A/N: Thanks for all the reviews! You guys rock! More sad times for Leyton ahead…It has to get worse before it gets better…Please continue to review! Thanks!
Disclaimer: I don't own One Tree Hill
Chapter Four: The Truth Stares You in the Face
Lucas couldn't help but be a little worried. Last night he had called every Holiday Inn in the Savannah area and none of them had a Peyton Scott staying there. He had even checked if she used Sawyer. He wondered if maybe he heard her wrong. Maybe she was supposed to be staying at a Ramada or a Hilton. Or maybe it was something else.
His reason for calling was Marissa. She had added another word to her vocabulary. Pretty. He was putting her down for a nap and she just blurted it out. He looked around for someone to share it with, but Anna and Elizabeth were at ballet and soccer practice. His mom was busy at work and he knew that Peyton would want to hear about this. It was one of the many worries she had.
But instead of sharing the great news with her, he spent the entire day trying to find her. And by eleven, he had given up the quest. He could have called her cell phone, but he knew she wouldn't answer it. She always had it set on silent mode and she hardly ever checked her messages.
Now, he was finishing lunch with the girls. It was Saturday and Peyton would be home any minute. He was nervous on how he should approach the situation. He'd probably do what he always did. Ignore it. He was afraid to bring up anything with Peyton. Afraid to set her off. Because he didn't know what she was thinking. Some where along the way he had lost the ability to read her like a book. Sure he knew some things like when she was upset, but he didn't know why.
"Hey guys," Peyton said happily, as she entered the kitchen.
"Mommy!" Anna cheered, jumping off her stool and running to her. She wrapped her little arms around Peyton, and Peyton stumbled back from the impact.
"Oof," Peyton muttered as Elizabeth and Marissa joined the two of them in a big group hug. Lucas looked on with a small smile from the stove.
"Mommy we missed you!" Elizabeth said.
"I missed you guys too. Were you good for daddy?" Peyton scooped up Marissa.
"Yes," the two oldest chorused a little too quickly. She raised an eyebrow and turned to Lucas.
"Were they good?"
"Oh yeah," Lucas said putting down his towel, "Except for when they tried to lock Marissa in the closet, or draw on our hallway wall with crayons or of course my favorite they fed Spud Marissa's dinner." Spud was their one year old golden retriever. The dog Lucas hated, but let the girls get because of Peyton's pleas.
"Oh girls," Peyton sighed, shaking her head. She couldn't keep the grin off her face. Lucas walked over to her slowly.
"Marissa learned a new word," he said.
"Really?" Peyton asked looking up at her daughter. Marissa just cooed. "I'm gone one day and she speaks." Lucas paused debating whether to bring up the subject.
"Yeah, I tried to call you-"
"I know. Mel told me," Peyton interrupted, "I stayed with Ginny this time. She's the market manager in Savannah. I figured it would save us some money." Lucas looked in her eyes. She was hiding something. Even possibly lying. "I was going to call you back, but I was really busy."
Truth was she didn't want to call him. She only got one day a month to try and forget he existed. Though she always failed miserably at it, talking to him only made her task more difficult.
"It's ok," he said. Peyton set Marissa down on the floor along with her bags. The girls scurried off leaving Peyton and Lucas alone.
"What are you making?" she asked changing the subject.
"Grilled cheese. The kids just finished, but I put an extra sandwich on for you."
"How'd you know I'd be home in time?" She peaked at the stove as Lucas slid the sandwich onto the plate.
"Just had a feeling," he shrugged. Peyton sat on the other side of the counter on a stool. He handed her the plate.
Lucas cleaned up while Peyton ate. It was like any other day. Their ministrations were done in silence. Only difference this time was Lucas watched her out of the corner of his eye. She took small bites, chewed thoroughly, but most importantly she liked to watch him. Especially when he seemed to be distracted. It made him smile internally to know she really did love him. It may not be who he wanted, but it made him feel safe.
"I'm going to go to your mom's café," Peyton said as she brought her plate to the sink and began washing it. Lucas slid behind her and wrapped his arms around her tiny waist. He buried his head in her neck. Peyton let out a deep breath as she shut off the sink. Her hands tentatively landed on his arms.
"Are you taking the kids?" he asked. She nodded against his chest. Suddenly flashes of Brooke and him after Nathan and Haley's wedding flooded his mind and just like that, he stepped back and let go of his wife. Peyton closed her eyes and collected herself before turning around. She hated how quickly the affection ended.
"I'm gonna go now," she said quickly exiting the kitchen to collect the kids. Lucas sighed as she left. He was an ass and he knew it. But he just didn't know how to make it better.
He always tried to do little things to show he did care. Because he did care. That's why he cooked dinner every night and helped her clean the house. One of the little things he always did was unpack her suitcase after her monthly business trip. He knew how tired she was after those trips. And he had learned how much she hated unpacking. In fact, she used to just throw her suitcase in the corner and not address it for weeks, but he had solved that problem.
While Peyton and the kids were with his mom, he was carrying on with that gesture. He started by removing all her clothes and tossing them in the hamper. She usually packed four outfits so she had choices for the flight home, and he knew she'd wash all of them because they had touched the dirty clothes. She was anal retentive like that. After that, he would empty out her toiletries bag and put all of her binders for work back on her desk. He was just finishing his task as he picked up the last four binders in her suitcase. His foot caught the corner of the bed as he turned the corner and the contents of the top binder spilled on the floor.
"Shit," Lucas mumbled as he picked up the papers that had spilled. Most were graphs and charts and proposals. But there was also a notebook with a gold inscription that read, "Peyton's thoughts." He mulled over what to do with it. Part of him wanted to put it back in the binder and hide from the truth. The other part wanted to know the truth. He let his finger drag over the binding before opening it up.
March 4th 2006
Dear Diary,
I've never been the type to keep a journal, but suddenly it seems necessary. I was all intent on leaving today. After the fight with Brooke and Nathan stuck in the hospital, I just couldn't handle all of this. But life likes to throw you curveballs. And this was the largest curveball of all. Lucas Scott at my doorway telling me Brooke took the first flight to New York and has no intention of coming back.
I know what you're thinking. Well, maybe you don't know, I haven't written in here yet. But what I'm thinking is this. Karma's a bitch. I should have been the one to leave. She should have stayed here and been happy with Lucas. Nathan and Haley could go off on their honeymoon and I would be attempting to live a happy life with Jake…But no karma had to bring the boy I love to my doorstep covered in tears. It was saying, "You broke this, now fix it!" And the crappy thing is I know I have to fix it. I have to make those tears go away and hold him until he gets over this. Because I love him. And I always will.
It's my fault that Brooke left. I shouldn't have told her I was in love with Lucas. God, this sucks. I always wanted Lucas to come to my doorstep professing his love, not pining over someone else. But like I said, it's karma. It's a bitch.
Lucas closed his eyes. Soaking in the first passage. Brooke had left because of Peyton. She had left because she thought Lucas would choose Peyton. He never knew that. He didn't want to read on, but something in his gut forced him forward. He flipped ahead a few pages.
April 24th 2006
Dear Diary,
Last night I made the worst mistake of my life. Well two of them actually. First, I slept with Lucas. I mean the sex wasn't bad (actually it was wonderful), but I still know it was wrong. I'd be a fool to think he was in love with me. And I was a fool to think "I love you" from him meant anything more than as a friend, but fuck it. I'm in love with him and I've been wanting to be with him since junior year…So that brings us to my second mistake.
He proposed and I accepted. What the fuck was I thinking? Oh wait, I know. I'm in love with him. But damn it, I know better than this. He's just doing this because he's afraid of being alone. He's afraid I'm going to leave him like Brooke did. He wants to tie someone down. He wants security. And all I want is for him to love me like I love him. So we're both destined to be miserable in this marriage. I'm an idiot.
Lucas felt a pang in his heart. He didn't realize how much Peyton loved him even in the beginning. He always assumed it had evolved. That her heart was always with Jake. He thought they were grieving together. He knew he had to keep reading now. How bad had it gotten?
July 13th 2006
Dear Diary,
I hate God. Ok, I know that's a little dramatic, but I'm kinda in a bad mood. You see I was in a car accident the other day. My head was in a different place and this van slammed into my car. I didn't see it coming, but luckily nothing happened. I don't know how lucky I am though.
See, I was on my way to Savannah to live with Jake. Not because I'm madly in love with him. I'm madly in love with my husband (yeah Lucas's my husband…we'll get to that in a second). But my husband is not in love with me and every rainstorm proves it to me…How many times do I have to say that before I accept it? So, Lucas and I were engaged at the time I sped off. I figured if I left him now it wouldn't hurt as much as when he leaves me ten years from now.
But fate or God or whatever you want to call it decided I have to stay here. You see when they took me to the hospital, they found out I was pregnant. And thus ending my dreams of fleeing. We got married the day after the accident at the court house. Oh, you should have seen the look in Luke's eyes when he heard the news. He's so happy. He always talks about wanting kids. I always said I wanted to wait until I was in my late twenties, early thirties, but it doesn't matter now. Our baby's on the way. So I guess my dreams have changed. I'll never get my big wedding on the beach. I'll never get to travel and THEN have kids. I'm forever stuck in Tree Hill.
March 21st 2007
Dear Diary,
I've just welcomed Elizabeth Peyton Scott into the world. May I just say she is the most precious thing I've ever encountered in my life. I know, I know. That's just the mother in me talking, but seriously…she's beautiful. Blonde little tuffs of hair and she hasn't opened her eyes yet but I'm sure she'll have the most gorgeous eyes in the world. She weighs 6lbs. 4oz. and she's eighteen inches long. I haven't gotten to hold her much because Lucas won't let her go. He still has tears in his eyes and he must have kissed my forehead a billion times. It felt good.
This is one thing Brooke didn't give him. A child. And that will always give me a special place in his heart. It may not be the place I want, but I'll take what I can get. I'm just glad to see him so happy. It almost makes me happy. I'm not so mad at God/fate anymore. Because God/fate gave me this baby. And I already can't imagine my world without her…or her father.
October 30th 2009
Dear Diary,
It's been awhile since I wrote. Over two years in fact. But I just haven't had the time with Elizabeth and now Anna. I just had Anna a few months ago. She's just as precious as Elizabeth, only for some reason I feel closer to her. She was conceived during a dark patch of my life. Lucas and I sort of drifted farther apart after the first few happy months with Elizabeth. He still loves her to death but his feelings for me are as hot and cold as ever.
I'm still depressed, but not as much. Yesterday Luke took the girls to see Karen and I got a call from an old friend. Jake. He talked to me for three hours. Well actually he listened to me for three hours. I spilled my soul to him. Every piece of information I had. From the parts about Brooke and my falling out to the parts about my unrequited love for Lucas. And he didn't judge.
He asked me to come visit him in Savannah. I know Lucas would never let me just go there. He still has issues with Jake after the whole abandoning me for the summer after junior year (It's kinda cute how he still protects me). I want to go though. Jake is one of the few people I can trust to talk to about these things. So I suggested to the company that I do the Savannah trip. That way I can visit Jake and no one would be suspicious. Besides what could go wrong?
Lucas's hands clenched the book in his hands even tighter. Peyton had been seeing Jake behind his back. And she had been doing it for four years now. Lord knew how much their relationship had evolved in that time. He didn't know why he felt so emotional about it. It was just the idea of his wife with another man that made him cringe. She was after all his wife. And he did love her in his own way. Lucas flipped the page and found the last entry in the book. It was from today.
March 25th 2013
Dear Diary,
Four years have past since I started these trips and I haven't written in you since. I haven't had a need. See, once a month I talk to Jake. He's like my own little diary, only he gives me feedback. I love him for that. Unfortunately I don't love him, love him. I care about him deeply. So it basically means I'm Lucas. I suck out the love and care that I need and give him nothing back in return. Although, he does tell me that my smile is all but enough. But I don't believe in sweet words. I've heard enough of them from my husband.
Lucas hasn't changed since Anna was born. He tries to be a good man, a good husband. But it isn't enough. I need someone who's going to love me back. But it's impossible for me to leave him. There's too much between us. I can't break my own heart. My efforts at saving this marriage are probably futile. He'll forever be lost to Brooke.
All I know is I'm tired of looking over my shoulder for Brooke to come waltzing back into Tree Hill and take away my husband. I just have a feeling as over as I say it is, it's really not. Brooke still loves him. Even two thousand miles away from her, I can feel it. Must be that best friend thing.
Lucas stared at the letter, thoughts swirling through his head. His wife was miserable and it was all his fault. He had to fix this. He just needed to figure out how. He had two options. End this marriage or figure out a way to forget Brooke. But hadn't he been trying to forget Brooke for six years now? It should have gotten easier. Hell, Brooke couldn't be thinking of him still…could she?
At that very moment, his cell phone rang on the dresser. He sauntered over and picked it up carelessly, not bothering to look at the number.
"Hello?" he asked, his mind someplace else.
"Lucas," a quiet, yet familiar voice whispered. Lucas froze in his track.
"Brooke?"
"I've missed you," she said simply. He looked up at the picture of he and his wife on their wedding day, both of them wearing fake smiles.
"I've missed you too."
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I still promise it's not a Brucas/Jeyton...THIS IS LEYTON...I just want to keep reminding people so my Leytoners don't loose faith...lol.