Brooke laid awake in bed, hundreds of things racing through her head. She turned over to see that it was only showing 1AM. It seemed like she'd been lying there for so much longer. Rachel was in the bed beside her snoring. Brooke had a theory that whatever nose job she'd had done had screwed some things up. After imagining what Rachel had looked like being fat with a bad nose for a few minutes, then imagining what Peyton would look like fat with a big nose, her thoughts again moved to Lucas. He'd been on her mind all night. Well, not so much him as what he'd said to her earlier. "Just so you know, you were always my girl". What could he have meant by that? Did he mean she was always his girl, but wasn't anymore? Did he mean he still loved her and she'd always be his? Why did boys have to be so confusing? What she really needed now was a letter. One of his letters. The beautifully written ones full quotes and hope and everything a girl wanted to here. She loved his letters more than anything and missed them. The way he always started off by calling her "Pretty Girl" and then added some profound quote. She tried to imagine what a love letter from him right now would say, a perfect love letter.
Pretty Girl,
"Love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves, and not to twist them to fit our own image... otherwise we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them."
This is why I love you and not Peyton. Because if I loved Peyton it would be like loving me, since she's the exact same as me. She never argues which is boring. I even stole her hair color/style. I love you because you disagree with me and you aren't boring and we have hott sex.
Ok. So a letter from Lucas would never actually sound quite like that, but it was what she wanted to hear. Why was this so hard for her? Why couldn't she just accept the fact that they were finished and she had to move on? That's when the denial set in. The more she thought about it, the easier it was just to blame him. It was his fault she couldn't move on. He was the one who kept telling her these profound sentences that could have 100 different meanings. He was definitely going to make a good writer one day. The rich kind who wrote those 1000 pages novels that no one ever truly understands. This was when things got really bad. Bring the words "rich" and "Lucas" into a sentence and she was already picturing herself as his wife in their big house with all their cars, and maybe a kid or two. They could totally be a super couple like Brad and Jen, only minus the Angelina (Aka Peyton). Ok, so maybe that wasn't the best example, but hey. She liked to think that as Lucas aged he'd look more and more like Brad Pitt. Now she was rambling. Her mind was completely racing and she was starting to get a headache.
The next thing she knew, she was downstairs, sitting on the porch watching the snowfall. She'd never really been one for snow, but tonight it seemed pretty. The way it covered up all the ugly and made everything seem pretty and new again. Sure, it'd just melt away and reveal all the ugly dead grass, but for now, even for just a little while, it seemed perfect.
She knew she was pathetic when even snow was reminding her of her and Lucas' relationship. They hadn't even ever had sex in the snow, and yet here she was analyzing it all. Why couldn't she just be a fat slut like Rachel? Or a stupid prude like Haley? They were both happy. They both had semi healthy relationships. (And yes, she had considered Cooper and Rachel a healthy relationship, I mean after all. He was Hot Uncle Cooper)
It was just then, she knew she was going crazy. She could have sworn she saw Lucas lying out in the snow at the side of the hotel. First thing on her list when she got back to Tree Hill, find a therapist. She didn't exactly have on the best pajamas for the snow, but she decided that her Uggs and coat would suffice long enough for her to walk out and see if she was really going crazy, luckily, she wasn't.
"Wow, and I thought I had issues" Brooke sighed, standing over Lucas, blocking the snow from hitting him.
"You've never done this?"
"Laid in ice?"
"Watched the snow fall" Lucas laughed patting the snow beside him. He'd come out there so that he could be alone and think, but it might be nice to have someone out there with him. Especially if that someone was Brooke.
"Not from the ground, aren't you freezing?"
"Its not bad when you don't think about it"
"How's Peyton?" Brooke finally asked, caving to the peer pressure and lying down in the snow next to him. She tried to act normal, but in reality her whole body was tingling. It was so weird to be lying so close to Lucas like that again.
"Sleeping. What are you doing up anyway?"
"Couldn't sleep"
"Me either. Its nice just to come out here in the quiet and think" Lucas smiled, turning his head in the snow to face her.
"About what?"
"I don't know. College next year, my mom and the baby, Peyton, you, whatever comes to mind"
"Me? I better be dressed in these thoughts" Brooke giggled a little, wiping some snow from her eyelids.
"You are… Sometimes"
"Lucas!"
"I'm kidding. I used to lay out on my porch like this though when I'd write your letters" Lucas said, changing the subject a little. He didn't want things to get awkward, not like they had earlier today. He liked having her out there with him. She made the mood so light and easy.
"Really? I'd write mine in the bath tub"
"Don't tell me that"
"Was it hard? Just to suddenly stop writing them?" Brooke asked. She'd been wondering it for a while. When she had stopped writing his letters it had almost killed her. She'd agonized over it for days before she finally decided it was stupid to keep writing love letters she was never going to send.
"Who says I stopped?"
"Right, Peyton. Sorry"
"Peyton doesn't get letters. I still write yours" Lucas sighed. He hadn't really planned on ever telling her this. In fact, he hadn't told anyone this. It probably wouldn't look too good on his part if he was still writing love letters to Brooke while dating Peyton. Not that they were so much "love letters" anymore, so much as just his thoughts and feelings. Things he used to tell her all the time before everything got so complicated.
"Really? Why?"
"I don't know. I mean I didn't plan on keeping them going, but I was just so used to writing one every week, plus I still had a lot to say to you"
"You could have just told me in person" Brooke was trying hard to get what these letters said out of him. But she knew exactly what he meant. It was the same reason she'd written him letters all last summer and never sent them.
"Says the person who handed he a box of 82 letters full of stuff she didn't say in person"
"Yea"
"I don't know. Some stuff I just needed to get out, whether you read it or not" The awkward moment Lucas had tried so hard to avoid had finally happened. And, as usual it was his fault. He watched her as she lay there for a minute, staring up at the falling snow. Seeing her lie there like that, so quiet and sad looking reminded him why loosing her had hurt so bad. He wondered if maybe it was him, maybe he just wanted what he couldn't have. Maybe it'd be the same way with Peyton if they ever broke up. After all, it seemed like the only time he ever had any interest in her was when he wasn't with her. He tried to think back to the last time his heart had ached for Peyton the way it was for Brooke now. He couldn't remember.
"Yea. Well I better get going. Its after curfew" Brooke finally said, not able to stand the awkward silence much longer. Only two things ever came after awkward silences for them. A fight or sex. And since she didn't want to fight with him anymore, and since sex definitely wasn't happening, she decided she'd be the one to throw in the towel for tonight.
"Right…"
Lucas watched her as she started to walk, and saw her slipping away all over again. They'd finally gotten to a point where they weren't ready to kill the other one, and now he was loosing her, and he wasn't ready for that. So, in a desperate attempt to keep her out there with him, he threw the snowball.
"Ah! Lucas Scott!"
"Accident, I swear"
"Really?" Brooke whined, looking down at her now icy wet pajama sleeve. For a minute she was ready to stomp off mad to her room she was so cold, then she changed her mind. Two could play at this game.
"Of cour-"
"Accident, I swear"
Neither Brooke or Lucas were sure exactly what time they had started the snowball fight, but there was no question about what time it had ended. They'd spent a good amount of time pounding each other with cold wet snow, hiding behind trees; shoving huge hand fulls down the other ones shirts and in each others hair. It was the first real fun either had had on the whole trip. Brooke wasn't sure they would have ever stopped if it hadn't been for what had happened next.
"Completely un-acceptable!" Whitey yelled, inside the lobby where he and Mr. Chavez had sat Brooke and Lucas down after they had busted them. Both Brooke and Lucas were shivering from their wet clothes, praying the lecture would end before they caught frostbite.
"Do you two realize what kind of damage you could have caused? How many people you could have woken up? It un-acceptable behavior from two high school seniors. Especially from our class president!"
"Sorry"
"The two of you will be punished"
"For having a snowball fight?" Lucas asked, deciding that this punishment was a little too harsh for something as harmless as throwing snow. He'd realized about 1/3 a way through the lecture that it wasn't the fact they had been out after curfew that Chavez had a problem with. It was who had been out after curfew. Lucas could see the way that he was eyeing Brooke, basically lecturing her the entire time, not bothering to look at him once. He could also see the fear and embarrassment behind Brooke's eyes. Something that he'd never seen with her before.
"For being out after curfew and waking an entire lodge up!"
"I'm pretty sure you're the one waking everyone up"
"And for back talking!" Chavez yelled, finally acknowledging Lucas' presence.
"You deal with them" Whitey mumbled, giving Brooke and Lucas one last look before making his way towards the stairs.
"Now since the two of you seem to like the snow so much, you'll spend tomorrow on the ski slopes, helping out the Lodge"
"Skiing?" Brooke whined, dreading the thought. This was almost her worst nightmare, especially considering how cold she was at that very moment.
"While picking up trash"
Day 3Lucas woke up early the next morning to get ready for the day. Chavez had made it very clear that there would be serious consequences if he and Brooke weren't on time to start their punishment, and since Lucas didn't want to spend his entire trip cleaning up other people's trash, he was going to be there.
Since he'd gotten in so late last night, he still hadn't told Peyton what had happened. Really he didn't know what to tell her. Him having a snowball fight with Brooke at 2AM probably wasn't the best way to go. After all it was only one day, and she'd never have to find out the real reason why he was stuck out in the cold. So for now, for her own sake, he'd lie and hope it worked.
After getting dressed, he made his way down to Brooke and Peyton's room to make sure she was up and getting ready. He wasn't going to be stuck out on those slopes all alone, while she stayed warm in bed.
"Luke, what are you doing here?" Peyton yawned opening her eyes just wide enough to see Lucas walking over to her bedside.
"Chavez put me on trash duty today"
"What? What for?"
"Being out after curfew" Lucas said, hoping she wouldn't ask anymore questions. At this point he still wasn't lying, he just wasn't filling her in on all the details, and he really wanted to keep it that way.
"Luke… I thought we were going to spend the day together"
"We will! As soon as I get back"
"Ready?" Brooke interrupted, prancing out of the bathroom in her jet back ski coat, boots, and perfectly finished hair and make up. She looked more like someone who was modeling ski ware, then someone who was actually going to be using it.
"Wow, you're actually up"
"Are you kidding me? Chavez was banging on my door an hour ago making sure I didn't over sleep"
"Wait, so you both have trash duty?" Peyton asked, giving them both a confused look. Lucas could see that he was screwed now. He was going to have to explain everything to Peyton, and then deal with the repercussions later.
"I-uh"
"Yea, I mean you'd think the man would give me a break for just wanting something to drink! Ok, well I might have been trying to flirt with the night desk clerk but still. He's such a hard ass. What'd he get you for Lucas?"
"Oh, um. I was out on the porch reading so I didn't wake Nathan up" Lucas said, stumbling over his words. He just hoped they were enough to keep Peyton at ease.
"Anyway, at least you're not stuck picking up all the trash with Buddha Belly Whitey like I am"
"Right. Yea."
"Ok, well we better get going" Brooke sighed, grabbing her gloves and hat from the night table.
After sending Brooke and Lucas on their way, (not without a lengthy lecture about how they had both better come back with full bags of trash), Nick Chavez spent the next hour wondering what he had interrupted the night before. Ever since Brooke had broken up with him, he'd tried to keep a close eye on her. Watching who she was dating, interacting with, ect ect; and from what he could tell she was pretty anti boy, especially anti Lucas Scott. He wasn't sure of her entire high school history with boys, but he had noticed the awkwardness between Brooke and Lucas and wondered for a good time now what the real story was. He'd tried to find out through Brooke's friends, but since Rachel knew about their past, and Peyton and Brooke didn't seem to be speaking. He'd been kind of screwed in that department. Now it was time for plan B. Something he hadn't thought of before.
"Ms. Scott" Nick smiled, stopping Haley in the hallway on her way down to breakfast. Nick knew that Haley and Lucas were good friends from one of the papers Haley had written in his class and so he guessed she was the one to go to for information.
"Hey, Mr. Chavez"
"How are you today?"
"A little sore from skiing" Haley laughed as she tried to make it down the stairway, in the least awkward looking way as possible.
"I bet. It looks like you've been having a good time though, getting your mind off things
"Yea"
"So, can I ask you question?" Nick asked, deciding to jump right to the point.
"Um, sure?"
"Its just about Lucas"
"Yea" Haley agreed. She wasn't sure what it could be about but since Mr. Chavez did teach their writing and literature classes she thought it might be something about Lucas' writing.
"How long have you known him?"
"Since we were like 6, why?"
"Well, I've just been hearing some rumors about him and some female students and I just wanted to get some information from someone who knows the real him" Nick said, as calmly and nonchalant as possible to avoid any sort of suspicion.
"Yea, sure"
"He's dating Ms. Sawyer right?"
"Yea, for about a month now" Haley said, wondering what Lucas had done now. Ever since he had entered the world of girls he'd had a rough. Haley was pretty sure anything Mr. Chavez was going to bring up wasn't going to surprise her.
"And before that?"
"He was with Brooke"
"Davis?" Nick asked, making sure to clarify, since Brooke was a pretty common name in the high school.
"Yea, they had this whole drawn out pining for each other thing going on"
"About how long were they together?"
"Um, They dated for about 6 months but if you count the pining they did for each other it was over a year" Haley said, guessing she'd figured it up about right.
"And what happened?"
"Things got bad when Keith died and Lucas was having some problems. I think Brooke got scared she was going to get her heart broken again. What were the rumors?"
"We found Brooke and Lucas out past curfew last night and well, I just wanted to check and make sure they weren't doing anything they shouldn't have been" Nick said, deciding to be truthful about it, just incase Haley were to bring any of it up to Lucas or even another teacher.
"I wouldn't worry. Neither of them would go down that road. They were probably just talking or something"
"Thanks so much for your help Haley"
Brooke and Lucas spent what seemed like a lifetime cleaning up trash left on the ski slopes. But what Brooke had imagined a possibly fun day with Lucas, really hadn't been. He was really quiet, smiling occasionally as the she tried to start meaningless small talk about shoes and hair. She just wasn't sure where she was going wrong. This wasn't her usual Lucas, the Lucas who liked to argue with her about how pointless spending $100 on shoes was, or how the Spice Girls were never actually having a reunion tour. It was killing her not to have him give her his usual flirty smile.
Meanwhile Lucas had a lot on his mind. Stupid things really, but it was still bothering him how Brooke had covered for him like that this morning. It was just so, not Brooke. Usually she was saying anything to piss Peyton off or make her jealous just to get a rise out of her, and this morning had been the perfect opportunity, and yet she hadn't taken it. What did this mean? Was she finally moving on, and ok with him and Peyton?
"I never thanked you for lying to Peyton this morning" He finally said, deciding to see what she had to say about the matter. Maybe it would help give him some perspective on things.
"Lying? Who said I was lying? Maybe I was down there to flirt with the hot night clerk"
"You know what I mean"
"Hey, if I can help you two avoid a fight, then so be it. Ugh, it's freezing out here" Brooke shivered. She actually wasn't that cold, but the whole subject of Lucas and Peyton wasn't high on her list of things to talk about right now. The way she saw it, she'd done a nice thing this morning for Lucas. It had almost killed her not to rub it into Peyton's face about how she was getting ready to spend the day with Lucas, but after everything that had happened. She had just wanted to enjoy the day with Lucas, without him worrying what Peyton was thinking. Clearly her plan was backfiring.
"So, I didn't mean to make things weird last night with the letters"
"You didn't…ok maybe a little but I mean I get it Luke. I just don't want things to be weird for us. It was really hard when we were fighting and I know it was my fault, but I like us being friends now. As sad as it sounds, you and Rachel are basically all I have"
"Hey, its not your fault ok? You did what you had to do before things got bad. It hurt but it gets better every day. I like us being friends now too and I wouldn't trade it for anything" Lucas smiled. By now they had both stopped their trash round up and were facing each other, Lucas's hands on Brooke's shoulders. He needed her to know that he still cared. That their friendship was more important to him than anything. If the truth was known, probably more important than his whole relationship with Peyton.
"Me either"
"And I'm always here for you Brooke. I can kick some serious ass if I need too"
"Sure" Brooke giggled, imagining Lucas trying to kick someone's ass.
"I can"
"Like you did Felix?"
"He was hurting" Lucas laughed, basically giving up on being serious with this subject matter. It was just good to see Brooke laugh again.
"He was laughing"
"In pain…"
"Sure. But hey, I'm here for you too Luke" Brooke smiled, changing to a more serious tone. They both just stood there for a minute after that, lying to themselves and each other. Both in a deep denial about their friendship. They'd tried to be "friends" before. Tried being the keyword, but there were just some people in the word that are meant to be more than just friends. They could try, but end the end, Brooke Davis and Lucas Scott were meant to be All or Nothing. There was no in-between for people like Brooke and Lucas.
By the end of the day, Brooke's legs were so sore; Lucas had had to practically carry her up the steps to her room. All she could think about doing was crawling into her nice warm bed and sleeping. For the most part it had been a good day, the 2nd half much better than the first. It had almost been like old times with Lucas there for a while. It had been the kind of day that fooled you into thinking things were a lot different than they really were, but only for a little while.
Once they were back to the room, and Brooke saw Lucas kiss Peyton's cheek and help her out of bed to dinner, her fantasy was over. It was like breaking up with Lucas over and over again every time she was with him. Like some kind of evil reminder that it was her fault she wasn't with him anymore, and now she was paying for it.
She sat down on her bed too tired to even think, only to find a light blue envelope on her pillow with her name on it. It took her a minute to realize it was Lucas' handwriting, and then another few minutes to finally work up the courage to open it.
Pretty Girl,
Someone once asked me "How many moments in life can you point too and say, that's when it all changed?"
I can point to a lot of moments that changed my life over the past few years. Some good, like the second I hit the winning shot at play-offs. Some bad, like the moment I found out Keith had died. But none make me smile quite like I did, the moment I realized I was in love with you. It was a Friday night, somewhere around 11 on a beach in Tree Hill. I'd come back from Charleston to make things right with you and Peyton, to try and be friends with both of you. Then, as I made my way up to where you both were playing by the fire, there you were. That was the exact moment I knew I was in love with you, and I always would be.
"Love is not love which alters, when it alteration finds"
People seem to think that to be in love, you have to be "with" someone, that things like kissing and sex are what make "love". But even though we aren't "together", the way I feel about you hasn't changed, and probably never will. You were my first love, the first girl that I was ever proud to call mine, and I guess in a way I'll always see you as my Brooke. I'll always be jealous of the guys your with, and I'll always wonder what could have been. But the fact that we have found a way to be friends, even after everything we have been through together, after everything we have felt for each other, is proof in itself that, selfless true love does exist. No matter who I'm with, or where I'll go. You'll always be my pretty girl.
"What lies behind us, and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us".
by Ralph Waldo Emerson
-Lucas