Team 7 was lounging in the common room, doing nothing of any real importance. Gai, who was ignoring them, walked in and picked something up off the counter. It was a picture of his real team; team 6. Ten-ten was smiling her usual background-character smile, Neji was rolling his eyes like an asshole and Lee had little anime rivers of tears pouring down his cheeks. Gai was standing behind them, wearing his signature smug grin.
"My team must have left this behind," he said to himself, not knowing or caring how creepy he sounded talking to himself. "They must really miss me. After all, they had the best sensei in the Hidden Leaf Village." Smiling to himself, he started to walk away.
"Hey, where are you going?" Naruto demanded.
Frowning, he turned to his 'team'. "I'm going to return this picture to my team. You know, my real team."
Naruto snorted. "Oh don't try to bullshit us. You're just going so you can see your precious trio of perfect little uptight ass-kissers."
"That's not true, Naruto. They really miss me, and they need me."
"Whatever," Sasuke muttered. "But since you're visiting your team, say hello to the devil for me."
Gai glared at him. "And just who would that be?!" he asked angrily.
Sasuke scoffed. "Satan. Geez, don't you know who the devil is?" At this, Naruto started laughing hysterically. It wasn't long before he was rolling around on the ground with mirth.
"Shouldn't you be training, delinquents?!" Gai spat.
"Shouldn't you be training us?" Sasuke asked.
Gai sputtered for a minute. "Fine! I'll train you little insubordinate ass wipes when I get back!" And with that, Gai stormed off, leaving team 7 to enjoy their victory.
* * *
An hour later, team 7 was outside with Gai, ready to begin their training. Gai started with another of his smuggy, pre-practice speeches.
"Okay, team. Yesterday we began team building. And there's nothing that gives you that fuzzy feeling like a hug from Yours Truly."
"Oh, you mean that creepy, tingly feeling?" Naruto asked. "I spent two hours with a toothbrush and a bottle of dish soap trying to get rid of it."
Gai narrowed his eyes. "I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that, for both our sakes."
"Oh, I'm sorry," Naruto said. He cupped his hands around his mouth and shouted "I SPENT TWO HOURS-"
Gai ran up to Naruto and punched him in the face, sending him flying back. "That's enough!" he yelled.
Naruto sat straight up, his face red and his eyes blazing. "All right, soup bowl, you're gonna pay for that." He stood up and started finger-weaving. But before he could even call his Juutsu, Gai started talking.
"Fine, team building is canceled for the day, since you weenies can't handle it." Then Gai sighed and his expression suddenly softened. "Maybe I've been too hard on you. I guess I can't hold it against you too much. After all, it's not your fault you were taught wrong."
At this, Team 7 glared at him, barely holding back their anger. He continued.
"I think all you guys need is a lesson in playing well with others." He turned to Naruto and Sasuke. "I want you guys to hang out with Lee today. After all, he's the best student I know. He's easy to get along with, so you guys shouldn't have any trouble."
"What?!" Naruto cried. "But he's a . . ."
Gai cut him off. "I know you've had friction in the past, but trust me, this is what you guys need."
Naruto sighed, thinking that at least he didn't actually have to be with Gai. Sasuke, who seemed to be thinking the same thing, growled quietly, a resigned expression on his face.
Gai continued. "I'll contact Lee and tell him to meet you in the common room at noon." He turned to Sakura. "Sakura, you come with me. I have the perfect training for you in my office." And with that, Gai and Sakura left, leaving Naruto and Sasuke to their unwanted fate.
* * *
It was twelve-thirty, and Naruto and Sasuke were still in the common room waiting for Lee. They were starting to get aggravated, especially Naruto. Sasuke sighed, then walked up the stairs to get something.
Naruto was really pissed. He thought Kakashi was bad about being on time. But that little bowl-headed weenie . . . he stomped over to the bottom of the stairs.
"Hey! Hey Sasuke!" he called. "When's Douchy McDouchebag gonna show up?"
"I don't know, Naruto." He called back. "Why don't you turn around and ask him?"
Shocked, Naruto slowly turned his head toward the door.
Lee was standing in the doorway, wearing a hurt expression.
"Did you just call me a douche bag?" he asked in a small, weak voice.
Naruto didn't want Lee to go telling Gai that he'd been rude to him. After all, he was being graded on this. "No, of course not," Naruto assured him. "I was talking about someone else."
Lee looked relieved. "Oh, that is good. I did not want you to think that I was a douche bag."
"Yeah, that's your name, don't wear it out." Naruto muttered.
"What did you say?" Lee asked.
"I said you're a dou-" Naruto cut himself off. "I said 'come in'."
Smiling, Lee walked in. Sasuke had reappeared, and his dread was etched on his face. Sighing, Naruto closed the door behind them, cursing Gai.
"So, what do you want to do, Lee?" Naruto asked.
Lee said, "I would like to go to the park. It is such a nice day."
Sasuke started to protest, but Naruto quickly said "Sounds great." And with that, they were off.
* * *
Thirty minutes later, the three of them reached the Konoha park. During the walk over, they had actually been able to make conversation. Before they knew it, they were talking with Lee as if they didn't even hate him. It was almost like he was a regular person.
Lee said, "You know, you two seem all right. I do not know why Gai-sensei says the things he says about you."
Sasuke looked at him sharply. "What does he say about us?"
"That you are disturbed people, so you act like delinquents for attention." Lee said causally.
"What?!" Naruto screamed. "YOU TELL THAT ASSHOLE--" he cut himself off, then through gritted teeth said, "Tell him that I appreciate his opinion." Sasuke looked at him sympathetically. He knew it wasn't easy.
"This is really fun," Lee said. "Why do we not hang out more often?"
Naruto said, "Well, maybe if you didn't always act like you were better than me and Sasuke-"
"That is right," Lee cut him off. "It is because I am too busy training, because I train way more than you and Sasuke."
"What's that supposed to mean?" Sasuke asked.
"I do not mean to imply that there is any moral deficiency on your part," Lee said quickly. "In fact, I feel that I have an unfair advantage over you."
"Really?" Naruto asked. "And that would be . . .?"
"My sensei is far superior to yours."
Both Naruto and Sasuke glared at him, their eyes blazing. Sasuke let out a low growl behind his gritted teeth. Then Naruto saw him reach into his shirt, where his kunai were kept.
Naruto looked away from Lee and locked his eyes onto Sasuke. Holy shit, Naruto thought. He's gonna do it. He's gonna pop the douche bag!
Sasuke's hand emerged from his shirt, but instead of kunai he was holding his wallet. He took out a few hundred yen and set them on the table in front of Lee. "Hey, Lee, how about you get us something to drink? Like . . . a couple of those chocolate sodas."
Lee, who was oblivious to the rage Naruto and Sasuke were suppressing, just smiled and said "Okay! I will be right back." And so he took the money and walked off.
As soon as Lee was out of earshot, Naruto turned to Sasuke. "Okay, Sasuke, you and I both know you hate that chocolate piss."
"Yeah," Sasuke said. "Let's ditch him."
"Right behind you." And the two ninja took off.
* * *
One hour later, Naruto and Sasuke had gotten far away from the park. They were lying out in a grassy field a few miles away from Konoha, staring out at the clouds and thinking about their sensei.
"This sucks," Naruto said. "I can't believe this is happening. How are we going to stick this week out?"
"How do you think Kakashi's doing?" Sasuke asked.
Meanwhile . . . .
"A diet?!" Choji screamed at Kakashi in outrage.
Kakashi sighed. "Not a diet, Choji. I just think you should exchange some of your regular snacks for healthier ones."
Shikamaru, who was painting a fence a few meters away, asked "Can I stop now? I've already put three coats on."
"Hey, come on, guys." Kakashi told them. "It's better than being lazy and chubby."
"What?!" Shikamaru and Choji shouted in unison. In a flash of finger-weaves, Shikamaru cried "Shadow-bind Juutsu!" Kakashi was immediately bound by Shikamaru's shadow. He struggled against the Chunin's Juutsu, but it was no use.
Shikamaru yelled "Now, Choji!"
Choji jumped Kakashi and wrestled his paralyzed body to the ground. He tore Kakashi's mask off his face and started shoving hundred-calorie snack cakes into Kakashi's mouth. "Eat healthy, Kakashi! Live a healthy lifestyle! Here's a low-fat slimjim Kakashi. Snap into it! SNAP INTO THIS MOTHER FUCKING SLIMJIM!!"
Back in the field . . . .
Naruto sighed. "He can't possibly be doing worse than us."