Damn Everything But the Circus
Chapter 4

Gill slept more deeply than he had in a long time that night. It was odd, since he'd just made one of the most bizarre choices ever, but it was a definite decision, and the relief guided him into deep slumber. Finally, he would be escaping from the odd state of suspension he'd been in ever since he'd found Akari with his father. His life, which had been taking on a somewhat surreal cast, was becoming more real. Even it was crazy for a mayor's son to be joining a circus, he was at least doing something.

He'd mapped out his plan before bed: he would first go to Akari's house to pick up his things – early in the morning, so there would be no chance of catching her – and then he would walk back to his father's house and say goodbye. That would leave him enough time to unpack what few necessary items he would require from the boxes and stash the rest in the Ocarina Inn's storage house.

He had to enlist someone to help him carry boxes, though, and the only ones who woke up at such an ungodly hour – besides maybe the town fortuneteller, and he was out of the question – were the children. He'd encountered Paolo as he was walking home the night before; the child had been chasing after a stray cat and tumbled right at his feet.

"Oof. Sorry, Mister," Paolo groaned, scrambling upright. "Oh, hi, Gill!" he said brightly, upon recognizing the mayor's son. "What are you doing out so late?"

Gill raised his eyebrows. "I should ask you the same question."

"Nuh-uh, I asked you first!"

"A lot of adults are outside this late at night. You, on the other hand, should be in bed."

"Yeah, but I was trying to catch – " Paolo's eyes widened as he realized his mistake. "Aw, man, she got away!"

"Why were you chasing a cat in the first place?"

Paolo scowled a little. "I was writing a letter to my aunt on the mainland, but then the cat snuck up behind me and stole it! That letter took me forever to write…" He sighed, thin shoulders sagging. "I guess I'll just have to write it over again."

Gill glanced towards the rooftop of the Choral Clinic, where the cat was sitting almost smugly with the paper in its mouth. "Tell you what," he said. "If I help you get your letter back from that cat, will you help me out with something tomorrow morning?"

Paolo practically jumped for joy. "Yeah, sure! How are you going to get it back?" His mouth opened in a round "o" of recognition when he spotted the object in Gill's hand. "Hey, the Animal Whistle! I've seen Akari use that before!"

Gill, who had been raising the little yellow whistle to his lips, stopped. Shocked by Paolo's words, he was unprepared for the sudden memory that assaulted him, potent as poison in his veins.

Akari's cat, Ginger, was a temperamental little creature with a bite as sharp as the spice that she shared her name with. Gill, knowing that he would have to get along with all of Akari's extended animal "family" if he wanted to spend his life with her, had made several attempts to approach the cat, but every time he did, she ran away. If he pursued her, she would hiss and spit and swipe at his hand.

Akari thought it was hilarious. "It's a good thing you're dating me and not her," she commented one day as Gill sat at the kitchen table, bandaging his recently-clawed hand and scowling. "Otherwise you'd be in big trouble."

"I can't live here if that little hell-cat is here too," Gill grumbled. "She climbs into the bed when we're both asleep and sits on my face. I think she's trying to suffocate me."

Akari fairly howled with laughter, grabbing onto the counter to support herself. Gill waited, somewhat miffed, for her to regain her composure.

She did eventually, wiping a few tears of mirth from the corners of her eyes. "Well, we can't have that happening," she said cheerily. "But I can't throw my cat out just so you can have some peace of mind. So let me help you make friends with her."

She patted at her pockets. "Where is it…where is it…aha!" Triumphantly, she drew out the object she had been looking for – a small yellow whistle. "This is the answer to all your problems!"

Gill's eyebrows rose. "A child's toy?"

Akari pouted. "No! This is the Animal Whistle! Animals like the sound of it. I actually used this to train Ginger to do tricks."

Gill's eyebrows rose even further, looking as though they were in danger of disappearing completely into his hairline. "I've never seen Ginger do any tricks at all." Indeed, that cat – in addition to being more prone to constant PMS than any human female he'd ever known – was incredibly lazy. All she did was sleep in the sun all day!

A slight flush stained Akari's cheeks. "Well, it's kind of hard," she said defensively. "Cats aren't really meant to do tricks…but she's learning! Anyway, if you use the whistle, you could probably attract her to you. But don't do it outside, otherwise you'll have all kinds of wild things coming down on you."

She held the whistle out to Gill, who took it hesitantly. "Thanks…? I'll give it back to you later."

"No worries; I've pretty much made friends with all the animals on the island. Keep it! Maybe you'll need it again someday." She leaned to kiss him, her lips petal-soft against his –

"Gill? Hey, Gill!"

He blinked, momentarily lost. "Huh?"

Paolo gave him a weird look. "Wow, you really spaced out there. What's up?"

Gill shook the last vestiges of the memory from his mind. "N-Nothing. Just…remembering something."

"Must've been something bad. You had a really weird look on your face." Paolo worked his features into an approximation of Gill's expression. Gill had to fight off a wince. He really hope he didn't look like that – it was embarrassing.

"It wasn't…bad, just…sudden." He shook his head. "Nevermind. Do you want me to call the cat down?"

"Yeah!"

Gill set the whistle to his lips and blew once, gently. The cat's ears perked up and she leapt down from the rooftop to land lithely a few feet away. He blew it again and she approached cautiously, padding softly on dainty paws. He knelt very slowly and held out a hand; the cat sniffed his fingers, deemed him acceptable, and allowed him to pet her.

He scratched her between the ears and, while she was distracted, gently slid the letter from her jaws. The cat hardly noticed, she was purring so loudly. He held the letter out to an astonished Paolo. "Here."

"Wow, that was amazing!"

Gill shrugged and stood; the cat looked up at him disappointedly. "Shoo," he said to her, and she walked away disdainfully, haughty as any queen. "Why did she want the letter in the first place?"

"Oh…" Paolo looked embarrassed. "I was kind of eating my dinner when I was writing it and spilled a little on the corner. I guess she thought it was food." He stuffed the letter in a back pocket and clapped his hands together. "Anyway, thanks a bunch! What was it you wanted me to help you with?"

"I need some help moving boxes very early tomorrow morning. Can you wake up at five-thirty, or is that too early?"

"That's no problem! Sometimes I even wake up earlier, just to see the sun rise!"

Gill blinked; he could not fathom why anyone would ever want to get up so early for no reason other than to watch the sunrise. "Okay…then meet me outside the Ocarina Inn tomorrow morning. And…" He hesitated a beat, and then continued. "Don't tell anyone, alright? It's not a big secret, but I rather no one knew about this."

Paolo looked up at him with an open, trusting expression. "No worries, you can count on me! I'll see you tomorrow!" And he ran off, leaving Gill standing in the middle of the road. He stared after Paolo for a moment, then turned back to walk towards the Inn.

As promised, Paolo met him outside the Inn, fresh and beaming in spite of the early hour. "Morning, Gill!"

Gill rubbed a hand across his eyes. He disliked waking up this early, and after having the only good sleep he'd had in a while, he was disinclined to leave his bed. "Good morning." He stifled a yawn with one hand, then started off down the street. Paolo fell into step beside him.

"So, where are we going?"

"To A – " He had to swallow hard before saying the name. "To Akari's farm."

"Oh. Why are you getting stuff from there?"

Gill searched for a plausible answer, but eventually just settled on the truth. "I'm…moving out."

"Oh. You were living with her before?"

"Yes, but not now."

"Did you run away?"

Gill thought he'd misheard. "What?"

"Well, sometimes pets run away…or kids…" Paolo considered this for a moment. "I guess it doesn't work with older people, though."

Gill really had nothing to say to this. They continued on in silence for a moment, then Paolo piped up again. "Toby's thinking about moving out."

"Oh?" It wasn't that much of a surprise – the other young man spent so much time outdoors he might as well be a hobo anyway.

"Yeah. I think it's because of Renee."

So the two had made up. At least someone was going to have a happy ending. Gill only wished, with the slightest bit of bitterness, that it was him and not Toby.

"He went to go find the blue feather yesterday, but he was looking for a ring to buy her as a present too. I went with him to the Accessory Shop – he was so lost. Toby might know a lot about fish, but he definitely doesn't know anything about rocks!" Paolo giggled, the peals of laughter echoing off the hills around them. "It's a good thing Mira and Julius were there, otherwise we might have been stuck in the shop forever!"

"So they're getting married." A sharp pang lanced through his heart – it wasn't important, exactly, but until recently, he'd thought he would be the first out of their age group to be married.

Paolo didn't seem to notice. "I guess so…Dad did some crazy whooping when Renee showed him her ring. You know he used to yodel? Not that weird cowboy yodeling…but Dad says if you do it the right way, the fish will swim to you."

Ozzie was a weird one, Gill decided. No wonder he'd sometimes seen the older man whooping while casting out with his fishing rod. "I'll…keep that in mind."

Paolo raised his eyebrows in a curiously adult manner. "Don't. It doesn't work."

By this time, they'd arrived at the road leading up to Akari's farmhouse. Sure enough, there were three boxes, stacked atop each other by the door. Suddenly feeling shaky and nervous, Gill took a few steps forward…then stopped in his tracks.

Akari hadn't been exaggerating, he thought mistily, looking about him. The farm really was falling apart.

He had only been gone for a week, but when he had left, Akari's small farmplot had been bursting with vibrant color, yielding plump fruits, crisp vegetables, and brilliant flowers. The animals had been fat, happy creatures, tamed under Akari's expert care – even Obsidian, the cantankerous ostrich, had eventually become docile enough to ride. Her small farmland had been the picture of prosperous growth, a symbol of life returning to the island.

Now, however, it was all gone. The crops were withered, drooping excuses for plants, while the trees had dropped most of their leaves, leaving only naked branches behind. Gone were the beautiful flowers; only weeds covered the dried earth. A scrawny chicken pecked halfheartedly among the decaying plant life, occasionally letting out a despairing coo. After a moment of staring, Gill managed to identify the pathetic animal as Snowbell, three-time first place winner at the Animal Festival and queen of the coop. Now her glossy feathers were dull and bedraggled, her intelligent eyes hungry and dumb.

Oh, how far the mighty have fallen.

Snowbell raised her head as Gill approached the house. She let out a quiet squawk which Gill largely ignored; he was looking for any signs of life within the farmhouse. It was too early even for Akari – the notorious morning person – to be awake, but he would rather not have to speak to her now, especially seeing the state of her once-beautiful farm. He beckoned to Paolo (who had fallen silent, cowed by the ghost-town quality of the farm), and the two of them gathered the boxes together.

"What's wrong with her farm?" Paolo whispered to Gill. "Last time I checked, this place was amazing."

"The land's going back to the way it was before," Gill replied grimly. Paolo's eyes widened and he almost dropped the box in his hands.

"You mean…before Akari arrived? Before everything got better?"

Gill didn't want to worry the child, but he'd already spoken the truth. There was no help for it now. "Yes, that's right."

Paolo stared at him. To his horror, Gill saw tears gathering in the corners of the child's eyes. "But…why?"

"Because I made a lot of mistakes," said a feminine voice. Paolo jumped, nearly dropping the box again. Gill felt his spine stiffen.

Out of the corner of his eye, he could see Akari looking at him. "You can go ahead, Paolo," Akari told him gently. "I'll help Gill with the boxes. I'd like to talk to him anyway."

Paolo hesitated, looking between the two adults. It was only when Gill gave him a curt nod that Paolo set down the box and started off down the road, looking over his shoulder at them every few steps. Gill watched him go.

"Gill." Akari sounded unbelievably tired, as though the events of the night before had drained her of all energy. "Would you like to come inside?"

"I have to leave soon," he muttered, still not looking at her. "And I haven't finished packing."

In all honesty, he didn't think he could handle another exchange like the one he'd experienced the day before. He was too tired, to emotionally drained, to fight off Akari's pleas once again. Luckily, his ex-fiancé didn't seem to have enough life left in her to rouse into passion. She sighed, and he heard her clothing rustle as she shifted.

"I'll only take a minute of your time," she said, voice slightly hoarse. She was almost unnaturally calm, especially compared to her demeanor the night before. "I had a feeling you'd be leaving too. I…I just wanted to say goodbye."

Gill's head whipped around and he stared at her. Akari looked at him, brown eyes wide in her pale face. There was no resistance in her expression, only acceptance.

"After you left last night," she said quietly, "I went home and cried my eyes out for hours. I don't really know what I was expecting when I found you, really. Maybe that you'd forgive me and take me back and we'd be the same as before. It was a stupid thing to think, I guess."

Gill found himself reaching towards her bowed head, as if to stroke her hair, to comfort her. He just barely managed to restrain himself and jerked his hand back, folding his arms to make sure such a thing would not happen again.

"After I finished crying," Akari continued tonelessly, "I sat outside for a while. And you know, I got to thinking." She twisted her hands together. "I've been working with animals for a long time, Gill, and I know how they work. They're a lot like people in a way – they can only take so much abuse, and there's a point when they can't take anymore and everything just explodes out. They kick, they bite, sometimes they even try to kill. But animals are different from humans in one way: they don't forgive."

She looked up at him then, eyes shining with misty light. "It makes sense, doesn't it?" she said softly. "If a snake bites you, you're not about to go make friends with it, are you? Especially if it's poisonous. You'll try to get rid of it, kill it so that it doesn't hurt anyone else." She spread her arms wide. "That's what the land's doing to me. If not even the earth will accept me any more, why in the world did I think you would?"

Though her voice was shaking now, her eyes remained dry. She sniffed once, looked out across her desolate farm. "Poor Snowbell," she said softly, looking at the hen scratching among the dying corn. "She's the only one left. I had to sell all the others, but Snowbell wouldn't stay in the coop at Horn Ranch. She kept coming back." She rubbed at one cheek hard, leaving red streaks on her skin. "She just doesn't know when to give up." This was said in a very small voice, so faint that Gill almost did not hear her.

He took a deep breath. "Will you be leaving the island?"

Her eyes flickered to him. "Yeah. In a few days, probably. I need to get some paperwork filled out and delivered to your fath – to Mayor Hamilton." Neither of them acknowledged her slip, though the awkwardness of it hung in the air between them like a physical presence. "Then…I'll go back to the mainland."

She was rummaging in her pocket for something. "Here," she said, holding out something small that glimmered in the light of the sunrise. "This belongs to you."

He took the engagement ring from her; their fingers brushed and their eyes met, and suddenly he was holding her, embracing her small frame tight against his chest as though he never wanted to let go. He heard the shuddering of her breath; she was crying now.

"I'm sorry, Gill," she muffled into his shirt. "T-This is all my fault. I-If I'd learned from my mistakes…if I were a better person, the land would still be safe and you'd still be here with me." One small, callused hand came up to fist in the material of his shirt. "I had everything…and I messed it all up." A shaky exhale, a desperate inhale. "I'm such a t-terrible person."

Gill surprised himself by saying, "No." Because despite all that had happened, Akari was still one of the most vibrant, caring people he'd ever met. She'd brought the island back from destitution, and she'd made him more happy than he'd ever been in his life – and that was why her betrayal could hurt so much, because he could not find it within himself to condemn a person he had loved so much and so deeply.

He closed his eyes, breathing in the faint, sweet smell of her for what he knew would be the last time. "You brought hope back to the island," he said quietly. "No terrible person could have done what you did."

She stilled in his arms. Gill gently released her, stepping back a few feet. She looked at him with the familiar amber eyes he thought he'd be waking up to for the rest of his life. In his mind, he was already bidding farewell, though his heart was torn between leaving and staying. But he couldn't stay; their relationship was already too broken for that.

"Thank you, Akari," he said, simply and meaningfully. "I…" He cleared his throat, started again. "I wish you the best of luck."

Akari pressed her hands against her cheeks and stared at him for a long while, eyes searching his face as though committing his features to memory. Then she closed her eyes, lashes glimmering with tears. "Goodbye," she whispered, so faintly that he almost did not hear her.

He picked up his belongings, balancing the boxes atop each other with some difficulty, and walked away. He didn't look back, because he thought that if he saw that broken and lost look in her eyes again, he would not be able to leave her.

A/N: Whew, that was a doozy! That'll probably be the last we see of Akari for a long while, if not for the entire fic. I dunno, I don't really like writing the Gill/Akari scenes, just because they're both such unhappy people now and their relationship is so screwed up. I hope it was plausible…if not, tell me what I can do to improve! Emotional displays make me uncomfortable, even when writing, so I try to steer away from them. But this is an emotional story (though it'll get less so, I promise; it just seems super emo-angsty now), so I'm just going to have to suck it up.

WOW RANT OK.

In case I didn't emphasize it enough, Gill does NOT hate Akari. Often it is the people we love who hurt us the most, and yet we can't find it within ourselves to despise them for it. Sigh. Humans are strange creatures, that's for sure…

See you next chapter, when Gill FINALLY leaves the island (and the backstory ends and the "adventure" part of this story begins! With possible romance, teehee).

P.S. I hate to do this, but PLEASE REVIEW. I mean, I know people are reading this because of the hit count this story has, but I'd like to know what you guys think! Even just a "yay" or "nay" as to whether you like it is good enough for me! Thanks!