[A/N] Oooh, things are about to heat up! I had fun writing this one, sorry that it took so long. I hope you enjoy it!
Big thanks to Hobbsie, SWM's chief editor, who has been most helpful with this one (A.K.A. She replied within two days rather than the usual four) Just kidding, she saved you guys from waiting another week for this chapter. Also, HUGE cheer for my AMAZING friend Foniflopeffie, known to as Life'sEternalSong. She is superb! I tell you, without these two, I don't know if I could have continued.
Dedicated to Mafe Ly (thank you for always cheering us on, Mafe!), and all the lovely few who read and also review. You're the reason I write this stuff.
I don't own the Hitachiins or any part of Ouran High School Host Club. That right belongs solely to Hatori Bisco, yadda yadda yadda. You can't sue me! You can't! I'll just escape into the world of fiction! You'll never find me, so don't even try! Not like I have any money to give you, but whatever.
I'm going to shut up now so that you can read the new chapter in peace.
Hikaru stood at the door of Music Room No. 3, pondering what lay beyond it. He revelled at the new experience of entering it alone. He had always come through this door with his brother safe beside him before, a constant in the bright and often confusing universe of life with the Host Club.
The first time Hikaru Hitachiin had opened these doors, he had been terrified. They were about to venture into the unknown when they stood there – about to venture out of their comfort zone, into a world where other people could reach them. Despite their outward haughty appearance, someone had approached them and pulled them away from the sweet seclusion they shared. Tamaki had pulled them along to his beat, irresistibly drawing them here. And so they stood, both silent, while Hikaru ran in mental circles. He was scared to death that this simple move beyond the boundaries of their little universe might encourage more such steps, more independence, and eventually the blooming of complete separation. He didn't want the hand he held to ever loosen its grip, to pull away in the slightest. Praying to some unknown god, he gripped Kaoru's hand tighter, as if it were the final lifeline to the shattered world they once knew. Thus together, the brothers pushed open the door to their new world.
And here he was once more, standing in front of the doors to a world that had changed. This time, though, the change behind the door was to be faced alone. He placed a hand on the doorknob, breathing in as he turned it slowly. The door opened just a fraction, and he paused once more. Voices…? Haruhi-chan's slightly cynical tone and – Kaoru. What were they doing alone? He listened closely, trying to pick up what odd snippets of their conversation he could.
"What… what would you do if…kissed you…but you knew… interpret that kind of kiss?"
Are they talking about what happened last night? Hikaru stood rooted to the ground, unable to escape. He knew he should leave, or go in and interrupt. He didn't want to hear what was coming - he had to leave. But still, his feet kept him there, some morbid curiosity gluing him to the spot. Am I a masochist? I don't want to hear this…
"…ask him or her straight out…"
Ah, that would be Haruhi-chan's sensible voice. "Ask him or her straight out"– What could that mean? That she wanted Kaoru to ask him about the kiss? No, he didn't want that. If Kaoru asked, it might all come bursting forth, a torrent of things unsaid, and things better left at the back of one's mind. If only he could change things in some way, erase the kiss from both their memories, so neither would have to suffer. He from the guilt and suddenly amplified spectrum of feelings in his chest, Kaoru from the confusion and pain that Hikaru seemed to have caused him.
How could he have been so stupid? He turned to leave, knowing that staying would only hurt him further. Hikaru preferred to live in denial of the revulsion that Kaoru must feel for him than face it. There was no accounting for what he had done, so he should just ignore it, pretend and pray that all would be forgotten. He didn't want to hear it all confirmed. If his fears were proven by Kaoru's words, he would have nowhere to hide anymore.
"…these feelings – it's so sick and wrong. It hurts me, and it will hurt him. If I can cancel them out, erase them..."
Hikaru whipped around. Kaoru knew? He knew of his feelings? For how long? No...
Oh, god, no… What must he think of Hikaru? That must be why he had been avoiding him. While being so busy running around 'protecting' Kaoru, he had failed to notice that he had destroyed it all long ago. He had, without seeing, ripped apart the foundations of their relationship, their memories, everything they had. He had been 'hurting' his brother all this time. This couldn't be happening – no, please. How could he…? What should he…?
One phrase came into his mind, draping a dark curtain over all other thought.
"…sick and wrong…"
His knees gave way, and he fell to the floor. So that was it. He had been found out, and rejected without even knowing. He was sick. Disgusting, immoral, repulsive. Wrong.
Tears filled his eyes, threatening to spill over. Yes, he had seen it coming. He knew it was going to happen sooner or later. But, up to this moment, he had been able to run away from this knowledge in his mind, to hide behind his denial. But now, it had all been thrown into the open, a clear, unmistakeable refusal - utter rejection. Once upon a time, he could have thrown his feelings into the sky with his brother beside him, let everything be seen as a child's innocence. Innocence – when had they lost it? That simple refuge? When did he make the fatal choice? What changed him?
What was he going to do now? Where could he go? There was no way he could return to his brother's side. There was nowhere to run.
But he didn't need a destination. He just had to get away from here. Now.
He turned back once more, against his better judgment, to see that vibrant reflection just once more.
Only to see the last handhold crumble.
Something echoed in his head... something that had been told to him long ago...
'Je parle dans du nom du père; ne pas lâchez de la main de l'ange, qui est mieux que la comédie vulgaire de cette vie que nous vivons…'
As Kaoru's head bent, Hikaru saw his entire universe crack and shatter around him. That which he had once solely possessed and loved, and been loved by in return, was gone. As their lips gently touched, his heart ripped in two. As her eyelids fluttered closed in defeat, the tiniest gasp rang from his lips, an echo of the pain racking every fibre of his self, as tears blurred his sight.
Everything was shaking – why couldn't he see?
Hikaru turned to run blindly, knowing full well that there was no comfort left in the world he could escape to. His sole comfort was lost to him, away in someone else's arms. The boy he loved was unreachable now, enamoured with the girl Hikaru had once imagined feelings for, before everything he had tried to ignore became so painfully clear. The hand he had always gripped so desperately was freeing itself, tearing away from his selfish needs.
In his mad escape, he failed to notice one more thing. He had inadvertently revealed himself to those he left behind.
...
Kaoru had his eyes screwed shut, desperately trying to make the kiss penetrate the way Hikaru's had. He tried to lose himself in it, to forget everything in a swirling storm of feeling the way he had with Hikaru, but it wasn't working. Admittedly, he could feel his magic working on Haruhi. After a few seconds' shocked stillness, she had given in and began responding to the kiss, her eyes closing as she so openly forgot herself. He would have chuckled at that once – the great cynic had closed her eyes, giving in to the raw feeling of the kiss. He knew this reaction from seeing so many girls faint at Tamaki's magic, but for Haruhi-chan to react and himself to feel nothing – it wasn't right. It didn't fit. Why? Why couldn't it just work, the way it should, the normal way?
A gasp from the direction of the doorway snapped him back to reality. He jerked his head around to see who had caught them, just as Haruhi came back to her senses and shoved him away, hands covering her lips. Ugh, he didn't have time for this! He stood up, seeing a figure crumpled on their knees in shock at the door suddenly get up and run. Unconsciously, he started after them, something pulling him towards whoever had held that destroyed posture at the door.
As he reached the door, wrenching it open, he saw a familiar figure disappear around a corner, running like their life was on the line. No way…?
Hikaru?
Hikaru had seen him… kissing… Haruhi?
No. What – how – what should he do? How could he explain without revealing everything? Oh, god, what must his brother think of him? Kissing Haruhi, someone who he was well known to see as a mere friend, straight after what had happened last night? Knowing Hikaru, he would draw some absurd conclusion from it, probably feeling betrayed at Kaoru's not telling him that he 'had been in love with Haruhi'. He would feel that 'as a brother' (that always stung) he had a 'right to know'.
But… why was he running like that?
Even at this distance, Kaoru knew his brother's figure to the smallest detail.
Hikaru had always been the more athletic of the two, easily pulling ahead in races and games; he could have elegantly breezed past, but instead held back just enough for his twin to catch up. His amazing brother would always grin cheekily as he jogged backwards against a bright summer's day while he teased Kaoru about his speed, not a care in the world. He had always partially wanted to catch up, to be equal, but had never managed. He was always just behind, content in the most to watch Hikaru be so carefree.
Today, however, that figure ahead ran doggedly, stumbling and shaking. He ran raggedly, as if unable to quite determine where he was, or where he was headed. Yet, Hikaru still continued on his weaving path, but slow enough that Kaoru could almost catch up. Why, though? Why was he crying?
"Hikaru!"
He just wanted him to stop, to tell him why he was crying. The strangled cry echoed in the empty corridor, and thankfully, Hikaru stopped dead. He whirled around, apparently shocked to see who had been following. Well, who else would it be? Another fangirl stalker? Tears were flowing freely down his pale cheeks, and the sight of Kaoru seemed to make matters worse. He covered his mouth with a shaking hand and choked out the first syllable of his name.
"Ka-"
Suddenly, he backed away, his eyes wide, and began to run again. Kaoru shouted after him, pelting after him just quickly enough to grab the wrist of his shaking twin. Tears began to fill his own eyes at the sight of his brother's state. What have I done? Did I – did I cause this? What should I – how can I –
-How could I do that to him?
As his brother turned, Kaoru stared straight into the glistening eyes of his twin, his other half. His expression conveyed unspoken words, silently whispering questions to which he feared the answer – there was nothing he could do to fix this. He had hurt Hikaru somehow, and there was no way he could ease the pain. In the past, he would have only had to hold out his hand for the two to reconcile and be connected once more, but now...Now, all he had was apologies and questions that would never be answered.
"I'm sorry, Hikaru. I'm so sorry…"
...
Hikaru stared at his brother, momentarily confused at his words. 'Sorry'? Why was he apologising? Did he have any idea how it felt? Did he even know why Hikaru was running?
Why did he follow me?
Wait. If Kaoru knew what he was apologising for, if he knew about Hikaru's feelings and had really rejected them so thoroughly, been so sickened by them, then why was he here, trying to apologise? Why would he even care?
These thoughts attacked Hikaru's already bruised and confused mind, driving him to a last defence, his weapon of choice. Pretend like nothing happened, and try to regain some pride. He wiped his eyes quickly. There was no way this was going to work…
"I have no idea what you're talking about, Kaoru. Now, if you wouldn't mind, I have somewhere to be and you are currently obstructing me. Please let go of my-"
"SHUT UP, HIKARU! YOU'RE NOT OKAY! YOU'RE CRYING, YOU IDIOT! HOW CAN I – how could I leave you like that…"
Hikaru froze, again taken back by his brother's words. Kaoru never shouted, never let go of his emotions to such an extent. Oh god, it was all coming out – he couldn't hold on any longer –
"What do you know? What gives you the right to pretend like you're sorry? Just leave me, the way you've been doing for months. You knew, didn't you? You abandoned me, your disgusting, 'sick and wrong' doppelganger, so why not keep it up? You don't want me; stop trying to pretend that you care. Just go away, I don't want this, I don't want to think anymore… I hate you, I hate you so much, I hate…"
His words trailed off as tears choked him, and words he couldn't voice had to be forced down, covered up. He tugged weakly once more at Kaoru's grip. Damn, why was he being so weak!
Suddenly, his arm dropped. Kaoru had let go…? He looked up, trying to confirm something in his brother's gaze, but meeting an expression filled with such pain and anger that he froze, intimidated almost to the point of cowering away. He held his fiery gaze, trying to discover what had riled Kaoru so. Kaoru raised his arm, glaring intensely at Hikaru. That hand that he had once almost considered a part of himself, that he had clung to, suddenly seemed very, very different. What is he going to –
SLAP!
The harsh blow to Hikaru's face resounded emptily around the corridors, as he fell to the floor at his brother's feet, clutching his flushed cheek. He looked up once more, hurt and shock stopping his tears and barricading him from replying. Kaoru's own face was twisted with some sort of enormous pain, as tears of anger and hurt began to flow down his identical face as well.
"How could you say that? After all these months I've spent, desperately trying to hide it from you, from the world, you do this? First you kiss me, nearly killing me because it shows just how unreturned my feelings are- it's all just brotherly love to you, isn't it? – And then you do a complete turnaround like this, and suddenly I'm the one hurting you. What do you know, you ask. At least I know my own feelings! I don't go around playing with other people's emotions out of boredom! At least I know where I stand, even if it's an impossibly painful place to be!"
He sank down, knees seeming to give way as his anger dissipated into sadness. The two now knelt together on the floor, defeated and filled with hurt. The perfect reflections harmonised completely – except for the mar Kaoru had placed on Hikaru's cheek in his anger.
"I never wanted any of this to happen." Kaoru whispered, almost to himself. "I only wanted it all to stay the same, to never change."
By this point, Hikaru was utterly confused. Those were his lines that Kaoru was speaking! He couldn't read Kaoru's eyes, couldn't understand him without words they way he once could. He would have to ask.
"Wait. What do you mean? What did you hide? Why? I don't understand…"
His words were asked in innocence, but Kaoru flinched like Hikaru had hit him. An unidentifiable expression crossed his face, and he sighed, his shoulders drooping in defeat. But, what was he giving in to…?
Kaoru looked him full in the eye, sending electric tingles down the older twin's spine. There was something in those eyes, a look he had often avoided seeing in mirrors. It was the look of one who has suffered the weight of a torturous secret, and the pain of denying your very heart. He couldn't look away from it – he was captured in the reflection in front of him.
"It's all because of you. It was all for you, and yet here we are…"
Kaoru seemed to a breath, before continuing in a voice no louder than a breath.
"It's because I love you."
[A/N] And with that, my dears, I am FINISHED my first joint fanfic! (Well, it was joint until I demoted Hobbsie...). Anyway, SilverWillowMusic's first fanfic was a struggle, but we did it! Thank you for reading! I shall leave you to imagine what happens next...
JUUUUST KIDDING!
You know I love you all, right? Even you who don't review? I lo~ove you! (*cough* I'd-love-you-more-if-you-reviewed-the-story *cough*)
Sorry if my little french quote was wrong - I just HAD to put it in somewhere. I kinda changed the end of it, and my french isn't amazing, so if I've misquoted it or got something wrong, please tell me. Just out of interest, who recognises the origins of said french quote? FREE VIRTUAL COOKIE FOR THOSE WHO DO~
'Je parle dans du nom du père; ne pas lâchez de la main de l'ange, qui est mieux que la comédie vulgaire de cette vie que nous vivons…'
This translates as:
'I speak in the name of the father; do not let go of the hand of the angel, who is better than the vulgar comedy of this life that we live...'
It's a lovely little phrase, ne? It's so meaningful - They are each other's angels! (fangirl squeal!) That's why I kept going on about them holding hands - it's a symbol of their longing for lost innocence! DON'T LET GO OF HIS HAND, HIKARU~!
Anyone who recognises that quote will have the finale dedicated to them, so if you know, speak up.
Sorry... just had to get it off my chest. By the way, once again, love all you reviewers! You are the light in my sky, the caffeine in my mornings, the Alfred to my Arthur (hetalia XD), the Light to my L - am I going overboard here? Gonna shut up now...
Thank you so much with putting up with us for this long! Only one more chapter to go (eek!), so please await the glorious finale patiently! It'll probably be really, really short.
Like, this short:
"OMG! Me too!" said Hikaru. And they lived happily ever after, amen.
I REALLY WISH I COULD DO THAT ( it'd be HILARIOUS) , BUT I CAN'T. I'll do it properly, promise. If I do it at all, that is. (tee hee)
NOTE: THE FINAL CHAPTER WILL BE RELEASED ON THE 22nd OF APRIL. This is because that is the day that I, Natsume, shall turn the page of another year on this planet. That's right! It's gonna be my BIRTHDAY! I want to get awl your reviews as presents :3
Until then.