"No, I don't need you to come in, we've got it covered here. The kids will want to see you, I'm sure, and at least one of us should get a good night's sleep," Tony told Steve. She sat in what was essentially a break room, watching Game of Thrones on one of her flatscreens.
"Are you sure?" Steve asked. "I could grab something from the restaurant and we could eat on the helicarrier." Tony grunted.
"Ugh, no. That sounds like the least appealing thing ever. I do not want to associate chocolate cake with raspberry sauce with the helicarrier. I would much rather associate it with our bedroom," she said grumpily. She didn't want her delicious gourmet food ruined by the horrible atmosphere of the helicarrier, of the steel walls and loud hum of the propellers or the prying eyes of her employees. Steve had just chuckled.
"Tell you what, I'll swing by the restaurant and pick up some dessert and put it in the fridge and we can have our own—much more private—dinner whenever you get home," Steve said, and his voice was deep and filled with suggestion. A chill ran all the way down to her toes—she loved it when he got this way.
"My hero," she teased. She had looked up at Game of Thrones just then, and then glanced over to her laptop, which presented surveillance trained on the other Avengers team. They were still processing the whole 'thrown into another universe thing', and from what she could hear they were still trying to figure out why in the hell one of their young agents went rogue and sent them to 3490. "All right, I could probably sit and talk to you on the phone all night but I'm going to hang up now because A) I think my job entails actually monitoring the situation at hand, B) I haven't seen this season of Game of Thrones yet, and C) I think the phone sex I'm really tempted to start would be wildly inappropriate for the workplace."
"When does that ever stop you?" Steve teased. "Are you maturing, Tony? Why, I never thought I'd see the day."
"Shut up," Tony replied affectionately. "I'll talk to you in…I don't know. Maybe ten hours or so, Bruce is working on setting up the computers to do all the work, and once they're going we'll have an exact time."
"All right. Bye Tony, love you," Steve said.
"Love you too," Tony said, and hung up the phone. She watched the laptop carefully.
They weren't a very cohesive unit. Her double was arguing with Fury. Alternate Steve was arguing with both of them. Natasha looked like she wanted to kill everyone on the team because the testosterone was getting to be too much, and Bruce was taking deep breaths and ignoring everyone which was a terrible sign. She wondered, briefly, if Banner had the Hulk under control or if he would be an even bigger threat than she had initially anticipated.
"Computers are doing their thing," Dr. Banner, her Dr. Banner, walked in through the door. He took a seat beside her on the couch. He looked at the laptop. "So you're pretty confident they're friendly?"
"Ha, no," Tony said, keeping a sharp eye on the proceedings. "My running theory is that they're stupid. Very stupid. Not an ounce of experience between them and Rogers, the only one who might have a sensible head on his shoulders, is a baby. Look at him! He's a kid. He's Steve when we met in 1990 for God's sake. He might be a big war hero but he hasn't adjusted to this century yet. Clouds his judgment."
"And the big threats are?" Dr. Banner asked.
"Romanov, as usual," Tony said. "Can't trust that one further than you can throw her, of course. Well. Actually, you might be able to throw her quite far. Me in the Iron suit as well, but you get my meaning. She's the only one I see presenting a real threat at the moment, other than, perhaps, your counterpart."
"Mine?" Dr. Banner asked.
"I'm not certain how good his control is," she said, pointing him out on screen. Dr. Banner regarded himself for a moment.
"Not as good as mine, but probably about the same as I was at that same stage, a couple of years into it," Dr. Banner reasoned. "He's not likely to Hulk out unless we give him reason to."
"Well, we'll just have to keep them relatively calm then," Tony said. She sat back on the couch. The other Steve and Tony were engaged in a rather heated argument. "My counterpart won't be an issue. Scariest part about him is his hacking ability and he won't be able to crack my systems. I'll make sure of that. He hasn't got Extremis anyway, so that makes things easier, and frankly, personality-wise I don't think he ever left the nineties."
"And Thor? He could be a problem," Dr. Banner pointed out. Tony shrugged.
"If he is, well, we have our own Thor. And if Thor isn't around—well, we know how to neutralize Asgardians. But I'm not concerned. This one doesn't seem to understand Midgard all that well, he'll be taking his directives from Rogers and Fury. And we're at an advantage over Fury. I don't believe for a second that man was unaware of the multiverse. He knows things. His secrets have secrets," Tony said. Perhaps fortuitously, Varys, the spy master on Game of Thrones appeared on screen. "I don't view him as a threat, but we do need to find out what he knows."
"By what means do you intend to get Director Fury to divulge sensitive information?" Dr. Banner asked, an eyebrow raised. Tony smiled.
"Not by any means necessary, if that's what you're asking, Banner. I haven't gone power mad just yet."
"Yet," Bruce snorted. He looked at her carefully.
"We'll keep him at the Triskelion. I'll see if I can't get Hill to befriend him—as much as either of them are capable of befriending anyone. Let him in on some unimportant matters that, to an outsider with little experience, will probably look like important ones—make him feel part of the team and then see if he'll spill," Tony said. She looked up at Game of Thrones—if only this were actual time in which she could relax and not time in which she had to strategize. Her job was such a pain sometimes. All she wanted to do was unwind.
"And if that doesn't work?" Bruce asked.
"Then I'll send in the big guns," Tony said. At Bruce's questioning look she clarified, "I'll have Steve talk to him."
"Talk to him or talk to him?" Bruce asked. Tony smiled.
"Whatever Steve decides is more effective," she said. "But I assume he will, in fact, just talk to him."
"And if that doesn't work?" Bruce asked.
"Such a pessimist today, aren't we Bruce?" she asked. "Perhaps I'll try using my feminine wiles."
"Fury's basically a robot. He's less sexual than JARVIS. And I'm sure Steve'll be thrilled at the suggestion."
"I'm not going to torture the man, Banner," Tony said. "I told you. Not that power mad just yet. Besides I have another, less painful way of getting exactly what I want." Bruce stilled, then eyed Tony carefully.
"It's not exactly ethical."
"Neither would be having my husband beat Fury's face to a pretty little pulp," Tony pointed out. "I think it will work out better for everyone this way. But first. Traditional questionably ethical spy methods." Tony turned up the volume on her show, very much so done with this discussion with Dr. Banner. For a while, her tactic succeeded, and Bruce fell silent, but as soon as the credits rolled, he opened his mouth again.
"So what are we going to do with them?" Bruce asked. Tony sighed.
"Chuck them back into their universe as soon as we're able. Tomorrow, if we can, or the next day," she said.
"And if it's longer than that?" Bruce asked.
"Then I want to keep an eye on them. A close one. And separate the head from the shoulders so to speak—Fury, Hill, and Coulson will stay at the Triskelion. I'll take the others home," Tony said as the opening sequence to a new episode rolled. Bruce looked surprised.
"Home? You don't mean—you'll take them back to the mansion? To Brookeville?" Bruce asked. "Tony, we don't know how friendly or unfriendly these guys are—that's a massive risk, not just to you, not just to Steve but to your kids, how can you even think—" Tony reached over to her laptop and pressed a key. She could really change the screen with her mind, but touching the keys got Bruce's attention. He fell silent as he viewed the model of the nanite on screen.
"To all of them, Tony?" Bruce asked.
"Other Me doesn't have Extremis. He won't be able to detect it, and none of them will suspect," Tony said. "I'll slip the nanites in carefully. In brownie batter or something. They'll never know. And once the nanites are in their bloodstream, well, our universe will be safe from whatever threat they may pose. This is how we neutralize an Asgardian, Bruce, this is how we take secrets straight from Other Fury's brain, this is how I make sure Rogers doesn't go insane from the stress of his short new life and start a killing rampage. I'll link them up to JARVIS. He'll monitor the situation for me and if any of them come close to touching a hair on me or my kids' heads, or any innocent civilians'—well, he'll knock them cold where they stand. Or he'll pull the trigger if he has to." Bruce let out a long breath.
"It doesn't feel right, Tony," he said.
"It's not about right, Bruce. It's about Universe Security. We won't breach their privacy any more than we have to," Tony said.
"D'you think Steve will approve of this?" Bruce asked.
"He doesn't have to, I'm the Director," Tony said coolly. "But yes, actually. He knows. He doesn't exactly approve but he didn't raise any serious objections, either. After the last alternate avengers team he knows it's a prudent move."
"And you used to rag on Fury about his unethical decisions," Bruce said dryly.
"Because Fury never attempted ethical ones first," Tony protested. "I'm not going to download my alternate's brain and see exactly what he's thinking. I'm not going to pry the secrets out of Fury with nanites if I can do it with friendship. But I'm not going to give these ones any leeway either. They need to be watched. They might just be stupid, but it might just be an act. We can't know for certain."
"I hate it when you use the nanites," Bruce said, frowning but raising no further objection.
"You and me both, Bruce. You and me both."