Sonic Syndrome
By: Metal Sonic EX
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the Sonic characters, nor do I truly own Metal Sonic EX. It is my friend's idea and the credit goes to him. I'm merely using it as a penname.
In this chapter, MSX gets annoyed with Sonic's cockiness and he starts criticizing the classic games. I've been wanting to do this for a while and stuff in this chapter are in fact real. Well, you'll see what I mean. For now, here's episode number four!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Episode 4
Criticizing The Classics
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Narrator - After there brief… incident… Shadow begins to act weirder…
(A coffee machine in the kitchen goes 'ding'. Shadow, who was asleep on the living room couch, springs to life, but keeps his eyes squinted.)
Shadow - Wha… Coffee!
Tails - Looks like Tim Horton heard some brew.
MSX - Enough with the coffee puns!
Narrator - Yes. A very… brief… incident…
MSX - (perks up) Do you hear that?
(Loud guzzling noises are heard in the kitchen. Tikal walks out of it and grimaces.)
Tikal - Yeah. And unfortunately, I see it too.
MSX - No! Not that. Listen…
(A brief silence follows.)
MSX - (in superhero tone) This calls for Sonic-bashing!
(A scream is heard on the second floor of the house.)
MSX - (still in superhero tone) Away!
(MSX thrusts his hand forward and proceeds to fly up the stairs. Tikal and Tails slowly scale the stairs and peek into Sonic's room. MSX is currently beating the snot out of Sonic in… Super Smash Bros. Melee! -the first four notes of Beethoven's Fifth plays-)
MSX - Yes! Get him my undersized minions! Kill him!
(Sonic is Kirby and MSX are the Ice Climbers. The currently lives stand at MSX -99. Sonic - 3.)
MSX - Not so cocky now, are you!
Sonic - I shall be avenged!
MSX - No, you won't. No one gives a crap about you. They only care about Shadow.
(Shadow walks in with a bathrobe on, bunny slippers, a hot cup of coffee, and his trademark squinty eyes. He turns to MSX.)
Shadow - What did ya say 'bout me?
MSX - Nothing.
Sonic - (loses) Screw it. I like the classics better.
MSX - You like the N64 version?
Sonic - No. I'm talking about my games. They're so much better than…
(Mario pokes his head in the window and MSX immediately turns towards him.)
MSX - Fe fi fo fum! I smell the blood of an infidel!
(MSX begins to repeatedly smash Mario on the head with an inflatable hammer. Knuckles walks up with a knife in his hand.)
Knuckles - Would you like to use this instead?
MSX - Why… That's excellent!
(MSX's arm stretches out and passes Knuckles. Some shuffling is heard in the kitchen before his arm return's to its' normal size. MSX then proceeds to continue beating Mario's head in, just with a whisk.)
MSX - Be gone! Be gone I say!
(MSX picks Mario up by the overalls.)
MSX - In the name of the Lord, I cast thee into the trash!
(MSX throws Mario down into the dumpster and, as he goes to get up, the lid falls onto his head.)
Mario - Mama mia…
(MSX turns around and brushes his hands together. The whisk and inflatable hammer have miraculously disappeared.)
MSX - So, with that out of the way…
(MSX snaps his magic fingers and the gang is gathered in the front row of a college auditorium. This group includes Sonic, Tails, Knuckles, Amy, Shadow, Rouge, Cream, Cheese, Big, Tikal, and Clyde. MSX is dressed like Einstein and is standing on the stage with an odd chart behind him.)
MSX - Is everyone veady? Excellent! Ten, we shall start with da lecture.
(MSX throws the clothes and fake beard off with a single swing of his hand. Mario pokes his head up from the back row.)
MSX - I thought I told you to get lost!
Tails - (turns to Mario) Yes, I'd like a pepperoni and sausage pizza, please.
Sonic - Dude, he's a plumber.
Tails - Really? Well, his career went down the drain.
(A mysterious drummer appears next to MSX and executes a rimshot. Tails jumps and poses.)
Tails - I've got a million of 'em!
MSX - And you won't live to see 999,999. One more pun and you're outta here.
Tails - Aye aye, cap'n!
MSX - Alright then! Let's start off with the original.
Shadow - What's this all about? And what the hell did you do with my coffee!
MSX - I'm criticizing the classic games. The ones that Sonic treasures so dearly. Anyways, let's start off with the original.
(A small movie begins playing on a screen next to MSX. Sonic is being constantly thrown into spikes and dying. MSX starts and fumbles with a remote.)
MSX - Oops! This is what happened last time I played. Now, to turn this sucker off.
(MSX turns it off and all eyes turn to Sonic, who is gaping.)
MSX - Don't worry. If I wanted to do that to you, I would've done it already.
Sonic - …
MSX - First thing first: Graphics. Seeing as the Nintendo was the most 'advanced' system at the time, the change from 8-bit graphics to 16-bit graphics was a godsend.
(A pillar of light comes down upon MSX and he clears his throat. The light disappears.)
MSX - Plus, you revolutionized the platforming gaming industry forever. Music was great; level design was better. The bosses were semi-original, plus it brought you into existence. Yes, apparently God wanted to give me something to torture when I got bored.
Sonic - He's not like that!
(God's hand appears and he drops a cow on Sonic. The hand disappears.)
Tails - Holy cow!
(The drummer repeats the rimshot and Tails does his pose again.)
Tails - I got 999,999 of 'em!
(MSX pushes a button reading 'Mass Malevolence Machine' and Tails falls into a hole into the floor. Screams are heard and spirits try crawling out of the hole. The panels come together and shut.)
MSX - And as for you…
(MSX turns to the drummer, who is running up the aisle. Every time he steps down, the cymbals crash together. MSX pulls out a rocket launcher and blows him to smithereens.)
MSX - In case you're wondering where Tails went, it's a little place called Hell. It's where I plan on sending…
Rouge - I know… Bean, Bark, and… Metal Sonic… Right?
MSX - No… I was gonna say Sonic, but that works too.
Rouge - Oh…
MSX - Anyways, Sonic the Hedgehog. I give it…
(MSX smacks a pointer on the chart and one of the five grades appears on it.)
MSX - …an A-!
Tails - (appears for no reason) …b c d e f g! H I j k…
(Tails disappears in a flame as MSX shoots eye lasers at him.)
MSX - Now, Sonic 2. First off, the pros. Most important of them all, Super Sonic. Another is the seventh Chaos Emerald and more levels. The biggest con of them all? Tails. Plain and simple. Rest assured. I can guarantee you this: If, with Sonic and Tails, you are going for the emeralds, you will not get past the fifth level without a second player.
Amy - He's not that stupid.
MSX - What! He's such a freaking moron! Moving a second after you do, costing you rings! Trust me, I've tried it the hard way.
Shadow - And?
MSX - I had to get my friend Kinetikai to help me.
Tikal - Kineti-who?
MSX - Kinetikai. The author of Death Bologna.
Big - Oh… Him…
Cream - I think he's creepy.
Kinetikai (miles away) - THE RABBIT WILL BURN!
MSX - (looks towards camera) You don't know the half of it.
Kinetikai - BURN, BUNNY, BURN!
MSX - (turns back to crowd) Aaaaaaaanyways… my rank for the second game is a… B! You can thank Tails for that.
Sonic - But he's in Hell.
Tails - No I'm not.
(All eyes turn to Tails, who is sitting next to Sonic.)
Tails - Satan didn't want me. Although, if I heard him correctly, I'm the eighth deadly sin.
Amy - Congrats…
MSX - Now, onto my favorite: Sonic 3! Great music! Great level design! Five levels of 2P action! And a saving feature? It's perfect! I give it an A!
Shadow - Ran through that awfully fast, didn't we?
MSX - Name one thing that's wrong with it.
(Both Shadow and MSX slowly turn to Tails.)
MSX - Touché.
Tails - Hey! You know what they say. Two tails are better than one.
Sonic - It's heads.
Tails - Was it? I don't remember. What was it, Amy? Heads or tails?
(Tails breaks into a mad torrent of laughter and breaks for the door. MSX begins shooting eye lasers at him as Tails runs out of the auditorium laughing his head off.)
MSX - Ugh… I'll get him for that. I swear. He's becoming like he is in Death Bologna. What with the horrible puns and all. Kinetikai's even assisting me in coming up with puns for him!
Sonic - For him? Does he need anymore?
MSX - Only God knows. Now, Sonic & Knuckles. Although Knuckles came in Sonic 3, this one let you play as him. Plus, the first level was longer than usual. Plus, the ever-so-memorable Doomsday Zone made its' world debut! I love that place! Anyways, the only thing wrong with it is how pathetically fast Hidden Palace is with Knuckles. Honestly, I can clear that thing in twelve seconds flat. Twelve seconds! I give S&K… a B!
Knuckles - Yay! I finally got a good grade in school!
(A long silence fills the room.)
Rouge - Knuckles, I think you need to stay away from Tails for a while.
Knuckles- Yes, ma'am.
MSX - Okay, next game. Dr. Robotnik's Mean Bean Machine.
(An awkward silence fills the room.)
MSX - Tell ya what… I'll just give this a C and call it quits.
Sonic - What? A C? It wasn't that bad.
MSX - Really? The puns in that game are so horrible, even Tails would shudder! Here's an example. The last robot you face before the final boss is a chicken named Scratch. These are his exact words: You've been scratching around here for too long wormbait! It's time you crossed the road and head home, pal. I'm winning this one by fair means or fowl.
(A loooooong silence follows before the Sonic gang explodes. MSX snaps his magic fingers and they respawn in their seats.)
Sonic - That was the definition of 'bone-tingling'.
Shadow - Hell, that's the definition of 'blood-curdling'.
Knuckles - Are you kidding! That's the definition of 'motherf-'
Shadow - We get it. It's bad.
MSX - Isn't it? I rest my case. A C rank it is. Although, it's not bad. Considering it's a Puyo Puyo-type game. But nonetheless, I'll have to draw the line at Stage 5, Davy Sprocket.
(Another silence fills the room.)
Big - MOTHERFU-
MSX - Silence, purple idiot!
(MSX snaps his fingers and suddenly Big is transported into a nursing home filled with frisky old people.)
Frisky Old Person #1 - Hey, look! That cat is covered in applesauce.
Narrator - Oddly enough, Big was covered in applesauce.
Frisky Old Person #2 - We haven't eaten in three days! Let's get 'im!
Frisky Old Person #3 - Hold on! Lemme take my teeth out!
Big - AAAAAHHHHH!
MSX - Riiiiiiiiiight… Anyway, moving on. Next game, Sonic Spinball. The hardest of the Genesis games.
Sonic - Even I had trouble with that game.
(MSX scoffs.)
Cream - You're just getting cocky now!
MSX - Maybe, but I can back myself up.
Narrator - Moments later…
MSX - (beats the game) Own.
Shadow - Point four seconds! That's not humanly possible!
MSX - It is now. As for grade, I think a B is good enough. I mean, four levels? I think one more would've been good. My all-time high score for this game is 220,840,392 points.
Shadow - Bull…
MSX - I swear my life on it! I got every ring, beat every bonus level, and didn't die once!
Sonic - Wow… You're, like, a freak at this.
MSX - Yes, I am. Now, onto the final of the Genesis games. But first thing first. (snaps magic fingers)
Rouge - What did ya do?
MSX - Silence, Bat Girl!
(For no reason, Knuckles begins bouncing up and down while smiling broadly.)
Sonic - What the…
MSX - It's his laugh from Sonic 3 & Knuckles. Speaking of which…
(MSX turns around and moves the background aside. There, a huge shrine to Sonic 3 & Knuckles is constructed. MSX kneels and grovels before a giant statue of Sonic before moving the background back.)
MSX - Anyways, now onto the last Genesis game. Sonic 3D Blast!
Amy - Oh boy…
Sonic - What?
(Sonic looks forward and MSX is standing right it front of him. His eyes are hidden in shadow, but two white sparkles indicate his eyes.)
MSX - I'm gonna have a field day with this.
Narrator - One painful beating up later…
(Sonic is in a full-body cast and a heart monitor beeps next to him.)
MSX - Five enemies to a level? The boss design? The level design? The special stage design? The lack of Super Sonic! The only good thing about this game is the music! I give this game a D, hands down.
Shadow - (whistles) Whoa…
MSX - I know. So, adding them all together. The overall grade for the Genesis games is… (does brief problem on a calculator) … a C! Not bad, but many things can be fixed. Like Tails involvement. Now, onto the Game Gear… Hehehe…
Sonic - (muffled) Oh no…
Narrator - And so, after much pain inflicting…
MSX - Ah, I feel so cleansed.
(The camera turns to show a grave, then pans out to reveal that it reads 'Here lays Sonic's left leg'. It pans out further to show about fifteen similar tombstones.)
MSX - Anyways, the last game is Sonic the Fighters. This game involves fighting Bean, Bark, and… Metal Sonic. Actually, this game gave birth to Bean and Bark. And… Metal Sonic…
Amy - Metal Sonic came in during Sonic CD.
MSX - I know. I just felt like adding that last part. Come, let us return home.
Narrator - Later, at the Sonic residence…
(Tails is hanging by his neck from the telephone pole and he's been fried to a crisp. Inside, MSX and Co. are watching TV. Suddenly, MSX starts.)
MSX - Quick! I must add a new character to the storyline before the episode ends!
(The window breaks in and Eggman, dressed like a ninja, falls in. He then jumps to his feet and tries to go into the crane stance, but falls over.)
Eggman - Hohoho! It is I, the great Eggman! And now, I'll knock you all out with my swift ninja powers!
(Eggman goes to karate chop Cream, but notices something and walks into the kitchen.)
Eggman - We meet again, my nemesis. You are the only thing I couldn't conquer. But rest assured, I will be victorious! Hahahahaha!
(Everyone gets a look of concern on their face as the camera moves up to reveal that Eggman has been talking to the staircase.)
Eggman - I'll conquer you one day! Yes, I will! I'll…
MSX - But until then, go away.
(MSX begins spraying Eggman with an old fashion bug sprayer thingy and Eggman hisses and jumps out of the window before running off.)
MSX - Moron repellent! Gotta love it! Now, come Sonic!
(MSX snaps his magical fingers yet again and Sonic reappears in front of him.)
Sonic - Hey, I'm alive! Wait… why?
MSX - I crave some more thrashing. Fetch the Genesis!
Sonic - NOOOOOOOOOO!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------In the next chapter, MSX gives an entire episode to honor Sega's failed creations. Until then, Read and Review and I'll continue!