Things fall to pieces, around me. Especially people. When you look like I do, or act like I do, or do what I do, that tends to happen. That's why I didn't go to the wedding at school. Or to club for a long time. I just spent my days working like I used to, getting the money to stay afloat. I've shut down my emotions for the time being, as with what little goodness in my life I have, I don't want to spoil it. Sometimes my days are spent stalking around town, taking the back roads and shortcuts and committing them to memory, just like school. That's when the mugger appeared.
"Give me all our money, or I'll gut you, freak!"
I watched the little man, with his little knife, reminded of how an animal cowers from a hunter, at the same time ready to strike in defense.
"No. Please go away if you don't want to get hurt."
"Hey, just give your money, and I won't have to hurt you."
The mugger's voice was deflating, starting to show fear to the beast. I started to feel excited, my blood pumping into a frenzy.
"How many people have you killed? I'll give you what you want if you tell me."
The mugger swallowed, eyes darting around for the escape routes he would need.
"I-I-I've killed 2 people, but it was an accident! They tried to run to the police, and I just had to stop them... Now please, I don't want to do that again. Just... give me you money."
I grinned, feeling the thing inside me purr with pleasure.
"You're not getting any."
He took a swipe at me with the knife, but left himself wide open, and the opportunity to grab and break his arm was present.
"Auuugh! Please, I'm sorry, don't hurt me."
"That's the same thing my sister told my mother. She didn't stop. I wonder if I should."
The man was sweating from fear, and pain, and he stared into the eyes of a monster. He whimpered, crying and sniveling like the rat he was.
"I don't have a right lung anymore, you know. It makes me wonder, what sound it made when it was stabbed, as I breathed in and out. And besides, this is what you wanted, right? Deep down, this is what everyone wants. To die."
I was still gritting my teeth in that terrible fashion, and found myself conflicted. One part of me relished in his pain, lapping it up like a dog with water. But the other was holding me back, keeping me from plunging the steel into his chest. What would Hitomi think?
"I'm letting you go now. If you ever do this again, or anything worse, I'll come back and take your face. And relax; I only dislocated your shoulder. Cross me again, and it'll be much slower and more painful."
I walked away, the bloodlust vanishing, and it hit me. What I just did was awful! Why did my mother break me so much? I scratched my face, nervous and at edge.
"Hey!"
I turned, and saw the girl that kicked me on the first day of school.
"You're the boy with the scars. What are you doing here?"
"I'm just walking around town. Why are you here?"
"I live here."
She pointed at the house behind her, a small thing, but a home, nonetheless.
"Do you want to come in to have some tea? I need to ask you some questions, about school."
I looked down at my feet, still wracked with guilt, over what I did.
"I don't think I have the ti-"
"Oh come on, this is important. Plus, all you're doing is walking, so you have plenty of time."
She pulled me inside, her extraordinary strength leaving me defenseless. I took off my shoes, and sat down at the table, the girl doing the same.
"You know, it's funny, I don't even know your name. I'm Tomoyo Sakagami, and you are?"
I must of looked nervous, because she adopted a stern expression, not unlike the one that Misae has.
"My name is Shugosha Miyano."
Tomoyo was giving me a piercing stare, looking like she was about to interrogate me.
"Where have you been? You're usually skulking around the school, trying to hide from the rest of students, but you've been gone for a whole week."
"I'm thinking of dropping out, to support my little sister."
Her gaze softened, with just a tinge of anger that remained"
"You have family problems, don't you? I could tell, because I've been there"
I let out a bitter chuckle, pointing at my face, then my chest.
"Have they ever taken your right lung and face? If the answer is no, then you don't know what I've gone through."
She remained passive, nodding slowly.
"You're probably right. But you let it define you. For that, you're going to suffer."
But I deserved what I got for not protecting who I was supposed to.
"What if I'm supposed to hurt? I mean, all I have to do is look in the mirror, and I have my answer."
"Then you're stupid. Most of all for telling yourself that. Nobody should hurt. Not for any reason in the world. If you think you'll get pity for punishing yourself, then prepare to be disappointed."
In spite of her statement, I felt happy. All of what she said was true. But what about if the damage was already done? I looked down at my hands, the weapons that were just ten minutes ago, ready to kill a human being.
"Tomoyo, you may be a little right. Sometimes, though, humanity creates a monster it cannot control. It shoots it down, with their guns and knives and clubs, and ignores the fact that it was a monster of their creation. This is a cycle that'll continue forever, until people try and stop it from happening."
I stood up to leave, taking one last look at the strongest girl in town.
"If you become successful in life, after school, do me a favor. If you can help it, don't let children get hurt by their parents. They'll just grow up twisted, sad creatures that don't know how anything but pain, and grow up to self-destruct and hurt others."
Tomoyo's eyes followed me out, filled with some semblance of sympathy.
"What's this I hear about not going to school?"
Misae was looking up at me, betrayal on her face.
"I couldn't stay. I was hurting others."
"The school told me you were the one that broke the mirrors. Is that why your hand is covered in bandages?"
She grabbed my hand and tore at the cloth, and once it was off, she ran to the bathroom. I could hear retching, and Misae returned, very pale.
"We're going to the hospital. Come on."
Once the receptionist took a look at my hand, she called a nurse to lead me to the emergency room.
"What did you do for the pain, and how did you disinfect it?"
I grimaced, remembering my screams as I poured sake on my hand.
"I drank myself into near numbness, and then I used alcohol."
Hitomi was holding Misae's hand, looking extremely worried for my sake. For her, I put on a happy face, trying to reassure her that I was ok. She was on the verge of tears, her face staring to scrunch up. We went into one of the rooms, the blinding white walls a bit unnerving. The nurse told us to stay, and went to get a doctor. Misae, sat down, tired and stressed.
"So what made you flip out in the bathroom?"
"I attacked a student on accident."
Her eyes widened, and she spoke in a clipped voice.
"Is that it? Did anything else happen to justify what you did?"
I continued to flex my broken hand, trying to open and close it, and I responded.
"I had a bit of a breakdown, and I lost myself for a moment."
Misae let out a long drawn out sigh. She stood up and held my good hand, looking me in the eyes.
"I've taken care of you and your sister for half a year, and you've grown to be sort of like a family to me. I wish I could convince you to feel the same way, but I know you still don't trust me much. That being said, believe me when I say this: I won't let you destroy yourself. Even if I have to tie you up, you will NOT hurt yourself ever again. If you do this again, so help me, I will take Hitomi and kick you out. Got it?"
Before I could answer, the doctor walked in, ready to take a look at my hand.
"You lost your little finger, and partial use. I thought the doctor would of had to amputate the whole thing."
We were back in the dorm, my right hand in a plastic cast. I had disconnected myself from the world, moving to the back of my head, where nothing could bother me. At least, I tried, before Misae punched me on the shoulder, trying to get my attention.
"Stop spacing out. You need to work on what you'll say to the school office in explanation of your absence, and what you're going to tell the drama club."
"I can't help it. They literally pumped me full of morphine. I can't even think straight, my mind keeps fixating on pudding."
I felt a dizzy, so I fell sideways onto Misae's lap
"Is this what having a real mother feels like? I don't want to ever leave then."
It started to come out, first as a trickle, then a flood.
"I wished I could have had a real childhood. I used to watch the others eat ice cream and play soccer. It looked like so much fun, but I was stuck working. All I did was work, work, work, and work. All the time, I pretended I had parents that love me. I would day dream about it, imagining that when I went home, my mom and dad would both hug me."
"Everyone deserves that, Shugosha."
The delirium induced by the painkiller swung into full throttle, and I pouted like a little kid, growing sleepier by the second.
"I'm not part of everyone, apparently."
Misae leaned forward, giving me a hug in my awkward position.
"Now you are."
My eyelids were dropping, and my thoughts were swimming in happiness.
"I want to live good, like this, until I die. Could you just let me lay here, Misae? Just let me sleep..."
She looked so kind and loving. Could she be my mother now? Will... will she hurt me too? The question dogged me as I slid into my dreams.
Note: I'm getting a bit weary of trying to guess at how my writing is perceived by others. If anyone could leave a review, that would be awesome. Be sure to be honest, don't sugar coat the bad stuff. Bash me if you have to.