"Remuuuus!"
Remus groaned, shielding his face as a whole load of Sirius pounced on him.
"What?" he moodily replied. He had been reading. Everyone knew not to disturb him when he was reading.
...Okay, so that wasn't true. It seemed like his friends waited for him to pick up a book before seeking him out.
"Why do we have Astronomy in the middle of the day?"
He had been pondering that very question himself just a few minutes ago. They had had a temporarily change in timetables, but Astronomy at noon?
Either there would be a few very boring theory lessons, or something else was going on.
"Do I look like Professor Sinistra?"
Sirius pouted. Remus sighed.
"I don't know, okay? Now get off me."
"Sirius! We have Astronomy at a different time tomorrow!" the voice of James shouted.
"Aren't you clever," Sirius muttered.
Remus rolled his eyes.
"Merlin, that was horrible!" James exclaimed as soon as they had left the classroom.
"They just...they just made us sit there and listen to that!" Sirius agreed.
"Don't you think you're exaggerating a bit? It was only-"
"NO! Don't say the word, Remus, don't say the word!"
"...you're being overdramatic."
"I still don't get what this was about," Peter whined.
"Too bad, as we'll never be speaking of this terrible incident ever again!" James announced.
"We'll be having this class again, you know," Remus remarked.
When James's eyes began to shine, he wished he hadn't.
"The only appropriate thing to do in this situation..."
"Is pulling a prank," Sirius finished for James.
"I don't understand," Peter complained.
"What kind of prank?" Remus warily asked.
"What would be the most fun?" James cheerily asked
"Flooding something's always nice," Sirius said.
"We're not actually working with water here," Remus sighed.
"So we'll use something else!" James laughed.
"I'm doomed," Remus groaned.
"Pads."
"Tampons."
"Uteruses."
"That's gross, Sirius!"
"Sperm."
"Red hair."
"No, James."
Remus wearily watched the debate go on. The two pranksters had been at it for hours, trying to decide what they were going to flood the classroom with. He wondered if it'd be very suspicious if he didn't show up for class.
"Condoms," Sirius suggested.
"And lube," James added.
"You're kidding, right?" Peter spoke up.
"They aren't," Remus assured his friend. "They're really going to. But condoms and lube? Half the class won't know what that is, you realise?"
"That's the idea," James evilly smirked.
"D'you think we can skip this class?" Peter asked, echoing Remus's earlier thoughts.
"No," he replied. "They'll skin us alive if we do."
"Smart boy," Sirius praised, patting Remus's head. He swatted the hand away, smiling.
"You'd better start looking up spells, then."
"Noooooo!"
"I'm not helping you."
"Please?"
"Nope."
Grumbling, Sirius started browsing the shelves. Remus shook his head in bemusement. If those two actually worked like that for their classes, they'd ace all of them.
Apparently, pranks were more important. Although he'd never understand them, their antics always managed to cheer him up.
Remus smiled. He was lucky to have such good friends.
"Please don't!" Peter begged.
"Sorry, Pete," James mock-apologised.
"Imagine all of our efforts going to waste!" Sirius dramatically sighed, pretending to faint.
The four of them were having breakfast in the Great Hall. Their first period would be 'Astronomy' again, which really just meant The Horror Class Called Sexual Education Meant To Torture Third-Years – at least, according to James. Remus just thought of it as S.E., which was much easier to wrap your tongue around.
"We've got everything, right?" James whispered to Sirius. Remus heard, of course.
"I know the incantation, and Secret Objects One and Two are located inside my school bag."
He wondered who had allowed Sirius to watch detective movies. They really ought to be given a fitting punishment.
Listening to him talk, for example.
"Are you sure about this?" he asked, wondering why he even bothered.
"Of course we are!" James proudly said, puffing up his chest.
"What could go wrong?" Sirius smirked.
"We could get caught, get detention,-" Peter protested.
"Sure, Peter, whatever. Like we care!" Sirius waved it off.
"Do you enjoy detention or what?" Remus demanded.
"Ah, for great pranks there is always a prize to pay, and we'll do it gladly!" declared James. Rolling his eyes, Remus gave up.
For the hundredth time that hour, Remus warily looked around, scanning the room. The lesson was almost over, and there still hadn't been any flooding or exploding whatsoever. It was highly suspicious. Then he saw James and Sirius exchanging looks, and knew the time for endless detention had come.
Mumbling the incantation under his breath, Sirius pointed his wand at the lube and condoms. Resisting the temptation to strangle him, Remus turned his attention back to the board.
"And so we will now all attempt to-" Whatever else Professor Sinistra had been saying was drowned out by the cries of the class as they noticed their two fellow classmates. Apparently, the spell hadn't worked correctly, and so James was now a giant condom and Sirius a human-sized bottle of lube.
Remus fell out of his chair laughing.
Right at that moment, Professor McGonagall entered the classroom.
"Aurora, the headmaster- what in Merlin's name is going on here?"
"I don't know!" a Hufflepuff girl replied. "They just turned into...that."
"Mr. Lupin, do you happen to know anything about this?" McGonagall asked, looking like she was about to erupt in a fit of giggles.
"They were trying to flood the classroom with those things," Remus hiccuped, barely containing his laughter long enough to answer. The bottle of lube glared at him. "I swear I didn't help them."
The condom joined the bottle in his glaring-at-Remus endeavor.
"Wonderful. It seems we have our educational material for the first-year sexual education classes," McGonagall said.
The condom fainted.
A/N
This is the reason the story is M-rated. Do you think I could change the rating to a T? Let me know!
So, this is the Great S.E.X. disaster. Completely believable, right...?
Anyway, this chapter gave me a shitload of trouble; it just...wouldn't...get...written! So I'm sorry for being a bit late with my update. The words really refused to get on the page, and I just...I almost threw my laptop against the wall, let's keep it at that.
Reviews make my day!
NOTE: One of you kindly pointed out to me I poster YII part two twice! That's hopefully fixed now.