XOXO
Kiss Tomorrow Goodbye – Depression
Him
It had been twenty-nine days.
Twenty-nine days since she'd been in my bed. Since I'd touched her skin or felt her breath.
Almost an entire month without her, and I wasn't faring too well.
So I picked up the phone. I called and texted, but she ignored the missed calls and unread messages.
It was probably better that way. She was right: part of me wasn't ready to move on. I'd been in Seattle just over a year when I met Leah; it had been three years since my wife and son died in a car accident. Three years since I'd tried to take my own life.
I hadn't even thought about moving on before she came along.
When day thirty-one without her hit, I called a different number- her work phone.
We didn't know much about each other, but we knew enough to know how to find each other.
Of course, what her secretary told me helped with a decision that I'd been trying to make since the moment I met her.
Her
It was strange to me, to see all these people dressed in black and mourning for him. Seth wouldn't have wanted it- he would have wanted people to celebrate his life.
I watched as they placed the folded-up flag in my mother's arms and as she leaned into the side of her new husband. I listened as the military chaplain spoke, but nothing seemed to resonate with me.
All I could do was think about how people in my life left me when I needed them the most. It wasn't as if they'd had a choice, but it still hurt: my father's heart attack, my brother's tour in Iraq, my mother's remarriage.
My family was gone.
Tears spilled down my cheeks as they lowered my brother into the ground. My mother and I scooped up handfuls of dirt and dropped them in, then turned away. She made her way back to the car with Charlie, but I lingered a few steps behind them.
It took a moment for my eyes to adjust, so I was sure that what I was seeing wasn't real. But as he made his way toward me, and then wrapped me in his warm embrace, I knew he was.
"I'm sorry," Edward whispered to my hair.
"What are you doing here?" I touched his face and buried my own in his neck.
"I um…I called your office. Just to- to say hi or something, I don't even know. And they told me," he said quietly.
I hadn't told Edward much about my family, but I had spoken about Seth a few times. It surprised me that he'd listened. I didn't want to think about what it meant that he was there, or about what would happen when it was time for him to leave. Instead I wrapped my arms around his neck and breathed him in, thankful that I had someone to comfort me- even if it were only for a little while.
"You want to get out of here?" he asked after a moment. I could see my mother and Charlie over his shoulder, oblivious to the fact that I wasn't with them, and nodded.
"Can you take me home? I don't have my car here," I explained, and Edward smiled.
"Anywhere you want."
When we made it back to Seattle, Edward took me to the bar. He poured us drinks and led me to his apartment, seemingly lost in thought.
"You don't have to do this, you know," I told him once we were inside.
"I want to." He gave me a soft smile and brushed my hair from my face. I returned his smile and took his drink from his hand, setting his and mine on the little dining room table. My hands cupped the back of his neck and pulled him into a kiss, gentle at first, but I wanted more. I needed more.
I needed to pretend for a while. To forget.
His hands moved tentatively over my body, removing the black fabric as he walked me to his bedroom. He was serious as he kissed me, almost reserved in the way he pushed down my panties and guided me to the bed. My hands shook as I unbuttoned his shirt and dress pants, feeling different than I had before.
Maybe I wasn't the only one who needed to pretend.
"You are…so beautiful," he murmured once we were skin to skin. "I don't think I tell you that enough."
I wanted to laugh because it sounded so ridiculous. His sweet words were a stark contrast to the months we'd spent fooling around, fucking whenever and wherever we could.
"I need you," I whispered, drawing him closer. He nodded and slipped his hand between my thighs, dipping his fingers inside and teasing me. His mouth moved over my skin, keeping me on the edge before he finally filled and took my breath away.
It took me a moment to realize that we weren't protected, but another moment to understand that I just didn't care. Right then I wanted all of him.
He sighed my name as we moved. My hands sought every inch of his body, my lips pressed to his skin where I could reach and he did the same. The experience was surreal, and I wanted to be sure I committed every second of to memory.
As his hips moved faster, I felt my body go warm, and his name fell from my lips. He moaned into my neck and I let go, gasping and panting as I came, and then again when he did.
He kissed me gently, but didn't slip away. His green eyes burned into mine and I found myself unable to look away.
Maybe we weren't pretending after all.