Hack: Yeah. Sorry about the extremely late update. To be frank I kinda lost interest in typing this story up, because I'm more focused on my Endowment of Exigency fic. I also had a writer's block for some time.

Kirby: (holds up a sign)

Falcon: (reads the sign) Read… It… It's… good… WHAT? Your fanfic damn sucks! I get beaten by Samus too much!

Link: And for a good reason.

Falcon: ...Shush

Mario: Mama mia, I die in that fanfic. I'm not-a that heroic!

Mewtwo: I come off as an enemy in both… I hate my clichéd parts.

Ness: Don't worry, at least you don't have a lame kendama.

Everyone else: (snickers)

Fox: Hack doesn't own anything except his jokes!

Hack: True. Funny jokes are pretty hard to think of too, especially if you kinda lost some interest. Don't worry, it won't be dead, but expect very late updates… Enjoy this chapter!

Much love to copy and paste. You'll see what I mean in a second (literally).

Chapter 3: DAPHNES NOHANSEN HYRULE!!!

Scene: Temple Altar

After the smashers finally learned what the sorcerer's ring does, Zelda fired it at a barrier at the center of the main chamber and destroyed it. They all ran through the doorway and entered a teleportation device, appearing at the very top of the temple. They were outside, standing before a magical altar. A bright yellow vertical pillar of light shot down to the center of the altar and a very large, red-cloaked figure floated down with white wings. He was very familiar to Link and Zelda…

"GASP! DAPHNES NOHANSEN HYRULE!!!!!" Link and Zelda cried out.

"What the… Who the hell names their son… Daffy… Nomad… Hyla…?" asked Marth.

"Really long name," Ness snickered. "That's your dad, Zelda?"

Zelda flipped through a large packet of papers, apparently the script. "Dad? You're acting as Lord Remiel?"

"Correct."

Link peered over Zelda's shoulder to look at the script. "…Lord Remiel was short and somewhat thin. He didn't wear humongous red Hylian robes. Why don't you look anything like him, Daphnes Nohansen Hyrule?"

Ness and Marth snickered. "Such a long name…" muttered Marth.

Daphnes Nohansen Hyrule sighed, ignoring Marth and Ness. "I prefer my long, red robes. Well, Princess Zelda…"

"I'm not a princess, I'm a chosen."

"Ah, sorry, my apologies. It is so difficult to name my daughter not a princess. Well from now on, you will become the Chosen of Regeneration…" Daphnes Nohansen Hyrule began lecturing Zelda on everything she should do as a chosen. "We under Mew bless your name. Your duty as a chosen is to go to every temple and pray, then obtain the chosen aeon, blah blah blah…"

"Wait, that's from Final Fantasy X," said Ness. "You've got your stuff wrong, Mr. Long Name."

"Ah, my apologies. You are to go to every temple and see me, become one step closer to becoming a pokemon."

"A pokemon???" Zelda cried out. "I don't want to be like that runt Pikachu!"

"Yet you miraculously don't insult Pichu…" muttered Link.

Zelda blushed. "Shut up! Pichu's irresistibly cute! Pikachu isn't!"

Daphnes Nohansen Hyrule ignored their arguing. Only Zelda began listening again. "Go to the center of the world and awaken the Mew… We of the pokemon bless this event for your awakening."

"You certainly don't look like a pokemon," said Marth.

"The pokemon with the longest name I can think of is Feraligator," said Ness. It had eleven letters.

"No, you spelled it wrong," said Link. "It's spelled Feraligatr, without the o."

"What? What the hell were the developers thinking?" exclaimed Ness. "That spelling doesn't make sense!"

"So it's tied with many other pokemon for the longest name, as far as I know. Ten letters…" said Marth.

"They made Feraligatr's name like that so it can fit in the pokemon screen," said Link.

"Then just add another space so they can spell it in a more sensible way!" Ness cried. "What lazy retards!"

"Hmmmm... If you spell out Porygon2, you'll get Porygon Two. It's longer!" exclaimed Marth.

"No, it's still only ten letters, not including the space…" Link sighed. "But the point is, the longest pokemon name doesn't compare with Daphnes Nohansen Hyrule. It has twenty one letters!"

"No, the longest pokemon's name matches up to it," said Ness.

"Huh?" Both Link and Marth looked at Ness.

Ness took a deep breath. "Daphnes Nohansen Hyrule. He's a pokemon in this fic!"

It took the two others to realize what Ness meant, then they literally ROTFLed!!!!

Suddenly, Zelda grew a white tail from her butt!

"What the… What is this?" Zelda asked, holding up her tail. "I don't want to look like Mewtwo."

Daphnes Nohansen Hyrule shook his head. "No, you will look like Mew!"

"Ew! Hack! I demand that you don't make me survive with this tail!" Zelda cried out to the sky.

"Why? It suits your ugliness perfectly," Hack called through the clouds.

"DO IT OR ELSE!!!"

"I'm the all-powerful author that most reviewers don't like. I can do anything."

"Oh yeah? Ness! Do it!"

"On it! NUT CRACKER!!!"

KA-BAM!

"OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!" Hack cried out in pain. Nobody could see him, but it was clear that he was in much pain. "Fine… Fine… Take out… Mew's… stuff…" he gasped, breathing heavily between each word.

Zelda's tail disappeared. "Yay!"

"You'll just become an empty shell."

"Huh?"

"Never mind. Anyone who played the game will know what I'm talking about. And now, I will leave the scene," said Hack.

So we finally get back to the plot.

"So awaken Mew at the Silph Co. after your transformations…" muttered Daphnes Nohansen Hyrule.

"Why is it called Silph Co?" asked Marth.

"Pikachu told me that there was an incredibly evil dungeon in Safron City which was a huge tower with over ten floors. It had teleporters everywhere. It was the Silph Co," explained Ness.

"Can't be as bad as my Water Temple…" muttered Link.

"Yes, I will complete my mission," said Zelda, ignoring the side conversations.

There was a long pause.

"You are supposed to ask me if you truly are my daughter," said Daphnes Nohansen Hyrule.

"I know you're my father! What is there to ask?" said Zelda.

"…Point taken. Good bye."

Zelda rolled her eyes. "Whatever."

"Wait!" Marth called out. "Why is your name so darn long? It sounds so much like Daffy Nomad Hyla! A random, lame name!"

"Quiet!" Daphnes Nohansen Hyrule finally left the scene, floating upwards into the sky.

Scene: Main Chamber

"Can't you guys ever shut up?" asked Zelda. The three guys stood still for a moment. At the same time, Link, Marth, and Ness said respectively…

"No."

"Yes."

"Undecided."

"Gah! I wish Peach was here to deal with you guys!" Zelda sighed with her hand on her face.

"You called?" Peach came into the scene with her frying pan.

"Um… No… I didn't mean that…" Zelda stuttered out of fear. She and the three guys were trembling, praying that Peach won't beat on them.

"Um… Zelda…" said Marth. "We're supposed to leave before the two others… We leave for your journey, before seeing… the devil…" he pointed at Peach.

"You called me a devil?" asked Peach, growing red horns on her head.

"Ooops, gotta go!" Marth grabbed Zelda's hand and sped out of the temple. Link and Ness were cornered.

"And you two were supposed to stay in the classroom when I left!" Peach growled.

"Hey, Zelda left too! Why not punish her?" asked Link.

"Hey, Zelda's your girlfriend, why aren't you standing up for her?" asked Ness.

"You want me to take hits from the Satan of the underworld?" Link hissed into Ness's ear.

"I heard that!"

CLANG!

Link got a huge headache as he sat along the wall, rubbing his head in pain. "I stand correct... She has the ears... of Satan..."

"Oops, I was supposed to get the midget first," said Peach. She grabbed Ness around the waist. "I can't wait until I do this…"

Peach began spanking Ness on his ass! Her slaps were so hard that Ness began forming painful blue bruises on his butt!

"OWWW! MOMMY! PLEASE!!! STOP IT!!!!" Ness cried.

"Hey, it could be worse…" mumbled Link, still rubbing his head.

"And I'm supposed to kick you next," said Peach as she tossed Ness aside. "The script said in the stomach, but I can bend a rule."

CRUNCH!

Ness cringed at the sound, almost as if he could feel the pain, as he saw Link…

Scene: Popstar (aka Altamira)

Popstar is on the other dimension of where Link is. Very very far away.

Kirby (aka Regal) was currently feasting on his well-cooked meal. He opened his black hole mouth, all the food in midair, about to be sucked in…

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH"

Followed by a deep breath.

"HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Kirby jumped into the ceiling abruptly, dropping all the food onto the clean floor.

"Damn it! That ruined my dinner!" Kirby angrily muttered, looking at the dirty mess on the once formal, beautiful ballroom floor. "That better not be Peach slamming her high heels on some gay guy's balls! Popo! Clean it all up!"

Popo came in, dressed in a girl's pink clothes. "What, lick it all up again?"

Kirby nodded.

"I'm supposed to be your girlfriend, Alicia! We're supposed to love each other! Why are you slaving me around??" Popo cried. "And I'm not a girl either! I hate this role!"

Kirby slurped on a slurpie. "Not my problem. Lick it up," he ordered. Popo the 'girlfriend' of Kirby licked up the floor relentlessly, glaring at Kirby.

Scene: Main Chamber

"I know Link's an idiot…" whispered Ness. "But you don't have to castrate him…"

Peach lifted Link on her shoulder. "He isn't castrated."

"I'm sure his testicles were crushed under your shoes."

"Too bad for him."

"And didn't the script say that you had to KICK him, not stomp him?"

"…Shush."

"And why are you here?"

"I got permission to 'study' the ruins, but really I just wanted to kick your butts."

"…You're too nice."

"…You're supposed to go, you know. Take this luggage." Peach threw Link's carcass at Ness, who grunted as he tried to hold Link up.

"Ugh… right… whatever…" Ness grumbled as he left.

Scene: Toad Town

"Hm…" said Link as he and Ness walked back in the town.

"You okay?" asked Ness.

"No really? Of COURSE I'm fine after getting my balls ripped off!" Link bellowed sarcastically. Ness cowered before him. "But whatever. We've gotta check up on Zelda and her journey stuff!"

Ness rolled his eyes. "Whatever…"

So the pair went to Zelda's house in Toad Town, which simply resembled a plain, normal two-floored house with a red roof. They opened the white doors to see Toadette and Marth 'discussing' their plans for Zelda.

"…Are you sure you won't do anything suspicious with Zelda?" Toadette raised an eyebrow.

"Hey, I'm not Roy or Captain Falcon. I don't lust for sex and girls 24/7."

"Good point."

"And who'd want to do anything to Zelda under Peach's nose? That'd be pretty scary." Marth shifted his eyes around to detect any Peach-ness.

"Don't worry, Peach's busy in the temple," said Link. Marth sighed with relief. "So what's going on?"

"Peach and I are guarding the chosen throughout her journey. That's basically it. Toadette kept thinking that I want to do something suspicious with Zelda, but nobody would want to do anything with Peach nearby."

Ness chuckled. "Yeah… You should've heard Link's cry when she stomped on his balls…"

"What? That was Link? Anyone could've heard his bellow! I bet ya everyone from all the other planets in the Nintendo universe heard his cry!"

"Psh, no way!"

Scene: Popstar

"That voice really sounded like Link though…" muttered Kirby as he sat on Popo licking all the food on the ground. "Hey! Is my food finished, maids?"

"Why, Hack, why?" Popo moaned. "Why am I Alicia..."

"Alicia is Presea's sister, and Nana is acting as Presea so you're her sibling. It fits perfectly with your personality!" replied Kirby.

Scene: Toad Town (Outside Zelda's house)

Zelda came out of the door. "It's you two…" she muttered. "Was that yelling you, Link?"

"Please don't bring that up again…" Link whispered. "I still feel the pain right now…"

"Oh yeah! Zelda! I brought you a present!" Ness cried. He took out a pan of cookies out of nowhere.

"Ew… cookies… Why cookies?" asked Zelda. "I don't want to grow fat, you know!"

"I'm following the script for once, not murdering all male human enemies with my nut-cracker," Ness replied as he shoved the cookies into Zelda's hands.

"Meh… So you have a present?" Zelda asked Link.

"Why would I? I can't make a necklace if my life depended on it!"

"You're a dwarf's son, Link…" Ness sighed. "You're supposed to be a crafting genius…"

"Shut up! Who's the dwarf Dirk anyways?"

"We'll find out soon enough."

Marth came out.

"Hey! We can guard Zel too, right? I'm her boyfriend!" Link exclaimed.

Marth shook his head. "I love this role… You can't. This isn't a field trip, you know."

"You were supposed to say that when we first met you…" Ness shook his head.

"Shut up! Well you can't, only Peach and I are guarding Zelda. Go home," said Marth.

"Whatever…" Link mumbled. "Let's go, Ness."

The pair left the area and reached the entrance of Toad Town.

"We're leaving the town right now," said Link.

The two Toad guards ran up to Link. "HELP! HELP! THERE'S A MONSTER AT THE ENTRANCE!!!!" one of them cried, clutching to Link's legs in fear.

Ness looked up to see a brown horse with a beautiful white mane and a fluffy brown saddle: Link's horse, Epona (aka Noishe).

"What… You're… scared… of… a… horse…" Link said, pausing between each word. "…I can't fucking believe it."

The two toads ran away in fear of Link.

"Eh, why are you following me anyways?" asked Link.

"I'm stopping en route to your house," Ness replied. "Well we might as well go through the nearby forest…" He took out the script. "Forever Forest? I'm guessing that in a Mario game, there's a forest called Forever Forest next to Toad Town…"

You guessed it, it's from Paper Mario! Oh boy, they both are going to be suffering a dungeon that wasn't even in the Tales of Symphonia game…

"Excuse me?" Link raised an eyebrow. "Suffering a dungeon that wasn't in the original game?"

Hey, you can't read this stuff! It's confidential!

"But it's put there in plain English," replied Ness.

Gah! This chapter's over! Shut up, Ness! I hate you!

"Heh heh!" Ness smiled.