Chapter 4

Her head was in the toilet again, she knew something wasn't right, she was never sick, she never had time off work, but these past few days, the toilet had been her best friend. She thought of everything, what she ate, bugs that got passed around, what she drank, she knew she was lying to herself though. This was a different kind of sickness. A sickness she had seen in her sister before she had disappeared the first time.

In her medical cupboard, she kept everything, she was a nurse. It took everything for her to go in and get what she needed. Took even more too actually do it. She sat at her kitchen table, the test out in front of her. Her mind was racing. She read the results, didn't believe them. Read them again. She knew the result was right, it was her fourth one. She knew she was kidding to herself about what it said. But it scared her. Of course it scared her. She couldn't get rid of it, she didn't believe in that; it would change everything for her. How would she even support herself?

What scared her the most was whether it would be evil, like its father. What if he found out? She couldn't stay with Juice. Not now. She had to leave. He didn't even know what happened that night didn't even know what his beloved Jax had done. She couldn't stay here. She has to go now.

Shit.

She poured the bottle of wine she had opened the previous night down the sink along with the pregnancy test.

"What's changed?" it was the next morning. Juice had come around. She had made him a coffee, kissed him on the cheek, kept her distance from him. She couldn't bring herself to look at him. Instead she just told him it wasn't working out. She hasn't happy.

What's changed? Everything has.

"Nothing has changed."

"Well something obviously has."

"I'm just saying Juice; I've not been with anyone for a long time for a reason. I don't think I want this commitment."

"Fuck, are you dumping me? Already?"

"No, of course not. Just hear me out." She places a hand to her forehead, this was harder than she imagined, he wasn't supposed to be fighting for her. "I don't know what I'm trying to say."

"What about the other night, what about the times I've stayed? The time we've spent together? Was it all a big act?"

"No. I just don't believe you know me that well. I think this is going to quick, I mean, the other night, it was just playful flirting." The hurt on his face is cutting through her, but she's got to do this. "I'm just looking for something different to a typical relationship. I'm not very committed to anything and I think the way things are going, you're going to expect too much from me. I still want to see you…"

"So that's it? I can still see you, but I can't expect anything from you? Are you ever going to be committed?"

"I'm not that type of girl. This isn't the right time in my life."

"So say I keep coming round, I keep coming to see you, how can I be sure by the end of the week, you won't be bored of me? Or that you won't change your mind about this?"

"Well that's what I'm trying to say when I say you don't really know me Juice. I don't want you to expect that the person you've been with these past few weeks is me I can be very different. I am different."

"What, the person I spoke to you, it wasn't you?"

"Of course it was, but it's part of me, what I don't want is that we rush into this and then suddenly we clash or we fall out, which I find likely because it happens with everyone I come into contact with. My family, my friends. Why do you think I'm alone?"

"But then why should I have to risk waking up every morning, coming to see you every day, getting close to you, knowing you could just up and leave one day."

"I won't do that Juice; I won't just be like 'oh hey fuck him.' I'm not that messed up."

"But there's a chance you could just fuck off right? That you will just leave, or refuse to see me?"

"I want to say no, but I can't."

"Fuck!" He slams his fist off the kitchen bench, grabs a glass close to him and shatters it off the wall. She flinches back, edging towards the back door. "Why would you do that Violet?"

"Because, I don't know my head is fucking messed. I'm fucked up." It's the first true words she's spoken this morning.

"So I have to sit around trying to get to know you, fall in love with you, then wait till you fuck off?"

"I don't think it's going to be that way, I'm just saying from experience, don't expect it not too. Plus,

I'm not asking you to come around, I'm not asking to you make a commitment, just do what you want." She throws her hands to her side, indicating the direction of the door. He ignores the door and instead steps right up to her. He leans his forehead against her own, his voice is angry, but his eyes sad.

"Oh so it's my fault? What do you even want from me? Seriously?"

"I don't know." Her voice is a whisper; she can't stand him this close. She can't do this anymore. She pushes him away heading for the kitchen again, her back stays towards him. He follows after her.

"You can't talk and behave the way you have these past few weeks then say you might fuck off that's not fair." She spins around, feeling tears on her face now. For the first time, her voice raises,

"I was expecting it to slow down! Why are you reacting like this? It's not like we've been together a long time! It's not like we were in love! I'm just trying to be open with you about the fact I'm not happy about this anymore."

"Now, you're being open with me? Few weeks too fucking late. And yeah, maybe the word love gets chucked around too much, doesn't mean anything to cold heart bitches like you. But Violet. In time, I would have loved you; I would have loved you forever."

"That's not fucking fair! You remember why we got talking again." It's his time to look guilty. "You fucking remember! Get out!" it was a low blow, but she had to do it. She had to make him leave, and he did. He slammed the door behind him without a word. It wasn't until the sound of his bike faded did she take a seat at the kitchen table and let go of her composition. She had never cried as much since that night.

She had already had to change into scrubs after vomiting down her uniform, but she was determined to see her first day back out. She couldn't afford to stay off from work, not now not while she's planning to leave. Another trip to the toilets had her leaning against the wall outside her ward. She was trying to hide it, knew they would send her home if they saw anything. She seen Chibs sitting on one of the chairs before he seen her.

"What are you doing here?" She asks him, exhausted.

"I think we need to talk about Juice lass."

"We need to talk about nothing."

"You're not looking well. Why don't I take you home?" She shakes her head, starts walking for the doors.

"They know I'm taking you home, I told them you were ill. Got your stuff here." He holds up her jacket and bag. "Your friend Sarah got it out the locker for me said she hopes you get better soon." She followed him out, she didn't want to fight, nor could she. She didn't like the way he mentioned Sarah's name, and didn't want him to see anything was wrong either. She even let him drive, she didn't trust herself. Not the way she was feeling. Once they arrived back at her house did he speak to her again. Removing his sunglasses, he placed them on the small table beside the sofa, turning to face her as she sat awkwardly in her arm chair.

"You look like shit." His Scottish accent made it sound harsher than she think he wanted it too. She still replied quietly, flicking a los strand of hair behind her ear,

"Thank you." It was only when she looked away towards the kitchen, she realised someone had been there. Papers had been misplaced. The shattered glass she had refused to clean up was gone. And the pregnant test she knew she had thrown away was sitting on the kitchen bench. She snapped her gaze back at him. "Have you been here?" He just shrugged. Looked almost proud of himself.

"You broke into my place while I was away?"

"I spoke to Juice, heard what you said, knew something wasn't right with you lass. He's all torn up. You've broke his heart."

"Screw you, you can't just break into my house, go through my stuff."

"Ah." His finger points towards the kitchen, "I came across THAT by mistake." He pauses, lets her process it, "is that why you broke it off with Juice?"

"None of your fucking business. Please leave." She stands up, patting herself down, glaring at him, trying to intimidate him.

"Unless you've been around, but you don't come across as that kind of lass."

"I'm not. Now leave."

"I can't."

"Why?"

"Because I'm worried for you. I'm worried I'm involved in something that is much bigger than I think. Whose is it?"

It hasn't even been 2 days and he knows. She knows he knows. She bites down on her lips to stop the tears; she's not going to cry. Not again, she's sick of crying.

"I never slept with Juice. So that leaves one other person." She sits herself back down, "But I didn't sleep with him either. Not by choice anyway." She lets that linger between them, lets him know that he's partly to blame for that night. "Why didn't you stop him?"

"I couldn't."

"You could! I wouldn't have said anything; I wouldn't have spoken of Opie. You know I wouldn't have."

"You ran. He had to make a point."

"And look at his fucking point!" But he won't look at her. Instead he leans forward, placing his elbow on his knees and stares ahead.

"You can't let him find out. He can never know."

"I know that."

"But you can't leave. He will get someone to check up on you regularly. He will find out your pregnant. Wherever you go, there will be someone keeping an eye on you."

"I'll move, continuously, I won't stay in one place too long."

"It won't work."

"Then what will Chibs?! What am I supposed to do?"

"Go back to Juice."

"I can't go back to him."

"These past few weeks, I've never seen the young lad happier. There must have been something between you."

"He doesn't know what Jax did. What can I do about this?" She looks down to her stomach.

"You know what. You're not stupid Violet. Make it right." She didn't say goodbye to him when he stood up to leave. Didn't acknowledge him when he said he'd be back. She tried to imagine herself a few months ago. She never had visitors, she never had problems or conflict and she liked that.

She waited for it to get dark before setting off, even made an effort to brush her hair.

Pulling up outside his house, she could see him in the garage working on his bike. He stopped when he seen her. They didn't greet one another, they just stared before she stepped forward and wrapped her arms around his neck. He didn't pull away or deny her, so she kissed him then took his hand into her own and led him inside.