Black And Blue

AllzStar

As soon as the feeling had come, it was gone.

I finally managed to tear my gaze away from Jaxx's eyes. I had seen it. I had seen the love in her eyes, but now it was gone.

As casually as I could, I turned my face away from her and looked at the sea behind us. I could feel the heat in my cheeks and I didn't want her to see the blood pooling there. I couldn't afford to fall in love now. Not when Narnia was depending on me…

A gentle breeze caressed the back of my head, sending wisps of my hair darting in my face. I longed for all this war and violence in Narnia to be over. It was such a beautiful place and yet so many horrific things had taken place there.

I found myself remembering the first few weeks of my time in Narnia. The snowy landscape, meeting the Beavers, crossing the river, Edmund's betrayal, meeting Father Christmas; all these things had happened when I was still a child. I didn't grow up until we believed Aslan dead and it had been me forced to lead the army against the White Witch. Then I had grown old before my time, but only until the war ended.

I tried to remember what it was like, being innocent. I couldn't see it in any of my siblings' faces anymore, except perhaps Lucy, but she too had seen so many horrible things here in Narnia. I couldn't taste it in the air or feel it in anything I touched.

And then there was Jaxx.

What were we going to do about Jaxx?

She didn't remember a thing.

I was quite impressed at how well my siblings had concealed our recognition when she had hobbled across the beach. Of course we knew Jaxx.

She had been there to make us feel better when we were at Professor Kirke's house. The old magician's granddaughter had been very understanding about our worries about the war.

When Lucy had first stepped into Narnia and none of us believed her, Jaxx had.

And when we all fell into Narnia, Jaxx had been with us.

She had marvelled at the snow and absolutely adored the Beavers. Still innocent as ever, she was the sweetest girl we'd ever known.

When Edmund left, she became more serious about the matters at hand. She was like an older version of Lucy, only more wise.

Father Christmas had seen that innocence beneath the shield she had created around herself. He had given her a gift to help her keep the innocence but also rise above it just enough so that she wouldn't be felled by any enemy. He had given her a sword, much like Peter's, and he had told her, as he had told the rest of us, to use it wisely.

She had. When the war came, she had stood right there beside Oreius and I, abroad a majestic palomino horse, her face a picture of the determination that I had felt deep down inside. I remembered the image of her, her golden hair tied in a thick braid at the back of her head, her black eyes shining with defiance and loathing as we faced the Witch's army.

Jaxx, Lady Knight of Narnia. No more.

Among the more terrible things I saw that day at war, none was more jarring than watching Jaxx fall. I had stabbed hundreds of creatures and sliced off body parts and seen my friends die before my very eyes, but nothing stood out more clearly in my memory than Edmund getting stabbed, and Jaxx falling. I remembered the rage I had felt when I saw Jadis plunge her broken wand into my brother's abdomen. I remembered hearing Jaxx's piercing, shrill scream as she tumbled from the ridge, watching Jadis shove my friend off the edge, the rage I felt welling inside of me and the hate that tore up my heart.

Jaxx hadn't been the same after that. Even with Lucy's fire-flower juice, it did not give her back her memory. The only thing Jaxx remembered was the name she had given herself once we arrive in Narnia. Her name was Carmen-Marie Jackson, and Jaxx evolved from her last name. Her parents were confused on why she insisted on being called Jaxx. They knew nothing of Narnia; they believed she had fallen down the stairs at Professor Kirke's house and hit her head. Only my siblings and I knew what had really happened to her.

Of course the only option had been to return her to the real world. Aslan had summoned Professor Kirke to come and collect what remained of his granddaughter.

It had been heartbreaking.

When I looked at Jaxx now, all I felt was sadness. Sadness for her. I couldn't imagine not being able to remember Narnia. The real world was too boring compared to this magical land. Jaxx thought she was new to Narnia and she had come here by mistake and she meant nothing here. But she was wrong. She was known, as were we, as a Queen of Old to Narnia. She had been summoned with us, I knew it. It was just a coincidence she had bumped into Susan before we were pulled into Narnia. And she meant a lot to Narnia—to me—just as we Pevensies did.

"Perhaps we should get you your own sword."

I had nearly started crying when I said that. Jaxx did have a sword. It was in the treasure chamber at Cair Paravel, in Susan's trunk. The dress she was wearing was her own. I didn't know why Susan hadn't given Jaxx her sword, but I was awfully sorry she hadn't. Jaxx needed that sword. Maybe it would help her remember…. Then again, if staring at my eyes all the time hadn't made her remember, I didn't know what would.

"Peter?"

I was yanked from my memories and back into the present by Edmund's voice. "We're here. You've been sitting there for five minutes."

I looked at him, trying to understand what he was saying. Then the meaning of his words donned on me and I scrambled from the boat.

"Sorry," I said, feeling a blush once again creep into my face. "I was…thinking."

"Obviously." Edmund smiled wryly and bounced off.

I tried to ignore Lucy's giggles and Susan's exasperated eye-rolling. Jaxx only looked at me questioningly, her head cocked to one side, her mouth slightly open and her tongue between her teeth. I knew that look. She was trying to figure something out.

We had arrived at what seemed to be the end of the ravine and were climbing up a highly vegetated hill. It was cool and damp here because of the shade, and dew was dripping off the trees' branches.

Jaxx and I fell behind again as Trumpkin led the way up the steep ascent. She still had that confused look on her face, and I was toying with the idea of telling her the truth. After all, Jaxx remaining oblivious wouldn't help us win this war. Wouldn't it be better if she knew everything? Would it help her remember if I told her all that had happened?

I walked a little faster and ended up beside Susan, and Edmund ended up trailing behind with Jaxx.

I leaned closer to Susan and talked quietly so Jaxx wouldn't hear. "I think it's time we tell her everything."

Susan shot me a disapproving look. "Peter, you know why we can't do that."

"No, I don't. Enlighten me." I pursed my lips, trying not to get frustrated right off the bat.

"It would overwhelm her. She doesn't even remember us, Peter. We're strangers to her, remember? Don't you think it'll frighten her off if she thinks we're making up a bunch of wild stories about her?" Susan chanced a look back at the blonde girl, then gave me a knowing look.

I sighed. "But she's our friend, Susan. It's our fault she got in this situation anyway. Don't you think we owe her an explanation? If anything at least she'll know what really happened to her."

Susan shook her head. "It's too risky. If she gets freaked out, she'll run. And there's no way she'll survive out there, most especially if she doesn't remember a thing. She won't be able to get out, she'll be trapped."

"Alright," I said, breathing deeply. Keep control, Peter. "Well, if we can't tell her, we've got to make her remember somehow."

"If she was meant to come here with us the way we know she was, it will all come back to her in time." Susan placed a reassuring hand on my shoulder. "I know how hard this must be for you. But please—for her sake—don't tell her anything yet. Please?"

I exhaled sharply and nodded.

Susan forced a smile. "Thank you."

Suddenly Lucy had my hand in hers and was pulling me along. "Come on, Peter! Trumpkin says we're almost there!"

I grinned at my older sister and then allowed the younger to pull me ahead.

We had finally reached the top of the gorge, and stood looking across it. I felt my face drain of color. We couldn't be on the wrong side…

"Is there a way across?" I asked, feeling incredibly stupid.

"Yeah. Falling," Trumpkin grumbled.

Susan sighed. "Let's go back and find a way around."

I lowered my eyes as Trumpkin, Edmund and Susan began to make their way down. Jaxx turned away from the gorge and tried to meet my eye, but I evaded her gaze. I felt like such an idiot. My ears, I just knew, were pink.

"Aslan?" Lucy said suddenly. "Aslan! It's Aslan!"

Everyone turned to look at her.

Lucy's round face was lit up in an enormous smile. "It's Aslan! Don't you see? He's right over—" She turned back around to face the gorge and her smile instantly faded. "…there."

Jaxx put a hand on Lucy's shoulder. "Where?"

"He's gone," Lucy said sadly.

I stood beside my sister and peered over at the other side. "I don't see anything, Lu."

"He was there! I saw him!"

"Lucy…" Susan looked at her sister with a sort of exasperated expression.

Edmund grinned at his sister. "The last time I didn't believe Lucy…I ended up looking pretty stupid."

"I believe you, Lu," said Jaxx quietly.

Lucy looked at my expectantly.

I shook my head. "I'm sorry, Lucy."

*

I walked back down the path with Susan, Edmund and Lucy, with Trumpkin in front of us, occasionally trying to shoot Peter sympathetic looks. But he never met my gaze. He kept his eyes on the ground, and had a very pouty air, and he trailed along behind the rest of us. Obviously he wasn't please he'd taken us the wrong way.

"I just wish he'd listened to the D.L.F. in the first place," Susan was whispering harshly to her sister and me.

"D.L.F.?" Edmund asked, joining in our conversation.

"Dear Little Friend," Lucy answered, nodding her head towards Trumpkin and smiling wickedly.

"Oh…that's not at all patronizing, is it?" Trumpkin said, without looking at us.

Lucy and I giggled, and soon Susan was back to criticizing Peter.

Just as she was going on about how Peter always acted so high-and-mighty, I'd had it. "Hey, give him a break! It's not his fault everything looks different since the last time he was here. And everyone makes mistakes. Plus, I suppose it doesn't help having to babysit you three at the same time!"

Susan's mouth dropped open, clearly offended, and the younger two only stared at me. Susan stalked off to join Trumpkin, her purple skirt swishing along behind her.

I faced Edmund and Lucy bashfully. "I'm sorry, you too. That comment was mostly meant for Susan. It just came out wrong."

Lucy took my hand and squeezed it. "It's okay. You were only defending Peeeter." She smiled that wry smile again.

I blushed and tried not to meet Edmund's eye. Thanks a lot, Lucy.

As we were hiking across several rocks and weeds, Trumpkin and Peter were at it again, but in a slightly more playful tone. Only slightly.

"There's got to be a way across." Peter climbed on a rather large boulder and tried to see over the looming rock walls that surrounded us. There were trees, rocks, weeds, and bugs everywhere.

"Well, unless I'm mistaken, there's no crossing in these parts," said the dwarf slowly, half rolling his eyes.

"That's it, then. You're mistaken," snapped Peter, glaring down at the little man. He jumped down from the rock.

Susan gazed around her at the waterless mini-gorge Peter had led us into. "You see, over time water erodes into the soil, then…"

"Oh, shut up," said Peter harshly.

"Maybe we should get a map?" I suggested to ease the tension. Then I realized how stupid that was.

Peter did, too. "Yeah, alright. We'll pick one up at the Tourist Kiosk."

"Peter," Susan said warningly.

"I know where I'm going!" There was a tense pause as we all continued climbing over smooth rock and grit. Then Peter spoke again. "That's the trouble, girls. You can't keep a map in your head."

"That's because our heads have something in them," I retorted instantly.

Susan and Lucy laughed. Peter gave me either a "that's enough" or a "you, too?" look (I couldn't tell which) and took off ahead. I felt bad. I just can't resist making clever come-backs like that.

We finally reached the other side of the gorge. We looked back to where we had been about an hour ago.

"So where did you think you saw Aslan, Lucy?" Peter asked, rather snidely.

Lucy practically exploded. "I wish you would all stop trying to sound like grown-ups! I didn't think I saw him, I did see him."

Trumpkin cleared his throat. "I…am a grown-up."

Lucy ignored him. "All the same, I did see him!"

"Look, I'm not going to go jumping off a cliff after someone that doesn't exist," Trumpkin explained.

I smiled and patted Lucy on the shoulder. "Where did you see him, Lu?"

She wandered forward; looking for the spot she'd seen her lion friend. "It was right…about…." Then she fell.

Her scream echoed around the walls of the gorge and through the leaves on the trees above us.

"LUCY!" Susan screamed as she lurched forwards, her siblings and I at her heels.

We collapsed at the edge of where the land had given in and looked down. There was Lucy, perfectly alright, sitting on a piece of rock that had thankfully been right underneath where she'd fallen.

"…here," finished Lucy, the color just returning to her cheeks, her green eyes wide with shock.

Peter grabbed Lucy's hands and pulled her up from the hole, the muscles of his back more tense than usual.

*

I couldn't sleep.

At all.

I couldn't even keep my eyes shut for too long.

I didn't want to go to sleep. What if I woke up at home or at the train station? What if all this really was a dream? I no longer wanted it to be a dream. I wanted it to be real. I wanted him to be real.

Susan and Lucy were talking quietly, and I listened to their hushed voices from where I lay next to Edmund.

"Why do you think I couldn't see Aslan?" Susan asked.

"Maybe you weren't looking," answered Lucy.

They talked for awhile longer, and then their breathing became slow and regular, and I knew they were asleep. I was about to get up and go for a walk, but someone beat me to it. I opened my eyes a fraction and saw Peter's strong silhouette against the bright moon. He walked away, one hand on the hilt of his sword. I waited a moment, then got up and followed him.

I found him crouching at the edge of a small pond, containing the same clear, turquoise water as the ocean. He washed his face and sighed a lot and stared into space for a long time. For a minute I just leaned against a tree and watched him. He fell back and sat down on the sand, stretching his arms out behind him, looking up at the star-spotted sky. It was then that I realized he wasn't wearing his tunic, or his shoes, only his brown pants.

I made noise as I approached him so as to not surprise him, and sat down beside him without a word.

"I couldn't sleep either," I said, looking out across the pond. On the far side a deer was bowing to drink from its clear depths. "I don't want to wake up and be somewhere else."

"You still think this is a dream?" Peter asked quietly.

The corner of my mouth curled upwards. "I hope it isn't."

"It's not," he said. "This is probably the most real my life has ever been. When I'm in Narnia I feel like…I feel like I actually matter to the world, you know? Like I can make a difference."

"I'm sure you're important to a lot of people in the real world, Peter," I offered thoughtfully. "And…here."

He turned his head to look at me, searched my face. "Will you let me do something?"

I looked at him and raised an eyebrow. "Depends what it is."

"I'm not going to hurt you."

"I know."

"I'll never hurt you."

I opened my mouth, and then closed it. I nodded instead, because my breath had been knocked out by the emotion and intensity he'd put in those four words.

He leaned towards me, never looking away from my eyes. His shoulder touched mine and my heart began to gallop wildly in my ribcage.

His face was now inches from mine; his warm breath tickled my nose and cheeks.

The kiss was soft, gentle, as if he was timidly finding out if I was okay with this. He drew away only far enough to look at my eyes, and then kissed me again. This time he applied more pressure; it was still tender but with more passion. His hand found the back of my neck as his soft lips caressed my own. I made a move to put my hand to his hair.

Suddenly he pulled away. "I'm sorry," he whispered. He shifted away from me and put his face in his hands. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have…I'm sorry."

I was instantly confused. "Why are you apologizing?"

"Jaxx, I…." He looked at me directly in the eye, and for the first time I could see all the pain that was buried in there, beneath the coolness and the pride. He was hurting, but I didn't know why.

"What?" I asked, touching his cheek lightly. "What's wrong, Peter?"

"Just forget this. You're good at that."

I frowned and my mouth popped open. "What?"

"Just forget this ever happened, okay?"

"How could I—?"

Peter was up and away before I could finish the question. I didn't watch him go. I just stared out at the lake, across at the deer who had finished her drink and was now standing there, staring at me. I looked up and saw the moon, the stairs, the little wispy clouds. Then the tears came.