Lily hadn't thought much about it when she and James had a huge fight in sixth year. He was James, after all. Spars were part of their relationship.
Still, he'd seemed… different during the few weeks after it. Depressed. In Lily's opinion, this too was nothing special. They argued constantly, sure, but rarely of this magnitude. It wasn't even vaguely surprising that he was upset about it – he usually was. She had been particularly scathing this time – although he'd been just as bad back. She honestly didn't care about his mood, she was still angry, so she'd still show it. Her catty comments barely made him wince anymore – it was like he hadn't heard.
A tense atmosphere emerged between them for about a month. They hardly even interacted, though Lily had no qualms about yelling at him for the slightest thing, he didn't take the bait. Sometimes, Sirius would.
'Just leave him alone, Lily. He doesn't need your bullshit right now.'
Also unremarkable.
Still, she did leave him alone a bit more after that. She figured she'd hurt him enough to finally be free of his incessant chasing of her. After a while – a few months, Lily wasn't quite sure – he was back to, well, not normal exactly, but more upbeat. Smiling again. He was even a bit more mature, and she was pleased to note that every single sentence in her presence wasn't him asking her out again. She just assumed it was because of her.
She was deluded. So, so deluded.
James told her, a few years later when they were getting serious, that his Mother had died.
'Oh Merlin, James, I'm so sorry.' She ached for him in that moment – her face subconsciously mimicking his of utter heartbreak. 'When?'
'The beginning of sixth year. I don't really remember it much if I'm honest – I felt like I was my own shadow for six weeks. I felt so futile. Sirius snapped me out of it, shockingly. He told me I was killing myself over it, and it was wrong. I had to live for her, not die with her. I think that's when I decided I wanted to be an auror above all else.' He smiled sadly, before nudging me with his foot. 'It's okay now.'
It hit Lily like a ton of bricks. She opened her mouth to say… well, anything, but the words wouldn't come.
'Sixth year?' She paled. 'But I-I was such a … bitch to you then! That's why you were so upset? Oh Merlin—James, I'm—God, I'm so, so—'
He grimaced, twisting his lips as if her words had left a bad taste in his mouth. 'I swear to Godric Lil, if you apologise I will kill you. You didn't know. It's not your fault. I kind of appreciated your normalcy if I'm honest.'
She'd shut up then, his eyes warning her off so much more than his words. God. All this time she'd thought it was because of her. Lily felt sick with herself. She was so selfish, so arrogant! OfcourseJames had problems outside of her, school, the marauders. Merlin knows she did, why should James be any different? He had a life outside chasing a stubborn redhead. Why hadn't she even considered this before?
Fuck. She was so deluded.
A/N *Runs and hides* don't kill me! My sister's moving to Hong Kong and I forgot to post these. Here they are now, though!
And if you're an invisible reader or an alerter/favouriter but haven't reviewed (and there's loads of you), do me a favour and just type three words for a review. Try and do a three word review.
I dare you!