4: Calm Between The Storms

A week had passed since the arrival of the Normandy. For the first time in years, everything on the Citadel seemed at peace - it had been transported back to its rightful home in the Widow system. Its current state reminded me of the first time I had ever set foot on the station. The tall, towering pillars, the vast and vibrant greenery that lit up with the station's faux blue sky…the people meandering tranquilly about, colour once again filling their cheeks as if a dark and heavy weight had finally been lifted. It was more crowded than ever, and the collective energy of the Presidium was boisterous and elated. Families and couples sat together in the café throwing their heads back with loud laughs; others grouped up to conquer the bars in the lower wards, wooing and cheering as they danced with reckless abandon.

The Alliance was throwing an immense celebration in honor of the victory and of all the men and women who had fought in the Reaper war. It was a recognition of every single life that had been sacrificed, and every soul still breathing to tell the tale. I was requested to prepare a speech. I'd never done that before. Every compelling dialogue I had ever given to my crew had been the result of adrenaline and, truthfully, out of the awareness of an impending doom that we weren't sure we would survive. They were spur of the moment, raw and unrehearsed. I didn't have to think about it. Now I was forced to reflect on everything that had happened. Everything that we'd lost. Yes, everything that'd we'd won, as well, but – how could I possibly put any of that into words? I'd lived inside the eye of the hurricane for almost four years. Gone through hell and back a dozen times. The events that took place to lead to the end almost made the victory feel empty. I could try to pretend that I was happy and proud of what I'd done. But I wasn't.

We spent the entire morning preparing for the event. Everyone was rushing around; getting things in order, approving requests, finding important individuals, appeasing the Council. I used to scoff at the Council for completely disregarding me and the effort the incredible people in my team had achieved; but now I was glad we saved them in that first battle all those years ago, because they had been proven wrong. That in itself was a small, sweet victory.

Most of the crew were still just getting out of Huerta Memorial. Though none sustained any serious injuries, they had been completely isolated for a month and they needed to be sure of their overall well-being. Others who weren't serving on my ship any longer, like Jack, Wrex, Miranda, Grunt, and Samara, were en route to the Citadel to join us. After everything, that was the one thing I was secure enough about. I was more than ecstatic and relieved that everyone would finally be together again, even if it were only for a short while.

After things had quieted down, Garrus and I found ourselves granted with some time alone in the apartment. I was exhausted – I think everyone was, and probably would be for a while. Not just from the busy day, but from a busy past few years. Most of us just didn't know what to do with ourselves for the time being. We were so used to the constant pressure, the constant stress of the war that we still didn't know how to live any differently. It would take time to adjust. I knew tomorrow would be just as demanding, but I blocked the thought of it from my mind.

I collapsed on the sofa in the front room, tossing my shoes to the floor in a tiny liberation. In just seconds I could feel myself half dozing off, my head bobbing in little drowsy circles as I slowly rested it against the arm of the couch. I was brought back by the feeling of the cushion sinking at the weight of another body.

"Here," Garrus took my hand in his and wrapped it around the handle of a mug. I peered inside of it.

"Tea? Since when do you drink tea?" I questioned, cupping the mug and holding the earthy smelling steam beneath my face. The sweet aroma filled my nostrils and the heat flowed through me calmingly as I took a sip.

"Actually," Garrus began. "You can thank Liara for that. It would get pretty cold at night, on the planet we crashed on. And, you know how turians get with the cold… There wasn't enough power to safely take flight for the first few days, so in the meantime she would make tea for the crew to calm the nerves."

"And she shared it with you and Tali?"

"Well, it's just water and herbs. One of the few things that all the species can enjoy and not have to worry about a reaction."

"Huh." I mused, taking another sip and glancing out the window to observe the strip. "I never thought of that. I was the most worried about you two. You guys always get the shit rations, being the only dextros on board."

"We ended up eating a lot of bread. It was the only thing left that her and I could eat after ours ran out." He made a disgusted face. "I will never understand why humans eat bread with everything. It tastes like cardboard."

I snorted. "We don't usually eat it plain."

"Still...nasty." He reiterated. "Tali found it more worthwhile to just finish off the supply of alcohol on the crew deck, since nobody else seemed to be touching it. I admit, I helped more than a little bit...I wasn't exactly the most concerned about the health of my organs at the time."

"Had a little heart to heart?"

"Yeah." Garrus continued, getting comfortable and leaning back on the sofa. He let out a long and deep sigh. "I always admired Tali. But I never really knew how sad she was. You'd never be able to tell. And that's not because she wears a mask on her face."

"I know. I've had my share of pep talks with her."

He cocked his head to the side in question. "Really?"

I smiled a little, nodding. "Liara's usually the emotional one, but Tali knows how to cheer you up. Even when she's filled with all of the doubt in the world, she's always made me feel better. She's beautiful. Inside and out."

"Er - " Garrus started, confused. "Well, I mean I don't doubt she is - but how would you know what she looks like? I mean, I'm not one to talk," he gestured to the scars on the right side of his face. "...but I've always been a little afraid of seeing a quarian without the suit."

My smile widened, turning into more of a smirk. I felt a little spoiled, like I knew a secret everyone else wished they knew. "Well, I've seen her. On Rannoch," I thought back to the memory. "It was only for a minute. But she was a sight. She was...happy. She sat there looking out onto her homeworld with her bare eyes for the first time, and she was just happy." My smile dropped a bit. "I was jealous."

We both sat in silence for a moment. We said nothing, but, I knew he was thinking about Palaven just as I thought about Earth.

Garrus broke the quiet, leaving the subject. "Yeah. That whole month was just, a lot of learning, and a lot of bonding with the crew. Y'know, sticking together to stay strong and all that. I guess it wasn't all so bad. Really, the worst part was just not knowing what had happened. To Earth, to the Reapers." I heard him pause, and his voice dropped. "To you."

I shot an apologetic look at him, my brows furrowed and my eyes immediately locked on his. My tone altered drastically as his did. "I'm so sorry, Garrus."

I leaned forward to place the mug down on the table and hugged my knees to my chest as I scooted closer to him. "I didn't have a choice. There was no getting through that for you and Tali. I couldn't have your deaths on my hands. I couldn't watch you die. I just couldn't."

Suddenly I was cut off by the feeling of a lump in my throat, and my eyes swelled up again. My face felt hot and I was slapped in the face by my emotions. I burrowed into his torso, and he held me consolingly, wrapping his arms around me. I felt so weak. It was a new and foreign feeling and I wasn't enjoying a second of it. Everything that's happened had finally started to catch up with me. And it was tearing me down to mere shreds of who I once was.

"You don't have to apologize, Shepard." He reassured me, gently rubbing my arm. "I was angry, I won't lie – but…we both know, if I were in your place, I would have done the same damn thing."

"I just don't know what I would've done if I had lost you." I said quietly, staring up into his bright azure eyes with a deep guilt in my own. I softly caressed his face with the palm of my hand before dropping it back down to my beating chest in a curled fist and looking away at the floor in regret, my voice lowering. "I would never forgive myself."

"Hey," he intervened, giving my shoulder a gentle squeeze. "There isn't a single person on that ship who blamed you for anything that's happened. We signed on for this war, and we made it. And you know what? We could never have asked for a better captain." He tenderly nudged my chin up with a talon to face him again, the vibrato of his deep voice filling me with a comforting warmth like a bonfire on a cold winter's night. "We couldn't have asked for a better friend."

I held his gaze for what seemed like an eternity, getting lost in how the artificial light streaming through the glass behind us danced through the fractals of his piercing blue eyes and created waves of dozens of different shades, reminding me of the oceans back on Earth. And finally a grateful smile spread across my lips as I relaxed into his tight embrace. Every worry and doubt and fear in my mind melted away for just a moment. There was nothing in this galaxy that made me feel more at home than when I was in his arms. Truth be told, I had never truly known what "home" was until I had found him.

At the end of the day, he was the reason I kept fighting. Even when we were apart, he was the only lasting motivation I had. That was something I didn't like to admit. I had never been the romantic type. And I certainly wasn't known for it. Sure, I'd had some flings here and there in my late teenage years and early adulthood. But it was just never for me. Nothing ever lasted, ever meant anything emotionally - but it never bothered me. The notion of being alone that would constantly trouble the typical woman never crossed my mind twice. I was too devoted to my job, too focused on being the strongest person I could be. I was robbed of my childhood far earlier than any human being – or, rather, any being at all – should ever be robbed of. I was so busy making sure that nobody would ever have to go through the same devastation and suffering I went through, that I forgot how to be exactly that: human. While it may seem ironic that I had to fall in love with an alien to learn how to be just that, doing so was in fact the best thing that had ever happened to me. And heaven knows I never would have imagined him being beside me now the first time I ever saw him all those years ago in the Citadel Tower. It's strange to think that the ones I now call family were once complete strangers and perhaps even people I once wouldn't associate myself with. The thought of losing Garrus was like hearing every goodbye ever said to me, and every goodbye that never got the chance to be spoken, all at once. He was my greatest friend.

"I wish we could just stay here forever." I purred, closing my eyes as he cradled me.

"Well," he started cheekily with a lilted tone. "We could turn in for early retirement…I'm sure the Alliance wouldn't mind."

"Ha," I chuckled halfheartedly. "Yeah. I wish."

Garrus pulled back to glance down at me, raising the plates atop his head that were equivalent to brows. "Why not?"

I huffed. "Well, extended shore leave is great and all, but we both know it doesn't just end there, Garrus. We've still got a galaxy we're obligated to protect. There's always more work to be done." I explained sternly. I groaned. "And now they'll be expecting me more than ever to be their leader. I'm in charge now."

"Honey, you've always been in charge." I shot a mockingly offended look up at him, my eyes squinted in retort. He shook his head and laughed at me as I returned my gaze out the large window to watch the skycars passing by. He waited a moment before continuing. "Do you remember what we talked about before crossing no man's land?"

"I remember."

"So, whatever happened to that little deal of ours, hm? I believe…if my memory serves me right…that we agreed that if we win this thing, we go and retire someplace tropical, live off the royalties from the vids, and do a little science – "he paused to pull me closer and breathe suggestively into the nape of my neck. " – of our own."

I tried hard not to grin giddily as goosebumps emerged all over my skin from the surprise contact, but I couldn't help it. "Someday, Garrus. I promise. Someday."

I tilted my head back to kiss him on the bit of soft flesh exposed on his neck as he delicately weaved a talon through a tendril of my dark hair.

"Your hair…has gotten…longer." He mused out of a slightly roused exhale, more to himself than to me, sounding a bit surprised as he twirled the strand between his fingers.

"Yeah, it does that." I tried not to laugh at him. His curiosity and fascination with my body never failed to both amuse and flatter me.

To him, I was the alien. Plenty more than once he had endearingly expressed concern about potentially hurting me by accident, because he had trouble comprehending how a human's soft exterior could possibly be efficient in protecting its body from outside dangers. Turians were rough and chiseled and evolved over time to be covered by hard cartilaginous plates nearly everywhere besides the few fleshy areas that were exposed. I always reassured him, it would take much more than some late night escapades to break me. And I think he always knew and respected that – otherwise, I nor any human for that matter would be a soldier. But deep down I believed he just enjoyed being able to express a gentler side to me, since on a day to day basis, much like myself, he was expected to be just the opposite. It was our job to be unwavering in our strength.

I was brought back from my thoughts by Garrus leaning in to kiss my neck again, to which I giggled in positive response.

"How did I ever get so damn lucky?" He pondered aloud, and I swore I could almost feel something equivalent to a smile on my skin accompanied with his warm breath as he spoke. My cheeks were hot and flushed, and my eyes fluttered in joy.

"I was going to ask you the same thing." I gently nudged him off me momentarily, and stood up from the sofa. "Come on," I extended a hand eagerly, smirking devilishly. "We've still got the whole place to ourselves for tonight before the others get here. Let's make the most of it."

His cerulean eyes lit up like fireworks, and he gleefully accepted my gesture. His hand in mine never felt more right. The night faded away in the best way I could have imagined. Every scar felt healed. Every inch of me blessed and renewed. And when I reached out in the middle of the night to feel the warmth of another beside me where it belonged, at long, sweet last, it was finally there.

Edit: Thank you Kim for correcting the turian biology for me - I knew it wasn't exoskeleton, but I had no idea how else to describe it, haha.

Thank you all for your wonderful reviews and support. Over time I'll probably do a few rewrites here and there, because we all know writing is a process. But I hope you enjoy in the meantime. Hope to be posting chapter five soon!