Title: A Love Lost
Disclaimer: Yeah, Kill Shot will always be amazing.
Author's Note: Hey guys, sorry that this chapter took me a little longer than I expected. My apologies on not uploading it last night like I promise but I had work and my mother made me an offer I couldn't refuse. That woman knows my kryptonite. Regardless, I hope you all enjoy this chapter.
KP, aka Ashley
In contrast to the darkness and everlasting cold outside, Castle's loft felt warm and inviting. It was a beacon in the cold November wilderness that was Manhattan. The fire was roaring on the opposite side of the loft and he could see it crackling brilliantly as he proceeded in. Alexis was curled up on the couch reading The Book Thief. It reminded Castle of when his daughter was a little girl reading to herself as the fire warmed her and their home. Seeing Alexis that way gave him something better to think of rather than worrying about Beckett after the shooting today.
He shook all thoughts of the matter away and hung up his coat and dropped his keys in the small bowl by the front door. At the sound of keys clinking and the door closing tightly to shut out the cold Alexis looked up at her father. Her eyes were filled with worry. They had been since he called that afternoon to tell her about the shooting.
"Dad," Alexis said in a hushed tone. She managed to get out of a class a little early to take her father's call. "What's wrong? You never call me at school."
Castle took a deep breath trying to steady his thoughts. Though his mind was still fixated on Detective Beckett he needed to focus so he could speak with his daughter. She had a right to know about the shooting. Though he tried to keep his 'work life' and his home life separate sometimes the two needed to mix, and now was one of those times.
"Yeah, well, kind of. I just… I needed to talk to you."
"Dad, you sound horrible." Worry riddled her voice as she spoke. The teenager took a moment and spoke again. "No offence."
That's what Castle needed, a good laugh. Thankfully his daughter could provide him with that moment and take him away from the case. The joke's effect only lasted a few seconds but he wore a smile proudly.
"None taken, pumpkin. I figured that you'd hear about this no matter what but I wanted to be the one that told you." How would he approach the topic? Just dive into or beat around the bush? No, his daughter deserved a straight answer and if it worried her then so be it. "Today, as Beckett and I were headed out from the precinct there was a sniper."
"A sniper?" Alexis yelled through the other end. "Crap," she said realizing that her statement was a bit louder than necessary. "Is everyone alright? Are you alright? What about Beckett?"
Castle nodded though his daughter couldn't see him through the phone. Somehow it brought him solace though Alexis wasn't there and he couldn't give her a giant bear hug and hold her. That's what he needed anyways, but with Beckett alone in the conference room he didn't know whom else to turn to.
"One of our witnesses was killed. It looks like he was the intended target. As for Beckett," he trailed off looking back at the conference room, which was still shut up. All the blinds were still drawn keeping in all the light. There was no way of telling what Beckett was doing unless he walked in, but that wasn't an option right now. After the detective snapped at Castle he not only felt hurt but also like an ass. He should have known better and not followed his partner into the conference room. All she wanted was to be left alone rather than nagged about needing to open up and hear "Everything will be alright."
Beckett was right; things wouldn't be fine for a while. Not until they caught the jackass that opened fire out front of the precinct.
"Dad," Alexis said breaking through his daze. She had that effect on her father. "You never answered me?"
"Right," he stated back turning to look somewhere else than the conference room. He needed to get his mind of Beckett for a bit and focus on other things. "She's, well she's Beckett."
"That's real descriptive."
He chuckled. "I'm giving her some space right now. She snapped at me."
Alexis sighed, "And that's different from any other day because?"
"Usually she doesn't mean it. I'll say something stupid like always and then Beckett will roll her eyes and say something back sarcastically. But today," he couldn't help but not look at the conference room once more. "Today when she yelled at me, it was different."
"What did you expect dad? Two sniper incidents in a year is a lot for someone to handle, even Beckett."
She was right. Regardless of how strong a person was something like this would slowly eat away. Castle saw Beckett lose control of the situation and how scared she was. It wasn't like her but was this the detective he would see more often? Someone that was broken and trying to repair herself? No, what Beckett was doing wasn't repair it was more destruction. Rather than allowing someone to just sit with her she pushed the one person away. But why? Why would Beckett push him away?
"You still there?" Alexis asked.
He nodded, "Yeah," his voice was still a bit hoarse as he spoke. "I should get going. You have class."
"I can leave right now and meet you at the precinct if you want?"
Castle smiled at the thought of his daughter ditching class but under these circumstances he felt uncomfortable about it. "It's alright, I'll see you tonight. I love you."
"Love you too, dad. Give Beckett my best."
He nodded once more taking a large gulp of air. "Will do, kiddo."
Alexis ran to her father leaving her book behind on the couch. She nearly knocked the writer over. She buried her head into his chest and wrapped her arms around him. Castle did the same but rested his head atop his daughter's. Both closed their eyes trying to have a moment of silence.
But in the Castle household it was never that easy. Both could hear Martha's footsteps come down the staircase and stop midway.
"Richard, you're back." His mother said finishing her stride down the steps and kissing his cheek. "Alexis told me about today."
He nodded releasing his daughter and walking towards the kitchen. His stomach was empty but the writer didn't feel the need for food. His stomach was doing flips as he walked and it hadn't settled even after Beckett came out of the conference room.
Martha and Alexis followed the writer in tow not wanting to leave his side. The women sat opposite the writer at the counter watching as he moved about the kitchen aimlessly. Nothing looked appealing to Castle as he opened cupboards, the refrigerator, or pantry. All of it looked revolting and unappetizing. He ended up pouring himself a glass of 7up to calm his stomach. It was the go-to drink whenever his stomach felt uneasy and now seemed like the perfect time to have it.
"So," Martha said in an easy tone. "How's Beckett doing?"
Castle shrugged looking down into the bubbly glass. The granite countertop was completely distorted through the glass as bubbles rose to attention. They rolled off the sides of the glass meeting in the middle and instantly popping on the surface. Even the fizzing sound couldn't help his stomach and sounded like nails on a chalkboard.
"She was closed off the rest of the day. She even said no to coffee."
Martha looked at her son apathetically. "Darling, she's probably trying to work through things. Beckett's tough, she'll make a comeback."
"It's not about that mother." Castle said wincing at his words. They sounded harsh and he wanted to apologize but continued with his thought. "It felt like the woman I was sitting next to all day was someone else. As if the old Kate Beckett was swallowed whole by something bigger and stronger than her."
"With a murder and a sniper she has a lot on her hands, dad."
Castle sighed, "I understand that sweetheart but, what am I supposed to do? I want to be there for her but I know that she'll turn me away. Beckett is not good at sharing and she won't open up to me."
Martha and Alexis both sat back in their stools looking at the writer. He looked more rundown without a shave. The dark bags beneath his eyes seemed to be growing darker by the second, and his shoulders were slumped forward on the counter.
"Dad," Alexis said reaching a hand out to her father. "If there is anyone that knows Beckett it's you. You know her better than anyone and sometimes opening up to those that mean the most to you is difficult."
Castle could see where his daughter was headed but wanted to turn the other way and not listen. Sometimes the truth hurts especially when your teenage daughter has to spell things out for you. But rather than retreating to his office or even a hot shower he stayed in the company of his mother and daughter.
There was something about the kitchen anyways that felt more inviting than the sound of his sheets brushing up against his skin. It wasn't the fact that his family was there or that the fire was roaring close by. There was something indescribable to the feel of the cool granite countertops beneath his fingers. There was always something more.
"I don't know," he said shrugging. "She didn't touch her food at lunch today. I was thinking about bringing her some Thai food just so she had something."
"Richard, Beckett is an independent woman that is capable of feeding herself."
"I know, but the way she was acting today I know that she won't get anything to eat. I can't explain it but even if I just drop food off and leave I'll feel better."
Alexis looked at her grandmother and then back to her father. "You do what you think is best, dad. Gram and I won't say anything about it."
Martha scoffed, "I really failed at teaching you about relationships didn't I?" The woman questioned towards her son.
That perked up his lips a bit. "Oh no mother, you were a shining example in my life."
She gave her son a warm smile and cupped his hand in her slender paler hands. His mother's hand was much warmer than his own but he didn't mind. The cool contrast from the countertop and his mother's felt nice. But his stomach continued to flip silently and kept the writer in a constant state of upset. He didn't know how Beckett would make it through this one.
The writer made a quick stop at a Thai restaurant close to Beckett's apartment. It was a new one that opened up not to long ago but from Beckett's review on the place it was actually pretty good. Castle wasn't sure what his partner typically ordered at the place but got her barbeque pork marinated in honey and Thai seasoning, pad see ew, chicken house fried rice, and bamboo with chili, garlic, and prawns.
Thankfully everything fit into the large paper bag and it wasn't too difficult to carry through the building. He tried calling Beckett's cell but it went straight to voicemail. Understandable since she wanted to be alone and just disappear. But Castle couldn't let her fade away that easily he wouldn't allow it.
Though Beckett didn't recall his statement he still felt his love for her grow every time something like this happened. Even when he gave his partner coffee in the morning it was his way of giving her a good morning kiss. Though he would most likely never kiss her again doing little things for her would satisfy his need to console her and be there for the detective.
"Does she make you happy?" He recalled Alexis saying to him after Beckett returned from her father's cabin.
His eyes perked up but were completely serious as he spoke. Castle understood why his daughter phrased the question in the first place. She wanted to know if this one woman meant the world to her father and his response only confirmed that more.
"Yeah, she does."
It was the little things that Kate Beckett did that made his love for her grow even more. In times of need he was conflicted between wanting to give her space and wanting to hold her until things got better. His lips twitched as he confronted her door. Hesitantly his arm rose and knocked. It was louder than he expected but heard nothing for a moment.
The writer pressed his ear against the door and heard movement then a yell. His mind went instantly to the sniper that shot Beckett back in May and that perhaps now he was taking her life.
Castle slammed his fist against the door clamoring for the detective to answer. "Kate, Kate!" he yelled in the hallway. At this point he didn't care if he sounded like a raging lunatic, all he wanted was for his partner to be safe.
He set the food down next to the door and backed up steadying himself. The writer threw his body against the door but it was no use. Damn metal doors. "Kate!" he yelled once more trying to get her attention.
One more attempt and then he would search for the key. Carefully and quickly he aligned himself with the middle of the door and pressed his back against the opposite wall. Castle wasn't going to lose her again, not now not ever. He sprinted full speed at the door ramming against it with his right shoulder. It sent a shiver of pain through his bones but he shook it off. The door was too sturdy for him and it was no use.
Reaching above the doorframe he searched aimlessly for the key. His shoulder hurt but rather than crying out in pain he winced and pulled through. Castle felt along the cold steel until he felt a small bump. It felt like tape and he quickly pulled away.
"Bingo," he muttered to himself quickly pressing the small key into the metal lock.
The door burst open as he pushed all his weight against it.
"Beckett, Kate!" he yelled out looking around the room. He could see that everything was still in its place except for the coffee table. It was overturned and there was broken glass all over the floor.
His eyes were wide as he searched the area for his partner. Then he heard breathing. It wasn't his and he turned looking in the corner by the television. There huddled next to the stand was Kate Beckett holding her gun and blood trickling down her arm.
She looked at him with wide fearful eyes and examined his movements. She didn't move or even back away when he took a step closer.
"Castle," Beckett said in a hushed tone. "Wha-what are you doing here?" her arm dropped seeing that this was a friend not a foe. Her breathing was still ragged but she felt more at ease.
He moved towards her first taking the gun from her hand and placing it on the arm of the couch then holding her small fragile hands. Castle saw the blood first but didn't look surprised.
"You hardly touched your food at work so I brought you dinner."
The writer brought his partner up to her feet and steadied her. "Let's clean your arm up." Before completely entering the kitchen he quickly rushed out the door to retrieve the food, which was still sitting peacefully outside. He made sure to close and lock the front door (all three locks) before returning to the kitchen.
Beckett stood at the sink holding her arm up as blood pulsed through her fingers. It slowly dripped into the sink at her elbow, not landing anywhere else on her body. She stared at him as he walked into the kitchen placing the large brown paper bag on the metal tabletop and then focused on her.
"You didn't bandage your arm up again."
Beckett nodded as Castle held her hand and elbow leaning it farther over the sink. "Yeah, I wanted it to air out a bit."
He scoffed, "Look at the good it did you? You have another gash on the other side of your arm."
She hadn't even realized that until he mentioned it. Beckett just assumed once she went through the glass that it reopened the wound from Gomes. It didn't matter though, as long as Castle managed to patch her up and she could go to work that's what was most important.
He carefully touched her arm and grazed over the cuts. "This might sting a little," Castle said tenderly rubbing the cuts. He could feel Beckett tense up and even hold back a cry of pain. Once it looked like all the glass was out he rubbed her hand. "I'm sorry,"
Beckett looked up from the blood draining down the sink and upon his face. Castle refused to look her in the eyes and stared down at her arm.
"Why are you sorry?"
He shrugged, "I should have come sooner." The two locked gazes momentarily but Castle ruined the moment. Now wasn't the time to look longingly at his partner. Now all he had to do was take care of her and know for sure that she was healthy. "Do I have permission to get the first aid kit?"
Beckett nodded, "It's under the sink in my bathroom."
Castle nodded and headed back through the apartment. He didn't take the time to graze about looking at her books, pictures, and trinkets. Quickly walking through the family room and down the hallway he came across her bedroom. That dark wood door that stood in his way was no open to him. Thankfully this time he didn't need to knock and wasn't worried about seeing Beckett nearly topless again.
He flipped on the lights and headed for the bathroom. As much as Castle wanted to do a little snooping he knew that tonight wasn't the time for it. Hell, he respected the woman so that would most likely never happen. Castle ducked below the sink quickly going through the small white cupboard. He ignored the hair products, razors, and other feminine products as he looked for the first aid kit.
After moving some items about, he finally found the little white box. Castle kept her other items from toppling out of the cupboard and quickly closed the white doors.
Beckett was still standing in front of the sink when he returned holding a towel to her arm. Blood managed to seep through and stain the greenish white towel. She looked lost as she stood against the white sink. No more blood trickled down her toned arm but the smell lingered.
Castle opened up the white box on the metal tabletop and took out two gauze pads and the tape. He pressed one pad against the reopened wound and taped it down. He did the same for the newest wound and took a longer sheet of gauze. Skillfully he wrapped the gauze around her arm and secured it with tape. Castle's thumb rubbed against the gauze tenderly trying to comfort his partner.
"Do you want a plate?" he asked closing the box and leaning against the table.
Beckett shifted uncomfortably in her kitchen. "I'm not very hungry to be honest."
"Then you can add it to the Styrofoam tower in your fridge, but I urge you to at least eat something." He pouted opening the paper bag. "It's from that new Thai place you like."
She gave him a weak smile, "Is there pad see ew in there?"
Castle grinned back at her and nodded. "Yes along with barbeque pork and other goodies. It's a shame though that Thai food doesn't come with a fortune cookie. Perhaps they should give a golden cat or something."
"You're still thinking Chinese with that one, Castle." She gave him a stronger smile as she grabbed two plates.
"Oh," he said taking the Styrofoam containers out. "I wasn't planning on staying."
Beckett's smile dropped and her eyes went down to the plates. She looked defeated as she chewed on her bottom lip and nodded. "Yeah, I should have assumed-"
"Kate, I just figured you would want some time alone."
The detective nodded again taking a moment to herself. "You wanted me to open up so this is my best shot."
Castle looked at his partner apathetically, his eyes soft as their gaze met. "I don't want to push you to do something that you're uncomfortable with."
She shrugged, "My therapist told me that sometimes it's good to talk these things out."
"But you really don't want to?"
Beckett looked down swallowing hard as her jaw tightened. "No, I don't want to."
Castle moved closer to his partner and ran a hand down her arm. "Then we don't talk about the sniper, we don't talk about the case, or anything having to do with whatever internal battle is going on."
She studied his large hand resting in the crook of her elbow. It was large and warm; it felt so inviting and ready to hold. But Beckett held off on the urge and allowed her eyes to dance up his body towards those beautiful blue eyes of his. Just like his hand Castle's eyes were more than inviting. They were soft and tender but not in a sympathetic way. He would never baby her and pretend that things would be alright. That wasn't his style and the writer knew all too well that if he ever did something out of pity for his partner she'd shoot him on the spot.
Her hand moved over his and gave it a light squeeze. Beckett's fingers burrowed beneath his palm and rested there feeling the warmth and taking it in. Was now the time to have that talk? No, right now was about friendship rather than talking about feelings.
Beckett's head nodded slowly and her lips twitched up. "Okay,"
Castle's smiled and squeezed her hand for reassurance before pulling away and opening the containers. "So I had no idea what you like from this place and I couldn't remember if you like curry or not."
The detective shrugged, "The curry there is a little runny but this stuff looks great."
The partners plated up and stood at the tabletop eating and conversing. The conversation was slow but not because they ran out of topics. Castle continued to survey the room as they ate. He noticed that Beckett had been drinking what appeared to be vodka and would later clean up the glass.
Beckett still looked like Beckett but to Castle this was a different woman. Sure, she let her hair down many times but it was never this curly. He would have made a joke about there being a wild Beckett running rampant through the apartment but chose his battles. After the previous night and what happened earlier that day he decided that keeping his jokes to himself might be a better option than usual.
Their night wasn't filled with laughs but a few lighthearted jokes. Castle tried to make Beckett smile but it seemed nearly impossible to do. She was still so damaged and broken inside that repairing her would be a feat in itself.
Once the two completed their meals Castle left his partner to the plates and began cleaning up the family room. Beckett protested but with one look resided in the kitchen. She knew why he was doing all of this. Castle was trying to give her a gentle reminder that there are more people she can talk to than just her therapist.
"So," Castle said standing beside her after the area was cleaned. Her apartment looked like before with exception to the blinds still shut tightly.
"What I said earlier, it's the truth."
Castle looked down to their hands that were mere inches apart. "Kate,"
"No," she exclaimed in protest. "I feel that there is something constantly hovering around me."
He raised a hand. "Yeah, it's me your partner."
Beckett smiled and wacked his shoulder, "I'm trying to be serious, jackass. It's like this weight that is always pressing down on my chest and sometimes it's difficult to breath."
"Did you see your therapist today?"
She nodded chewing on her bottom lip. It was a cute habit of hers but sometimes it meant more. "He said I might have PTSD."
Castle sighed leaning on the table more. "It's not uncommon."
"I know, it's just," her voice trailed off as her eyes moved towards a picture of her parents that hung on the adjacent wall. Beckett had looked at that photo too many times to count but it always seemed so new to her. The way that her parents looked at each other, the amount of love coursing through the picture, it was indescribable.
"Yeah, I get it. For you it's uncommon."
Beckett scoffed, "That didn't sound sarcastic."
Castle sighed propping himself up and looking at her. Beckett's green eyes were darkened by something that Castle couldn't name. "I'm not trying to pick a fight here."
"Sure as hell seems like it."
The writer looked away trying to distance himself from Beckett. Perhaps dropping by was a horrible idea and he should have listened to his mother and daughter.
"Kate, all I'm saying is that PTSD can stir up whenever. You shouldn't just denounce it because you want to be strong. You carry the weight of the world on your shoulders too much rather than putting it down and taking a breather."
Was he right? He often times was and out of everyone Castle could read her the best. He wouldn't have based a novel series off the detective if he couldn't read her well. It was a habit of his to speak out of terms but he did it with heart. Rather than standing there and defending himself he was trying to help her cope with whatever inner demons she was facing. Castle was putting his feelings aside for his partner and trying to understand what Beckett was going through.
She tried digging her fingernails into the metal tabletop but failed as they curled underneath her palms. Beckett tried working things out in her head before speaking but came up short.
"Thanks for the food Castle, but I think you should leave."
Castle nodded, "I was thinking the same thing."
Beckett followed her partner to the door and opened it for him but he didn't leave immediately. He turned to her cupping her cheek in his hand. Tenderly he ran his thumb beneath her left eye. The action took Beckett by surprise but she stood there stoically waiting for the next move.
"You don't have to fight every battle on your own." Castle whispered. He knew that there was some boundary he most likely overstepped but it was no matter to him. He needed that sense of connection, the urge to touch his partner was overpowering.
The writer swallowed and leaned in slowly. Beckett's eyes grew wide and replayed their kiss in her head. Was he going to? Was he serious? But his head didn't move down to her pink supple lips. He stayed higher and kissed her forehead staying there for a moment taking in her scent. It was still intoxicating and sent goosebumps through his skin. After pulling away and dropping his hand Castle looked into her eyes for reassurance.
"Until tomorrow?" he questioned.
Beckett nodded, "Until tomorrow, writer boy."
Castle gave her a weak smile and left the detective standing in her doorway dumbfounded by his actions and also genuinely touched. The hard part was accepting her feelings and that would take much more time than she wanted.
Author's Note: Thus concludes chapter four. I hope you guys liked it and I'm having a great time writing this story. I tried to keep this chapter lighthearted but at the same time it needed that sense of urgency and drama. Since this story is using Kill Shot as a stepping stone I feel that it needs some sort of tenderness and tear jerking moments. Thankfully no tears yet.
I know that it might seem very out of character for Castle to bring Beckett dinner and even touch her so tenderly but what I'm trying to drive home is the fact that she's not alone like she thinks she is. There are people there for Beckett and that are willing to always be by her side no matter what. I think that I incorporated the PTSD in well and stayed true to how Castle and Beckett would handle the situation. Hopefully you guys agree with me and please remember, reviews are always welcome. I want to hear your opinions on this story so I can keep making it better.
Thanks and until next time,
KP, aka Ashley