DISCLAIMER: Not mine, not making any money. Loosely based off the lyrics of Coldest Winter by Kayne West. I HIGHLY recommend listening while or before reading. (Direct quotes in bold, slightly stolen in italics.)

STEPH POV

I hate myself. I, the self-proclaimed Queen of Denial, have been kicked out of my kingdom. My new reality is so awful they've canceled all flights to Denial. Let me sum up my life at present: I've blown up more cars than most people own in a lifetime. I've had more stalkers than a movie star has paparazzi. I've rolled in nastier garbage than a NY garbage truck. And now, through my own failures as a woman, I've lost the love and friendship of two amazing men.

Ironic that they both stepped out of my life at almost the same time. Ranger left for Miami on a Friday evening. And the text from Joe about his new undercover assignment came the following Monday. It wasn't until today that I realized neither was coming back. First, Joe broke up with me...via a text message! Could you get any more impersonal? No offer of friendship. Just "Girl we through". I tried to take a trip to Denial and worry about it later. We were in an "off" phase anyway, right? We can talk when he gets back from his assignment. But then I started getting the phone calls. First my mother, who I ignored. Then Mary Lou and Lula. Joe's house was up for sale. The listing agent told Mary Lou that the owner had left the state and wanted to sell the house ASAP. He was even willing to cover all closing costs. I called Eddie to see if he knew what was going on. He said he didn't know. Joe was deep under cover with the FBI and no one knew where. I tried to call Joe, but got a message that said his service had been disconnected.

Ok, I said to myself, pull it together. I wandered into Lester's office hoping to talk to him. He's been distant lately but he's still my favorite Merry Man and the easiest to talk to. He wasn't in his office so I sat down at his desk to wait for him. I didn't mean to snoop! I was spinning slow circles in his chair when I hit the mouse and woke the screen up. There on the screen, larger than life, was a memo to all Rangeman employees informing them of Ranger's permanent move to Miami, Tank's promotion to CEO in Trenton and Lester's promotion to Tank's right hand man. I looked at the date on the memo. It was sent first thing that morning and I knew for certain it wasn't in my inbox. I had been deliberately excluded from a company wide memo.

With that realization, I felt the blood drain from my face and a crushing weight settle on my chest. I couldn't breathe. Gasping and choking on tears, I felt a large hand push my head down between my knees. "Breathe Beautiful," came Lester's soothing voice. "What?! Why?" I demanded.

Lester squatted next the chair and looked me in the eye, "Really Steph?" His eyes were soft and sad, "You can't collect men like Barbie dolls and only take them down to play with when it suits you." Standing he said, "Take the rest of the day off. We'll see you Monday." And then he walked out of his office.

I stumbled out of the office and drove to Mary Lou's in a daze. Giving me a sympathetic look, she opened the door and went to the kitchen to grab me a beer. "Thanks," I stammered, before sobbing out the whole story. ML knew about my history with both men, the arguments, the making up, the Deal with Ranger. "You finished?" she questioned. I nodded.

"Ok then, this is what I think. No, you aren't a horrible person. Yes, you've been selfish. Yes, you're right, Joe should have loved you for the person you are and not asked you to change. But, by the fact that you continued to go back to him, you were letting him know that you weren't that serious about your convictions. You kept putting down a line in the sand, but allowing the line to be blurred. You didn't want the committment Joe offered, but you wouldn't just let him go either. I mean seriously? You let him get you to come back with lines like "Bob and the boys miss you." Steph, for Christ's sake, you let him woo you by talking about his testicles." I grimaced...she was right about that.

"Now, about Ranger. Ranger is a smart man, a military strategist, a leader, a mercenary, a successful business owner. Do you really think a man like that, one trained to withstand any torture the enemy offers, is going to randomly throw his heart to a woman who can't make a committment? Who decorates her apartment like a college student? One who has a hamster for a pet? Who got conned into a dog, but gave it away?" Ouch, that hurt.

Not pulling any punches, Mary Lou continued, "How many times has he helped you? Rescued you? Guarded you? How many times have you called him for help and he's just came? Have you ever asked yourself what you've pulled him away from? What he was in the middle of doing when you called? Yes, Steph, I know you've also helped him. You helped him with the Ramos murder, when his daughter was kidnapped, with that Dickie fiasco and with the kids that were robbing his clients. But we both know why you did those things for him. You care for him. You consider him your best friend, next to me, of course. And you love him."

"I know you want to think that he doesn't love you, love you because of all the things he's said, but if you really consider them along with his actions, I think you'll find there was more to them that just the words. He gives you expensive cars like their nothing, possibly killed for you, scared an old lady out of her house and led a four hour search party for you..." She paused. "I think Ranger left because he couldn't find any more ways to show you he loves you and he was protecting himself."

Getting off the couch Mary Lou said, "You're welcome to stay if you need to Steph, but I've got to get dinner started." I hugged her tight, said thanks and took off. She'd given me a lot to think about.

Reflecting over a carton of Phish Food, I thought, who was I fooling thinking I could have two alpha males to myself forever? Enjoying the benefits of having steady Joe in my life and reaping the adrenaline of having Ranger as my best friend. Ha, best friend, I'm a horrible friend. ML was right, I'm horribly selfish.

I'm not sure who I was more unfair to: Joe or Ranger? Probably it doesn't matter. I don't deserve love. At least I still have a job. Should I keep the job? Hmm. Ranger always said I had good instincts and the guys hate doing the searches. Maybe I can make it up to Ranger by being really good at my job.

Three months later.......

Two months ago I found out that Ranger was called away for another government mission. I haven't heard a peep from Joe. His house sold to a nice family with two kids and a dog after three weeks on the market. His mother packed up his personal belongings and it sold furnished. She's keeping very tight-lipped. No one seems to know where he is. I'm still hurt, but I'm getting over it.

Stretching, I leaned out of my cubicle and glanced around. It was getting late and I was just finishing my searches. Light still streamed out of Tank's office. He and Lula are dating again. They seem to be getting really serious. I'm so happy for them. "Goddamn it!" Tanks shouts from his office. I get up and wander over to his door. "You ok Big Guy?" I ask.

Sighing, Tank says, "Fuckn' paperwork. I told Lula I'd be home in time to take her dancing."

"Can I help?"

Tank looked up sharply, "Really? You'd do that?"

"If you want me to. I did major in Business, you know." Besides, I thought to myself, just one more way to try to make my stupid behavior up to the guys and Ranger.

Tank grinned, "Well, then Bomber, if you'd just slide your chair over here next to me, I'll show you what to do." And, before I knew it I was buried in forms, reports, requisitions and time cards.

Three more months later.......

"Hey Tank, here's that priority search and the reports from yesterday."

"Thanks Bomber." The guys have started being friendly again. I went with them to play pool the Friday before last and tonight we were going dancing. I haven't been out since a few weeks before Joe and Ranger left. I just didn't feel up to going out with the girls. I quit going to my parents for dinner after my mom tried to set me up a couple times. I'm proving to myself again that I can stand on my own. I did it after Dickie, I can do it again. I can work with incredibly sexy men and not feel the need to jump them. I don't need a man, I don't need a man, I don't need a man...that's my mantra. To be honest, my heart still hurts so much over Ranger, I can't bear to look at anyone else.

I'm over and done with Joe. It doesn't even hurt me to think about him anymore. In retrospect, I don't know why I got back with him. Ranger, on the other hand, thinking about him causes my heart to clench and my eyes to water. I had to focus on work while at Rangeman to keep myself from breaking down in front of the guys.

Pushing myself away from my desk, I headed to one of the spare apartments on four to get dressed for the night out. I showered and piled my hair up on my head, letting a couple of curls escape around my face. I did my makeup light. I never caked it on Jersey girl style anymore unless I was working a distraction. I had a sweet backless silver dress. A small silver chain across my shoulder blades kept the straps up and the dress from falling off. The skirt flipped out midthigh, perfect for dancing. Sexy silver sandles completed the look. Stepping off the elevator into the control room I was greeted by wolf whistles. I blushed.

We had a great time. While dancing with Lester, he asked me how I'd been. It was the first time anyone had mentioned Joe. "I'm great Lester. Joe did me a favor when he left. It hurt at first, but woke me up and made me realize what a selfish person I was being. I was with Joe but I wasn't in love with Joe. After Dickie rejected me, I was alone for six years. When Joe came back into my life, it filled a hole I didn't realize was there. I didn't want to be alone. I just didn't recognize what I was doing." I sighed and dropped my head to his shoulder.

"What else Steph?" Lester prodded. I burrowed my head into his neck and continued, "Some where between the Ramos incident and Scrog I realized I loved Ranger. I mean, whole souled, life changing, never ending devotion, love. But, Ranger doesn't do relationships, or stupid things like marriage or commitment. So, I never told him. I just stuck with Joe. I doubt you know this, but Ranger & I had one incredibly perfect night together. The next morning, he told me to go back to Joe." Pulling my head up to look Lester directly in the eyes, I stated, "Lester, I wasn't deliberately playing with anyone. I just couldn't face rejection again."

"Oh, Beautiful," Lester sighed, "I'm sorry." He pulled me into a tight hug.

Another two months.......

It's been nine months now since Joe and Ranger left. Six months since Ranger left for his mission. Tank's started talking to me about Ranger again. He's still on his mission, but hasn't missed any of his check-ins. I'm doing even more stuff at Rangeman now. I meet with clients, discuss contracts and share the paperwork load with Tank and Lester. Tank even gave me my own office. Christmas was last week. It was pretty uneventful. I spent the day with my parents and Valerie and the girls. My mom only spent half the day giving me her usual lectures. My dad finally spoke up, told her it was Christmas and to give it a rest. I love my dad.

On nights like tonight my resolve starts to fade, my loves a thousand miles away. Memories made in the coldest winter. Good-bye my friend. Will I ever love again? If spring can take the snow away, can it melt away all our mistakes? Dick Clark is doing the New Years Countdown...3, 2, 1, Happy Fucking New Years to me.

Another four months.........

Well, spring is here. Over a year since Joe and Ranger left me. I'm now well and truly a part of the Rangeman Trenton team. The guys are back to treating me like their little sister. I'm still single. Since I'm part of managment now, I haven't had to worry about being hit on by any of the guys. I'm strictly off limits. The snow is melting. I still have my memories made in the coldest winter, but I won't ever love again, never again. I'm resolved to a life as a spinster.

With my office door open, I'm standing by the window reading a report with my back to the door when I notice a hush come over the control room and a familiar tingle spread up the base of my neck. I slowly turned around to see Ranger leaning in my doorway, "Babe."

The End