Disclaimer:
Hi everyone. I'm Max English, better known as Amaxing, actually known as… well; I don't want any stalkers coming to my house. (Points at screen) yes, I mean you. Jerk.
Anyway, the reason I'm interrupting this disclaimer is to pay homage to the guy who makes such high-quality, always changing disclaimers possible. Ladies and gentleman, please welcome…SKYLER!
(Price Is Right music plays, blue-haired disclaimer writer bodysurfs through crowd and lands on stage).
"Thank you! Thank you, everyone!" Skyler said, sighing in ecstasy. "To be honest, I can't think of anything I'd rather have done with the last one and a half years of my life than write disclaimers like this one for AFFI." He cleared his throat, and presented his latest work of art.
Disclaimer: Friends, fellows, countrymen! Lend me to your ears! I come to write about Haruhi, not to own her!
(Crowd cheers exuberantly.) "Thank you! Thank you!" Skyler beamed. "And now, we should all pay homage to Amaxing, who's finally decided to give me a last name!"
"Who told you that?" Max asked. "I never said that."
"But…" Skyler stuttered. "Then what is this…"
"ACTION!"
It's foolproof! Unfortunately, we're inferior to fools.
Nuclear warheads, heat-seeking missiles, beasts with many horns and crowns, black holes, environmental collapse, fan fiction… over the years, people have posed many theories as to what will cause the end of the world. Heck, some people are crazy enough to name a high school girl as the cause.
I say crazy, but then again, they're probably wiser than the rest.
If you asked me, however, I could tell you exactly what's going to cause the end of the world. While a nuclear warhead, an alien invasion, or the wrath of God (Or should I say Haruhi?) may accomplish the actual destruction, the main trigger will be a misunderstanding. It's as simple as that.
Why do I say this, you ask? How would I know, you ask? How does this have anything to do with the story, you ask? Why am I asking so many rhetorical questions, you ask? Stop asking. Just read.
"Ack! What are you doing?" Came Kunikida's voice from the other side of the door. "I'm pretty sure we're supposed to stick it in there."
"Ah!" Mikuru gasped. "I don't think so… I-it's not supposed to hurt like that…"
"Sure it is" Kunikida assured her. "You think this is the first time I've done something like this?"
"Well… yeah" Mikuru giggled (giggled!) "You don't exactly seem very confident…"
"Oh, just hush and let me take over."
"Well… alright… if you think you can do better…"
"STOP!" Kyon yelled, bursting down the door. You could probably guess what I was thinking. Heck, you were probably thinking it yourself, pervert.
"Ah!" Kunikida yelled, blocking Mikuru from view as best he could. "H-hey, man, what's…"
"It's ok" Mikuru said softly. "He… already knows."
Already knows what? That you have a star-shaped mole on your chest? That better not be the answer, or I'll…
Kunikida sighed, and relaxed. "You already knew about this, and you never told me?" He asked. "Kyon, this is huge! This is the kind of thing you tell a friend, man."
"What does Kyon already know?" Kyon asked angrily. "What does Kyon already know?"
"About this" Kunikida said, holding up something that looked like an oversized wristwatch. "A device for the traversing of nonlinear quantum planes, synchronized perfectly with a device for the movement of matter across linear spatial planes!" He shook his head. "You were sitting on this, and yet you acted as if nothing was happening? You really should take up acting, Kyon."
… You're not related to Nagato, are you Kunikida?
"My time traveling device" Mikuru explained before Kyon asked.
"Uh…" Kyon grunted. "Wait, you told Kunikida that you're from the future? Wha…why? Isn't that against the rules or something?"
"Oh!" Mikuru gasped. "I suppose it might be… I never thought of that…" she looked down at the ground. "I just needed someone to fix it…."
Kyon blinked. "And… Nagato couldn't?"
She flushed. "Maybe… but…"
You're still scared of Nagato? After all this time? You probably need a lot more work on this whole 'outgoing' thing.
"You see…" Mikuru blushed more. "I decided that, when I saw Ms. Suzumiya's resolution thing, that I'd try to get more authorization from the future… that way, I'd be able to do more…" She shook her head cutely. "But, if I keep going to Ms. Yuki whenever something goes wrong, they'll know… and they won't consider me ready."
"So you told Kunikida, because they don't know about him?"
She nodded. "That's right! Kunikida here isn't considered important enough for observation…ah!" She gasped, realizing how incredibly insulting that was. "Sorry, Kunikida, it's not that…"
"Sorry for what?" Kunikida asked, completely immersed in tinkering with the time-traveling device.
"N… nothing…" Mikuru smiled.
"Psssst! Kyon!" came a whisper from the hallway. You know, even if it sounds like your whispering, people will still hear you if you don't talk any quieter.
Kyon sighed. "I have to go check on… my occipital lobe" he lied lamely. "Tell Haruhi I'll be back after I make sure I don't need my insulin."
"Kyon!" Mikuru gasped, concerned. "You don't…" she began to tear up. "You're not diabetic, are you?"
"What's that about Wilford Brimley?" Kunikida asked.
"No!" Kyon assured her. Please don't cry! Your crying, if shown on national television, would cause the national suicide rate to increase exponentially! "It's a special kind of insulin… for occipital lobes…" he fumbled. "If I don't take it, the worst that can happen… is… getting a rash."
"I am not being rash, I know exactly what I'm doing!" Kunikida asserted.
Mikuru stared at Kyon for a minute, and then smiled mischievously. "What are you really doing, Kyon-kun?"
Kyon thought for a minute, and then put a finger up to his lips. "That's classified!" he teased, and then ducked out of the room. He walked down the hall, turned the corner, and saw Koizumi leaning against the wall. His smile was as big as ever, but his eyes screamed: 'Nervous is my middle name! Call me Itsuki Nervous Koizumi!' Wow. I never thought Koizumi's showing emotion would result in his looking so creepy. And what on earth is with my using gerunds all of a sudden? "You remember the plan, right?" Kyon asked.
"As if I could forget" Koizumi smiled. "You're going to plant it in Ms. Suzumiya's mind that you and Kunikida could easily beat her and Ms. Asahina in a three-legged race." He smiled wider, trying to hide his nerves. "Then, when the four of you are out in the field racing, I'll take advantage of being alone with Nagato and…" he paused. He chuckled, and struck an over exaggerated pose. "And… what should I do then?"
"I don't know." Kyon shrugged. "Confess? Say that her eyes are 'deeper than the depths of space itself, and infinite times more inviting?'" He paused. Have I heard that somewhere before, or am I just that good? He shrugged again. "I don't know, I hardly have experience with the subject as it is."
Koizumi chuckled again, but it had a nervous quality to it. "Perhaps, as the normal human being, I should wait for you to master this before…"
"Oh no" Kyon interrupted. You're not getting out of it that easy pal! "Now that I've gone through the trouble of setting this up, there's no way I'm letting you back out now."
Koizumi's smile widened. "You're a good friend, Kyon. This plan is practically foolproof." He placed a hand on Kyon's shoulder. "If there's ever anything I can do for you…"
"You can remove the hand." Lord knows, there's enough moments out there that support yaoi…
"Fair enough" Koizumi laughed.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Mikuru's scream echoed across the hallway, causing both SOS brigade members to dash hurriedly into the clubroom. Before they could enter, however, they were knocked over by a large, brutish man, dressed in primitive clothes and carrying a large axe.
What the hell? Tell me Kunikida's just insanely good at cosplay… actually don't tell me that. I really need to stop thinking these things.
"Huh… that's probably not how it was supposed to go…" Kunikida said, tapping the time traveling device gently with his finger. Kyon glanced around the room fervently and, after seeing that Mikuru was ok (albeit lying on the floor in a quivering mass), turned on Kunikida.
"WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?" he yelled, uncharacteristically angry.
"If my knowledge of history serves me right…" Koizumi mused, scratching his chin. "That was probably Attila the Hun, right?"
"I think so…" Kunikida nodded. "It's weird though… I could have sworn that, with the quantum circuits running the way they are right now, we would have gone to the past… not the other way around…"
"This is serious!" Kyon yelled, rushing towards Mikuru and gripping her tightly. "There's a murderous Mongol running around, and you're concerned as to why the TPDD didn't work the way you wanted it to?"
"How are we going to send him back if I can't get this working?" Kunikida replied nonchalantly, still tinkering with the device.
"Kyon-kun…" Mikuru said softly. "He… he's right…" She picked herself up off the floor, and looked straight at him. "What we should be doing now… is trying to capture Mr. Hun, so we can send him back…" And even though I was boiling over with anger a few minutes ago, I suddenly feel like everything is right with the world! What a panacea Asahina-san's face is!
"Alright…" Kyon said, thinking quickly. "Kunikida, you, Ms. Asahina, and I will go after Attila. Koizumi…" I think I'm worthy of congratulating for thinking this quickly. "You stay here and explain our absence to Haruhi if she comes in before we get back, understood?"
Koizumi smiled broadly, and nodded. "Yes sir." All right then! Haruhi will probably come looking for us when she sees we're gone, so the 'alone in the room' plan is still golden!
"I'll come too" came a monotone voice from behind them.
(Sigh) That's what I get for counting my chickens before they hatch.
"My data-manipulation powers will most certainly be an asset in both the location and incarceration of the time anomaly." She says in front of Kunikida, as if he already knows. If I remember correctly, I wasn't pulled into the loop this quickly!
"Erm… Nagato…" Kyon fumbled. "While you're probably right…erm…"
"We can't allow Mr. Hun to be affected in any way," Mikuru said quickly. Nice save. Though I suppose that might just be protocol. "If we were to over-stimulate his senses, his entire mindset could change, and history could be completely rewritten!" She said with a look of cute desperation on her face.
"I'll be careful" she replied, and began to glide towards the direction Attila had run.
Kyon sighed. "Ok then…" he said. "Well then, seeing as we have Nagato now…" Convincing lie… convincing lie… "Kunikida, Ms. Asahina, on second thought, it's probable better if you stay her and try to fix the TPDD… just don't let Haruhi see it." The absolutely terrible, horrible, things that could happen if she could go back in time… "Koizumi, come with me."
The three other brigade members nodded, and began to set about their tasks. Ok then. As much as I hate leaving Ms. Asahina and Kunikida alone in the same room, things should still work out this way. Since I know what's going on, I can easily duck out and leave the two of them alone… it's foolproof! Kyon, my man, you've really done it this time! … Oh great, I'm even calling myself Kyon now. Damn it, that's not my name! Its…
"Whatever you're searching for, I'm coming too, got it!"
Kyon turned hurriedly, and was quickly smacked across the face by an overexcited brigade leader. "Well? Is it something mysterious? A time traveler, maybe? Or an alien that crawled out of Mikuru-chan's teapot? Or a cyber-being that materialized when the computer was turned on? What are we looking for?"
Damn it! I already used up my convincing lie for the day!
"Kyon's cousin Atlas from Mongolia is visiting, but he got lost on the way to school." Koizumi said. He gave a huge yawn, and followed it up with a smile. "It'll probably be unbearably boring, as there aren't many places he could be…"
"What are you talking about?" Haruhi yelled enthusiastically. "Helping people with their problems is what the SOS brigade is all about! And since charity begins at home, what better way to spend a meeting than by helping one of our members?" She bounced up and down on the balls of her feet. "Let's go! Let's go! Atlas could be halfway across the world by now!"
So wait. Ms. Asahina and Kunikida left in a room together alone, a savage Hun running around the town, and Haruhi now having an insanely good chance of seeing said Hun, thereby proving to her the existence of time travelers and… oh, my head. It'd be really evil to leave this kind of situation in a cliffhanger. Unfortunately, that's exactly what's going to happen.
-
Dun Dun DUUUUUUUN! And now we've added Attila the Hun to the SOS brigade roster! Wait, what? That's not what I wrote…
Was this chapter ok? Something felt different about it for some reason... oh well, think nothing of it, that happens a lot around here.