CHAPTER THREE Laramie, Wyoming, Sherman Ranch and Relay Station, the 1870s

''Well, that's that.'' Daisy smiled to herself, some hours later, when her large pile of mending had become several smaller piles of usable items again. She would have said she was very satisfied with her day's work, except it wasn't done, quite yet. Mike was home and despite all the chattery excitement from his fishing excursion, had his supper, his weekly bath and was sound asleep in the small room the boys had changed around for him, the room that had been Andy's.

Jess rode out into the hills, once his own daily tasks were seen to, taking his cousin's letter and saying he needed just 'a spell' up there to clear his head. Slim was keeping busy in the tack room, finishing some repairs, he'd said, keeping out of the way. Daisy was still sorting tiny skeins of embroidery thread she'd found much to her surprise and delight in a shipment of notions at the dry goods store in town, when the door to the front porch creaked open, and quietly closed behind her.

'' I saved you something from supper, Jess.'' She said, knowing his footfall, especially when he was trying so hard to 'soft foot it.' "It's in the Dutch oven, on top of the stove, dear.''

''Daisy, you '' Jess started and stopped, sighing, hanging his hat on one of the pegs by the door. ''You know, there was only one other person in my whole, entire life could always tell when it was me, comin' up behind them, and that was …momma. Reckon it's somethin' mothers just have?''

'' I reckon.'' Daisy said, turning to smile brightly at the surprised expression her borrowing from his way of talking put on the Texan's handsome face. [ Oh, Jess, how I wish I'd known your dear momma .I think she would I know she would be so proud of you, right now! ] ''Now, come and eat and let's have that talk you promised me, before.''

'' Oh, right. Sure, Daisy.'' Jess frowned, and Daisy had to keep herself from giggling. It was that clear on his handsome face that Jess wished she'd forgotten the promise and the talk.'' And I'm sorry about… y'know, if I was … outa sorts, b'fore.''

'' I know that, dear. Come along, now, you must be hungry.''

''Yeah, I reckon.'' Jess left his jacket and gunbelt by the door, and followed Daisy to the kitchen table. Then, with another grin and a surprising gesture, he ushered Daisy to her seat there. Then Jess wasted no time 'getting' my grub' and a cup of coffee. Daisy sat quietly, enjoying Jess' healthy appetite as it campaigned triumphantly through tender to falling apart pot roast, carrots and potatoes, warm bread and crumbly peach pie.

[ My boys work so hard! You can't even tell by looking that they're not half starved any longer, the way they seemed to be when I came here. ] Daisy thought, smiling as she watched

'' So, Daisy. What'd you want to talk about?'''' Jess asked, with a deceptively mischievous tone of voice and the ghost of a familiar sparkle in his eyes, when he'd washed the last bite of pie down with more coffee.

''You, you scoundrel!'' Daisy laughed. '' And I'll start with what I think might be the easier part for you. Why didn't you read your cousin's letter, dear? And why on earth would you hide it, if you didn't even know for certain what he wrote?''

'' Jemmy's … always been … a mischief maker, Daisy. He's always been one to love a game played or a good joke. '' Jess insisted. '' So, I … sometimes its been hard to know when he was foolin', and when he wasn't. That's why I didn't read it, reckon. Why I … Daisy, I dunno why I hid it… No, that ain't so, either. 'm sorry, don' want to lie to you, ever… Jemmy… was so much around when I was little… in east Texas… not all th' time, but a lot. We spent a lot of time together, back then.''

'' So you were friends, as well as family.'' Daisy noted.

'' Yeah. His momma was a first cousin with mine… His Daddy was second cousin to my own… An'… those were good times, some of th' best, I'd figure. Th' War… well, it changed all that, o' course.''

''Yes, of course it did. At dinner you said your cousin left Texas for the North, before the War began?"'

''Yeah.'' Jess sighed. '' His momma… well, some of her people were Methodist, but some were Quakers… an' she followed that way, an' … ''

'' Your cousin followed his mother's beliefs? Which would have made it very hard …''

'' Not hard, Daisy, not hard, it would've made it just about impossible for Jemmy an' his Daddy to stay in Texas, or North Carolina, or even up in Virginia with his momma's people. An' Jemmy told me, an' our cousin Cooper, the three of us bein' friends then, what him and Cousin Stephen, his Daddy… meant to do. But, ''

Jess shook his head, remembering how earnestly the three young cousins had promised their friendship, even more than their kinship, would never change, ever. ''Daisy, Jemmy was such a wide-eyed kid, then! We all were full of high ideals an' such. I was too, even though all that came three, four years after… after Th' fire,

an' all.''

''When you thought you'd seen, you'd learned the very worst the world had to show you.'' Daisy said, so gently Jess knew before looking that tears were shining in her clear grey eyes. '' So, Francine's news, as wonderful as it is, together with this letter from your cousin… Jemmy, only added to the way thinking about your family… thinking about what happened to them has been haunting you, again, lately?'' the widow asked. ''Because, to a certain way of thinking, you lost him, in the War, as well?''

Jess knew he was frankly staring at Daisy for a long moment now. He couldn't help it, the kindly woman seemed to see right through him, without even trying, and more and more often.

'' Daisy, I don't know how you do that! You take what's roilin' round in my head like a dust-storm and make it set still to be looked at … in th' only way that can make any sense at all!''

'' I'm just a sensible old soul, I suppose.'' Daisy smiled, and patted Jess' hands, still folded around the coffee cup he'd set back on the table between them. '' And I've had some experience with losses. But please, dear, don't mistake me, Jess, I know none of them were as terrible or as horridly sudden as your own.''

'' There ain't any comparin' between …things like that, Daisy.'' Jess said, and shrugged, taking her hands and squeezing them warmly as a way of sending her some wordless comfort. '' How could there be? An' b'sides, I know you surely must've felt it was sudden, when you got word of your son… after Chickamauga… An' b'sides, how could anybody say it was worse to lose somebody slow or sudden?

Naw, what you went through, Daisy, I'd never, ever be th' one to say you had it any easier than I did. Why, that'd be like me sayin' my folks were worth more n' yours, or anybody else's! An' even if I had the locos bad enough to say that… Momma an' Daddy both'd reach down from Glory and whup me a good'un for it!''

Daisy gave her middle son another smile, now, feeling terrifically proud of Jess' compassion and his courage. ''Well, no one can say what a life is worth, not truly, dear. But I … Jess, will you tell me something more about that time, about what brought it up for you again, now? Was it spring, Jess? Was it this time of year when…'' .

'' When we got burned out?'' Jess asked, lowering his blue-sky gaze for a moment, then bringing it back to her kindly face.

''Truth of it is, Daisy, sometimes I can't remember parts of it, not th' weather, not th' crops, not if we were breakin' horses or foalin' em ''

Then, once more the Texan turned his eyes away from Daisy, and daring whatever reaction he might have, she reached for his face, and lifted it till they were once more, eye to eye. She knew she already understood part of Jess' current trouble. He hadn't even bothered to deny memories of his family's deaths were coming back to jolt him lately. She didn't need a medical degree or one of those heavy, expensive microscopes she'd seen in a Cheyenne druggist's window, to see that. Her middle son's handsome face was drawn, his eyes were burdened as heavily as a miner's mule-team by dark circles, his whole manner edgy, apprehensive.

[ Is this the way my Jess, my middle son looked when he first got here? Is this the case-hardened, on the drift gunfighter Slim and Jonesy and Andy first met? ] Daisy wondered.

[ No, no, I know that disillusioned, wary man is gone for good, thanks to those three, Mose, Mort Corey and little Mike, and maybe, thanks to G-d, of course, and maybe, I can hope, some thanks to me. This is just the mask that dreadfully lonesome drifter left behind. I can see my son behind it, I can hear him. And G-d willing, I can still reach him back there, too. So, lets get going here, Jess. Let's get 'er done.]

Daisy dropped her fingertips from Jess' chin and took his hands in hers, ignoring the fact for now that the young Texan's long boned hands dwarfed her own.

'' And sometimes you remember that terrible time so clearly, so entirely, its all you can think of. And so, the new letter from dear Francine, even though she was sending such lovely news, came when you already had those awful memories stirring. And Jess, I know from my own experience that even truly fine news like that can trigger entirely contradictory feelings.

When I began to get letters from my old home, from friends there, sometimes it was all I could do not to start sobbing, not to start hurting all over again, because none of those letters were, or ever would be from my dearest ones. And it kept me up, more than one night, I can tell you. And that is what you've been going through, just lately, dear. That is what has been going on, one night after another, the past few weeks, keeping you up, or, more rightly I would say, waking you up. '' Daisy suggested strongly. Keeping her grey gaze fixed on his face.

'' Daisy, you're not going to tell me now that you can see through the walls around here?'' Jess asked her, startling, his eyes wide, his expression half alarmed and half amused.

''No, dear, but I wouldn't be much use as a mother, would I, if I couldn't hear through walls? And that would need to be especially true when my boys have problems they haven't come to me with, yet. So, now, please, Jess, talk to me about this. Tell me all of this trouble. And don't forget to tell me, dear, why you haven't brought this to me, until I asked you to, tonight. Go on, Jess.'' Daisy insisted, keeping her grip on his hands, glad to find he wasn't pulling back, or pulling away.

But now Jess' eyes darkened as suddenly as storm clouds blocking out a summer's sky, not with anger, with something Daisy didn't think she'd ever seen there before, unease so profound it was well on it's way to becoming full fledged dread. Something wasn't just troubling Jess these days, something was on the verge of panicking him.

[ And that by itself, is surely something Jess would never choose to admit, to himself, much less to people whose trust he cherishes, whose trust he needs.] Daisy considered, seeing that the young Texan wanted to look away again. Not saying a word, she shook her head, refusing unequivocally to allow it.

Jess swallowed hard, thinking he'd rather face a headlong charge into

three or four divisions of Federal artillery right now, than Daisy's resolute, encouraging smile. But it was only with her smile and her unwavering trust Jess knew he could go on with this 'talk' for even a second.

''Well, now, reckon that last part's likely th' easiest an' hardest.'' Jess finally said, in an even more muted tone.

'' Jess, talking about grief like this, like yours, is never easy. How in the world could it be?'' Daisy asked, spreading her hands wide, though she was reluctant to let his hands go.

Jess nodded his agreement, then hesitated again, frowning and chewing unhappily at his lower lip, as if that could keep the words in. It couldn't, he lost that skirmish and went on.'' I mean to say – it's pretty simple, really, why I ain't brought this up, b'fore you asked me.'' He finally told her. ''Cos I – don't think you're gonna end up bein' glad you asked, exactly. I don't think – this is anything you'd want to hear. An' hope to G-d it's nothin' like what you expect. And – I know you want this to help – ''

''I want whatever will help you, dear. '' Daisy answered quietly, reaching for Jess' hands again. To her dismay though, this time, the Texan looked alarmed and pulled away, as if afraid his touch would harm her.

'' 'Course you do. Only Daisy, you know sometimes there just ain't anything will help th' way things are, or th' way they're goin', sometimes there's just nothin' to be done. An I – think, certain sure, this is gonna turn out one of those times. I think mebbee there really is such a thing as – what's meant to be, like my granddaddy used to preach about, down around Nacogdoches. Some things are – '' Jess shook his head, as if he didn't want to believe the words he spoke, and had to.

'' - meant to come down, just th' way they do. What'd Granddaddy Nate always call it - Predestination? Funny how words like get mired down in a fella's mind, an' stick there, for just about – ever, ain't it? But he b'lieved that way of lookin' at things, to be Th' Foundin' Truth of Th' whole, entire world an' all, Granddaddy Nate'd say. Things were set out from th' Foundation of th' World, he'd say, specially things that happen when a fella heads down a real wrong trail: like I done.''

[ And now I'm hearing that you believe a soul is preordained for Glory or Perdition? And I'm supposed to believe you think you're in for the latter, not the former? Jess, what in all the world could turn your mind around this way? And how do I – how can I help you see the Jess I see? ]

Jess turned his blue-sky gaze away from her again as he finished, and dropped the level of his voice so she only just caught what he was saying. Then he turned, pushed his chair back and stood up, in one fluid motion.

'' 'm sorry, Daisy, I'm not sure this was such a danged fine idea, after all.'' The young Texan said, shaking his head despondently.

''But you promised me we'd talk when you got back.'' Daisy reminded the Texan, taking on her schoolteacher's manner as she had with Slim. ''And you've never broken a promise to me, Jess.''

'' Well, sure I have!'' Jess exclaimed, almost laughing, nearly smiling at her. '' Why, that happened all th' time when you were settlin' in here at first! Daisy, I acted like a great baby, sometimes, then, as if I was younger than little Mike! ''

'' But you haven't broken your word of honor, once you gave it to me, not even once in all this time, Jess Harper. That being the case, you sit right back down and talk to me.'' Daisy insisted.

Looking as dejected as Mike, when the boy was told to finish his schoolwork, or his chores, before running to play, Jess still obeyed her, sitting down again, slumping in the chair and muttering. ''Yes ma'am.''

''Go on, Jess.'' Daisy urged him, nodding and smiling, and terrified for him, inside. She didn't reach for his hands again, even though the young Texan had them back on the tabletop, alternately wringing his left hand with his right and vice versa. Jess was afraid, but not of her, Daisy thought. He hadn't lost his trust of her and that was a plus in this intricate situation.

[ But Jess has lost or is surely in the midst of losing his belief in the trust I have in him. He seems to think I should be as wary of him as he once was

of 'the World'. But, oh, my dear, I learned how much it hurts to distrust 'the World' a long while ago, when I went through and survived my own crisis. But you, Jess are all tangled up in nightmarish memories of the past, yours and your family's. And for whatever reason now, that past is reaching out

to pull you back into its darkest days and nights again.

Well, I won't let you fall! ]

Jess looked at her so intently now Daisy felt as though he was going to pick up one of Mike's broken and battered lead pencils out of the cup on the sideboard, and sketch her portrait on the tabletop. He seemed to want to memorize her, sitting there and if that was what reassured Jess now, she could surely give him that much. Daisy held herself and her own whirring thoughts steady for her middle son and gave him her most patient smile, and waited, feeling anything but patient or steady.

''Daisy, y'know, makin' you pull this out of me like some kinda bad tooth, it just ain't right. I shouldn't make you work this hard. I should just tell you Th' G-d's honest truth of th' matter an' be done with it. 'So here it is: '' Jess shrugged, looking as if he'd rather slide through one of the cracks in the floorboards right now than go on.

'' Y'see, I don't have to wonder, not a bit, I know what's goin' on. I do. I know.'' Down that blue sky gaze went again, examining every join and crack in the small tabletop. But once more, Daisy wordlessly lifted his chin with her fingertips, until they were eye to eye, again.'' I just figured it's clear as day what's got me all out of kilter, bollixed up, thrown down,' like some bandy-legged calf, bawlin' for its ma, loud enough to raise th' roof."

''Well, part of it is, you already admitted you've been struggling with these old nightmares and memories of when your family in Texas died. And memories like those would trouble anyone in their right mind, Jess.''

Suddenly, Jess stared at Daisy, wide eyed as a scared little boy, as if she'd abruptly begun, swearing or shouting, or speaking in tongues. Then he began to dry wash his hands, rubbing each knuckle in turn, as if it ached. And, now, following another instinct, Daisy reached over, gripped both Jess' hands again and held on with all the strength she could pour into her own.

'' Jess, talk to me! Answer me, please, dear.'' Daisy cried out, terribly alarmed and wondering how she'd managed to make things abruptly worse. But he hadn't pulled his hands out of her grasp, the greyeyed widow saw, deciding to consider that a positive sign. The young Texan slowly relaxed, watching her face, fiercely holding her hands, as if he expected the gentle woman to vanish, at any moment.

''What's frightening you?'''' What?'' she asked, pouring all the love and fear she had for Jess, all the trust and hope she had in him into that one quiet word.

'' It started to happen back then too, y'see.'' Jess said, wanting to look away but wanting to hold her kind grey gaze as long as he could, as if to memorize it, before it could disappear. ''It started to happen, all that year after – after Th' fire, an' all. Couldn't sleep, couldn't taste what I et, couldn't stand … t' be anywhere, couldn't hardly stand still!

Th' sun in th' sky, th' candles in th' window, th' fire in th' grate were too bright t' look at! Th' wind in th' hills, th' wheel on' th' mill creek, th' voices around me, even whisperin' in church were too loud! An even th' grass in th' dooryard, th' quilt on m' bed… th' clothes on m' back all rubbed me pretty near raw! … ever' thing hurt, ever' thing, ever' body, no matter what it was or what they did! I … Sometimes I thought I'd jump plumb outa my skin, then!" The young Texan exclaimed, now, as Daisy kept her hold on his hand.

"And sometimes, some days while you were still in the worst shock, in the worst grief of your life; some days, Jess, you just about wished that you could." Daisy finished somberly, then smiled warmly and nodded, as Jess' eyes grew wide one more time. "Yes, dear, I know exactly how that feels."

"Figure you do." Jess agreed with a calmer manner and tone. "Figure you'd have to know how that was… how that is, with losin' your husband an' before that … your boy, in th' War.

Daisy… I know you want me t' go on with all this tellin'… And I will, I gave you my word… I give it again… But there's somethin' you an' me ain't ever talked of… An' we' gotta… We have to… " Jess sighed, glanced away, and looked back, his eyes bright with tears now, his voice full of sorrow and warm with compassion.

"There was that time… on th' stage …we were s'posed t' be comin' back home … from somewhere… mebbee Cheyenne… An' one of th' men on th' stage said he fought in th' west… in th' War… said he was at … Chickamauga… An' you remember, you told him that's … where your … where your son … "

" Where my son fought and died? Well, of course I do! We had such a time, such an interesting journey… " Daisy smiled, shaking her head at the Texan. "We had to spend the night in … Jubilee, wasn't it, Jess? But we got home alright. Is there something I'm forgetting?"

"Interestin', that's sure one way to put it." Jess almost laughed, and then grew somber again. "But no, there's somethin' I never told you … An' I gotta … Daisy, … th' 8th Texas, we fought all through central an' east Tennessee, back in' th' summer an' fall, '63. We fought… under General Bragg. We were at … Chickamauga. An' so … so was your son.

An' that's somethin' else that's been showin' up in m' nightmares… just lately, you see. We rode down on so many Yankees. We rolled up their lines like some kinda blue carpets… An' chased 'em nearly inside Chattanooga, too. But , Daisy, I … I couldn't even say this t' you, ceptin' you've got every right t' know. I could've… I could've been th' one that … " Jess finally looked back at the table and kept his gaze there, dropping his voice yet again. " … killed your son."

"No, Jess. You couldn't have, truly." Daisy told him with such conviction that it won her Jess' bright gaze again. " You never got a telegram from your War Department during those terrible years, did you, Jess?"

"No, ma'am. Why?" Jess quietly asked her, wondering at her calm self-assurance.

"Because if you had, you'd know how much … really unwanted detail they tended to give, after the fact. And then, of course, there were the letters his father and I got from his commander. " Daisy answered, keeping her eyes directly on Jess.

" I learned from them more than any mother ever wants to know … But now, I'm grateful. Because I know my son wasn't fighting your Texans, that day, Jess dear. As I recall now, his unit was with General Thomas. They were holding the line so that a great many others could reach safety. They were all genuine heroes, even without one single, solitary Texan in sight."

"They were that, surely." Jess wholeheartedly agreed, nodding. "You should be proud."

" Well, I am, very proud, of him and of you, for telling me this." Daisy told him. "So, now you can at least let go of that nightmare, can't you, Jess?'

"Yeah." Jess agreed, and sat back for a minute, sighing again. Sensing his need to pull back just a bit from a difficult moment, Daisy let go Jess' hands. But she wouldn't take her eyes from his, and the grey eyed widow was almost surprised when Jess kept his gaze on her, too.

" …getting' this figured, aren't y now, Daisy?" The Texan demanded, rubbing at the back of his neck now, feeling himself halfway between stay-put and cut n run." Ya know what's goin' on with me, don't ya? Ya get just exactly what kinda trouble I'm in, right, an' just how much of a boondoggle I'm buildin' up here?

Slim had t' just about hog tie me earlier on, just t' get me talkin'. An' still, I run Trav up inta th' hills for some space t' think in, an' I don't do a bit of thinkin'! Th' hills start feelin' crowded! Th' air in my face is more like a slap! The sky seems so bright it nearly pained my eyes, th' wind in th' trees so loud, it dang near knocked me over! Th' only difference I can tell is I've got enough sense t' know how good th' gru… Th' supper you saved tasted! Reckon I finally learned t' be grateful for something! But…"

"You're still just about to jump out of your skin?" Daisy suggested, cocking her head and looking closely at her middle son's face, when Jess seemed to run out of 'steam.

"Jess, wait a moment, dear. Let me see if I do understand this. You're drawing a close comparison between the way you feel now, and the way you reacted when your home was destroyed, and so much of your family died. And even though you say yourself there are definite differences now, all these angry, confused, bitter feelings have you so worried, it makes them seem just that much worse. And I know, dear, I truly know how courageous a man you are. But it also has you frightened. Jess, am I right?"

"Time was I would've said nothin' scared me, ever. An' it was no truer then." Jess said miserably, shaking his head. " Cause you're right, 'm just about scared silly, scared senseless, more like! I've got this feelin' like I should be takin' off for th' hills, before I just blow t' pieces! I've got this feelin' like I should be sendin' you an' Slim an' Mike all t' th' nearest earthworks ya can find so ya don't get hit by th' grape an' canister when that blow up happens! An' that, right there, just shows you just how crazed … "

"Please, go on, Jess dear." Daisy urged him, regaining her hold on his strong left hand, while Jess combed his right hand through his hair and rubbed his neck, as what he'd said seemed to catch him up. "You're doing so well. You're making me very proud of you, again."

" Daisy, you won't… " Jess started and stopped and shook his head again. "Naw, you won't let on about all … this, t anybody. I know that. Shouldn't even ask you."

" I won't. Of course, I won't, Jess. I won't even mention this to you again, without your permission, dear. And not to any other living soul.'' Daisy quickly, gladly promised.

'' Yeah, I know that. It's just you've got that way of either drawin' out or peggin' down what's rattlin' around in my head, a lot of th' time. It can catch a fella off guard, y'know. See, it's just like some folks probably always figured was gonna happen with me, soon or late." Jess told her glumly, looking away, squeezing his eyes shut, and speaking so quietly she had to lean forward to hear him clearly.

"It's …'Daisy … 'm … just plain goin' -- crazy. I know that's it. It's just ol' Jess here, just plain losin' it, just finally goin' round th' bend from tip to toe, goin' purely… crazed, just like I started t' do after we got … burned out. Only now, there's no sense at all to it, is there? At least back then, seems like I might could've had some reason for it!"

"You had all the reason in the world, I'd say." Daisy agreed and then went on determinedly. "Which is how I know you're wrong, dear. You're not going crazy You're absolutely sane, in fact. No, no, Jess. Look at me, now. Look at me. '' Daisy insisted, and got her wish, when he opened those deep set blue sky eyes to the size of a two bit piece laid on it's side.

"Now, listen to me, Jess. Listen." She said, reaching for his right hand and smiling when Jess put both his hands in hers. He swallowed again and opened his eyes wider. "And I'll tell you how I know what you've become so worried about just isn't so. "

"Daisy, ya mean ya believe …" Jess protested, but stopped when his surrogate mother shook her head.

"No, dear, I mean precisely what I said. I know you're as sane as the day is long." Daisy answered, squeezing his hands. "And the way I know is from what you've just told me, and from something else that I've never told you or Slim. During the War, like so many others, I did all I could to help the boys who were sent home badly wounded or terribly maimed. And often cases, so many of them were not just physically hurt but, terribly broken and lost deep inside by what they'd seen, what they'd done and what happened to them in the fighting. And I think you must have known any number of boys who were hurt that way too, down where no one could see it, didn't you, Jess?"

"Yeah, surely." Jess nodded and crooked his head to one side, studying Daisy. "An' knowin' you, Daisy, you must've tried all the more t' help boys like that."

"I did. We all did. And sometimes, it seemed as though they could … come back to themselves, with a great deal of caring, compassion and no little prayer." Daisy sadly nodded, her wide grey eyes shining with tears. "And other times, Jess, no one could reach those boys, ever. No one could reach them when they fell into that darkness. No one could calm them when they started their terrible, uncontrollable raging. They may as well have been deafened or blinded.

They neither heard nor saw anyone around them, any longer. They were lost to themselves, and everyone who loved them, as surely as if they'd died in one battle or another. But they never once, not in my hearing, questioned whether or not they were sane. To them, it was always the rest of the world that had gone entirely mad. And at the time, I'm not sure I would have disagreed that strongly. But my point is, they never worried for an instant that I saw or heard, if they were losing their minds. Now, Jess, do you understand what I'm saying?"

" Figure mebbe I do." Jess agreed, feeling more hopeful than he had all evening. " It's like you're sayin' if a fella's still askin' the question, is he in his right mind or not; then he's probably all right?"

"Exactly!'" Daisy smiled. "There you see, you're not such a bad pupil after all, dear. But there's one more piece to my answer. So, listen to me."

" Yes, ma'am." The Texan answered, with a fraction of his usual crooked grin.

"Jess," Daisy said, keeping her hold on his hands. "The boys I was just talking about, and the ones that you knew who could never be healed, had one more thing in common. And it's something I know you've never come close to knowing. And this may sound harsh, but Jess what they had that you don't have is pure despair. Those boys gave up on themselves. And it may be they felt they had nowhere to turn. And it may be they had no one to talk to, or trust any longer.

But, still they surrendered to the darkness within, the darkness we all know at one time or another. But that despair, that surrendering, dear, that's something I honestly don't believe is possible to you. And it's the fact that you're sitting here talking to me right now that tells me I'm absolutely correct about that! You didn't give up as a boy under incredible pressures to do just exactly that, Jess. And you're not giving up now, or you wouldn't be sitting here with me tonight."

Jess shrugged now and shook his head at the grey eyed, silver haired widow woman who'd made herself his mother in so many ways. " Well, Daisy, I did promise we'd talk."

"Jess Harper, are you making light of what I just told you?" Daisy asked, with a grin.

"Naw, wouldn't do that." The Texan gave her half a grin back. " Figure you'd whup me but good if I tried. An' Daisy, I'm real glad t' hear you got it figured I'm not losin' m' mind. But mebbee I should finish tellin' ya what started me fussin' an' fumin' this way. Mebbee I should tell ya more about Francie an' … our brother Danny, how we were right after, an' how we've all been since th' fire…An' mebbee I shouldn't, cause you might change your mind!"

'' Your brother? Jess… Francine said something to me, just in passing while she was here but… " Daisy stopped, still watching her middle son closely. " She said he was the only one of you three who was injured back then. And as much as I'd love to know all you can tell me…"

"Daisy, you've pulled the cork right outa th' bottle, now. Figure I'm bound to keep talkin' now, till I run dry. But I can't… All this time an' I still can't talk about the littles, Th' kids who didn't make it back then.

Danny an' Francie an' me… we got out. Momma an' Daddy, three of our sisters an' one more brother, they didn't. They couldn't. An' Danny, he fell… an' prett near busted his back. So, th' boy never walked again, an' never will." Jess sighed, shoulders hunched, eyes darkening with sorrow.

"How terribly sad." Daisy commented, keeping her grip on his hands. " I'm so very sorry, Jess dear. Please, go on. Please, you said you had more to tell me. Please, don't stop now, when you're doing so well. You said you would tell me how these nightmares got started."

''Daisy, you – '' Jess started to protest, holding on, but shaking his head, He stopped and went quiet, as soon as she gave him her mildest possible frown.

'' Are you going to answer me or not, young man?'' Daisy asked, taking a slightly sterner tact, now that what seemed the worst of it was out in the open air between them.

'' You can't just come into my kitchen, you know, and tell me that one of my sons is losing his mind without telling me why you would say or think any such thing. I won't put up with that, not even, no, especially not from one of those same sons of mine, even if he's foolish enough to be saying it about himself. Do I make myself clear? I expect you to answer me now, as fully and honestly as you always have.'''

Abruptly Jess managed to crack a wary smile at last, and shook his dark head. '' Wow, I'm glad I was never in one of your classes!''

'' You're probably right. I would've had you staying after school a great deal, I'm afraid, if this is the way you answered in class.'' Daisy gave him a taut smile, feeling very much in teacher mode.

'' Never did, if I could help it, when there was a school. That mostly came earlier and – later, though.'' Jess admitted, but she noted he was somewhat less tense, less afraid now, sitting back in his chair, a bit.

'' Alright, now you managed to change the subject for a good ninety seconds or more, Jess dear. Back you go now, to the questions I was asking then. '' Daisy insisted, but in a softer tone of voice, deliberately returning to her role as his surrogate mother.

'' Daisy. Likely there isn't anybody else walkin' the world anymore could get me to talk this out. '' Jess admitted, leaning forward, to capture her right hand with his left. And I'm still not sure how much of it you're gonna like hearin' .''

''But you're talking, and you're trying, you're not rushing back out the door. And all of that is a very good start, if you ask me, anyway. Go on, Jess. Tell me why you've been torturing yourself with these ideas? At least tell what started you thinking this way.''

'' I'm not out-and-out sure. Daisy, honest. It's not like I asked 'em all polite to come over for supper, one night and then put 'em up nice and cozy right under m' pillows! An' it's not like anybody meant to stir it all up again. It's not like I think she meant it to get to me this way, anyhow. Cause Francie didn't! '' Jess insisted, and in the next instant, just when Daisy feared he'd become angry again, he gaped at her and looked absolutely contrite.

My word! Am I going to have to ask my boys' relatives to stop writing them letters? Daisy wondered. ''Francine?'' Daisy spoke her thought, knowing she had to get to the root of this trouble, even if some minor level blame did attach to her middle son's surviving family. ''Jess, wait a moment. I remember, and this was nearly two months ago now, you got a whole series of letters from your sister. Some of them took a while longer than the others to get here. Some of them came fairly quickly. But a few came a long while after you got her wire her wire saying she and Ben are getting settled into their new home, at last.

I remember you read part of one to me, where Francine was saying she hadn't been able to talk about some things while she was here. That she still found she could more easily write than speak about some things. And what she meant, was that she could more easily write you than speak with you about your family, about the time they died, wasn't it? Isn't that what she wrote to you about, dear?''

''Yeah.'' Jess answered, as if he hoped to leave it at that lone, empty sounding word. Then Jess surprised Daisy one more time, because she feared he'd rush out the door again. Instead the Texan stood up, picked up his coffee cup, and gestured for the silver haired widow to follow him back to the parlour.

There, he took up his favorite rocking chair, braced his legs against the comforting motion and waited for Daisy to sit on the lovely bentwood rocker he and Slim had found for her at a neighbor's auction sale.

" Daisy, I'm not proud of th' way I've been actin' lately, not for a minute. An' I can't make it make any sense at all, either. So I'm not expectin' you to think it does. But … I get this really, really good news from Francie an' stead of sendin' up skyrockets, I'm down in th' dumps! I get word from Jemmy, first time in mebbee three years or four, an' I play little-kid games, hidin' his letter. 'm not sleepin', not even restin' much, lately.

Every night for a week I've gone out t' th bunkhouse an' set there, just countin' th' chinks in' the wall! An' then, 'm jumpier than a long tailed cat an' meaner tempered than a too early rousted-out grizzly! An' it's not like I don't know that getting' no sleep don't help with m' temper. An' it's not like I can rightly blame Francie for what I'm doin' here, cause I can't an' I don't!"

''Jess, I don't blame Francine, either. Of course I don't. She loves you dearly. Noone who's seen her with you could doubt that for even an instant. ' Daisy told him. ''But it was reading and rereading her letters that somehow triggered all these awful thoughts for you, wasn't it?''

''Daisy…'' Jess said, ten times more quietly and contritely, than he'd been a moment before. '' m' sorry. I keep sayin' that, don't I ? Reckon you won't go on takin my word for it''

'' Of course I will! Now, you're going to go on with that story, Jess, but

first you're going to listen hard and well to me, young man. You're right, I understand that kind of grieving, that horrible, devouring remorse, wishing I'd gone in their place, of course! I went through it, and I came out the other side. And when I did, I felt my struggles were, out of a rather grey, unfriendly seeming sky, rewarded. And you know how. You and Slim and Mike needed me here, and rather badly, better than that, you wanted me here, and that's so very much better than only being needed!

And somehow, Mike and I , Slim and you have made a family that loves this place, this home of ours, and each other, a family that does understand and care for and trust one another. A family that of course includes young Andy and Jonesy. And sometimes I think it includes Mose, and Mort Corey, as well! But it's our present, our future, Jess.

What you're going through, just lately, if you ask my opinion is a kind of fight, a quarrel, between loving this new family, your present and mourning the other, your past. And that sort of conflict can surely cause one perplexity. That's not going crazy, dear, that's only realizing one's changed. And you have, you're not that ten and a half year old orphan. You're not the fifteen year old who ran off to a real War. And if I understand what both you and Slim tell me, you're not the same drifter who came here a few Years ago. Are you?''

'' No, reckon, reckon 'm not them anymore. '' Jess shrugged.

''Well, good, that's a start. Now, come sit down, I'll make up another pot of coffee this is going to take some while longer, I see.''

'' You, Daisy, you for certain sure don't figure I'm getting crazed, then?'' Jess asked, looking and sounding like a very little boy, in great need of her reassurance.

'' Not even the tiniest bit.'' She smiled back up at the tall, dark haired Texan. '' And you're not going to, Jess Harper, not on my watch. Now, you said you wanted to go to your momma's family in east Texas… Was there some reason you couldn't, right away?''

Jess looked away, so sharply at that question that Daisy knew she'd touched on an even more painful element to this story. And he was still biting his lower lip, still not meeting her eyes when he turned back again. [ So you're still not ready to tell me this part, alright, that's alright, Jess, dear, we'll get to it, when you are. ]

'' Dunno, mebbee there was, some kinda mix-up, mebbee there wasn't any money… to pay our way. We did go, for a spell. And that was fine, that was so fine, Daisy. 'ceptin' it was the second to last year, b'fore Th' War an' all.'' Jess finally said, when he knew she'd just stay there waiting on his answer.

''But I got us ahead of the story, just now… didn't I? Now, Jess, please, I want you to tell… to share with me the memories that have been hounding you for so very long. What brought you back, closer to being alive, again, Jess, dear? I know it took a huge struggle for me, to pass that Valley, Did someone help you?'' Daisy asked, still clasping his hand in hers.

''Well. there was that day I just decided to rest my bones a spell, in that clearin' up the hill from here, and this big blond fella with a rifle comes up and sticks that ol' rifle right in m' face.'' Jess gave her a half smile and a quicksilver wink. '' Figure you might've run into that same fella, around here, Daisy, seems to think he owns th' place or somethin'… ''

'' I might. But that was quite a long while after your terrible loss, dear. What did you do, what helped you at the time?'' Daisy chuckled.

''Well that was pretty near Th' most surprisin' part. I like I said b'fore, when I was thirteen, nearly fourteen, we caught a break, Danny an' Francie an' me. We got on back to east Texas, back to Nacogdoches. And we hadn't seen Aunt Beth, Cooper, Jeffy or Uncle Danny for a spell. Course they came on out for Th' services an' all. But Aunt Beth was in a bad way, she an' momma grew up real close like, and Uncle Danny he was pretty worried for her.

Aunt Beth she helped Francie with Th' goins on, Uncle Danny he walked all up and down Th' county with me, and sometimes we'd just ride, Uncle Danny an' Coop, an me. And they had a preacher come, one who'd known my momma, 'stead of th' circuit rider… And he read her favorite 'th' one all 'bout mountin like eagles. ''

''But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength.'' Daisy began to recite the versefrom Isaiah. 'They shall mount up with wings, as eagles. They shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint'. I've always loved and found a great deal of comfort from that, myself. ''

''Yeah, momma loved it, too. '' Jess nodded, sadly, hearing Jenny Harper recite the verse almost at the same time. ''And then I went and wrecked all th' plans they were tryin' to make!''

''Why, what do you mean, Jess?'' Daisy asked, surprised as he got angry again, slamming one fist into the palm of his other hand.

''They were all ready to take us on back east. And I pitched a fit! I said we couldn't' go with 'em cos those Bannisters, they'd come after all of us, cos we knew well and good what they done. And mebbee they'd come after Aunt Beth an' Uncle Danny, their kids, cos they'd heard from us what happened and how come. Figure I was half off my head, then. Thinkin about it all, now. But right then, I said Daddy'd left me head of th' family, so it was my call! And everybody argued it with me and I wasn't havin' any of it! I just wasn't!

I kept wakin' up screamin' from nightmares all th' time back then. But they weren't just with the babies, or with Daddy, or momma trapped, in th' house. They were all of our folks getting th' same things done them! And I told Francie, th' onliest way we could keep th' rest of our kin safe ever anymore, was to get ourselves out of th' Panhandle… and split up and just stay that way for just about ever! So, it's a lie, what I said that other folks split us up. It wasn't them, at all. It was all me, I done that, all myself.'' Jess finished, once more turning his blue sky gaze away.

''But you were still a boy, dear. They could have made other choices, surely.'' Daisy tried to reassure him, reaching for his hands again.

'' But I begged 'em not to, y' see. I went to Aunt Beth an' I just begged her not to. An' she said she couldn't turn momma's son down, not when I done that. So we got me off one way an' Francie off another an' I thought wherever I went, then I'd come on back and kill me some fire startin' cowardly murderin' land grabbers But I'd just turned eleven, by then and I wasn't any head of anything. I was just a scared little boy, who was never gonna be just a scared little boy, again, ever.

Turns out, they figured pretty well I wasn't doin' all that well, And they made sure all three of us were fine, and safe. They humored me for a spell, and then I found out. And I pretty near blew! I was crazed then, y' see, so

I know what it can feel like. And I treated them awful, I said things to Aunt Beth… ''

Once more Jess stopped, because as they had for so long now, the words caught in his throat, fighting to keep from coming out, from making that time real, again. Then he felt Daisy still gripping his hand, and looked over at her albeit sadly, smiling face.

''You must have been terrified then, dear, and who could blame you? I'm sure they never did, and as far as feeling 'crazed', Jess, I'm sorry but that's part of grieving, too. Part of grieving such a devastating loss as yours is perfectly reasonable fear, Jess. And you can see that now, I know you can understand that it was wholly sane to be afraid of losing your surviving family when so much of it was so horribly taken, gone in just one night. Only how could a boy of eleven, who just lost his parents and half of his siblings, and their home ever know that? I'd say you're the one here who needs to 'cut that boy and yourself some slack' Did I say that right?''

'' Just right, Daisy. But, dang! You're stubborn!'' Jess exclaimed.

'' I am, when it's needed. Now, we're making fine progress, but you haven't finished telling me how you came out of what must have been your very darkest time. ''Daisy answered him, calmly.

''Well, like I said, that caught me flatfooted. Aunt Beth sent for all of us. And I figured she was just bein' generous and thinkin' of Francie, cos I figured she'd have to still be furious with me. And Francie, she said, after we got there, she wouldn't have come if I wasn't made just as welcome. And I made my way east. Now I was thirteen by then, and I'd found out a lot of interestin' ways to cross country. So there I was dusty and dirty and lookin' like a tramp, I'd have to guess and I started to trudge up Th' drive to Aunt Beth's house.

And I don't know, Daisy, I still don't know how it could be. But she was waitin there, waitin' for me to show up, Aunt Beth. And she came scurryin' down Th' porch steps and then down Th' drive, all by herself and she just kinda glommed onta me And I couldn't say a thing, couldn't look her in Th' eye, didn't want to start in bawlin. So I just kinda glommed on, right back. And she just kept holdin' on and whisperin' '' Oh, my, Jess… Oh, my Jess, how I've missed you, so very much and much…'' Jess shook his head, blinking those threatening tears back again.

''And what I heard underneath that was: She forgave me… after I wouldn't trust her, after I wouldn't come home with her. She'd gone and already forgave me! And she always, always did, then, and later, later on, when I'd run off to th' fightin'. And when I come back after… almost in worse case than the first time.

Always, when I didn't think she could, ever, she still forgave me. And I couldn't figure how, how she did when I did then and still do have my biggest problem with just that forgivin'… ''

''Jess, thank you, thank you so very much, dear.'' Daisy said quietly, pressing his hand.

''Daisy, why? What're you thankin me for?'' Jess asked, his blue sky eyes still brightened by tears.

''Because, dear, it means a great deal that you would confide all this in me.'' Daisy said.

'' I almost, Daisy, listen, don't laugh at me, and don't tell a word of this to Slim or Mose, or anybody, I almost felt like I was talkin about it all, finally, with momma, just then. Kinda crazy, ain't that?''

'' No, Jess, I don't think that's any kind of crazy.'' Daisy shook her silver grey head of curls emphatically. '' Some people truly believe that love the best kinds of love live on forever, that that's what makes our souls immortal. And I guess I'm one of those people. Now, what else is there to your worries and your bad dreams, Jess, you've been so courageous telling me so much, but… ''

''But you can read me like an open book, Daisy Cooper!'' Jess nearly laughed, shaking his head again. '' All right… what still makes me wonder…

is if Granddaddy Nate was right, if that whole nightmare time up on th' Panhandle was s'posed to happen, but it happened later on, when I'd got back from th' War, mi' mebbee I could've - done somethin, somethin' more to help them, an' to stop those murderers.

And more than that, even if I could never have stopped what happened, Mebbee I could've handled it - a lot better than I did, a lot better than I ever have. But I'll never know if that's so, will I ?'' Jess asked, wondering, and not for the first time, how this kind hearted, caring adoptive mother found him, and Slim and Mike, in what seemed the nick of time for them all.

'' There's no clear answer to that, dear. I surely wish there was. But I know a whole lot of people, present company very much included, who are very glad you are still 'here', Jess. And I can surely tell you what, after going through my own grieving, I finally came to believe: That my dearest ones, my own lost ones, are also glad I'm still here, to stand for them, Jess, and to do what they would have done. How else, why else did I find my three boys waiting here, in such need of a mother's touch?'' Daisy suggested, keeping her hold on the young man's hand.

'' Figure we pretty much just lucked out, that day.'' Jess said, with another wan grin and a shrug.

'' And Slim, Andy and Jonesy, as well as Mike and me, didn't 'luck out' when you got here? I don't' agree. And I'll tell you why, Jess, but briefly. Sadly, I never had the chance to meet your dear parents. But I did meet Francine, and I've gotten to know you, rather well. And what I see, dear,is what must be the gentle nature you say your father had, every time you ruffle Mike's hair, or kiss my head, or gentle a broody mare… or her nervous colt. And what I hear, whenever you stand up for someone not as strong as my brave son, Jess, is what surely is the strong heart you give me to believe your mother had, traveling halfway across Texas, thousands of miles from her own family, to build a new one,.

And what I feel is without a doubt the full measure of the warm, bright, caring, laughing sensibilities of your brothers and sisters, acting just like a burst of sunshine whenever someone selfish or greedy or just wrong headed tries to darken your world. You say you're dark like your father, so I see him in that way, and in the way you stand up to a bully, as well. And I'm certain that when you get angry with a liar or a cheat, I hear your father's strong sense of Justice, flashing in your voice, too. Now, are you going to try to argue that with me, Jess?'' Daisy challenged him, with a mischievous wink.

'' Wouldn't dream of it. So, you're sayin', bein' a former Reb, former gunfighter, former drifter , that bein' me, is carryin' on, what they would've been doin', for my family, that's gone?'' Jess asked.

'' Very much so, yes.'' Daisy nodded, emphatically at him.

''And you're sayin' that's why I'm still walkin' th' earth?'' Jess demanded.

''Yes, yes I am. But for heaven's sake, Jess don't ask me why anyone has to go through what you did as a boy, or why life can't teach us it's lessons more gently.''

''I was never that good with m' lessons. Mebbee that's why cos I'm so danged hard-headed. Reckon a lot of us Johnny Rebs, our 'lessons' never came 'easy'. And some of those lessons ,can still twist around, come back up an' bite, an' bite down hard''

'' Jess, I've never been a soldier, or imagined being one, although I've heard of some brave young women who were. But what you're telling me sounds very painful, with these memories hitting so hard, again. '' Daisy offered, trying to somehow reassure him, patting his hand, the way she would Mike's. ''And I'd think that would be very disturbing for you, dear. Noone wants to relive such awful times. But when we do, when we do, and others don't share those memories, it can be very hard.''

''Daisy, that's it, you're getting this, just like I thought you would! But, you really don't think it sounds, y' know, sort of crazed?''

'' No, Jess, no, not at all! Why, anyone who's suffered a great loss could react that way, dear. You want to remember only the good things about the ones who are gone now. You want to recall only the good times of the past that's also dead and gone. But those sweet things, those wonderful times, Jess, they're all tied up, all woven in with the awful times, the sad times, and the failings, our sense of failing them. Oh, you're perfectly right, dear, I very well, understand fighting against the worst of my memories, the grief, the anger… the remorse I've felt, just for the fact that I'm still

here and they're …gone.''

Now Jess caught Daisy's left hand in his right and squeezed it, trying again, to send through some wordless comfort. ''And it comes down hardest whenever I start in feelin sorry for ol' Jess again. Poor fella! Poor me! Sure, right! Fellas like me, folks say we don't know how good we've got it, Don't they? Folks say we'd kick if we had both legs cut off.''

'' Well anyone who said that about you, in my hearing wouldn't say it twice!'' Daisy insisted. '' Because you're not still entirely caught up in all these horrid memories, Jess. If you were, you wouldn't have the sense to know that some people might not 'get it'… Jess, you're not even remotely the kind of man who thinks he's the only one who matters! You care more about Traveler, and any other horse of your acquaintance than you do yourself! You care more about stray calves than most men do about stray children! And … you are simply wonderful as a father or an uncle or whatever you want to call yourself, with Mike. Why, Jess Harper, you've got a heart as big as Wyoming Territory… or should I have said as big as Texas?'' Daisy said with a small, warm smile.

'' Well, there's nothin' really as big as all of Texas.'' Jess asserted, with wan smile answering hers.

'' Oh, no, of course not, dear.'' Daisy sagely agreed.

'' Of course, never bein' a soldier you might not get that worryin about a stray calf is pretty much like worryin about next weeks rations, only still on th' hoof.'' Jess half grinned.

''Oh, Jess! Surely you don't imagine a woman doesn't worry about what she's got at hand to feed her hungry brood, do you? But you had more to tell me, didn't you, dear?'' the widow asked him.

''Reckon so, I just, Daisy, how can I think Slim would get this? I can't, not

all the time, so of course, he can't! He pretty much wants to - figure what goes on in this old cracked brain-pan of mine. well, how can he? I can't figure it that well, myself, most times. And how could I expect Slim or Mort or anybody that didn't go through all of that to get it, anyway?"

''Well, we'll get back to discussing Slim after while, dear. We're talking about you, now, Jess.'' Daisy insisted.

'' Yeah.. figure we are… Daisy… mebbee you know how this part went, too… Right at first, after th'… fire, I was nothin' but scared an' angry… all th' danged time… an' I think… mebbee… then, I kinda did go… off my nut… An' then after a time, I didn't feel so crazed, cos I didn't feel too much at all, lost track of a lot of that time, around then, didn't even know how to feel.

Folks would ask me, 'how d'you feel, Jess?' An' I'd stare right through 'em, cos I plumb didn't know how to feel, then. But I, mi' mebbee this is where you get a lot of what I'm sayin', Daisy, I was a whole lot dead, for awhile, back then. Only wanted two things, in the whole, entire world, then, and for a long spell after, and I couldn't have either one: My people back alive, and their killers buried in their own corner of Perdition, right next to mine!''

'' Well, of course you did!'' Daisy answered, so emphatically she saw it nearly made Jess jump in surprise. '' Jess, that may not be what you expected me to say. And it may not be the most uplifting moral judgment, either. But it's a perfectly understandable human reaction to mourning. Maybe you're a little disappointed to hear that, dear. But there's nothing crazed about wanting your family back again, or wanting those dreadful persons punished!''

''Daisy Cooper, if you're tryin' to tell me you wanted to go out after – whoever had to do with your family dyin'. '' Jess almost smiled at the idea. '' I'm gonna tell you I just flat won't believe it.''

'' That's as may be, Jess Harper. But I can and I will set you straight on that matter, right now, this minute! You lost most of your family in one night. My loss took a little while longer. You hated the people responsible. Well, I hated the battles, and the illnesses they – succumbed to. And more than that, you might not have thought in those terms, as a boy, but you hated G-d, too, for allowing that horror to happen.

I know, Jess, because I hated Him, too, and for some good while afterwards. And I let Him know that, on a regular basis, pretty much day and night for a time, in fact. And now I'm so glad I had those 'discussions', I suppose my other relatives and friends thought I was only grieving and praying. But you and I know better. And so does every living soul whose known the tearing pain of losing those we love so very much. And what's so crazy about that? I'll tell you what, nothing.''

'' You had discussions – with G-d?'' Jess asked, as if it was an entirely new and strange idea.

''I did. We had actual arguments. Well, He didn't exactly bother to respond, not in so many words, anyway.

I was in a great deal of pain, the kind of pain I'd wish my boys knew nothing at all about, yet all of you have felt it, you and Mike and Slim. We all know better than we'd ever wish to, how loving can become as painful as it once was joyous.

We've all learned how a heart can break, and not in that schoolgirl romance way at all, but actually seem to tear apart, leaving us with only the pieces, when we're the ones left behind. And we've all come much closer than we ever dreamed to that terrible moment when it seems our bonds to the ones we love are cut, and forever. And yes, I said 'seems' because that's just what I came to learn, Jess, when my own dearest ones, my dearest loves, were gone.''

''Daisy – '' Jess shook his head and tried to find her some word of comfort. Finally he just sighed and touched her cheek for an instant, then tiredly dropped his hand back to the table. '' They are gone. Guess that's not what either of us wants to hear, or wants to know. Don't' we have to – just know that? Isn't that what – we're s'posed to do? Admit th' truth of th' matter, an' let them – let them go? Isn't that what ever' one always says, you've got to do – just accept it?''

''Yes, everybody says that, dear. But you were right, I've struggled with all these same questions and I've come to some – more complete, if not finished answers. And it took a great deal of time. And it took a lot of striving. And as I said, in all honesty, it took a lot of arguing with G-d on my part, too. And then, finally, as if to make what I'd learned clear as day, it took my finding a family here, just as you did, two years before.

It took my finding I had a family here waiting for me, when I was truly ready to give up and – just accept my loneliness, my feelings of remorse, and my sense of failing the ones I loved so much. But here you were, you and your brothers, wanting and needing me, immediately! Well, I suppose Jonesy wouldn't' mind if I said he more qualifies as an uncle And that wanting, Jess! That was the real miracle to me. Your wanting me to stay here, was such a gift to me, so much beyond your need for a weary old widowed-woman!.'' Daisy smiled and saw just a glimmer of a more Jessian smile pull at the Texan's handsome mouth.

'' So, we were here, to show you that – your family – your family back up east, wasn't truly gone? An' that showed you – that when a body loses – somebody – They don't - not really? Daisy, I mi' mebbee a bit tired an' mi' mebbee I'm not as quick on th' uptake as I'd like. But I'm not exactly getting four when I put those two an' two t'gether. Help me out here, a bit more, will you?'' Jess asked, and Daisy had to hold back a giggle now, because he'd managed to scrunch his handsome features very much the way Mike did when similarly confused by grown folks.

[ But maybe it's Mike who scrunches his face the way Jess is doing right now, not the other way around.]

''I'd be glad to. And I hope you don't find this altogether too much poetic license, dear.'' Daisy nodded. '' What I mean to say is that, as we're often told, and don't as often believe, Love is immortal. It is what puts us here to begin with. It is what remains when our – earthly forms – fail us. It can't be destroyed, by fire or illness or time, or by anyone or – anything in our puny human power, or our feeble human understanding. We're only mortal creatures as far as our – bodies – are concerned, not as far as our spirits, Jess. And I think you do know the truth of that. And I think you might even feel it, as much as I do, sometimes, when Mike does something that every other boy his age has ever done, and you see your younger brothers in him,

Or Slim takes 'command' and finds ways to make this home of ours run smooth as silk, despite all his worries, like my father could, and I think, likely yours and a great many other fathers manage to do – for their families. And I know I feel it, Jess, when you take on any and all comers, to defend us and our little home, here, the way any brother or son or father – or mother for that matter will, against any odds whatsoever. It's our love for each other that opens our eyes and hearts to all that, to know what truly matters – and what doesn't. Our seeming differences – they aren't what matters. Our hearts – our open hearts – wanting this home of ours so much more than we merely need it, that's what brought us all here. That's what holds us together – against all odds and any comers.''

'' An' th' way you take on all an' any crazed notions I come up with?'' Jess asked her, very softly. ''Not to mention all Slim's plans an' projects?''

''Something along those lines, dear. Yes. Something like that. Does that help?''

'' Daisy, I think it does, I think so, mi' mebbee.'' Jess nodded, and stood up again, going for another cup of coffee.

'Jess, have some water, now, not more coffee, please!'' Daisy pleaded, with a mitigating smile, ''Or you'll be up the rest of the night!''

'' Yes, mom.'' Jess said, obeying her wishes with a nod and a small, wan smile of his own.

''Thank you, dear.'' Daisy said.

''Daisy, I still gave Slim kinda hard time, b'fore. Mebbee I should go talk to…''

''You should and you will go right to bed and start catching up on your sleep, young man. Then, tomorrow you and Slim can work out your travel plans.''

'' Umm… our travel plans, Daisy? Pard, what's going on?'' Slim asked, yawning as he popped his head in the front door.

'' I think Daisy … I mean General Cooper here, is just about ready to give us our marchin' orders, Pard. Or mebbee our walkin' papers.'' Jess tiredly grinned.

'' The former rather than the latter, young mister, unless you two rascals start seriously misbehaving again, that is!'' Daisy sternly insisted.

''And just what are … our orders, General Cooper… ma'am?'' Slim managed to ask, almost without cracking a smile. Almost.

'' Jess is going to go on and see his cousin, Jemmy, as he was asked to do. They haven't met and talked in seven years and more, so it can only do them both a world of good. And in the fall, unless there's some reason I don't know and can't think of just now, Jess will be going to California to meet his new nephew or niece!'' Daisy answered.

'' And what about Slim?'' Jess demanded to know. ''Doesn't he get any orders, ma'am?''

'' He surely does!'' Daisy nodded, grinning widely. '' Slim is going to visit with Andy and Jonesy in St. Louis, once Jess gets back to mind the store and the station with me. Mike will be done with school for the year, by then. So we can talk about him finally going to meet his uncle Jonesy and his brother, Andy.

It's about time those two young men got to know each other face to face, I'd say, wouldn't you? And unless there's some other reason I can't think of and don't know of now, Andy and Jonesy will come home for the holidays, just the way family should! And right now, both of you foolish boys are traveling no further than your respective bunks! Get moving!''

'' Yes, ma'am, General… I mean… Doctor Cooper, ma'am… I mean… Yes, ma'am!'' Jess saluted her, managing a weary chuckle.

'' Enough of that! Now, march!'' Daisy laughed in turn, but gave not an inch of ground. Deciding on the better part of valor, Jess wordlessly saluted Daisy and then once more planted a kiss atop her silvery curls, while Slim immediately followed suit, after which they just barely accomplished an orderly retreat.

Following 'orders', Jess packed up fairly early the next morning, after Daisy made sure he had the socks she'd darned, the shirt and the denims she'd mended, and a good supply of her molasses cookies. ' You boys couldn't go more than a week, a fortnight at the outside, without my molasses cookies!' Daisy laughed.

'' And that would be goin' it some!'' Jess grinned, and kissed the top of her silvery grey head again. '' And we couldn't ever go even that long without you, Daisy Cooper.''

''And don't I know it! Just you take care, you rapscallion!'' the widow said with a new note of worry in her voice and in her smile, and in her wide grey eyes. First thing this morning, Jess read his cousin's letter, and then read it to both his partner and their surrogate mother.

'' Yeah, I was wrong. And I don't want to hear any I told you sos, Pard.'' Jess frowned. '' Jemmy isn't up to any devilment this time. But someone surely is. And it's something to do with the 8th Texas. Don't know why, I surely don't. But it always seemed like we were always in one kind of trouble or another, in Terry's Rangers. Course, back then, some folks seemed to think there was a War on!''

'' I think I did hear something about that, myself, Pard.'' Slim shook his head. '' Keep your eyes open on the road, Jess. This sounds like more than just some devilment, at least the way we used to mean it, in the 1st Nebraska.''

'' I will.'' Jess shrugged. '' But then, I always have done, or I likely wouldn't be here. And I … need to… I need to be here for the folks who ain't any longer. Don't I, Daisy?''

'' And for the folks who are, Jess.'' Daisy nodded, glad to hear he'd taken her words to heart.'' I'll miss you, you young scoundrel! But I am proud of you, for going to help your cousin.''

Jess beamed at that, warmed by her praise, and promptly pecked a kiss on Daisy's smiling face. ''Well, I've got to get. It's a good nine, ten days ride, just to get from here to the North Platte where Jemmy said he'd be stoppin' next, most likely. And maybe, just maybe…'' the Texan grinned again, clearing pondering something.

'' Hey, Jess! Maybe what, Jess?'' Mike demanded, rushing out of the ranch house at full tilt, so as not to miss wishing Jess a good trip east.

'' Whoa, hold it, Tiger!'' Jess said, catching the little boy, when Mike stumbled. '' How're you gonna take care of these two, and the ranch and the relays for me while I'm away, if you trip over your own boots and break your leg?''

'' Don't worry 'bout that, Jess.'' Mike insisted, as he had all during breakfast, when he wasn't chattering excitedly about his possible trip to St Louis with Slim. '' I've got it figured, every bit of it! Everything will be runnin' smooth as … just smooth as anything! Maybe what?''

'' Maybe I'll be able to bring you back a surprise you'd never expect, Tiger, is what I was thinkin'.'' Jess grinned at the boy's single-minded need to know.

''Jess, what?'' the tyke demanded to know.

'' Well, I' druther not say, just yet, Mike. It'll depend on a lot of different things and different folks helpin' me get it figured. So, d' you think you can keep from just plumb expirin' from not knowin' in the meantime?''

'' Oh, yeah, I s'pose so.'' Mike frowned, he knew Jess wasn't going to say another word about this possible surprise just now. All the signs and signals were there on the Texan's face and in his blue eyes. Jess had something in mind he thought would be a lot of fun, that much was certain sure, the little boy could guess. And he meant to 'spring it on' the rest of them, when everything 'fell into place', but not even one instant before. '' They don't have any more Injuns back in that ol' Nebras… Nebraska, do they, Jess?''

'' Oh they've still got one or two, I reckon. Why, Mike? D' you want me to bring you back a Pawnee squaw?'' Jess joked.

'' What for, Jess, they're girls!'' Mike grimaced. '' Nope, I just wondered, that's all, if Injuns would be somethin' you oughta be lookin' out for. I was just wonderin' if you might need some fella to ride along an' watch your back… that's all.''

'' Well, that's never a bad idea, Tiger. But Nebraska's pretty well settled, these days, so I'm not that awfully worried. B'sides you just got done sayin' you'd be taking care of the ranch an' all while I'm away, didn't you?'' Jess asked, keeping a serious manner with the little boy. This is the way he'd seen his own father deal with Jess and his brothers, years ago, and the way Slim did with both Andy and Mike, showing the boys far more respect than most grown folks would.

Mike grinned again and nodded. ''You'll see, Jess! I'm gonna get everything done just fine! Promise!''

''Well now, that's all I was waiting to hear.'' Jess grinned back, and ruffled Mike's mop of light brown hair. Then he mounted Traveler, with a rueful look at the saddle bags, straining to hold the 'few things' Daisy packed in them, for his journey. '' Don't let your new ranch-boss work you too hard now, Pard.'' the Texan laughed.

'' Don't worry, there will still be a lot of work to get done when you get back here, Pard.'' Slim laughed right back. ''I promise.''

Shaking his head, Jess turned Traveler, who seemed more eager than Jess was for the open road. Now the Texan simply smiled and nodded to Daisy, who was watching him leave, her wide, wise grey eyes smiling. Then Jess rode out and east, trying to recall the last time he'd taken this direction, except for a few, rare trips to Cheyenne.