No Need For A Drive-In Movie
By Galaxy 1001D
Tenchi Muyo and all related characters are © AIC/Pioneer. "Los Conchitos" all related material are © Warner Brothers and Cheech and Chong. This parody has been written solely for entertainment. All popular culture references are for parody, not for profit. The views expressed herein do not necessarily express the opinions of AIC/Pioneer, the author, or this website.
Based on "Pedro and the Man at the Drive-in" by Cheech Marin and Thomas Chong from the 1973 Rhino Records album "Los Conchitos,"
And "Tenchi Muyo" created by Masaki Kajishima
Chapter Four: Quest for a Crowbar
"What, are you kidding me?" Ryoko exclaimed in disbelief. "You didn't really break the key off in the lock did you?"
"Yeah," Mihoshi stammered. "I guess I turned it the wrong way, 'cause it just broke right off. Now what do we do?"
Ryoko got out of the car to walk around to the back and look at the trunk. She knelt and put her eye to the lock. Sure enough, the keyhole had a broken piece of metal in it. She heard tapping and muffled voices from inside the trunk. Tenchi, Ayeka, Sasami, and Ryo-ohki were trapped inside. "Hold on you guys!" she shouted. "Mihoshi broke the key off in the lock! We gotta figure out what to do next!"
Inside the cramped and darkened car trunk, three Jurians and a cabbit froze in horror.
"Was that Ryoko?" Sasami asked weakly.
"She didn't say what I thought she said, did she?" Tenchi's nervous voice queried.
"Meow!"
"Don't worry!" Ayeka hissed through clenched teeth. "Remember the hot springs, Sasami? Ryoko could phase through the wall, grab a hold of me, and pull me through solid matter. Even if she's not playing some sick joke, she can still get us out of here!"
"Oh thank goodness!" Sasami sighed.
Outside, Ryoko's hand was glowing as she surveyed the lock.
"Ryoko?" the teary-eyed blonde repeated in a weak voice. "Now what do we do?"
"Well, not to worry, Mihoshi," the golden-eyed woman said as she rose to her feet. "You forget that I have super powers. Opening this trunk will be easy for me."
"Oh good," Mihoshi sighed.
"All I gotta do is summon a ball of energy and blast it open," the cyan-haired woman announced as motes of light gathered in his fist to form a glowing sphere.
"What? Are you crazy?" Mihoshi cried as she grabbed the pirate's arm. "We want to get them out of the trunk, not blow them to bits!"
"Oh," the light vanished, hiding Ryoko's blush. "Right. Well, I'll just create a sword…"
"What if you slice too far and cut one of them open?" Mihoshi stammered.
"Oh, yeah…" Ryoko stroked her chin thoughtfully. She hated to admit that while she was under Kagato's influence her crimes were all brute force and lacked finesse. It was humiliating to admit, that Ryoko, the most famous space pirate in history was unable to open a car trunk without destroying it. "I guess we'll have to think of something else…"
"Why don't you use your super strength?" the blonde suggested.
"And ruin this manicure?" Ryoko made a claw of her hand to show that she just had her nails done. "No thanks! People keep saying that I'm not ladylike, and I'm not going to ruin these nails unless it's life or death! Get me a crowbar or something to open the trunk with. Say, don't you keep one in the car with you at all times?"
"Um, yeah," Mihoshi said meekly.
"Okay, so go get it already." The pirate held out one hand and put her other hand on her hip.
"It's in the trunk," the blonde groaned as she hung her head in shame.
"Oh boy," Ryoko sighed. "That's going to be a problem."
Suddenly Mihoshi's face brightened. "Hey, I got an idea!" she squeaked. "Do you think that someone else here might keep a crowbar in the trunk?"
"Hmm," Ryoko held her elbow with one hand and put her fist on her chin. "It's worth a shot. Why don't you go ask someone while I stay here? Someone's got to keep an eye on the car."
"Okay, Ryoko!" Mihoshi smiled. "You can count on me!"
Ryoko smiled and gave Mihoshi a 'thumbs-up gesture' and then watched the blonde walk over to the nearest car. When the Galaxy Police officer had walked away, Ryoko hung her head in shame and leaned on the car.
Would it be possible to rip the trunk lid off without having it bend the wrong way and crush Tenchi and the others? She couldn't take the chance, and didn't want to admit to Mihoshi what a clumsy engine of destruction Kagato had programmed her to be. Now three of her best friends and her true love were trapped in a claustrophobic car trunk and Ryoko was as helpless as an Earthling.
"Hold on you guys!" Ryoko shouted at the trunk. "Mihoshi's going to see if somebody has a crowbar! You guys just sit tight and try to breathe slowly! We're going to get you out, I promise!"
Inside the blackness of the trunk, Princess Sasami wiggled helplessly in the confined space. "That was Ryoko!" Sasami yelped. "That was Ryoko! What did she say?"
"Quiet Sasami" Ayeka commanded. "Ryoko must be near the rear end of the car. This is my chance to talk to her!" The purple-haired princess raised her voice, causing earaches for those trapped with her, but they had no choice but to let her shout. "Ryoko! Ryoko!" the princess shouted. "Can you hear me?"
"Save your breath you guys!" Ryoko shouted. "Don't use up all your air! Mihoshi's going to see if she can get a crowbar!"
"Ryoko!" Ayeka shouted. "Reach through the car! Use your phasing powers and reach through the car!"
"Reach through the car!" Sasami whined.
"Reach through the car!" Tenchi bawled.
"Meow-meow mew MreOW!" Ryo-ohki yowled.
"Quiet!" Ayeka hissed. "She won't be able to understand with us all talking at once! Ryoko! Reach your hand in here! Grab a hold of us one at a time!"
"Save your air you guys!" Ryoko hollered. "You guys have to calm down and save your air!"
It was no use, Tenchi realized. Ryoko wasn't listening, and with everyone shouting at once, no one could understand each other. He could only hope that Mihoshi had understood what they were trying to say.
At that very moment, Mihoshi was at another car that was also shrouded in darkness at the back of the drive-in. She couldn't see in, because the windows were fogged over. She had no idea how the person inside could see the movie, but there had to be somebody inside, because the car was jiggling as if someone was moving around the interior. She went over to the other side of the car and noticed that one of the windows was cracked open for ventilation.
"Oh, excuse me," Mihoshi called inside. "Boy, your windows are really steamed up!" She pulled out a penlight out of her pocket and shined it through the gap to illuminate the vehicle's interior. "I was wondering… Oops! I thought you were alone!"
Two sets of passionate groans could be heard from inside.
"Er, uh," stammered a blushing Mihoshi. "I was wondering if you two could loan us something to open the trunk with. Something long and hard that we could use for leverage…"
A moan of pleasure was her only response.
"Something like a pole… I mean a crowbar!" the blonde hastily corrected herself. "You know, something like that or a hammer maybe, or a screwdriver…"
The vehicle began bouncing up and down. The shock absorbers creaked as the grunts and sighs of a man and woman erupted from the car.
"Oh my!" Mihoshi put her hand over her mouth as her blue eyes widened. "Oh my! That's… wow!" The blonde staggered back and used fanned her blushing face with her hand. "Well, um… I guess I'll just leave you two alone… Um… go ahead and continue… Just pretend I wasn't here…"
Turning around, the Mihoshi beat a hasty retreat as the grunts became hoarse cries and the car shook with the exertions of the couple inside.
Ryoko spied Mihoshi running back to her in the blonde's wimpy feminine way. She leaned back and clasped her hands behind her head. "So," the pirate asked. "Did you find anything?"
"Um yeah…" a flustered Mihoshi replied, "but I don't think we'll be able to open the trunk with it."
"Well this is no good," a frustrated Ryoko huffed. "Tenchi and the others are getting pretty impatient. I think I heard Sasami crying a little while ago. We gotta find something that will get them out."
"What will we do?" Mihoshi clasped her hands in concern. "I don't want to ask everybody in the theatre!"
"I know what you mean," Ryoko nodded. "They're going to be busy watching the movie."
"Um yeah," Mihoshi blushed and looked away. "That too."
"I know!" the tall and buxom pirate snapped her fingers. "The guys who work in the concession stand must have seen this movie a hundred times! They can't even listen to it without a speaker. You can go over where they work and ask them!"
"That's a great idea!" Mihoshi gushed. "You're a genius, Ryoko!"
"Yeah-yeah," Ryoko shrugged. "What are you waiting for, an engraved invitation? Tenchi and the others are suffocating in there! Get going!"
"Got it!" Mihoshi clicked her heels, scowled a determined frown and gave a snappy salute. "Don't worry about a thing, Ryoko! You can count on me!" With that, the blonde Galaxy Police Detective turned and dashed off in the direction of the concession stand.
"Just remember where we are and don't get lost, okay?" Ryoko called after her. "Oh boy," she muttered to herself. "I hope that ball of fluff doesn't get run over or something. Oh well." She stretched her arms and got back in the car. "I might as well enjoy the movie while I wait."
She put the car in gear and moved away from the fence so that it would be close to a speaker, then put it in park and shifted her body to the passenger side. She rolled down the window and attached the bulky speaker to the side of the car and adjusted the volume. The sound was scratchy, but she could still make out what was being said. She leaned back in her seat and watched the previews flash across the screen.
Heroic music boomed through the speaker and filled the car. "Space! The Final Frontier!" a voice shouted. "See how it all began with Kirk, Spock, and McCoy!"
"What's William Shatner now, eighty?" Ryoko asked.
"See a bunch of college kids in the roles you grew to love!" The voice continued. "See the new Star Trek movie and search for continuity errors and compare how many you can find with your friends! It's like Smallville, but in space! Will the new guys playing Kirk and Spock be sexy enough? Will the new Uhura show more skin than the original? Find out this May!"
"Go where no nerd has gone before!" Ryoko shouted at the screen. Seek out new life in old plots and complications! Get depressed when you see how old Leonard Nimoy really is!"
A sinister voice with a Scottish accent hissed from the speaker. "I've got you now… Captain Jonny Deep!"
"Oh bugger," an actor imitating Keith Richards of the Rolling Stones exclaimed.
Exciting music blared from the tinny speaker as the sound of metal striking metal was heard. "Buccaneers of the Gulf: Dead Men Tell No Tales!" a voice cried. "Starring Edmond Scissorhands and the guy who played Legoland the sidhe in the King of the Braclets Trilogy! This is the sequel to end all sequels…until the next one!"
"Boy, I wonder where Mihoshi is," Ryoko sighed. "She's taking forever."
Meanwhile, Mihoshi was standing in line at the concession stand. "Gee, what a long line," the buxom Galaxy Police officer said in concern. "I hope that Ryoko doesn't get mad at me. I wonder what the holdup is."
Mihoshi gasped as paramedics walked by carrying a man in a concession stand uniform in a stretcher. "Oh my!" Mihoshi exclaimed "I hope he isn't badly hurt!" The blonde suddenly became self conscious. "The hat the snack guy was wearing sure looks like a Galaxy Police hat," she blushed.
The crowd followed the paramedics out to an ambulance, but since Mihoshi worked in emergency services herself, she stayed out of the way. As a matter of fact, she now had clear access to the boy at the cash register. "Ooh!" she exclaimed as she walked quickly to the register. "Looks like I'm not the only one with bad luck," she quipped, attempting to make small talk with the boy working the counter.
The boy sighed deeply and went from worried to depressed. He appeared to be a few years younger than Tenchi, but Mihoshi didn't know how fast boys grew up on this planet. The kid was so young, this had to be his first job. He actually would have been very good looking if not for the band-aids, blisters, and bruises on his skin. Popcorn decorated his hair like Christmas ornaments and a few stays stuck to his blue service uniform.
"Oh," Mihoshi cooed in concern when she noticed that the boy was injured. "Are you all right?"
"Hello," the boy said miserably. "My name is Seina Yamada, and it looks like I'm going to be the only one serving you tonight. What will it be?"
"Oh my!" the Galaxy Police officer surveyed the damage to concession stand. "It looks like the popcorn machine exploded! What a mess!"
"It's my fault," Seina groaned. "I can't understand it, but things just seem to go wrong when I'm around. My first day at work is probably going to be my last."
"No it won't!" Mihoshi vowed. "I've had my share of freak accidents too! I know how you feel!" Her voice softened as she put a sympathetic hand on his shoulder. "Tell you what, why don't I stay here and help you with this? My mom is a cleaning lady, she taught me all about handling messes like this!"
"You mean it?" the boy couldn't believe his good fortune. "Wow! Thanks!"
Next: Harry Knuckles and the Chamber of Sequels