A/N: This chapter is super ridiculous, and also very creepy. But I thought Chuck and Hannah was ridiculous and a little creepy. Hopefully enjoyable ridiculousness and funny levels of creepiness.

Chapter 4: The Awkwardest Night Ever!

Sarah was in the shower, and barely heard the burner go off. She wrapped her head in a towel and scooped up the phone. Another text came in just as she picked it up.

H. moving faster than anticipated.

Convinced her I didn't have any condoms as an excuse to get out of there.

HELP!

"Fuck." Sarah growled under her breath, narrowed her eyes and started typing furiously one handed while she dug her iPhone out of her purse and loaded her ChuckDar app. Good, he was only a couple minutes from her hotel room. If she didn't worry about red lights. Or breaking 100 on surface streets.

Stay where you are.

Do NOT go home until we meet!

I'll be there in five minutes.

She was already at the door, when she remembered to put on some clothes and change her appearance somehow. Sarah knocked the box of wigs off the top shelf of her closet and tossed the longest coat she had around herself. She debated for a moment whether to put anything on under it, and decided better safe than sorry and tugged on a pair of sweats.

The owner of the convenience store was glaring at Chuck by the time Sarah got there. He didn't recognize her at first, thanks to the brunette wig and the heavy makeup. It was awkward enough before she got there, but now they were standing at the condom section of the store, together, pretending they didn't know each other.

"So what should I do. You told me to play along, but... I'm not going to... you know."

"Shhh. It's alright. We'll just make her think you did. I'm going to slip a packet of pills into your pocket." She said out of the side of her mouth.

"What, memory inducing pills? How is that going to work?" Chuck whispered out the side of his mouth.

"No. They're just roofies."

"Sarah!" Chuck whispered.

"Eyes front," She shot back. "We're not supposed to know each other."

"Why can't I just tell her I'm not interested instead? I think that's the best solution."

"Chuck, I've been 'opening up' to Beckman and Shaw ever since we got the team back together to sell my dissatisfaction with the whole situation. I'm getting a lot of good intel on them from the blowback. And you and Hannah has a lot to do with my 'frailty'. We need to know what's going on with them if this whole thing is going to work."

"What happened to keeping her at arms' length?" Chuck said. "That was like an hour ago!"

"Shhh! Keep your voice down." She hissed. "I know. Okay, but circumstances change. I don't like this any more than you do, but Beckman let something important slip earlier and I need to corroborate it with Shaw. So we need another day before you can dump her. I know this is freaking you out, and I'm sorry. But it is what it is."

"I don't think I can go through with this. Drugging her into thinking we had sex, and then dumping her? The next day?" Chuck said. "She's going to think I'm the world's biggest jerk."

"Yes. Good. That fits with the line I've been feeding Shaw and Beckman about you changing into a cold-blooded spy. Afterwards, see if you can make the breakup as public as possible. They'll probably have someone on surveillance there. I mean, your whole rationale for involving yourself with a civilian has been a little weird."

"She involved herself with me." Chuck complained.

"And you could have uninvolved yourself back on that plane." She shot back. "Instead you gave her a job."

"You made me start 'dating' her in the first place!"

"Don't nitpick with me. This is still your fault for not talking about me enough with her to drive her away." Sarah said, stuffing her hand in her pocket. "Here. I'll talk you through this."

Chuck sighed and put in the earpiece she slipped him. "And what if something goes wrong. Are we going to do this every time Hannah tries to get me into bed?"

"Somebody's pretty confident." Sarah grinned. "Who says she's going to want there to be a next time?"

Chuck grunted. "I've never had any complaints."

"Well sure, not to your face." Sarah said, grin turning wicked. "Do you really not know how that works? Anyway, no more Banter. We'll burn that bridge when we come to it."

"This is going to be really awkward." The only way it could be worse was if Sarah actually expected him to sleep with Hannah in order to protect his secret relationship with her. He shuddered, imagining Sarah giving him 'mission' advice over the earpiece right in the middle. And then he had a brief daydream about his head exploding like that guy in scanners. Suddenly her actual solution seemed a lot less crazy than it was.

"Yes. Yes it is. Hopefully this will be the most awkward night of our lives."

"Damn right." Chuck said. "I really don't think I could take anything more awkward than this."

"Before you say things like that, just wait, in case we have to explain this to Ellie later."

"Oh, God." Chuck said, shuddering again. "Why do you always have to make horrifyingly valid points like that?"

"Because I'm the woman." Sarah said, with a knowing grin. "It's my job to think, and your job to look pretty." Chuck pouted briefly and grabbed some stupid condoms he was never going to use. Sarah's eyebrows went up at his choice of brand. "Magnums? No wonder you never get any complaints. Unless you're just posturing."

Chuck just grinned and waggled his eyebrows at her. Sarah huffed and snatched another box off the shelf, waggled her eyebrows right back. Chuck whimpered and trudged up to the counter.

Back at Casa Bartowski/Grimes:

"You're back. Excellent." Hannah said, and held out a glass of wine to him. Judging by the flush on her cheeks, she'd had a couple while he was out. That meant he didn't have to work as hard getting her drunk as he thought. That might have been awkward to explain to Hannah, or Casey for that matter.

"Is this the last of the wine?" Chuck asked. "Let me grab another bottle."

"Good. Yes. Then get back to the couch."

Chuck started riffling through the drawers to find the corkscrew. When he finally did, he fit the contraption to the top of the wine bottle, only to find that it was a twist-off. Morgan and his cheap wines. Chuck rolled his eyes and stuffed the corkscrew back in the drawer, poured two glasses.

He sank onto the couch and eyed Hannah warily, holding out the glass to her. She snatched it and tossed half of her wine back at once, slipped the glass onto the coffee table and looped her arms around his neck. Chuck's eyes widened and he just managed to put his glass down untouched before Hannah's assault made him spill wine everywhere.

She shoved him onto his back and Hannah was kissing him again, and she kept trying to pull his hands away from her back and put them on her breasts. Chuck pushed her away with a gasp, sat up hastily.

"I'll be right back. I promise. Just gotta see a man about a horse." Chuck said, extricating himself to go to the bathroom. He closed the door behind him and leaned back with a sigh. "This is super creepy." Chuck said into the mirror and wiped lipstick off his face.

"Yes. It is." Sarah's voice said over his earpiece. "I gave you a pass on Jill because we were on a break under the cover-relationship. But remember I'm watching the surveillance feeds, so don't even think it, buster." Chuck put his finger to his ear.

"Seriously?" Chuck said. "You think that's what I'm thinking? I'm just wondering if she's drunk enough yet to think she just blacked out. God, do I need to figure out a way to get you laid. Sorry."

Sarah was silent for a moment. "You're doing a good job acting for the cameras. Its a little more convincing than I was prepared for, that's all. And she should be drunk enough by the looks of things. Careful you don't telegraph putting the pills in her glass, Casey might be watching too. That's one complication we do not need. Remember how I showed you."

"Hey there." Hannah slurred as soon as he flushed the empty toilet and came back into the living room. Both wine glasses were conspicuously empty. Chuck briefly wondered if he was that repulsive that Hannah needed to drink so heavily before wanting to have sex with him. But he shrugged the thought away and filed it in the 'what is wrong with you, you have a smoking hot CIA superspy girlfriend' file in his brain. Thankfully it only had the one entry so far, and he wanted to keep it that way. "Why don't you get back over here and... hic... we can get to work."

"Just a sec," Chuck said, moving into the kitchen and poured out another couple glasses of wine. Sarah's coaching on how to slip something into a drink was invaluable, but god was this creepy, useful spy-skill or no. He was careful to keep Hannah's glass in his right hand. If he somehow accidentally roofied himself and ended up letting the tiny brunette have her way with him while blacked out, Sarah would go ballistic.

He handed Hannah her glass and sat down again. She took a quick slug and her eyes rolled up. Hannah sighed and started to slump.

"So, what do you say we take this into the bedr— Aaand she's asleep." Chuck said, shaking his head in mock disappointment for Casey's benefit. He took the glass back out of her hand. Thank god. The girl was really handsy when she was drunk. It was a struggle not to sigh in relief.

"Okay, now." Sarah said in his ear. "Carry her into your bedroom and then go use the bathroom again so we can talk."

Chuck took both glasses back into the kitchen and poured the leftover wine down the drain, rinsed both glasses out just to be safe. He sighed and scooped Hanna up and carried her into his bedroom. God this was so so creepy. He got out of there as fast as possible and made his way to the bathroom. As soon as he shut the door behind him, Chuck leaned against the wall, and sighed. "So, how am I supposed to make her think we had sex?"

"I've figured out how to loop the exterior cameras without leaving any traces. The internals and the audio are on a different server though. Just keep the lights turned off in your room, and I'll slip in the Morgan door."

"Oh great. More awkward."

In the darkness of his room, Chuck strained his eyes, trying to pick up Sarah's entrance. He was still surprised when a hand covered his mouth from behind. "Mff!" He shouted into her hand despite himself.

"Shh." Sarah said from behind him, and then goggles were coming over his eyes, and the world turned green. Nightvision.

Sarah's hand came up, holding a three by five inch notecard with her handwriting on it.

I'm putting a tactical radio set on you.

256k encryption burst transmitter.

It's got a subvocal microphone.

To talk, you just whisper without

opening your mouth.

Won't get picked up on bugs.

Her hands worked deftly. Chuck felt her hands around his throat for a moment, situating something right next to his Adam's apple. And then he felt her pulling his earpiece and putting something else in his ear.

"There. Can you hear me?" Her words sounded a little odd, but he nodded. "Good. Try saying something."

"Like what?"

"I can barely understand you. Hang on, let me calibrate." Her hands flipped a toggle switch near his neck. "Try again."

"I love you."

"Nothing." Her hands found his in the darkness, placed them carefully at her throat. "Feel that when I talk? You need to articulate carefully."

"I love you." Chuck tried again.

"Hearing you five by five now." He felt her lips on his cheek and grinned, in spite of the weirdness of their current off the books mission. "Alright." Sarah said. "Goggles off. I'm going to undress her."

"This is super awkward." Chuck said, getting the hang of the subvocal microphone.

"Goggles off, Bartowski!"

A few minutes of strange silky wisping noises passed in the darkness before Sarah's voice came over his tactical earpiece again. "Okay. Goggles on. She's in bed and covered up." Sarah said. "You should have eight hours before Hannah wakes up. I'll radio you in the morning through the tactical earpiece, just leave it on until you go in the bathroom to shower. That should give you a buffer time frame to be awake before her. Go buy donuts or something, and don't forget to leave a note, in the bed or on the nightstand telling her where you went. It's creepy otherwise."

"Its plenty creepy anyway." He could see her grin underneath the nightvision goggles, the infrared lamp on his goggles causing a flare on her teeth. "God this is crazy."

"One of the sacrifices you make for dating a spy." Sarah said through the subvocal microphone on her encrypted tactical radio. In her damn boyfriend's bedroom. She sighed. That cut both ways. Sarah flipped her NVGs out of the way and peered out the blinds. "Okay, it looks like Casey's calling it a night. Which means I should go. What are you doing?"

"Getting out a sleeping bag." He said. "Why, is that a surprise?"

"Of course not." Yes, but not for the reason he thought. "Thanks, I appreciate the thought. But you have to sleep in the bed with her so that when the cameras have enough light to record in the morning you don't tip off Casey by sleeping on the floor." She said, and kissed him, "Also, you need to put a used condom in the trash. I doubt even Casey would test it, but Hannah might look for one, so. Here. Ziploc bag so you can carry it from the bathroom in your pocket."

"Oh my god!" Chuck gasped. "Seriously? This is too creepy."

"We can't afford loose ends, Sweetie." Sarah said, and tugged the nightvision goggles off his head. "Use one of the condoms you bought tonight. Now, get to work." She gave him a quick peck on the lips, made awkward by the bulky goggles, but she was nothing if not determined. Sarah still needed to return the NVGs to Castle before the morning briefing and then get home.

Chuck growled something, but growling didn't translate well on the subvocal microphones. Sarah grinned in the dark and pinched his butt. He jumped about a foot. "Sarah." He protested.

"You want me to kiss it and make it better?"

Chuck groaned audibly. "What are you doing?"

"Just making sure you're properly motivated in there." Sarah replied, squeezing his rear again, this time letting her fingers linger for a couple seconds before jumping back out of his reach. She saw his arms come up and close on empty air, and she smirked.

"You're evil." Chuck said, and turned for the door. Sarah darted over to hide in the closet from the light spilling in from the hallway.

"You love it." She didn't wait for him to come back. Before she left though, she planted a small night vision camera in the corner of the room by the Morgan Door, so that it had a good view of the bed. She trusted Chuck, really, just... dammit. She was half way out to the fountain before her conscience got the better of her and she slipped back in and removed the camera. If Sarah trusted him--and she did--she had to trust him trust him.

Chuck slept between the top sheet and his comforter, so that he could minimize the chances of potential touching Hannah's skin, but he barely got any sleep because of the nerves. In the morning, Sarah's computer amplified but still recognizable voice in his ear woke him from a dream about Sarah, which he could really get used to. "Wakey wakey." She said.

"Hey." Chuck replied, on the subvocal microphone, slipping out of bed. "You think we can hang on to these radio sets? It's good to hear your voice in the mornings."

"Sorry. We need to get them back to Castle before they're missed. I'll meet you at the Dunkin Donuts on Fremont." Chuck trudged into the bathroom, removed the tactical radio, showered shaved, and got the hell out of the house. It was going to be awkward enough if he didn't run into Morgan this morning.

Sarah was waiting for him, a dozen donuts in a box on the table in front of her. "Hey." She said and Chuck sat down, slipped the tactical radio under the table to her.

"We have time for breakfast?" Chuck said with a smile. "Can we just sit for a while? Pretend we're a regular couple?" Her face fell, and Chuck winced. "Sorry."

Sarah shrugged. "It is what it is, sweetie. Don't be sorry. Let's just get through today, and then we'll worry about everything else."

"I love you." Chuck said. Sarah's eyes darted around the Dunkin' Donuts. No one was close enough to have heard, but she still tensed. He lowered his voice to quell the mini-freakout. "Just so you know, still and always. I love you."

"Thanks. I needed to hear it."

"I know. But look on the bright side, by tonight I'll be single again, and you can make your move." Chuck reached across the table and threaded his fingers through hers.

Sarah rolled her eyes, but didn't let go. "That's not the plan."

"I ever tell you how much I don't like these plans of yours?"

She laughed bitterly. "You and me both, goober. Now you'd better get back. Text me if something comes up."

"Kiss?"

Her eyes made a quick scan of the donut place and she leaned in. "Probably a bad idea, public place and all."

"You're probably right." Chuck said, lips closing in. "You usually are." But there was no one around to interrupt them, no mission briefing scheduled for this morning that he was aware of, just Sarah and Chuck and donuts. And lips. Sarah made sure they kept it brief, as disciplined as ever.

When he got back with the donuts Sarah had bought, Ellie had already let herself in. And met Hannah coming out of the shower. And the awkward just didn't stop. Somehow he found himself having family dinner with Hannah instead of breaking up with her. Sarah was going to kill him. How the hell was he going to get out of this 'relationship?' It was like the universe was conspiring against him and Sarah. Next Hannah would want him to meet her parents. Damn it. The only thing that let him keep up the happy facade, pretend to be enjoying himself with Morgan and Ellie and Devon at dinner was to remember that Sarah was watching the surveillance feeds. At least in that, he could make himself feel some unity with her. He felt like he was watching his life trickle by, pretending not to be with the woman he loved. Pretending, always pretending.

Hannah was lingering and Ellie and Awesome had already left. Morgan was starting to droop. If Chuck didn't do something fast, she was going to want to spend the night again.

"Hey. This was a lot of fun." He managed to say with a straight face somehow. "But, I've got a super-early Nerd Herd call, and then I have to open the store, so..." He didn't care how awkward it was, if she didn't take the hint he'd break up with her in front of Morgan and to hell with the consequences.

"Oh, sorry." She said, and Chuck barely managed to hold in the relieved sigh. "Right. I knew that. Last night was great, what I remember of it. Little too much wine for me. But, yeah. I should go." Hannah went up on tiptoe, fishing for a kiss, and Chuck cursed inwardly, and darted his eyes to the camera. He shrugged minutely, and Casey would probably figure it was aimed at him.

Once Hannah was gone he went into the bathroom and brushed his teeth. Twice, just to be safe. Sarah's comment from the other day about tasting like brunettes was still fresh in his mind. The only bright side he could see was the text message he received on the burner just before he got into bed. He breathed a sigh of relief and slept soundly for the first time in what seemed like forever.

Got what I needed. Dump away! :-)

TO BE CONTINUED

A/N: So, everything after this is all jumbled up and incomplete. Next update will be awhile.