Chapter 4 - Here Today, Gone Tomorrow

The breeze gently rustled the leaves of the trees and wound its way through the tall grass, causing a soft whistle to fill the air. It trailed its way across a face and caused stray tendrils of hair to swirl around and tickle the soft skin. After twirling about for a few moments longer, it frolicked back through the stalks of grass and swept back into the sky, leaving the face it had danced upon.

The one the face belonged to wished memories and pain could be so fleeting; staying for a moment and then, when they got to be too much, rushing away to leave peace and calm in their wake. She wished the memories swirling around in her head could be so, but they always came back, washing over her like they were now and leaving no escape.

-.-.-.-.-

"Dad, what's going on?"

Silence.

"Dad. What's happening?"

A single tear.

"Daddy..."

Eyes that reflected the sorrow of the soul locking with hers.

"Oh..."

Tears slowly leaking from closed eyes.

"Can... Is there time to say goodbye?"

A shuddering, slow nod.

"Have you gone back to see her yet?"

A jerking shake of the head.

Smooth hands reaching out, grabbing larger, quaking ones.

Resistance at first, refusing to acknowledge the inevitable.

"She needs to say goodbye. You need to say goodbye."

A final tug of rebellion and then resignation.

"It'll be okay, Daddy. She's ready. We have to be too."

Silence.

-.-.-.-.-

She opened her eyes as a cloud passed over the bright sun, casting a temporary shadow across her body. The sky was a brilliant and vibrant blue, the soft masses of white clouds standing in stark relief to the bright sky. Occasionally birds would flit across the sky and their crisp, joyful songs could be heard amongst the trees.

The day was almost perfect. The sun heated the air and brushed warm rays along everything. And while by itself it might have made things slightly too hot, the wind counteracted it, blowing its cooling caresses across everything. The combination made for a beautiful day and even when haunted by memories of sadness, she couldn't help but revel in its beauty.

-.-.-.-.-

She made sure her dad and her little sister went in to see her. Out of the three of them, she knew she had to be the one to stay strong. McKenzie wasn't even 6 yet, for crying out loud, and her dad... Her dad just couldn't handle it. Even with it staring him in the face, he still could not bring himself to accept what was happening.

So Sydney made them go in first. She held onto her little sister in the waiting room as her dad went through the double doors and back to the room. She could only guess at what was being said. She knew her parents loved each other, but her mom was her dad's whole world. Sure, her and her sister were a part of that world, there was no doubt that he loved them, but nothing could come close to how much her dad loved her mom.

It was a long time until her dad came out of the room, and when he returned, he looked like he had aged ten years. His face was ashen and grey, his eyes were sunken and dark circles ringed them. He moved back into the waiting room like there was no energy left in him and he slumped limply into a chair, as if all of his bones had disappeared from his body.

She knew there was nothing she could say to him, so she set McKenzie on the floor and took her hand. She led her sister through the big double doors and down the bright hallway to her mother's room. "I'll stay right out here, okay Kenzie?" she said, kneeling down to look at her younger sibling. McKenzie just nodded and hugged Sydney tightly for a few moments before she gently opened the door and slipped inside.

Again, all she could do was speculate as to what her mom was saying, but unlike with her father, she had a better guess at what was being said. Her sister was only five and a half years old, there was only so much that a mind that young could handle. She understood what death was, but maybe not its finality and the 'forever' of it.

She didn't wait outside as long as she'd had to when her dad was in there, and soon, McKenzie came out with tears on her little cheeks and eyes red. She leaned down and picked up her little sister, holding her tightly. McKenzie clung to her big sister and sniffed into her hair, her little hands tightly gripping the fabric of Sydney's shirt.

She turned and retreated back down the hallway to the waiting room where their family had spent so much time. She pushed open one of the doors and saw that her dad hadn't moved. She knew that he was completely unaware of anything around him and that everything around him could have caught fire and he wouldn't even have noticed.

"Kenzie-bear, I'm going to put you next to Daddy, okay?" McKenzie nodded. "You can't move. You have to stay here until sissy gets back, alright?" Another small nod. "Good girl, Kenzie." She kissed her little sister's forehead and wiped away her tears with the pads of her thumbs. "Love you, Kenzie-bear."

She turned around quietly and approached the big double doors again. She pulled one open and stepped back into the hallway. She had lost track of how many times she had traversed the corridor, how many endless times she had walked under the bright lights toward her mother's room. But she knew this time was probably going to be her last.

She was almost glad it would be the final trip. The intense light from the fluorescent fixtures and their incessant buzzing never ceased to irritate her. The cold metal and utilitarian colors that covered everything wore on her like a mind-numbing drug. She didn't know how doctors and nurses faced it day in and day out. She was almost glad it would be her final trip because she didn't what the memory of her mother to be associated with such a dismal place.

She took the final steps and reached the door of the room that her mom was in, the room she had been in for the duration of her stay at the hospital. She reached up and she felt the cool touch of the door handle beneath her hands. She was afraid to turn it and open the door because she knew that as she did so, she would be closing the door of her mother's role in her life with it.

She took a deep breath and steeled her nerves. Clamping down on the voice in her head that told her to run, to get out of there and forget about everything, she turned the door handle and slowly pushed the door open. Taking a few tentative steps into the room, she quietly shut the door behind her and turned to the body on the hospital bed. She wanted to cry as she again saw the state that her once vibrant mother was in. It had only been a few hours since she had last looked at her mom, but if it was possible she almost looked worse. Before she said anything her mom's voice drifted across the room quietly.

"Sydney."

-.-.-.-.-

It felt kind of like a cosmic joke to her that the day was so beautiful. How could there be a day so bright and perfect when her mom's condition had been so washed out and failing. The irony of it, however unacceptable, was not lost on her. She remembered her mom like that and it made a part of her want to curse at the sky and its perfectness. But she was just so tired of anger and sadness that she couldn't even formulate a negative thought.

She had sort of numbed-out after a while. There was only so much emotion someone could feel before they just simply stopped feeling. She was still completely aware of everything around her and what was going on, but it was almost like she just couldn't bring herself to care. Sydney knew all the feelings would eventually come back, they always did, but this had been the pattern. She would become overwhelmed by her emotions, would almost feel like she would burst if she felt anything else, and then a strange still would come over her and the emotions would wash away. The cycle would happen every few hours, and this was one of those intervals where she felt devoid of any feelings, just a sort of a vacant, pleasant nothing. She knew it would end eventually within the next few hours, but she was enjoying it while it lasted.

-.-.-.-.-

"Sydney."

"Momma..." Sydney's voice cracked. Tears started welling out of her eyes.

"Shhh, baby, come here," Hannah cooed to her daughter, stretching out her frail hand.

Sydney approached her mother's bedside and sunk into the chair as a sob caught in her throat. Hannah interlaced their fingers and brought Sydney's hand to her lips, gently kissing the back of her daughter's hand and brushing a stray lock of hair behind Sydney's ear. Mother and daughter just sat without words for a few moments, basking in each other's presence and cherishing their last moments together.

"Momma..." Sydney swallowed back tears. "Momma, I'm not ready. I'm... you can't go, I still need you."

"Oh, baby girl I know, I know," Hannah whispered. "I could have eternity with you and I wouldn't be ready either. But it doesn't matter what we want this time, honey. I'm leaving, and I want you to know that you and your sister are the most beautiful and precious things in the world to me. All of you... our family is the most important thing I have ever been a part of and you are my loves; the essence of my heart is reflect in all of you." Hannah paused and took a shuddering breath, talking was somewhat difficult as her body was shutting down. After a few moments she continued. "And even though I'm not physically going to be here anymore, I will always be in your heart, I will always be watching out for you."

Sydney noticed the pause in her mom's speech and the small tears in her mother's eyes as she spoke and it made her cry that much harder. "Momma I love you too. You are the most amazing mom in the galaxy; no one has had, or ever will have, a better mom than me and Kenzie do. I'm not ready for you to go, Momma, but I'm trying to be strong. I'm trying to be strong for you, and for Daddy, and for Kenzie. I'll always try, and I know what I promised you, but when you go Momma I don't know if I can do it." She closed her eyes tightly and clung to her mom's hand. "I know I promised you, Momma, but... I don't know... I don't know..."

Her mom reached with her other hand and touched Sydney under the chin, raising her head up. "Baby, look at me." Sydney slowly opened her eyes and looked into her mother's. "You don't have to be perfect, baby girl. I'm not expecting you to ignore your own sadness and only focus on your father and McKenzie. Don't ever think that I expect the impossible from you." Hannah had to pause and take another breath, the pain in her body choosing to flair at that moment. Sydney saw the look of pain cross her mother's face and she sat up in alarm.

"Momma..."

"It's okay, baby." Hannah composed herself and started again. "I know what I asked you and I know what you promised, but don't ignore your own sorrow. I just don't want it to consume you either. I want you to be happy, baby girl. I know it won't be right away, and I know it won't happen anytime soon, but I don't want you to be afraid of being happy and think that by not being sad, you are forgetting about me." She brushed her fingers along her daughter's cheek. "You're a loving soul Sydney, and because of that I know you will want to ignore your own feelings and help other people, and that's why I asked you to take care of them, but also why I'm telling you now not to kill yourself to do it either."

She leaned over and kissed her daughter's forehead. "You're just like your Daddy's last name, baby girl; you're a shepherd. You watch out for other people and you take care of them. It's one of the things that makes you such a beautiful and caring girl, Syd, and I don't want you to ever lose that. But don't lose yourself." Hannah sighed as she finished talking, the energy from speaking so much washing over her. She closed eyes and squeezed her daughter's hand softly.

"Momma you're tired. I'll let you sleep." Sydney started to stand up but her mom didn't release her hand and tugged her back into her seat.

"No, baby... It's okay," Hannah said quietly. "I just need to catch my breath...and close my eyes...for a bit..." Hannah's voice was growing soft.

Sydney could almost feel what was happening, she could almost feel her mom slipping away. Two halves of her emotions were warring with her; one part of her wanted to scream and wail and demand that her mom fight it and stay with them, and the other part just wanted to hold onto her mother tightly as she was finally allowed relief and freedom from her pain filled body. She sat still for a moment while her conscious battled it out and then she rose from the chair. "Momma?"

"Hmm...Yes, baby?" Hannah asked with closed eyes.

"Can I... can I lay down with you. Just one more time?"

"Of course... I'm just... really tired... Could you... help me... move over?" the words came from her lips in almost a whisper. Sydney let go of her mom's hand and gently slipped her arms under her mother's small body. She carefully shifted her mom over a few inches and cautiously climbed into the bed, moving the hospital blanket so it wasn't caught beneath her. Once she was settled next to her mom, she draped the blanket back over the two of them and she held onto her mother's hand with both hands, gently laying her head onto her mom's shoulder.

Hannah shifted her head over and kissed the top of her daughter's head, using some of her quickly waning energy to bring her arm over and caress Sydney's wet cheek. "I... love you... so much... baby girl," she whispered into the warm, brown hair. "My baby with... the golden soul... My little shepherd... My Sydney..." With the last remaining shreds of energy her body had, she held onto Sydney's shoulder and rolled onto her side. She draped her arm across her eldest daughter's body in one last embrace and held her close. "I think... I'll just... rest for... a little bit..."

Sydney was letting tears stream from her eyes unchecked as she clung to her mom. She left one hand clasped tightly in her mom's hand and brought the other up and looped it around the dying woman's waist. "Sleep, Momma. I'll hold you while you get your rest. I love you, Momma," Sydney cried into her mother's shoulder.

"Okay... sleep... Syd..."

-.-.-.-.-

It hadn't happen right away. After Hannah fell asleep, Sydney continued to hold her mom and cry quietly. She herself had actually fallen asleep in her mother's arms after a few more minutes. Sydney had been so exhausted from crying, that when the doctors were alerted by the machines and came into Hannah's room, the wild beeping of the medical instruments did not even wake her.

Two days ago, Hannah Shepard passed away peacefully in her sleep, holding her eldest daughter in one last embrace as she left the world and escaped the pain that had been plaguing her body.

Even though she was still in one of her 'numbed-out' phases, a tear still slipped from the corner of her eye and slid down her temple. Her body still reacted to the sadness of the memory even if her mind wasn't allowing it to overwhelm her at the moment. She had run out to the field when her emotions had been mercilessly tormenting her, but by the time she had run the 2 miles to the clearing, the wave of nothingness had washed over her. She hadn't moved an inch from where she had originally dropped when she reached the grassy meadow hours ago.

She felt the tear work its way almost all the way to her ear before she rubbed it away with the back of her hand. She sighed quietly and closed her eyes, breathing in the crisp air that held faint traces of earthy dirt and fresh grass. I'm going to have to go back pretty soon... She opened her eyes after a moment and looked back up into the clear, blue sky. She wished the clouds would descend from above her, envelope her in fog, and just whisk her away from reality. She didn't feel like going back and diving once again into the sorrow and pain of death that surrounded her house and family. But I promised Momma.

She sighed one last time in resignation and slowly began stirring her body from its place on the dirt. She clenched and loosed her muscles a few times, starting from her feet and working her way up her body. She was stiff after hours of not moving even the slightest and her muscles needed to warm up a bit. She slowly rose up from her spot on the ground and stretched her arms above her head, reaching to the sky and willing it one last time to engulf her. When she was denied oblivion yet again, she resigned herself to her fate and turned back toward the direction of her house.

She had sprinted to the field in wild sorrow and hadn't really thought about the distance. Now, in her mellowed, blissful state, she knew the walk back would take a little longer. All the longer to steady myself before I have to dive back into everything. And everything was a good description. Back to her father, who seemed to be in a trance of despair. Back to her little sister, who was still asking if maybe her momma would come home. Back to her house, where the memory of her mother was infused into every aspect of its walls. Back to the plans and preparations as they were wondering how they were going to live the rest of their lives now that Hannah was gone. It was an endless sea of swirling sadness, confusion, and anger, and she had to go back into all of it and help sort it all out. She had promised.

So, she was going back to everything.

A/N - Well, I've discovered that I love flashbacks haha. This chapter has a much different set up than the other ones and I had fun writing it. I totes cried while I wrote this.