Chapter 4

It was almost midnight on the fourth night of her voluntary imprisonment in the underground dungeons, Minevra had just left and Bella was washing out the two used glasses after she'd been persuaded to join the older woman in a bottle of nettle wine. She couldn't believe how much her life had changed in such a short period of time, already she and the Professor had fallen into an uneasy routine, although he was an unwitting participant as he still hadn't shown any signs of life apart from insisting on returning to his back every time Bella repositioned him.

As a perpetual early riser, even with the long hours involved in taking care of the Professor, she still found herself up at the crack of dawn. Much to Mitsys dismay she'd taken to making bread first thing, she kneaded and proved to get rid of some pent up energy and while it baked, filling the rooms with the seductive savoury aroma's of warm yeast and herbs, she tended to the Professors hygiene needs and massaged his stiff joints and muscles. In truth the baking gave herself something familiar to do and she half hoped the tantalising smell might awaken his senses, after all a man as substantial and solid as she'd found his muscled body to be had to have a healthy appetite.

But so far it hasn't worked. She'd felt quite embarrassed that first morning when she'd been first faced with the daunting task of his abloushions. She knew he was a very private man and even though his face was a blank facade she could easily picture the vicious sneer and burning loathing that would twist his sallow features, if he were capable of expression, at the very idea of her personal touch. Even through her relief that magic took care of the body's natural waste it had still taken a while that first day to pluck up the courage to remove the hospital gown and wash his pale skin. She'd found a number of old silvery scars marring his skin, especially on his back, and sadly remembered what she'd seen in his medical file. She always took extra care with these areas hoping that her tender touch could go some way to healing the flesh memory. She'd started to use one of her mothers deep healing balms but as she massaged his skin there was one spot, on his inner left forearm, that always felt cold to the touch almost as if his life blood flowed around the tissue instead of through it. She could have sworn she caught a glimpse of ... Something on that second night but on closer inspection she blamed the shadow of a candle flicker.

While his grey nightshirt seemed practical for easy access Bella found herself impulsively transfiguring it into a long sleeved navy top and another one from the endless supply in his drawer became a matching pair of navy and white checked bottoms, she'd also asked Mitsy to fetch some more pairs as she couldn't manage to make her transfigurations last for very long. She knew it would just be something else for him to complain about when he finally emerged but for now she was just content with her pretend silent victory.

She cleaned and cooked to fill in the time between potion dosages and diagnostic checks. She'd quickly got the hang of washing his hair which was looking much healthier under her ministries but after cutting him several times as she tried to perfect the excorio spell she gave in and shaved him the traditional muggle way. It still felt strange, cradling his head in her lap as she sat on his pillow, a cut throat razor in one hand, as she navigated the contours of his slack face.

She'd found herself gravitating to his bedroom more and more as the days marched on, at first she'd just curled up in the chair she'd conjured on that first night which Minevra had stabilised, to read. It hasn't taken long for the words on the page to spill out of her mind and into the room. She started with her favourite book, a battered copy of The Frenchmans Creek which she carried everywhere with her, but then she moved onto selecting random books from the Professors shelves to read aloud, the one on wizarding etiquette proved to be a revelation and went some way to making sense of Mitsy's bizarre behaviour.

She'd taken to talking to him too, it started when she began explaining what tests she was running on him and what potions she was spelling into his stomach, then she began telling him about herself. At first it was a monologue then somehow it became a conversation as she paused occasionally in case today was the day he wanted to respond. But he never had, his sleep was as silent as the dead.

Until tonight.

She almost dropped the wine glass in surprise as the distressed moaning, magically amplified by a monitoring spell, reverberated off the stone walls. Wiping her hands nervously on a tea towel Bella hurried to his bedroom, a kernel of fear fluttering close to her heart at what she might be faced with. The silent Professor was an amiable companion but she had no idea what to expect from his poisoned alter ego. Instinct made her pause in the doorway to observe as her Dad's long missed voice whispered a cautionary tale in her mind 'Fools rush in where angels fear to tread.' Motionless she watched, he still appeared to be comatose but he unconsciously seemed to be reaching for something. His hand was urgently searching the bed sheets and his pale face held an air of desperation.

Bella forced herself to think logically, she knew from the Medi-witch and Deputy Heads well meaning gossip that no-one shared his bed, he had no familiar that anyone was aware of and the very idea of a comfort from his childhood made a bubble of hysteria gurgle at her throat. With caution she drew her wand and approached the bed but as soon as her hand recognised the familiar olive wood of her wand she knew what was causing his anxiety. For a man like the Professor who existed wholly in the magical world the loss of his wand must be akin to the loss of a limb to an athlete. But should she? The Headmaster had left the dark wand with her and it was currently hidden in her underwear drawer. She tried to be rational, his magic was suppressed, the worst he could do was poke her with it and at best it could give him some comfort, after all wasn't that part of her vocation, to make her patient comfortable.

With a little trepidation she slipped the wood under his restless fingers and waited with baited breath to see if her gamble had paid off. As his fingers curled around the unique handle his demeanour instantly calmed and Bella found herself echoing his audible sigh as he once again became a breathing statue.

Relieved Bella slowly retreated to her chair, curled up with her journal and began to meticulously record tonight's events. Things were slowly becoming more interesting, she expected to have lots more to write about over the next few days and weeks. The Professor was starting to surface and things were about to become very different.

BASBASBASBAS

11th September

It turns out Madame Pomfrey has a sweet tooth and a weakness for cake, she comes down to the Professors rooms every morning about half past ten, she claims its part of her rounds but Minevra reckons she only comes for the cake I make, personally I think she wants to make sure the Professor survived the night, don't think it would look good on her record if her trainee killed her one and only patient!

Madame P wasn't very happy this morning when I told her I'd given the Professor his wand back but when she found out she couldn't prise it from his fingers without him getting agitated she did, eventually, grudgingly, agree to let him keep it. We were sat down drinking tea while she read my notes from the last twenty four hours and sampled my latest creation, a burnt orange and cinnamon drizzle cake, when the screaming started.

I got to the Professors room before Madame P and found him writhing on the bed, a look of pure agony on his face. He was mumbling as I tried to rush to his side but she stopped me again just like in the infirmary. We watched as he stopped moving for a moment then I heard her gasp as he seemed to be offering forgiveness through a huge amount of pain. 'I failed you my Lord I apologise.' And then the torture started again.

The hallucinations have started. Madame P says he's reliving the cruciatus curse He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named inflicted on him and the only thing to be grateful for is that he won't suffer the after affects this time as it's only a memory of the pain and not the spell itself he's experiencing. They've told me not to interfere or interact unless I think he's going to hurt me but it's so hard just to stand there and watch.

I saw him tortured three times today, who does that to someone whose supposed to be on the same side. But I did what they asked, I kept away until it was over then I washed his sweat drenched body, changed his clothes and sat with him until he was as still as a corpse again.

It's now gone midnight and he's finally settled after the third episode, this one was different from the other two, he didn't talk, didn't offer an explanation or apology, his mouth was clamped together, his lips going white with the pressure. He seemed determined just to survive. And afterwards, before he slipped back into oblivion, he seemed determined to dig something out of his left forearm. I had to stop him when he started to draw blood, I couldn't watch him claw at his skin. Grabbing his wrists like I did with Mitsy didn't seem to work, he just fought me so instead I put my hand over the offending skin. Strangely it wasn't cold anymore but burning hot. The only thing I could think of was burn cream, I massaged it into the area which seemed to bring him some relief. He opened his eyes for a minute, whispered Lily's name and then became still again.

I don't know if I can be strong enough for him, he deserves someone who knows what they're doing ... But the Headmaster says that's not possible, there's too many people who don't understand him! I just hope I don't damage him anymore then everyone else already has.

14th September

Madame P let me escape today, she said I was starting to look as pale as the Professor and needed some fresh air. It felt weird being outside again. I was glad I'd grabbed the green cloak from the hall on my way out, I'd forgotten how cruel the Scottish wind could be even when the sun's out. As I wrapped it around me and headed towards the edge of the forest I got a hint of the Professor walking with me. I tried my best to remember everything I saw so I could tell him about it when I got back. I kept out of the way of the popular part of the grounds in case anyone saw me, I don't know if the Headmaster has said anything about where I've gone and I didn't want to cause him any more trouble by being seen somewhere I shouldn't be.

It felt a bit like being home, without the baking sun, as I wandered through the autumn meadow grass picking wild flowers, for a few minutes I was young and carefree again. But then his scent called me back again, it didn't feel ... right knowing someone else was looking after him, stupid I know after such a short time!

Arms full I hurried back to the castle, through a hidden teachers passage that led to the dungeons. As soon as I entered the Professors rooms I knew something was wrong. As his moans echoed I tossed his cloak towards the peg and rushed into the lounge. Madame P was stood in the middle of the room frowning in frustration towards his bedroom. She seemed almost relieved to see me. When I asked if he was having a hallucination she just looked sad and said he'd been restless almost since I'd been gone. I pressed the flowers into her agitated hands and walked to his room. His bed sheets were in disarray and his hair was mussed but at least in here his moans were quieter. I checked to make sure his wand was still clutched in his fingers and lightly brushed his hair away from his face. Crossing to the chest of drawers I switched on the wireless to a soothing station and used a match to light the lavender candle next to it. I'd stopped using magic around him unless I had to, it didn't seem fair that I could when he couldn't. I saw Madame P move to the doorway, my flowers still in her arms. I asked her to fill the vases in the lounge with water and bring them to me and it's only now that I'm writing this that I realise she did what I asked without arguing or asking why. I told the Professor all about my walk and as I described the flowers I'd picked I carefully arranged them and set one vase on the bedside table so that he could smell them. Then I sat in my chair and picked up our latest book. It was only when I felt Madame P's hand squeeze my shoulder gently did I notice the moaning had stopped and the bed was still again.

She asked me to walk her out and before she said goodbye she told me that she now knew the Headmaster had made the right choice because no one else could have affected Severus that way.

16th September

Or is it 17th? It's gone midnight and Minevra has only just left. My head is throbbing, my eyes are red and my heart hurts. I met the Snape family today and I'm not embarrassed to admit that I sobbed for what seemed like hours in her arms as I told her what I've seen and heard.

I got out of the shower this morning to the sound of begging but the voice wasn't the Professors, it was the sound of a small boy in pain. Still wet and wrapped in my towel I ran into his room find him curled in the corner flinching, his palms held up high as if protecting his face. It took all my strength not to gather him up in my arms and fight his battle for him. It was soul destroying seeing such an imposing man reduced to the appearance of an abused child. By the time the devil faded he was in a fetal position, dry sobs of hysteria racking his body as he tried to make himself as small as possible.

But before I could get him back to the bed he seemed to be gripped by another memory only he could see. This time he appeared older and was pleading his mother to get up before 'the drunk' came back, he wanted her to use magic to heal her wounds and tried to convince her to pack a bag so they could leave.

The hallucinations started coming one after another, one had barely finished before the next one started and I was starting to shiver as I tried not to bring attention to myself crouching in the doorway. I ended up grabbing a pair of the professors boxer shorts and his quidditch sweater from his drawers and struggled into them as I watched his violent childhood play out before my eyes.

I've no idea how long I sat on the floor and a lot of the time it was hard to know what I was seeing as I was only getting the Professors side. But there was a lot of begging and virtual pain, there seemed to be times even when he was in his small child persona that he protected his mother at a physical cost to himself. The siege on his mind seemed to finally end with two very different reenactments, the first included the Headmaster who had the task of telling a teenager that his father had killed his mother and the second was a nameless person advising that his father had been killed in a muggle prison. During both one sided conversations his stoic mask never slipped although there was an undeniable flicker of relief tinged with regret when he heard about his mothers murder but the coldness in his adult voice portrayed nothing but contempt for his father as he told the invisible official the man was nothing to him and they could bury him wherever they saw fit.

And just as suddenly as the visions started they were gone again and he collapsed in a catatonic heap.

Or so I thought.

I drew my wand and moved cautiously forward planning on levitating him back to the bed but as I bent down his eyes snapped open, it felt like they were staring straight into me. He grabbed my forearms firmly, making me stand with him. There was no sign of his previous pain or distress instead the commanding adult was back but his silky voice sounded odd as he asked me over and over again why. Why did I never protect him? Why did I never leave? Why didn't I use my magic to stop him? Why did I allow the drunk to hurt him for all those years? What sort of mother hides behind her child from her violent husband and never does the same?

I never said a word, what could I say? These demons could never be slain. Once again I just had to wait and let things play out, trying not to react to his heart breaking probing.

Finally drained he dropped his hands from my arms, his eyes glazed over again and he stumbled towards his bed, collapsed onto the mattress and became comatose again.

I'm glad that he could could escape from what he's just been through but I couldn't. I really wanted to run away but settled for a second shower instead. I scrubbed at my skin until it became red raw, the Professor had looked at me and seen his poor excuse for a mother. I felt ...unclean.

While he slept I spent the day in a cleaning and cooking frenzy just so I didn't have to think about that scared little boy, angry teenager or the haunted look in the professors eyes as he asked why.

I was surrounded by a mountain of food and no idea what to do with it by the time Mitsy popped in with our clean laundry. I think she thought I was having a bit of a breakdown because after wringing her hands and pulling at her ears a lot she disappeared and brought Minevra back with her.

I think she's a bit like what I imagine having a real mum would be, she scolded me for not asking for help, she bustled about tidying up the mess I'd made in the kitchen, she held me while I sobbed, she listened, she drew me a bath and I think, if I'd let her, she'd have tucked me into bed!

None of it's changed what I've heard and seen today but knowing people care makes it easier ...

17th September

Minevra's been acting weird tonight. I asked her and Poppy to stay for dinner since I've got all this food under a stasis charm and my 'room mate' isn't up to eating yet!

We were sat round the table just finishing dessert when the Professor started talking. He'd been quiet most of the day apart from the occasional 'mud blood' outburst followed by beseeching apologies to Lily. I'd become used to his episodes now but this was Minevra's first time. As always I stood just inside the doorway and watched but I was very conscious of the two older women behind me, somehow, somewhere in the past couple of weeks their opinions of me have become very important.

I watched curiously as he repeated over and over a list of instructions, 'touch the knot with a branch, crawl inside the tree, follow the tunnel, find Lupins secret.' I heard Minevra take a deep intake of breath and saw Poppy give her a sharp look out of the corner of my eye. I turned my attention back to the Professor, his breathing was laboured as if he was physically working hard but he looked like he was going to stay in bed this time so I could relax a bit. Some hallucinations were verbal but others seemed to animate him and I'd have to make sure he was safe without interfering - not an easy thing when you have no idea what he's seeing and hearing!

He stopped chanting his mantra and there was an eerie silence before he started to whisper 'werewolf' with panic in his voice. Then there was a surprised shout of 'let go' followed by a stream of hexes and finally several angry yells of 'Potter' before everything went quiet again.

I straightened his bed sheets and wiped the sweat from his forehead before going back to the lounge, Poppy joined me at the table but Minevra looked pale, made her excuses and left. Something about tonight bothered her and Poppy didn't know what.

I think I might have an early ...

It's after 11 pm now and Minevra's just left, she came back while I was writing earlier to apologise for her abrupt departure and to tell me a story of five boys called Potter, Black, Lupin, Pettigrew and Snape. Four Gryffindors known as The Marauders and one Slytherin. They hated each other from the moment they met on the train and the bitter rivalry was made worse when they were sorted into opposing houses. But one of the Gryffindors had a secret, he was a werewolf. The Headmaster risked everything by letting him come to Hogwarts and every month he was hidden away so no-one would know. But his friends found out and Snape suspected. So one night Black told Snape how to get to where Lupin was hidden and the Slytherin was stupid enough to go! He caught a glimpse of the wolf before one of the other Marauders, Potter, pulled him back. Thinking they were all in on it Snape reported them to the Headmaster expecting them to be expelled but was bitterly disappointed. According to Minevra, Dumbledore considers the greater good for most choices he makes and believes in the power of second chances. The Black boy got off very lightly and Snape took it badly especially when they insisted he swear to secrecy about the lycanthropy. Minevra confessed to feeling very guilty ever since and wished that she'd insisted on more severe consequences. She strongly believes that they sent the Slytherin further down the path of darkness that night because he felt betrayed by the Headmasters housist attitude.

I wanted to make her feel better but I had no idea what to say. All I see is how everything affects the Professor and I guess it gives me a skewed version of things. I know there's always two sides to a story and they don't always add up but down in the dungeons, trapped in a nightmare of his own memories he seems the injured party to me.

In the end I suggested that maybe she was saying sorry to the wrong person.

When she left Minevra told me that the greater good has a lot to answer for. I don't think I can really argue with her.

20th September

Knowing how the Professor feels about Lily I'm surprised about how long it's taken her to appear but today she did, I'm hoping that means he's finally feeling happy. I watched his expressions throughout the day, his features softened and he even occasionally smiled. Compared to the drama of the other episodes today was relaxed, mundane even. I saw them meet, watched their friendship grow and after seeing the Professors photos I could picture them in my mind. But I left them alone a lot, I felt like I was intruding on something personal, I even turned off the amplifying spell, I knew he wouldn't need me today.

Every other memory I'd witnessed had caused him pain, I'm glad he had today, everyone needs happiness.

The only fly in the ointment was someone called Petunia. Minerva told me she was Lily's sister, a muggle, who now has Lily's son Harry. I get the impression that she didn't like the Professor and was jealous that he shared something with her sister that she couldn't. I hope she's grown up enough not to take out her feelings on her nephew.

24th September

I knew it couldn't last forever, the past few days have been very uneventful because he's been happy with Lily but this morning everything changed. Even without the amplifying spell I heard the 'mudblood' insult hurled loud and clear. And the unwanted apologies became almost too much for me to see, the Professor took on the appearance of a broken man. Throughout the whole day the same situation played out continuously on a loop, I watched their friendship destroyed over and over again.

I thought I'd be relieved when it finally ended but what came after was worse. I think I've just seen him pledge allegiance to Voldemort and take the dark mark.

27th September

I had to stop the Professor with magic for the first time today. He lived through his violent childhood again today, no matter how many times I see what happened I can't comprehend how someone could hate that much or have so much apathy for an innocent child in their care. But this time I was his father not his mother. At first he was cold and detached as he confronted the man who had destroyed his childhood but when he didn't like the answers he 'heard' from my silent mouth he became angry, bitter and aggressive. Luckily my wand was quicker than his fist.

29th September

Why is it that most nights I end up crying on Minevra or Poppy's shoulder? How can one man's life be so devastating! Today he begged two powerful wizards to save the life of the woman he loves, the first humiliated and tortured him for daring to ask and the other agreed as long as he could place him in mortal danger every day.

No wonder he's so angry all the time!

It's weird - I get the impression no one on the dark side trusts each other but I suppose it's no wonder when he rules with tyranny, it's hard to respect someone who relies on his followers being afraid of him, but I suppose he must have been different once, charismatic even, to have got followers in the first place. The death eaters seem to be either power hungry deviants, old families with pure blood mania or just plain psychotic, which does make me wonder how the Professor got sucked into it all as he doesn't seem to fit any of those?

I think I met the most psychotic of them all today, Minevra said her name is Bellatrix LaStrange and she's in Azkaban now. She sounds a right b*tch. She tormented the Professor today, she followed him after Voldemort tortured him for asking to spare Lily's life. She offered her own services to cure him of his mudblood loving ways, even through his obvious pain from the cruciatus curse his put down was silky but brutal, yet it didn't phase her. She then volunteered her fair sister as an alternative but once again he refused as the woman was married to his friend. Unashamed she continued taunting him over his love of redhead mudbloods before finally producing a parade of muggle teenage prisoners for him to take his pick. Even in his hallucination I could see him struggling to try and hide his disgust as he stepped forward to the invisible woman and threatened in a menacing tone to reveal a certain predilection that went directly against the dark lords orders. I hope for his sake the flicker of relief I saw as the memory faded away wasn't seen by anyone when the real confrontation came to an end.

I don't know if he always tried to avoid something called 'muggle raids' and 'muggle baiting' or whether it was just after he swapped sides but I've seen lots of snippets of him being goaded, insulted and ridiculed over his lack of participation. But he always seemed to come out on top of these confrontations, his sneering disdain shooting down his accusers by cleverly implying his unique potions talents were far more necessary to the dark lord than their mindless missions.

I know the Professors done terrible things but as the days go on I can't help but admire him - I'm beginning to wonder what that says about me?!

2nd October

The last couple of days have been different, I've seen yet another side of the Professor. He's still sarcastic and brittle but he's made me smile! I don't know whether it's because it's been the weekend and Poppy and Minevra have spend a lot of time with me but he's been reliving his time with them, maybe hearing their distinctive voices around him have made the memories resurface.

He and Minevra gamble - I don't think I ever expected it of either of them - they'll place a bet on most things, especially where Slytherin and Gryffindor are in competition, Quidditch, the house cup, gobstones, exam results ... Much to Minevra's embarrassment she admitted she pays far more to the Professor than he pays to her!

I think, despite how guilty she feels about the werewolf incident, they both respect each other a lot. I caught her playing along with his hallucinations yesterday afternoon, turns out it was a heated debate between the two of them in the staff room last year that rumbled on for hours. She remembered the whole exchange pretty much word for word, anyone taking a casual look at the two of them would think a genuine battle of words was going on between them.

Poppy came across as more of a mother figure, he seemed to come to trust her quite early on as a young student and the present day Medi witch had tears in her eyes as he relived quietly confessing to her what had happened over various school holidays. But the one that really got me was when he went to say goodbye at the end of one school year and asked for some bruise cream to take home to his mum. After everything that woman put him through and he still thought about healing her, she was a bloody witch she could have whipped up a bruise cream in minutes to heal her own child but she didn't care enough too!

Since the professor seemed so at ease I took the chance to sneak out for a bit. It was so nice to see a real sky, even if it's was a weird greying purple colour and feel the cold wind blow through my curls. I ended up by Hagrids vegetable patch and we got to talking, turns out he knows all about why I'm hidden away in the dungeons and what's wrong with the Professor, listening to him talk he's the Headmasters biggest fan. I'm still not sure how I feel about Albus Dumbledore, I've only seen him briefly a few times since the Professors accident and the more I experience him through his potion masters eyes the more wary I become.

Hagrid offered me some vegetables to take back with me, seems Poppy and Minevra have been bragging about my cooking, which is why the Professors quarters now smell like Christmas as my beetroot chutney simmers. While he was digging he sent me round the side of his hut for some sacks which is when I found a beast of a motorbike under a tarpaulin. Moped's are a really popular way to get around in my Dads muggle part of Greece and in my wild teens after he'd died I'd convince the older boys to let me have a go on their faster bikes. After being cooped up for so long the idea of going for a high speed ride on a powerful machine was very appealing. Hagrid was reluctant to talk about the bike at first, said it wasn't really his, that it didn't belong to anyone anymore, that he'd tried to forget it was there. But I think I wore him down in the end, he said he'd gas it up for the next time I needed to feel free again and in return I promised to stock his larder, he's sending onions over in the next few days for pickling.

When I got back the two of them had made themselves at home and were brewing tea while raiding my cake tin. I'm really not sure how the Professors going to feel when he sees how comfortable the older women were in his quarters, oh well I guess it'll be just another thing for him to get angry at me about. Poppy was reminiscing with frustrated affection about how annoyed and irritated the young spy was at her fussing. It turns out the Headmaster had the ability to redirect the port key the Professor used to return him to the castle after every death eater encounter. Instead of taking him to the solitude of his quarters as it was spelled to do, he always landed in a private room off the infirmary office which brought Poppy instantly to his side. No matter in what terrible condition he returned he would always fight his care, trying to not to dwell on his tortured appearance Poppy regaled us with the extreme measures he would go to, to escape the hospital wing.

It's nice to hear other people talking about him with affection, I just wonder if he knows anyone cares about him!

5th October

Lily Potter was murdered today. Even without his magic the power of his grief and the pain of his loss ripped through the underground rooms. The screams were raw and feral, but the silent crying was worse, it was agony to watch but the worst was hearing him insist that the Headmaster never tell anyone why he was still protecting her son.

7th October

The Headmaster has only been down to the Professors quarters once since he brought me here a month ago, Minevra says that Poppy gives him regular reports on the professors progress or lack of it! I know he's a busy man and that he has more responsibilities within the ministry of magic than just being a Headmaster but I thought he might be more interested in how he was getting on. I almost think he's worried about what he'll see, he seemed relieved last time that the Professor was quiet and just asleep but this time he was back to being that small beaten child again. He keeps coming back to this more than anything else as if he thinks he deserves to be abused, to suffer over and over again at the hands of his parents.

I think I felt sorry for the Headmaster, he looked pale and miserable as he watched his spy act like a terrified child, the man aged before my eyes. I don't think he knew about my amplification spell because I'm sure he never meant for me to hear his whispered apology when I left them alone.

10th October

Headmaster Dumbledore should never have come to see the Professor, he was right to stay away. It's as if sensed the older mans power in the room. He's been consumed by memories, hallucinations, I'm not sure I even know the difference now, that are centered around their complex relationship. The intensity of the last few days have exhausted me. Previously seen episodes mixed with new visions, he relived begging for Lily's life in return for becoming a spy, the triumphant way he served up the marauders and the crushing blow he felt when the Headmaster protected them, Lily's death and his agreement to protect her son mixed with what seemed to be memories of meetings between the two where they planned the lies and misdirections they would feed Voldemort and heated discussions over his hatred of his new career. I became the Headmaster too at one point, he pinned me down with his dark stare and pointed his wand towards my forehead. I knew this wasn't a memory but another conversation he wished he'd had. The difference was becoming easier to recognise now. He asked in a bitter voice why he had mattered so little compared to the precious Gryffindors, he demanded to know if the Headmaster would finally admit that he was wrong when he took the marauders side all those years ago and accused the older man of all but casting the curse himself that killed Lily by giving the Gryffindor a second chance, a chance and opportunity to betray the Potters and reveal their hiding place to the dark lord.

Then there was a long silence which I think the imaginary Headmaster was filling with either justifications or excuses. Then the professor lowered his wand and his face crumbled. Whatever inaudible words he spoke the younger man agreed with, he admitted that without him the dark lord would never have known about the prophecy, Black wouldn't have been able to betray the Potters and Lily wouldn't have been killed. But as it was the Professors own mind filling in the unspoken side of the conversation I don't know if these were words the Headmaster had uttered before or if this was his minds way of perpetuating and reinforcing his own guilt.

12th October

The last few days have made me morbidly curious about the Potters and Voldemort. There's only three types of books missing from the Professors shelves, romances, cookery and anything to do with the war. I've convinced Minevra to get me some from the library but she's not happy about it and she's made me promise to have them back where they belong before he wakes up. She's brought me a wide selection, ever the teacher she wants me to make up my own mind, but she refuses to discuss it with me, she says everyone went through their own personal hell and they all worked too hard to bury it to talk about it now, so really the complete opposite to everything my mother believes!

14th October

I've read them all, the dry factual ones, the emotional personal accounts, the biographies of the Potters, the court reports of the aftermath and even the ones written by the pure blood supporters. It was so difficult to stop myself reading them out loud to the Professor, I wonder if he's missing my voice? He seems to be back to reliving his happy times with Lily again so I don't feel so bad about leaving him - three's a crowd!

I wish I could talk to him though or at least the man I imagine him in my mind to be, Poppy's as against it as Minevra and Mitsy just pulls at her ears and tells me I've no business messing about in the past. I recognise a lot of the convicted death eater names from the Professors memories but several books about the Potters have mentioned someone called Sirius Black, I think I should know who he is but I don't know why. He was supposed to be a friend of the Potters but is now in Azkaban for betraying them, they say he was sentenced without a trial. I'm not sure how I feel about that?

15th October

It's all so sad, I've been thinking about the Potters again, it's hard not to when the Professor keeps calling Lily's name, to die like that was very brave but very cruel. I wonder what little Harry looks like, what he thinks about his parents and the magical world that believes he's the chosen one, the-boy-who-lived. If it was me I think I may even hate Magic a little bit. I suppose it's a question every one wants the answer to but how did a baby kill the most evil wizard of all time?

I asked Mitsy to take the books back, I don't want to think about it any more. I'm finally glad we were so far away and our island had nothing to do with the war, I know people sought refuge but talk of the outside world was frowned upon. I guess I understand why Poppy and Minevra want to forget, to not be able to trust your own family or close friends must have been horrible. I know who Sirius Black is now, he was James Potters friend, Minevra mentioned his name when she confessed her guilt over the werewolf incident involving the Professor. He may have been a Gryffindor but he came from a long line of pure blood Slytherins. The Headmaster was the chief warlock of the wizengamot who sent Black down without a trial, I wonder if that's what the Professor meant the other day when he accused Dumbledore of helping to kill Lily, did he believe that if Black had been expelled back when they were in school that he wouldn't have been close enough to the Potters to betray them? And did the Headmaster bypass a trial because he knew from previous experience Black was more than capable of betraying a friend, after all hadn't he done that years ago with his friends secret just to humiliate a rival student, regardless of the consequences to everyone involved.

No wonder the Professor felt bitter and Minevra guilty, I wonder how the Headmaster sleeps at night?

16th October 1am

Something strange has just happened, I've just watched the Professor experience another hallucination but this one's different, it felt deeper, more personal, more important than any of the others. I know it's something real, it's got very easy to tell the difference now between something that has happened and something he wished he'd done but maybe more private would be the best way to describe it. It started with what sounded like a conversation between the Headmaster and the Professor but it wasn't the sort of business like exchange they normally had, the Professors voice sounded hesitate but hopeful, full of emotion instead of his usual bored but silky monotone. He asked the older man several times if he was sure, then if Potter knew and finally if he thought she was ready to forgive him.

16th October 11pm

I asked Minevra tonight if the Professor had ever had chance to make it up with Lily before she died, at first she was reluctant to talk about it but then she admitted they'd met a handful of times after the Potters went into hiding. They'd meet in the Headmasters office, just the two of them. It was Lily's idea, she wanted to look the Professor in the eye and make sure he was telling the truth, she said she'd always been able to tell if he was lying. She was heavily pregnant when they met again and this time she went into labour while they talked, the Professor fetched Poppy and the next time they met their were three of them, the baby was only few months old.

I said that it was nice she'd forgiven him and that they'd made friends before she died but Minevra told me it wasn't that simple. After everything the Professor had done to protect her family she was finally trusting him again and they were slowly on their way back to becoming familiar with each other but she was murdered before she'd reached forgiveness.

Things were getting worse in the wizarding world, He-who-must-not-be-named was taking control, people were dying, no-one trusted anyone, the search for the Potters had intensified and the Professor's spying was getting more treacherous. The Headmaster said it wasn't safe to carry on so the last time they met was just after Harry turned one and Lily made the Professor promise he would take care of Harry no matter what.

I guess that's why he's so hung up on the idea of her forgiving him, to be so close and then have the chance taken away. It's no wonder he's so miserable the whole time, he's never going to get his happy ending.

18th October

Merlin, who'd have thought the Professor could kiss like that. He confessed his love then his lips did things I've never felt before ... I'm not stupid, despite what Poppy and Minevra have just said, I know it was one of his 'I wish' hallucinations and he thought I was Lily but WOW!

It's like having two extra mothers sometimes, they seemed to know the moment they came in that something intimate had happened. I'm glad they weren't able to stay too long, the Headmaster had called a staff meeting about plans for the Halloween feast so they had to go but it didn't stop them reminding me I was dealing with a potentially dangerous and emotionally unavailable recluse, not a nice man to inspire romantic ideas.

It's easy for them to say, they're not the ones stuck down here all day, but deep down I know they're right. The professor I've imagined him to be from his memories has no bearing on the severe man they all know. But then again who knows him best? I've seen beneath the hard exterior he chooses to show everyone else - is he a Mr Rochester, Mr Darcy, Heathcliff or the Phantom!

And even if he isn't nice now perhaps he just needs someone to understand him...

Arrrgghhhh and maybe I just need the company of a conscious man but at least my dreams will be interesting tonight...

21st October

The last few days have been so chaotic, his memories coming thick and fast in a jumbled mess flicking between childhood violence to snatches of happiness with Lily, conflict with the marauders and the agony of taking the dark mark. I watched him deliver a a half heard prophecy to his dark lord, then beg of Lily's life when he realised what his master thought it meant. I saw him prostrate himself before the man he believed betrayed him and offer his own life in return for the safety of the woman he loves, her despised husband and unborn child. There was the total devastation when he found out it was all for nothing mixed with grumblings about dunderhead students and triumphant goading when he won a bet against the conniving cat.

Both Poppy and Professor Slughorn think he's getting close to surfacing. I think they may be right, everything's starting to feeling different now and if I'm honest I'm not really sure I'm ready to loose the man I think the Professor could be and deal with the man everyone else is sure he is.