WARNING: This is crack, insane, random shit that makes no sense. It may cause internal bleeding, heart attacks, and seizures. The author is not responsible for any medical problems you may have while reading this.
Thank you and enjoy. :D

Instead of going to my activity, I headed to the lake. I remembered seeing it passing over toward the camp; I had ignored it then, but at that moment I longed to just sit there and watch the lake glitter and shimmer and….

Shit. Was gay rubbing off on me? Maybe dad wasn't as retarded as I thought.

I shook my head, sticking my chest out and walking as manly as I could. I couldn't lose my manly…ness. I had to win Wendy back when I got home and I couldn't do that if I came back longing for dicks instead of boobs. Well, maybe that was a bit much, but still, my thoughts earlier kind of scared me.

So, instead of going to the lake I headed over to the woods. Apparently we were going hiking tomorrow morning and I decided to explore a little before then and hopefully clear my head. I hummed slightly as I gazed around the trees I passed, reaching up to gently fix my hat. I looked around as I headed deeper, careful to stay on the path and know where it was I was going.

Eventually I stopped to rest against a tree, gently pulling my hat over my eyes to shield them from the sun filtering through the trees and into my eyes painfully. I parted my lips and breathed in, somewhat refreshed and calm. That is, until I heard something.

I was jerked to attention by loud rustling. Wide-eyed, I yanked my hat off, eyes shooting up toward the noise. I dropped my hat in shock.

"WHAT THE HELL!"

A giant fucking…HAIRY thing was right there. Bigfoot or sasquatch or whatever. He was tall, resembling a man, but was covered in dark brown fur. His eyes, just like human's, held mine. He smiled politely and I screamed.

"Why 'ello there, dear boy, do you—"

"GAAAAAAAH!" I yelled, jerking to my feet and whacking my head against the low branch of the tree painfully. "SHIT, THAT HURT!"

Worry flashed into creature's eyes.

"Are you okay?"

I held my head and looked at him. "….what?"

"I'm a trained doctor you know," he said proudly in some kind of British accent. "I studied at Harvard for four years."

"…." I gaped in reply.

"I also know five different languages, including French. Bonjour petit garcon!"

"You can talk?" I asked in awe, eyes wide. "Wait…you're not gonna eat me?"

His eyes snapped open wide and he held both hands up. "Dear heavens, no! I'm a vegetarian!"

"…." I blinked dully. "…..okay."

"You know, that's discrimination," he scolded, eyes now narrowed. "Not all of us eat humans and hunt animals then devour them slowly and painfully. Nope, not me. I adore little bunnies and humans make me laugh."

"Gahk," I gurgled, shocked and in pain. "Uhn, um….fuck."

He laughed and pointed a large hand at me. "See? Funny!"

"Uhn," I replied painfully, rubbing my throbbing head. "Right, whatever. I'm leaving now."

I turned and grabbed my hat, stuffing it in my pocket before I headed off. I grimaced when heavy, loud footsteps pounded after me.

"What?" I spun to him sharply, annoyed. He stumbled to a stop and smiled again.

"I have a request."

My eyebrow rose. "Oh, do you?"

"A-yup," he said. "Listen, I know you and your friends are hiking out here tomorrow, but, well…can you keep them away from the caves? My wife and the kids are sick."

My eye twitched. "….uh, okay….?"

He beamed. "THANK YOU!" his loud, happy voice made the earth and trees rumble. I cursed softly, glaring at him and waved my hand frantically.

"Dude, shut the hell up! Someone will hear you!"

"Oh my!" he giggled, covering his mouth. "I forget sometimes, y'know?"

My eye twitched again. "Bye," I turned and ran off, wondering why the hell the author put that bit in. Oh yeah, because she's a crazy bitch. Okay, okay, shut up Molly, I get it, you have a semi-plot. Geesh. Bitch.

I suddenly tripped over a rock, landing on my face hard. "Fine, I'll stop calling you a bitch! Bitch…"

A rock fell on my bruise from earlier.

"FUCK! OKAY SORRY!"

Ahem. Anyway. I stood, dusting myself off before I hurried out of the woods. I fixed my hat, whining softly at the pain that I felt. I jumped when my cell phone rang, grumbling as I pulled it out and flipped it open, pressing it to my ear impatiently.

"What?"

"Hm, weird way to greet your best friend," a familiar voice practical purred.

"Kyle?"

"Stan?"

"Kyle?"

"What?"

I blinked dully. "Why are you calling me?"

"Oh, I 'unno, wanted to see if you're straight yet."

"GOD DAMNIT KYLE, I TOLD YOU—"

"Okay, calm down," he snickered. "I was just messing with you. Man, you've been weird lately."

"That's because I'm being written by a fucking idiot of a fanfic wr—never mind. Anyway, how's Wendy? Still fucking that Clyde?"

Silence.

"Uhm," Kyle said. "Yeah, yeah she is. And half the guys in South Park."

"What?"

"Uhh, well, Kenny pranced in bragging about it then Cartman started laughing at you and talking shit about how you can't control your own girlfriend, so I told him to shut up then he called me a stupid Jew, so I—"

"Kyle!"

"Sorry. Anyway, I found out after your call with her she got so upset she started fucking random guys. Kenny, Token, Craig, Clyde of course, some side characters who have no names, and hell, she even threw herself all over Butters! Butters, for god sakes!"

"Butters?" I said in shock. Was Wendy really that upset?

"Well, of course he didn't get it…when she asked him if he wanted her, he started going on about his birthday or something. Dude, I seriously think he's gay."

"Enough about Butters," I snapped. "Listen, you have to do me a favor. Make sure no one else gets with Wendy."

I could practically feel Kyle's incredulous look. "What?"

"Just do it," I sighed. "Listen…I get what she did. I…did it too."

"Fuck!" Kyle yelped. "YOU REALLY ARE AN ASS-FUCKER! Duu-uude!"

My face went red. "Shut up Kyle! I did it with some chick…the daughter of the retard who owns this place! Gawd, really Kyle!"

He chuckled. "Sorry. Gay jokes are fun."

"Some friend," I hissed out. My reply was silence.

"Sorry dude," Kyle sighed. "I know this must all suck for you. I'll do my best."

I smiled slightly. "Thanks man. See you soon…hopefully."

I snapped the phone shut and shoved it in my pocket before heading back to the activities. Somehow I needed the straight comfort of Jason. He was the only other guy who didn't give me a perverted look or tried to grope me when I walked by.

I headed into the next activity room, blinking when I stepped into a peculiar sight. A man was sitting at his desk with his tie stuffed in his mouth, eyes wide and nervous, his hands bound behind his back. His glasses were tilted and he looked scrawny and weak, but kind of like one of those guys girls love to protect and hold. Or so Wendy says.

Two boys were with him, one gently stroking his hair, the other behind him trying to unbutton his pants. The rest of the class sat in awe, eyes wide and jaw dropped, hard and drooling. I almost turned and left, but I felt bad for the poor guy so I walked up calmly, ignoring the stares that flickered to me.

"Really?" I asked. "Really, guys? Let the friggin teacher go."

The one stroking his head glared at me. "Why should we? He's so fucking cute. We just have to mess him up."

I rolled my eyes. "Oh, you can, go ahead. But if you do," I clenched my fist and waved in threateningly. He looked unfazed.

"Not all gays are pussies," he sneered.

"CHYA! TTLY!" one of the boys in the audience cried, pumping his fist in the air in his pink Hello Kitty shirt—hey, Butters had the same one…

"Shut up Tyler," the boy snapped. The pink-boy pressed his lips together and slumped in his seat. I turned my attention to the other boy unbuttoning the poor, trembling teacher's pants and stepped forward when he went for his underwear.

I grabbed him by his hair and pulled him back, releasing him and allowed him to fly back and hit the wall painfully. He screamed and groaned in pain, sinking to the floor and passing out. Too easy.

I turned to the other boy, arms crossed. "Well? Want some too?"

He scrunched his nose up and pulled his hand away. "You know wha?" he leered at me. "You look tasty too."

I blinked. Not this again.

"If you so much as BREATHE near me, I swear I'll fucking rip your dick off."

He grinned. "Kinky."

"SHUT THE HELL UP!" I yelled, raising my fist and jumping toward him. He laughed and went all ninja and caught it, spinning me around and twisting my arm back, forcing my back to press against his chest. I withered in pain.

"Let me go, dickwad!" I shouted, struggling. He laughed again and I wanted to just friggin KILL him.

"No way, cutie," he snickered. "It's fun this way. We an all take turns guys," he said to the class. They looked up in shock but some just shook their heads in disappointment.

"OOOH ME FIRST!" some blonde yelled, waving his hand in excitement. "He looks yummehhh! Like Jared Leto!"

Um, what?

"Sure," he shrugged, his other hand pulling my hat off. He put it on his own head and stroked my head. My struggling increased. "But I wanna shot first."

"ZOMG I JUST JIZZED IN MY PANTS. D:" some French guy wailed, clutching his crotch. I twitched. What the hell were wrong with these people?

"Like I said, patient," he said coolly. "I'm gonna fuck this hot lil' bastard first."

"FUCK NO!" I roared, desperately lifting my foot and kicking him, but missed when he lifted his leg coolly and pulled my arm tighter. I howled in pain.

His hand moved to pull my pants and I clenched my teeth, growling as he fingered my underwear. I gave the awe-struck class a loathing 'after-this-I'm-gonna-fucking-kill-you-all' look. Some giggled, some looked away, some stared and some even drooled. Either way they obviously enjoyed this, little bastards.

Meanwhile that ass hole was sticking his hand in my pants as if it were natural. I yowled and growled and cursed, kicking and hitting and withering in sheer agony whenever he twisted my arm more.

He nuzzled the back of my head and…touched it. Yes, it. Fuck no. FUCK. NO. I let out a battle cry and jerked my head back, knocking him right in the face. He gasped and jumped back, hand jerking out of my pants to aid his throbbing face. I jumped away, clumsily groping for a hold to steady myself, my arm numb. I spun to him, growled again, and lunged.

I tackled him to the ground and punched him in the jaw, then again, then again. I hit his nose and chin and cheeks, finally stopping when I realized some of his blood got on my hat. I sniffed rudely, grabbing the hat and putting it on my head, calmly getting to my feet.

I kicked his limp body and walked over to the teacher, yanking the tie out of his mouth.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHGGGGGGGGGG—gurgle," he shrieked. I jumped, startled. "LITTLE—LITTLE CRAZY KIDS!" he wailed. "OH GOOOOOOD. MY WIFE IS GONNA KILL ME. SHE WON'T BELIEVE I WAS OVERPOWERED BY A BUNCH OF TEENAGER BOYS WHO TRIED TO FUCKING VIOLATE MEEEE. GAAAAHAHAHAAAAAAA!"

I covered my ears. "Dude. Shut the fuck up or I won't untie you."

His mouth snapped shut. I calmly untied him, stepping away when he jumped to his feet, knocking his chair down.

"YOU ALL!" he cried, pointing at the class. "DETENTION. NOW! NO HIKING TOMORROW AND NO….NO CAMP FIRE!"

"DEIHFUE#GFBUY!" the class wailed in agony. I fled, too confused and disturbed at what just happened to really get what the fuck was going on. Once I was free I looked at my unbuttoned pants, cursing when I realized that bastard had yanked my buttons off. Great. Now everyone saw my Terrance and Phillip underwear. I hurried to my cabin, my hand shielding my crotch area, slipping into the cabin when I made sure no counselors were out and about.

I shut the door and sighed heavily.

"…Stan?"

I screamed, spinning around to see Gregory giving me a weird look. He was slumped on his bed, doing home work. His eyes widened when he saw me.

"Stan…" his voice turned sultry.

"I…was just violated," I said in a cold voice. "Don't start."

He averted his eyes, cheeks red. I yanked jeans from my clothes stack and yanked my ripped ones off, shoving my new ones on before I calmly…well, not calmly. I stormed off, ignoring Gregory, who I assumed was drooling again.

I was surprised when I saw Delilah waiting for me. She smiled, eyeing me then waving me over. I hesitated but walked over, shoving my hands in my pockets before stopping in front of her.

"What?" I asked. Her eyebrow quirked.

"My dad wants to see you."

Shit.

"Something about you beating up Lerry…"

Double shit.

"He deserved it," she scoffed. "He keeps sexually harassing all the teachers."

Heh.

"Yeah," I said. "That's why I did it. He was doing that to the teacher…"

She giggled. "Not surprising. C'mon, I'll walk you there."

She offered her hand. I might have been over thinking, but for some reason when she did that, I thought in a way she was asking for something. I don't know what. A relationship? Answers? Maybe nothing. Maybe she just felt like holding my hand. Either way, I accepted her hand and felt comforted at the familiar, gentle warmth of a girl's hand.

It was then that I knew no mater what Wendy did, I wanted that whore back.

PS: Hurhurhur.
I told you. xD
And omg. I love Mr. Bigfoot already. c:
I mean, a British-Doctor-bigfoot? How awesome is that?
Don't worry, he actually comes in later. c: lol.
And yeaaahh. Lerry is a sexual predator. D:
You gotta admit that scene was hawt. o; NAWNAWJKJK. xD
btw, I'm aware Stan is WAAAAAAAAY out of character. He's not hotheaded.
BUT IT'S FUNNER WHEN HE IS. RIGHT GUYS? :D
So, ya. I know he's OOC. I intended him to be OOC. Just sayin'.
SOYAH. :D
ANYWAY.
Review! :D