Disclaimer: Mulder, and Scully don't belong to me – good ol' Chris Carter created them. The X-Files universe also belongs to 1013 Productions.
A/N: This one has huge spoilers for Hollywood A.D. Hope you enjoy!
333
Flashlight
"I hate mondays," Mulder complained as he and his partner stepped out of the FBI elevator on their boss's floor. "We've only been here ten minutes, and already we have a mountain of paperwork to wade through."
"I know, Mulder," Scully sympathized, patting his arm. "It's not fun. But maybe our meeting won't go as badly as you think it will."
"So Skinner's called us in to give us a pat on the back, has he?" Mulder said, not bothering to his sarcasm.
Mulder and Scully had been called to AD Skinner's office, but for what reason, they could not say. The secretary ushered them in, and the agents sat side by side facing Skinner's desk, waiting for the AD to come back from his meeting or wherever the hell he was.
"Whatever happens, we will get through this, Scully," he said fiercely. She nodded, and squeezed his hand, inwardly praying that Mulder was right.
"Of course we will, Mulder. It's what we do." She couldn't bear the thought of seeing the anguished look on her partner's face if Skinner informed them that the X-Files had been closed down for a third time. But when they spied their boss in the hall talking with a very familiar man, both agents realized that this was far worse than anything they could've imagined.
"On second thought, I was wrong," Mulder muttered. For walking in with their boss, was the Annoying Hollywood Guy With The Cell Phone. He was wearing his sunglasses and leather jacket, and looked like he'd just stepped out of a Rogaine commercial.
"Hey, it's my two favorite agents! How's it hangin?" said the guy, walking into the office, and making himself at home in Skinner's chair. For the record, Skinner wasn't too pleased with this development, but he chose to let it go.
"How's it hangin?" Mulder repeated. "Did you mean literally or figuratively?" Scully smacked him in the arm at that, but Wayne didn't appear to notice.
"We're fine, thank you, Mr. Federman," said Scully, giving him a big fake smile.
"You remembered my name!" Wayne rejoiced. "Skinman, they remembered me!"
"How could we forget, Mr. Federman," said Mulder. He sounded genuinely happy about seeing the Hollywood producer again. Scully and Skinner knew better. "So what brings you back to the FBI? Did you come back to get some more 'flavor'?"
"Exactly," said Wayne, nodding.
"I was kidding," Mulder sighed. "You're not serious?"
"I am, Agent Mulder," said Wayne with a cheesy grin. "I'm here to gather new material for the sequel to The Lazarus Bowl!"
"What?" Scully cried, blanching at the thought of another movie being made that was inspired by her and Mulder's quest for the truth. "That was the crappiest movie ever made!"
"Ah, but it was a funny, crappy movie," Federman corrected her. "Those have been real sellouts these days - your story made my studio execs very happy."
"And so you've decided to take the only sensible next step - you make a sequel," deadpanned Mulder.
"Exactly," said Wayne, pleased he was being taken seriously. "Do you think I could-"
Bringaringaring! Bringaringaring!
"I've got to take this," Federman apologized. "Phil, hi! Can I call you back in... no! Scruffy got out again?! What the hell is wrong with you people? Scruffy is the star of our new doggie musical and you can't even keep track of him? I ought to fire you right now!" Wayne finally had the decency to step out of Skinner's office, much to the threesome's relief.
"Sir, you can't do this to us again," Mulder whined. "We can't have him tagging along on another one of our cases."
"He almost jeopardized the last one," added Scully.
"I'm not assigning him to cover you two," said Skinner, much to their relief. "He just wants to ask you some questions about your previous cases, in hopes that inspiration for the sequel will strike him. After he's finished, he assured me he would leave."
"Couldn't we just deny him the rights to make a sequel about the movie 'loosely based' on us, and stop this nonsense right now?" Scully asked.
"Lighten up, Agent Scully," said Skinner, chuckling. "I want to see how the Mulder/Scully/Skinner love triangle ends up, don't you?"
"Oh that's very professional of you, sir," said Mulder, giving his boss a small glare. "Gee I wonder which one movie Scully is gonna pick, considering I'm being played by Garry Shandling, and you're being played by friggin' Richard Gere!" Scully, who had been doing so well up until that point, broke down with laughter."
"What now?" Mulder asked, completely confused as to what Scully thought was so funny. "What's so funny?"
"You, being played by Shandling!" Scully wheezed. "I was just remembering the movie, and you have to admit some parts are pretty funny."
"It was not funny at all," Mulder argued. "They made me look like a pansy."
"Mulder, you are a pansy," said Skinner. He winked at Scully, who started giggling again.
"This is great," Mulder sighed, sticking out his lower lip in an adorable pout. "My boss and my wife are out to humiliate me."
"Mulder, no!" Scully cried through her laughter, giving him a peck on the cheek. (That was all she dared to do in front of Skinner.) "We just find it amusing that the movie bothers you so much." Just then Wayne burst back into the room.
"They found Scruffy - he was taking a leak in the back of his trailer." Mulder glared at Skinner. They had to let this guy make another movie about them? What had they done to deserve this kind of torture? "My people are so incompetent," continued Federman, shaking his head in frustration. "Have you ever had that feeling, when someone is annoying you so much that just want to throttle them?"
"All the time," Mulder said sweetly.
"So you two ready to get down to business?" Wayne asked, suddenly back to his usual perky self. "I trust the Skinman has already given you the down low." Now it was Mulder's turn to snicker as Skinner assured his old buddy that he had in fact informed the agents of their duty. "Great!" Wayne enthused. "Let's get started. Okay, so we want to make a sequel to the Lazarus Bowl, and we want it to have even more laughs than the first one. I'm sure you've had to have some humorous moments while you were out in the field."
"A few, yes," said Scully, trying to think of a case the would appease the fellow as soon as possible. "There was the time that we investigated some murders in a small town in Texas and came across a troupe of what Mulder believed to be vampires."
"Believed? Ha!" Mulder scoffed. " They were vampires! Scully, you weren't there when-"
"Sorry, but vampires are funny how?" Wayne interrupted, much to Mulder's chagrin. "I don't see where you are going with this."
"Obviously," muttered Mulder. "What was funny was when Scully started hitting on the town sheriff who had big buck teeth!"
"Mulder, he didn't have buck teeth," Scully argued. "You just invented that part to feel better about yourself."
"Hmm, vamps... that might work," Wayne muttered. "How much was Skinner involved in this case?"
"Well, he called us back in to his office to go back to Dallas after he read our report," said Scully.
"I tried to plead that I was drugged, but it didn't help much," added Mulder.
"That's not enough time in the story for Skinner's character to have as much screen time as we'd like," the Hollywoodian mused, shaking his head as he tuned Mulder out. "We really want to play up the Skinner and Scully angle in this next one, as that's what audiences seemed to like." Mulder rolled his eyes, but managed to refrain from commenting. After all, he had Scully in real life. Who cared about some dumb movie?
"There was the time when I switched bodies with the guy from the CIA," volunteered Mulder. "It took awhile for Scully to believe what had happened, and for awhile she was stuck with that sleaze who looked like me."
"How much did you visit Skinner during that time?" Federman asked. Scully sighed.
"Look, Skinner is our boss. He's not usually out with us on our cases."
"I see," said Federman, frowning. "Oh! Have I got an idea," he cried, almost immediately.
"Can't wait to hear it," Mulder mumbled under his breath.
"What if it was Skinner who changed bodies with Mulder? That would make an interesting twist!"
"But that's not the way it happened at all!" Mulder protested. "What about the CIA hiding secret UFO tests? What about the truth!"
"Agent Mulder, in Hollywood, no one gives a damn about your so-called truth," said Wayne. "We want this movie to be entertaining, nothing more. This isn't an ad for your personal crusade." Mulder gave him a tightlipped smile, and said nothing, for he knew if he did, his mouth would get him in trouble. Skinner shifted in his reclaimed seat, embarrassed by the way his friend was treating Mulder.
"So Agent Scully," said Wayne, "How did this sleazeball convince you that he wasn't the real Mulder?"
"Well, he gave me a pat on the behind a couple times," said Scully, wincing as she remembered. "That was a big clue, but..."
"Pat on behind," said Wayne, speaking succinctly into his tape recorder. "Anything else, Agent Scully?"
"Yes," she said slowly, as if concentrating on the memory. "What really convinced me was when --"
"Scully, no," Mulder pleaded, knowing what she was about to say. "Not that! Anything but that."
"Sorry Mulder, he asked," said Scully, with a note of mischief in her voice. "You see, Mr. Federman, the man who was inhibiting Mulder's body was seducing women in every department," she explained. "So it was only a matter of time before he'd try to seduce me."
"Naturally! Skinner seducing Scully," Federman said into his tape recorder. "Interesting. Go on."
"When I arrived at Mulder's apartment one night to eat dinner with him, I was quickly shown Mulder's new bedroom. The man had cleared out Mulder's storage closet and instead replaced it with mood lighting, a stereo, and a waterbed.
"Waterbed," Federman mumbled into the recorder. "I like where this is going."
"I don't," moaned Mulder, but no one paid attention to him. Skinner was especially attentive, having never heard this story before.
"And so "Mulder" attempted to get me drunk on champagne," said Scully as she continued her tale. "I remember laying next to him on the water bed, looking up at my reflection from the overhead mirrors, thinking that Mulder had lost his mind. It was then that I was positive that the man who had called me earlier claiming to be my partner was in fact the real Mulder, and that the schmoozer before me was a fraud."
"Because the real agent Mulder wouldn't have the guts to try and seduce you?" Wayne asked.
"Can we please leave my guts out of it?" Mulder begged.
"No, because I knew the real Mulder wouldn't try to take advantage of me like that," said Scully, directing a warm smile her husband's way. Wayne smirked.
"Isn't that sweet of you, Mulder. It's good to know we have such an honorable agent on the force." Mulder lay his head on Skinner's desk and covered his ears, trying to block out the irritating voice that belonged to Wayne. "So Agent Scully, how did you escape from 'Mulder'?" Wayne prodded. "He could've overpowered you, I'm sure." She nodded.
"With that in mind, I suggested that we use my spare pair of handcuffs," said Scully. "Falling for the trick, he put them on and I pulled my gun on him." Federman looked like he was about to explode with joy.
"Handcuffs," he squealed into his recorder. "Well, agents, you've provided me with plenty of material to work with for the sequel. Thanks very much. I'll have my people call your people while the movie's in preproduction in case we have any further questions." He shook each of their hands in turn and started to move towards the door. Mulder finally looked up, thankful that the worst was over.
"Excuse me, Mr. Federman, but there is one detail about the love triangle that I'd like cleared up in the sequel," Scully called after him. Mulder turned to Scully in surprise - hadn't she teased him enough?
"What's that?" Federman asked. Scully grinned smugly.
"It's Mulder who has the bigger flashlight." Suddenly Mulder's bad day didn't seem so terrible after all. It was the first and probably last time Scully would make any sort of sexual reference in front of Skinner, and Mulder was just thrilled that he was there to witness it!