Opening Credits
It seems today that all ya see
Is violence in movies and sex on TV
But where are those good, old-fashioned values
On which we used to rely
Lucky there's a Family Guy!
Lucky there's a man who
Positively can do
All the things that make us
Laugh n' Cry
He's
a
Fam
-ily
Guy!
End
It was 1977, where the Drunken Clam was open. Inside were younger versions of Peter, Quagmire and Cleveland. Peter had long hair that reached to his neck, Quagmire was dressed similarly to Elvis and Cleveland was thinner, shirtless, had no shoes on and had an afro and biker mustache.
"Here you go, boys." The bar's owner, Horace told the trio handing them their beer on a tray.
"Thanks, Horace." Peter thanked Horace, who went back to the bar after the three took their beers. "So, I told my boss I'm not stayin' at that stupid toy. I'm gonna go places."
"Oh, that's cool." Cleveland said as they all clang their mugs together.
Years later, it was now 1984, where there was a DeLorean parked outside the Drunken Clam. Inside were Peter, Quagmire and Cleveland. However, there were now wearing different outfits than before. This time Peter was in a red jacket with zippers all over, white shirt and black pants and shoes and had an 80s haircut, Quagmire was wearing a pink button up shirt with the sleeves rolled up and was wearing a white undershirt underneath, dark gray pants and had small facial hair, and Cleveland had dreadlocks while he had his signature mustache and was wearing blue workout clothes.
"Here you go, boys." Horace said to them handing their drinks on a tray.
"Thanks, Horace." Peter thanked Horace as the trio took their drinks and Horace went back to the bar. "So, I told my boss I'm not stayin' at that stupid toy factory. I'm gonna go places."
"Oh, that's fly." Cleveland said as the trio clang their drinks together, just like they did back in 1977.
It then finally reached to present day 2001, where Peter, Quagmire and Cleveland sitting at the spot they had sat at for the past 24 years, but this time, Joe was part of the circle.
"Here you go, boys." Horace told the guys handling Peter and Cleveland their refills.
"Thanks, Horace." Peter thanked Horace as he and Cleveland took their refills while Horace went back to the bar. "So, I told my boss I'm not stayin' at that stupid toy factory. I'm gonna go places."
"Oh, you are livin' la vida loca." Cleveland said.
"Well, it's late. I better head home." Joe said checking the time on his watch.
"What do you mean 'home'? You guys live here." Horace jokingly remarked passing by the group, who laughed.
"Yeah, here's to the Drunken Clam, boys, where they ask for proof of age and neither do I." Quagmire cheered as they clang their drinks together.
"Quagmire, you forgot to say 'oh'." Cleveland pointed out to Quagmire.
"Wha, are you sure? I-I think I did. Alright, well, just to be say. Oh!" Quagmire said taking Cleveland's word.
"We interrupt this program to bring you a special bulletin on the approach of Hurricane Norman." Diane Simmons on Channel 5 News announced on the TV at Horace's bar, who was busy rinsing glasses.
"Here with an update is Greg, the Weather Mime." Tom Tucker said as it cut to said mime, who acted like...well, a mime. "Okay, It-It's gonna be cold. Very cold. A-A-And there's gonna be wind. And people's parents will throw fecal matter down at them from the rooftops. How awful!"
Greg the Weather Mime gave Tom an annoyed look to indicate that Tom got the last part wrong.
"Oh, no, I-I'm sorry, that's-that's rain. Y-Yes. It'll rain." Tom then corrected himself.
We then cut to the Griffin house later after Peter got home as rain poured from outside. Inside, the family (except Peter) were upstairs between Peter and Lois' bedroom and the bathroom with a lantern, some sheets and flashlight.
"Remember, the number one cause of injury during a hurricane is broken glass. So, stay away from the windows." Lois instructed her children before turning her attention to Peter. "And Peter, put those away."
"Aw, come on, Lois, just one more song." Peter said to Lois as he shown playing a glass harp.
"Okay, but why don't we just shelter in me and Friz's room?" Ub asked Lois.
"Because there's still the small window down there." Lois reminded Ub.
"Mom, I'm afraid that if I fall asleep, the hurricane's gonna sneak up on me and give me a vasectomy." Chris told Lois in concern for his well being.
"Chris, it's a hurricane, not a doctor." Friz told Chris.
"Relax, Chris, nothin' bad ever happens when you're asleep." Peter walked over and reassured Chris. "In fact, sometimes good things can happen."
Cutaway #1
Peter and Lois were asleep in their room where Peter was having a dream.
"Oh, Jeni." Peter said in his sleep, which woke Lois and caught her attention. "Jeni. Oh, yeah, Jeni, don't stop."
Lois rose up and wanted to give Peter a piece of her mind.
"Oh, Richard Jeni...your HBO comedy specials have brought pleasure to millions." Peter then said.
Lois was relieved and satisfied that Peter wasn't dreaming of another woman behind her back and went back to sleep.
"And what a sweet ass." Peter then said, much to Lois's surprise.
End
Outside showed a sign reading "Women's Hurricane Shelter" atop of the door of Quagmire's house, where a couple of women entered.
"Right this way, everyone." A priest standing outside the door told the women.
"Bless you for helping us, Father." A woman thanked the priest.
"It's God's wish, my dear." The priest told the woman as she entered the house. The priest removed his mask, revealing to be Quagmire in disguise. "He, he, alright."
It then cut back to Channel 5 News.
"Well, Hurricane Norman is beginning to pound Quahog." Diane Simmons reported. "We now go live to Asian reporter, Tricia Takanawa, for a look at how locals are dealing with the imminent disaster. Tricia?"
It cut to Tricia Takanawa wearing a trenchcoat standing outside at a local suburban neighorhood.
"Diane, I'm here at-" Tricia almost reported before getting hit by a flying car from behind.
It then cut back to Tom Tucker and Diane Simmons.
"Thank you, Tricia." Diane thanked Tricia despite the latter having gotten hit from behind by a car that most likely would've killed her and without concern. "Stay tuned for further-"
Suddenly, Greg the Weather Mime was flung into Tom Tucker and Diane Simmons, knocking them both off their seats.
Hurricane Norman was then occurring on Quahog as several bits of debris, such as boxes, newspapers, trees and even a hurrican shelter were all being dragged by the strong winds. The next morning, long after Hurricane Norman had passed, the entire town was trashed, especially Spooner Street, where the Griffins stepped out and witnessed the mess before them.
"Whoa. So, this must be what the aftermath of a hurricane looks like." Ub said seeing how half the neighborhood was destroyed. "I never thought it would be like this."
"Yeah, what a mess!" Lois agreed with Ub.
"Look at that!" Meg said pointing to a tree with a fence board skewered through it.
"Wow." Brian exclaimed at seeing the family's car also skewered by several boards of wood.
Suddenly, Peter screamed in pain stepping away from behind the car with a board of wood also skewered through him, much to the family's horror.
"For the love of God!" Peter screamed as the family panicked about his condition while Stewie smiled at his pain. "Oh, God! Gotcha." Peter then revealed the wood was actually like that of a headband with two halves of an arrow at each end as he showed it his family. "Heheheh, see, kids? Natural disasters have their lighter sides, too. You just have to be creative."
"Yeah, like my dead rat marionette theater." Chris said pulling out two dead rats with strings tied to their heads and front paws from puppet handles since they were technically the puppets. "'I'm so stressed. Life sure is a human race.'"
The family all laughed at Chris's joke, while Ub and Friz were left disturbed by it, unsure of whether to join in on the laugh or not.
Later that day, Peter and the guys drove around downtown on their way to the Drunken Clam, hoping it was still standing after Hurricane Norman.
"Oh, my...look at all the damage." Cleveland said witnessing all the debris and buildings barely standing.
"Thank God, the Open Air Debris Garden is still intact." Peter sighed in relief seeing the Open Air Debris Garden pass by unscathed.
"Peter, look! The Clam!" Cleveland alerted Peter, who slammed the brakes and got out of the car, followed by the guys.
"This is horrible!" Peter fretted at seeing the Clam having possibly been destroyed during the hurricane with only the sign and a large pile of debris remaining when Horace walked up to the four with a suitcase.
"You think this is horrible, try losing a testicle in a knife fight with your mother!" Horace told Peter.
"What about your bar?" Cleveland asked Horace.
"It's not my bar anymore. I sold the place." Horace told Cleveland. "Let someone else worry about hurricanes."
"Who'd buy a wrecked bar?" Joe asked confused about the worth of a destroyed bar.
"The bar's not wrecked." Horace said where as if on cue, a bulldozer came by and pushed all the debris out of the way, revealing the bar was in one piece. However, it had a different sign that the guys failed to noticed when they cheered at its survival as it was now called "The Clam's Head Pub."
"Oh, thank you, God!" Peter exclaimed.
"Don't mention it." God Himself told Peter as he was on horseback and rode away.
The guys entered the Pub, where they finally realized that it was no longer the bar that they knew and loved.
"Wait a minute, something's different." Peter said acknowledging the new environment.
The Clam's Head Pub was a British pub, where it was filled with stereotypical British men who were shown drinking their beers, while in other parts of the pub were some men sitting in armchairs reading and some at a table having tea and crumpets.
"Evening, gents. How about a nice, warm lager?" The bartender asked the guys.
"And help yourself to a packet of crisps." One of two men at the bar recommended.
"Or a ruddy nice plum pudding." The other man at the bar also recommended.
"Holy crap! It's a gay bar!" Peter exclaimed in shock.
"They turned the Drunken Clam into a British pub?" Joe asked.
"Well, at least they got sports on TV." Quagmire said spotting a TV offscreen, which the guys decided to watch.
"The new bowler is spinner Heath, who has a cover point long on square leg deep extra cover on two short legs." The announcer on the TV said about a British sport that was on.
The guys were left dumbfounded as to what they just heard on the TV.
"What the hell is he talking about?" Peter asked.
"Oh, it's cricket." A bar patron answered. "Marvelous game, really. You see, the bowler hurls the ball toward the batter who tries to play away a nice leg. He endeaveors to score by dashing between the creases, provided the wicket keeper hasn't whipped his bails off, of course."
"Anybody get that?" Peter asked the guys not knowing what the other guy was talking about.
"The only British idiom I know is that 'fag' means 'cigarette'." Cleveland said.
"Well, someone tell this cigarette to shut up." Peter insisted.
"Hey, guys! T-There's no more girlie magazines in the can!" Quagmire informed his friends coming out of the men's restroom with a book that he presented to them. "All they got is this-this David Copperfield!"
"W-W-Wait, any pictures of his girlfriend?" Peter asked.
Quagmire frantically looked through all of the pages of the book. "No! No pictures at all!"
Peter, Cleveland and Joe gasped at what they heard.
"I think we should go!" Cleveland insisted.
"Yes. This is a dark and evil place." Peter agreed as all four men immediately exited the pub.
It panned to two men reading by the left of the screen.
"I say, Caruthers." The man on the left asked the man on the right. "You know what's very, very funny? A man dressed in women's clothing."
"Mmm, yes, quite. Ripping good one." Caruthers said thinking what the other man asked him was funny.
Peter got back to his house and entered inside to talk to Lois about what had happened to the Drunken Clam. "Lois, the Drunken Clam's been taken over by a bunch of lousy, limey, tea-sucking British bastards!"
"Peter!" Lois exclaimed as she was actually talking to a British man, who was a guest.
"Hello, Nigel Pinchley here." The man introduced himself to Peter. "I was just introducing myself to your wife, who I must say is an absolutely gorgeous bit of crumpet."
Lois let out a flattered chuckle at Nigel's compliment.
"Holy crap, you're one of them!" Peter said to Nigel.
"Peter!" Lois said to Peter in embarrassment at his behavior. "Nigel and his daughter are our new neighbors."
"Yes, and I'm afraid I'm the 'limey bastard' who's purchased your bar." Nigel informed Peter. "Bit of an awkward, really."
"Awkward moment? I'll give you an awkward moment. One time during sex, I called Lois 'Frank'." Peter stated, making Lois glanced her eyes around once again embarrassed at Peter's behavior. "Your move, Sherlock."
"Peter!" Lois exclaimed as she now pushed him into the kitchen. "Eheh, excuse us." Once Lois closed the door behind her, she then confronted Peter about how he treated Nigel. "Why are you acting like this? Nigel's charming. All British men are."
"Yeah, right, that's what they said about Benjamin Disraeli." Peter said unconvinced.
Cutaway #2
Benjamin Disraeli was at his desk writing when he turned to the camera.
"You don't even know who I am." Benjamin Disraeli told Peter before he went back to writing.
End
"The British are a lovely people. Not physically, of course, but inside." Lois told Peter defending their new neighbors as she then pointed Peter to the window. "And Nigel has a sweet little daughter."
Outside, Stewie was sitting at a small table having lunch with his teddy bear, Rupert and took a sip from his juice box when Nigel's daughter walked up behind him.
"Aww, look at the little baby!" The girl said seeing Stewie, who did a spittake.
"Ah, what the devil is that ghastly noise?!" Stewie asked himself turning his head and seeing the girl behind him.
"It's me! Eliza Pinchley!" The girl introduced herself to Stewie walking over to face him. "You want a flower, little baby?"
"Excuse me, what I think you meant to say is, 'Would I like a flower?'." Stewie corrected her grammar. "Heavens, you don't so much as speak the language as chew on it and spit it out."
"Come on, what's wrong with the way I talk?" Eliza asked Stewie.
Stewie cringed. "Everything! Look, here's a shiny sixpence if you keep your mouth shut and go away!" Stewie pulled out a quarter and tossed it next to Eliza.
Eliza then bent over to pick up the quarter, where Stewie took a look at underneath her skirt, to which he wasn't impressed.
"Honey, I know the Drunken Clam was your bar, but maybe you and your friends can find somewhere else to act like idiots." Lois suggested to Peter.
"Eh, guess you're right." Peter said taking Lois's words into consideration. "You know why I married you, Lois? It's not just the rack or the caboose. It's that big, sexy brain of yours."
Peter then picked Lois's cranium, making Lois giggle.
The next day, Peter and the guys tried to look for a new bar to hang out at. They found one in downtown called "The Cherry Pit" and went inside where mellow music was playing.
"All right, this place isn't bad." Peter said alway starting to like the look of the bar.
"Oh, yeah. Good music, real sports on the tube." Joe agreed pointing out some of the things that the British pub didn't have.
All of the bar's patrons were women, with only Peter, Quagmire, Cleveland and Joe the only men there.
"I've never seen so many chicks in one place." Quagmire remarked on the many women in the bar before spotting two women by the bar. "Hey, hey, check out those hotties. Heh, heh. They're so lonely, they're practicing kissing on each other."
"I don't think they're practicing." Cleveland said otherwise quickly realizing what the two women were really doing.
"Oh." Quagmire, Peter and Joe said seeing what Cleveland was talking about before repeating their response a few more times, one a little louder, one of them being happy, and then one more of them realizing that the bar itself was a lesbian bar.
Peter, Cleveland and Joe left the bar soon afterwards, with Quagmire the only one staying as he approached the embracing lesbians.
"So, you ladies ever been penetrated?" Quagmire asked the women, which resulted in him getting thrown out of the bar.
After that, they decided to just stand in front of a fence, parodying the FOX series King of the Hill. They even each said 'yep'. It turned out they were actually standing across the street from the British pub where a British bus pulled up, dropping off both British men and women to the bar.
"Ah, this sucks." Quagmire complained. "Nice choice for a hangout, Peter. There's not even anywhere to sit down!"
"Is that some kinda crack?" Joe asked Quagmire taking offense to what he said.
"What do you mean crack? You sayin' I got a fat ass?" Peter asked the same kind of offended question to Joe.
"Fellas, fellas. What's become of us?" Cleveland broke up the fight and asked his friends. "We never squabbled before we lost the Clam."
"Yeah, you're right! It's those lousy fog breathers!" Quagmire understood and agreed with Cleveland.
"Damn British! First they took our bar, now they're takin' our friendship!" Peter soon agreed. "What's next?! Apple pie, fast cars and action films?!"
Cutaway #3
A trailer for an action movie played with dramatic music playing in the background.
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER
AND
SYLVESTER STALLONE
IN
The tone then shifted drastically to a more calm one as it showed the film's title "I Remember Cecil" in front of a green meadow.
"It was a glorious summer in Oxford when I met Freddy Cavendish, a most remarkable young man, whose friendship would change my life forever." Arnold Schwarzenegger narrated as it panned to show him rowing a boat along with Sylvester Stallone.
"You are the anchor that gives my spirit license to soar." Sylvester Stallone said to Arnold in a romantic tone.
End
"Our forefathers wouldn't have taken in on the chin like this." Joe stated.
"You're damn right." Peter agreed with Joe. "I say we fight the British and drive them back to whatever country they came from!"
All men rose their fists in the air agreeing to Peter's plan.
"We gonna get 'em!" Cleveland declared.
Back at the Griffin household, Ub, Friz, Brian and Stewie were in the patio where Ub and Friz were each playing both Pokemon Gold and Pokemon Silver on their Game Boy Colors, Brian was reading a newspaper and Stewie was writing on a notepad while sitting on the floor.
"Stewie, look. It's an invitation to little Eliza's birthday party." Lois came in and informed Stewie kneeling down and showing him the invitation.
"You mean that horrid girl who talks like a scullery maid?" Stewie asked Lois clearly uninterested and quite sickened by the prospect of having to spend a day with the girl. "I didn't realize she'd been born. I assumed she'd simply congealed in a gutter somewhere."
"Ooo, I'm gonna RSVP right now." Lois said getting up and leaving the room.
"Err, splendid." Stewie dreaded. "An entire afternoon of her 'ers' and 'ars' and ''alf a pound of ha'penny rice'. God, why can't the English teach their children to speak?"
"Well, why don't you teach her? Unless you don't think you're up to it." Brian betted with Stewie crossing his arms.
"Yeah, and if he can do it." Friz agreed with Brian.
"Oh, yes, this is the part where I'm supposed to say, 'Oh, I am so up to it'." Stewie stated at first not falling for their tactic before letting out a laugh. "Well, I am! I accept your challenge! At the celebration of her birthday, I shall pass that guttersnipe as a lady."
"Uh-huh." Friz said not taking Stewie seriously.
"And what are the stakes of this wager?" Stewie then asked the trio.
"Why don't you shut up for about a week?" Brian suggested.
"Very well." Stewie agreed with Brian's suggestion. "And if I win?"
"Oh, we weren't betting. We were just wondering if you could shut up for a week." Ub explained as he, Friz and Brian got up and left the room, leaving Stewie alone.
"You're on!" Stewie declared to the trio.
At the Clam's Head Pub, Peter and his friends stormed the pub wearing Revolutionary War garb akin to the painting "Spirt of '76" as they intent on winning back the Clam.
"Minutemen, present arms!" Joe ordered as he and the guys took out cans of beer. "Load weapons!"
The four then chanting and shook their cans.
"Fire!" Joe ordered as they all opened their beers, spraying the beer from inside all over the pub's patrons.
"Throw the blackguards out!" One of the patrons demanded.
"Gentlemen, I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave!" Nigel Pinchley stepped up to the four and told them.
"Don't tread on me." Cleveland warned Nigel.
"Yeah, back off! We kicked your ass in World War II and we can do it again!" Peter threatened Nigel.
"Very well, then. If you refuse to go peacefully, I'm afraid we'll have to use our superior linguistic skills to convince you to leave." Nigel stated.
"Oh, yeah? Just try it!" Peter dared Nigel.
A short time later, the guys were leaving the Clam's Head Pub waving back to the patrons inside.
"Bye, now." Peter greeted the patrons.
"Sorry to bother you." Joe apologized.
"Gosh, I-I never saw it that way before." Quagmire remarked before he and the others realized they were outsmarted by the British people inside the pub. "Wait a minute, how the hell did they do that?!"
"Well, we're not gonna let this stop us." Peter declared. "I've never been defeated. Except once."
Cutaway #4
Peter was in the 1982 Disney film Tron, where he was the character. He was in the light cycle sequence from the film, where he faced off against a red light cycle side-to-side.
"Eric?" Peter asked the driver of the red light cycle, recognizing him.
"Peter?" The driver, Eric asked Peter back recognizing him as well.
"Oh, my God, I haven't seen you since high school." Peter said to Eric. "God, what are you doin' these days?"
"I'm the red guy." Eric told Peter.
"Oh, my God." Peter said.
"Eh, what are you doin'?" Eric asked Peter.
"I-I'm the green guy." Peter informed Eric.
"No kiddin'?" Eric asked.
"Yeah. Yeah." Peter reassured.
"Hey, is that Stacy Beecham?" Eric then asked.
"Where?" Peter asked looking to where Eric was pointing at, distracting him long enough for the latter to turn and block his path with a red wall, destroying Peter's light cycle and killing Peter in the process.
End
That night, the guys went to Quahog Harbor, where a ship full of British alcoholic beverages was docked and was guarded by a British Foot Guard. The guys were hiding behind a stack of crates in front of the guard.
"Now, don't worry. These guys are trained to stay perfectly still. Check it out." Peter told the guys running up to the guard. "Hey, Margeret Tha-" Peter was then punched in the face and knocked back to the wooded floor by the guard. "The hell, I thought you English guys never move."
"Nope. That's just our women." The guard told Peter where the two shared a laugh. The two were joined by Cleveland, Quagmire and Joe when suddenly the guard's hat fell off his head and off the dock. "Bloody hell! My lunch was in that hat! Egg and chips and jam booties!" The guard then jumped into the water intent on retrieving his hat, leaving his post, to the guys' satisfaction.
The guys then got onboard the ship where they grabbed a couple of barrels of alcohol.
"Welcome to the Quahog Beer Party!" Joe said revealing they planned to dump all the alcohol into the ocean.
"I do feel a little guilty about polluting." Cleveland said feeling concern for the environment.
"I felt guilty once, but she woke up halfway through." Quagmire said throwing a barrel overboard.
Cleveland noticed that Peter was drinking the alcohol from the barrel while dumping it into the sea. "Peter, what are you doin'?"
"Hey, it may taste like a warm cup of tobacco chewers' spit, but it's still beer, damn it." Peter defended.
"Heh, good point." Quagmire said seeing Peter's point and decided to do the same thing Peter was doing. "Bottoms up."
Both Joe and Cleveland soon joined Peter and Quagmire and the four decided to drink the rest of the alcohol on the ship and dumping the empty barrels into the ocean.
The next morning, Peter returned home having parked the car on the lawn and stumbled into the house drunk. As he got it, Lois and Brian were asleep on the couch as they were waiting for Peter to return home last night. Lois woke up and saw Peter had finally returned home.
"Peter. W-W-We waited up all night. Where were you?" Lois asked rubbing her eyes.
"W-Where was I? Where-Where were you?" Peter drunkenly asked back.
"Out drinking, but I was back by 2:00 pm." Lois answered.
"Oh, no." Brian said having woken up and rose to see what was on TV.
"Our top story. The Clam's Head Pub has burned to the ground. Our own Tricia Takanawa is on the scene." Tom Tucker reported about what had happened to the Clam's Head Pub and cutting to Tricia Takanawa.
"Is Quahog in the grip of a serial arsonist?" Tricia Takanawa asked as she was standing in front of the burned down remains of what used to be the Clam's Head Pub. "Police say no, but our producer says yes. Here's an artist's depiction of what the arsonist might look like." It showed a colored drawing of a giant, fire-breathing insect attacking a city where a couple of people were running away from it. "Anyone with information regarding this suspect should contact Quahog police immediately." It then cut back to Tricia. "One thing is certain. The pain here is palpable." She then picked up a half charred portrait of Elizabeth II off the ground. "For many, this charred portrait of Elizabeth II gives poignant new meaning to the phrase, 'Hey, check out that flaming queen'."
It cut back to Tom Tucker and Diane Simmons when the former was handed a piece of paper.
"In a late breaking development, the police have a new suspect. We now live to Hispanic reporter, Maria..." Tom then reported reading the paper and having trouble pronouncing the last name of their other reporter.
"Jimenez." Diane pointed out to Tom.
"I know what it is." Tom told Diane.
It cut to said reporter and the police outside the Griffin household.
"Well, Tom, at this moment, we're approaching the suspect's house." Maria Jimenez told Tom as the police approached the front door.
Lois and Brian were absolutely shocked at what they were seeing on the news. Peter, on the other hand, was actually enjoying what was going on on TV.
"Ah, this is better than Cops." Peter said having sobered up and was now invested in the news report. "Y-You know there's a fat drunk guy in there."
On the TV (and in real life), the police busted the door open and stormed inside the living room, aiming their guns at Peter, who was still watching TV.
"Hold it!"
"Freeze!"
Lois and Brian moved out of the way while Peter remained where he was.
"There he is." Peter said.
"Hands up, Griffin. You're comin' with us!" One of the officers who stormed in the house ordered Peter.
"He-He-Hang on-Hang on, I wanna see what they do with this jackass." Peter said to the officer not recognizing that he was the guy on TV.
"Hands up!" The same officer ordered.
"Oh, my God, Peter, you didn't!" Lois said to Peter not wanting to believe he burned down the pub.
"Hey, fatty's wife is a babe!" Peter commented on seeing Lois on TV.
"That's it!" The officer from earlier said having had enough of Peter's nonsense as he and his partner tackled him to the floor.
"Well, Tom, it appears the real arsonist is in custody, thanks to an anonymous tip to the authorities." Maria Jimenez told Tom.
Elsewhere, the bug from the sketch of the arsonist was sitting at home satisfied as he rubbed his hands together.
"Good. Good." The bug said plotting.
Back in the Griffins' living room, Peter was still watching the news report on TV, despite having been tackled down by the police.
"Ah, ah, the fat guy's struggling." Peter said watching himself getting taken down by the cops. "Hit him, you stupid pigs! Hit him! Use the bi-"
Peter was then knocked out before he could finish what he wanted to tell the cops.
Later, the guys were at trial for the crime they didn't commit in Quahog City Hall.
"This Quahog Minutemen flag was found at the wreckage of the Clam's Head." The judge informed the quartet showing them the flag they used when they tried, and failed, to take back the Clam from the British men as evidence of their crime. "You are clearly of arson, so you are free to go..."
The guys sighed in relief at what the judge said.
"...straight to jail! HA! No you got burned! Heh, no bail!" The judge said banging his gabble.
The guys all walked away deeply depressed that they were now heading to prison for something they never did.
"Peter, tell me you didn't do this." Lois asked Peter hoping he was innocent.
"Lois, I-I didn't do it!" Peter insured Lois. "You know you can trust me, right? Come on, let's sit down and talk about this."
Peter pulled up a chair and offer it to Lois. Lois accepted his offer and was about to sit, "I wanna believe you, but-" It was then that Peter swiped away the chair at the last minute, leading to her landing on her butt.
"Heheh, Gotcha! Heheh! But-But seriously, you can trust me!" Peter said jokingly before he went serious just as he was pulled away by a police officer.
"Oh, Lois, I'm so sorry this terrible tragedy has befallen you." Nigel came up to Lois and said to her.
"Thank you, Nigel. You're very kind." Lois thanked Nigel.
"Can I touch your bum once?" Nigel quickly asked Lois.
"What?" Lois asked.
"Now I expect to see you at Eliza's birthday bash and I won't take no for an answer." Nigel insisted to Lois. "Unless the question is, 'Do you not like me'? *snickers* Get it? Double negative, you know? Very good, yes..."
The guys arrived in prison, having already been outfitted with prison uniforms and were heading straight for their cells. The other prisoners called out to them from within their cells.
"He-ey, check out the new meat." One of the prisoners said to his cellmate.
"I like the fat one. More cushion for the pushin'!" The cellmate commented.
"Thank you." Peter thanked the prisoner oblivious to what he was talking about.
"Hey, you and me are gonna have a good time together!" Another prisoner said.
"Gosh, everyone's so nice here." Peter said innocently. "I mean, you know, they're gonna be disappointed when they find out I'm not gay, but wow!"
The four reached their cell and entered inside, where they were then locked up.
"Oh, my God! See that guy?" Joe exclaimed in horror pointing his friends to the person he spotted. "That's the most vicious killer I ever put away. His name's Steve Bellows. He's so mean, he once shot a man for snoring."
"Where have I heard that before?" Quagmire asked recalling of having heard that very description.
"It's all here in this simulated leather-bound edition of Time-life's Killers of Quahog." Joe answered holding out said book to his friends as they read the contents of the book.
"Wow, they're all here." Peter said pointing out all the killers in the book, such as John the Biter, the Berserk Hobo, and the Golden Autumn Day Strangler.
"M-Maybe Steve won't remember you." Cleveland assumed hoping said prisoner wouldn't recognize him.
Unfortunately for Cleveland, Steve Bellows then spotted and after looking at his arm tattoo of all the men who put him away that he presumably killed and crossed off, with only Joe left intact, he immediately recognized him as he approached Joe's cell.
"Well, well, Officer Swanson." Steve Bellows greeted Joe. "You and your friends are dead! YOU'RE ALL DEAD!" Steve walked away from the cell after delivering his threat, leaving the guys shaken.
"Oh. Good. He thinks we're zombies." Peter said thinking otherwise as usual. "He'll leave us alone."
Meanwhile, Stewie was in the midst of trying to teach Eliza to properly speak English.
"No, no, no! If you're ever going to be a lady, you must learn to speak like one." Stewie berated Eliza. "Now try it again. 'The life of the wife is ended by the knife'."
"'The loif of the w-" Eliza tried to say, but was cut off by Stewie.
"No, no, no, no, no, not 'loif'. 'Life'! 'Life'!" Stewie corrected her.
"That's what I said! 'Loif'!" Eliza stated.
"Now listen to me, you piece of baggage, we've got five days left and I'll not lose my wager. Now repeat after me. 'Hello, Mother. Have you hidden my hatchet?'"
"'Allo, Mother. 'Ave you 'idden my 'atchet?'" Eliza then repeated Stewie.
"Oh, God, no, it's an H sound, you moron! H!" Stewie berated her once again, hitting her in the head with Rupert and saying 'Ha' to her face four times.
"Ew, your breathe smells like kitty litter!" Eliza said to Stewie in disgust over how his breathe smelled.
"HA, HA,!" Ub and Friz laughed offscreen.
"I was curious!" Stewie defended himself.
While Peter and the guys were in prison, Lois, Bonnie and Loretta went over to the burned down Clam's Head Pub.
"Our husbands couldn't have done this." Bonnie said.
"Yeah, Cleveland can't even light the damn hibachi on the Fourth of July." Loretta agreed.
"Excuse me, do you know where I can find Nigel Pinchley?" A businessman came by and asked the three wives. "I'm from Quahog Insurance and I have a check for him." The man pulled out a check from his coat and presented it to the women.
"$5,000,000?!" Loretta exclaimed at the number of the check.
"Yeah. Lucky fella took out a huge policy the day before the fire." The man explained.
"Doesn't that strike you as a little suspicious?" Lois asked the man starting to become suspicious of Nigel's motives and left.
"No, not really. In fact, it seems to happen all the time." The man told Lois before he started to see her point and become suspicious of the whole thing.
The three wives were now onto Nigel and his possible get rich quick scheme.
Back in the prison, the guys were in the courtyard with all the other prisoners.
"Oh, no! Here comes Steve!" Quagmire fretted.
"I haven't forgot about you boys! Saturday night at midnight, you're dead! YOU'RE ALL DEAD!" Steve once again threatened the guys before he left.
"Midnight on Saturday? Thank God, we can still be in the talent show! From the top, boys. A 5, 6, 7, 8." Peter said as he and the guys worked on their Jazz routine for the talent show.
Days later, Stewie was still struggling to have Eliza speak proper English, to the point of having an icebag on his head.
"*groans* Once again, here is how it should sound. 'How do you do?' And here's how you sound." Stewie said to Eliza flipping over a can painted to look like a cow where it mooed. "Now try it again."
"'How do you do'?" Eliza repeated properly this time, much to Stewie's surprise.
"What did you say?" Stewie asked her.
"'The life of the wife is ended by the knife'." Eliza then spoke.
"I think she's got it!" Stewie said having accomplished his goal removing the icebag from his head and telling Rupert. "I think she's got it!"
The life of the wife
Is ended by the knife
"By George, she's got it! By George, she's got it!" Stewie cheered before joining her in the musical number.
Now, what ends her wretched life?
The knife
The knife
And where's that bloody knife
In the wife
In the wife
The life of the wife
Is ended by the knife
Bravo, Eliza
The life of the wife
Is ended by the knife
It cut to Saturday, at the Pinchley's house, where Eliza's birthday was being held.
"Hello, so nice to see you." Nigel greeted one of the party guests coming into his house.
"There he is." Lois said to Bonnie and Loretta spotting Nigel. "Alright, we need to search the house for evidence, but one of us is gonna have to distract Nigel."
Bonnie and Loretta crossed their arms and looked at Lois, knowing she was to be the one to distract Nigel considering she was the apple of his affection.
"Oh, no, no, no, I couldn't." Lois insisted. "Wh-What abut Loretta? Nigel looks like he's down for the swirl."
"Oh, there you are, Lois." Nigel spotted Lois and came over to greet her as Bonnie and Loretta left to search for evidence in the house. "Shall I give you the grand tour and show you my... *clear throat* private quarters?"
"I'd love to." Lois said trying to get on Nigel's good side.
"Oh, I must say, you look absolutely..." Nigel almost said to Lois, to which he started moving his lips around, to Lois's confusion.
Nigel then took Lois to his private quarters to start the "tour".
"Oh, don't be shy, my lambie-lamb." Nigel told Lois, who looked unenthusiastic. "This is my study, where I...I...study things that arouse my interest."
Lois surveyed the room and caught bits of what she believed to be Bonnie and Loretta hiding.
"Oh, good. The girls are in place." Lois thought glad that she'll have witnesses when she gets Nigel to confess his wrongdoing.
"Oh, Nigel. Since Peter's been gone, I've been searchin' for someone new." Lois said to Nigel pretending to be into him as he closed the door. "You know...someone with a sense of danger and...adventure."
Nigel took a deep breathe. "I once played of cricket without shin guards."
"Oh, I love a reckless man." Lois said continuing the charade.
"One time, I went up to this bloke's flat, rang the bell, and ran like Sebastian Coe!"
"Oh, *purrs* more! Tell me more!"
"I burned down my pub for the insurance money and framed your husband!"
"HA! I knew it!" Lois said as he tone went back to normal and she grabbed Nigel by his tie. "And what's more, I have witnesses! Bonnie!" She went to the curtains to reveal Bonnie, but found that it was a globe. "Loretta?" Lois then asked Loretta, hoping the black hair hiding behind the couch was her. It was a person hiding behind the couch, but it wasn't Loretta. "Demond Wilson from Sanford and Son? What are you doing here?"
"I know, I'm surprised I'm alive, too." Demond Wilson told Lois.
Nigel chuckled at Lois's failed plan. "Sorry, love. Better luck next time."
"Mr. Pinchley, I heard everything." The businessman that Lois, Bonnie and Loretta came across a few days ago told Nigel coming out of his hiding place from in a nearby closet and catching both Nigel and Lois by surprise. "And what you've done is a textbook example of insurance *checks book he was holding* 'fraud'?"
"Oh, bloody hell!" Nigel cursed. "What the devil were doing in the closet, anyway?"
"I decided to take up the case at seeing if you really did burn down the pub after this woman here got me to be suspicious about your numerous deposits over the years. And when you invited her to your study, I came here immediately to hide in here, so that I would wait and hear you confess." The man explained. "Plus, I came with Demond."
Back in the living room, a butler walked into the living room and stopped right next to the stairs.
"Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Eliza Pinchley." The butler said to everyone as they all gathered around.
"Psst! You, Dogbert, Dilbert and Mario!" Stewie called out to Brian, Friz and Ub, who were the only ones who didn't gather around the here, get a couple of front-row seats for this one!"
Brian, Friz and Ub then joined Stewie at the end of the stairs for Eliza's entrance, so that Stewie could win the "bet". In an instance, Eliza arrived and presented herself to everyone in an adorable pink dress, to everyone's delight. Eliza walked halfway down the stairs.
"How kind of you all to come." Eliza thanked everyone for attending her party.
"Oh! Magnificent!" Stewie remarked proudly at his work as he turned to face Ub, Friz and Brian. "I say, old sports, why don't you pull your faces from your own loins and Game Boys and bury them into some humble pie?"
"We never betted." Friz reminded Stewie.
Stewie would immediately eat his words when Eliza ended up wetting herself.
"Oh, bloody 'ell! I've gone and wet meself!" Eliza cursed in her original accent again.
At that moment, both Ub, Friz and Brian gave Stewie a smug grin.
"Don't give me that smug look! Fine! Well, you have extra-sensitive hearing, Brian, hear this." Stewie said as he challenged Brian to hear what he then said very, very quietly.
"I'm telling." Brian said as he, Ub and Friz left, causing Stewie to worry.
"I-No, I-I said vaccuum!" Stewie tried to convince Brian not wanting to get into trouble.
"No, you didn't." Friz corrected Stewie offscreen.
Back in prison, it was nearly midnight, where the guys were attempting to escape their fate in the hands of Steve Bellows as Peter was digging a tunnel in the wall with a spoon.
"H-Hurry, Peter! Steve's gonna be here in five minutes!" Quagmire warned Peter.
"Aw, crap, we're dead!" Peter said as the spoon he was digging with broke at that very moment.
Their time was up as the hour hand on the clock struck midnight and their cell's door was opening, much to their dismay.
"I guess this is the end, boys." Quagmire said to his friends.
"Looks like our next stop is a corner booth in a bar in heaven!" Joe fretted.
Luckily for them, it turned out to be Lois, Bonnie, Loretta, who came to bail them out in the nick of time.
"Peter, Nigel confessed! You're free!" Lois informed Peter of what happened outside of prison.
"You hear that guys? We're free!" Peter told the guys as everybody cheered for their freedom and ran out of there.
A moment after, Steve Bellows finally arrived at Peter, Quagmire, Cleveland and Joe's cell to kill them.
"Get ready to die-" Steve said, only to realize his future victims were gone. He had nothing to say about this and sat on the bottom of the cell's bunk bed. "Wonder what this feels like." Steve then lightly stabbed himself and then stopped after feeling the pain it caused. "Ow! That hurts! My God, is that what I've been doing to people?! I belong here."
Sometime after that day, the Drunken Clam was rebuilt as the sign was the last thing set up. Under it also read "Under old management".
"Ah, Horace, I never thought I'd see you and the Clam again." Peter said to Horace, who also attended the Clam's re-opening.
"Eh. Florida stunk. Alligator mounted me when I wasn't lookin'. Laid eggs in my lower intestine." Horace told Peter. "Eh, but you're all thristy. I'll bore you another time."
It then cut to Peter, Lois, Cleveland, Loretta, Joe, Bonnie and Quagmire sitting at the guys' spot in the Drunken Clam.
"Here's to our wives." Peter cheered for Lois, Bonnie and Loretta. "They may not be as hot as the women on TV, or a-as entertaining...But, um...you know, I don't-I don't know where I'm goin' with this, but thanks, anyway."
"I guess that lousy Nigel learned his lesson." Lois said. "Whatever he gets is too good for him."
In England, Nigel was sentenced to execution at the gallows and hung. His daughter, Eliza was then taken in by an orphanage that was built near a factory.
"Dear Stewie, I want you to know that I blame my father's death and my incarceration in this hell hole entirely on your awful mother." Eliza wrote on a letter to Stewie. "If it takes the rest of my life, I shall see that she suffers a slow and painful death. Eliza."
It showed Stewie reading the letter that Eliza sent him, where he laughed in satisfaction. "Excellent. Here, have a look."
Stewie showed the letter to the suspected fire-breathing bug from earlier, who was also pleased.
"Good. Good." The bug replied.
Suddenly, balloons and confetti rained from above and game show music played.
"What the hell?!" Stewie exclaimed at what was going on.
"Congratulations, Family Guy! You made it all throughout this entire episode without making a The Wild Thornberrys joke!" An announcer said offscreen.
Just then, Ub and Friz appeared and cheered at their victory.
"Hey, wait. Doesn't this cou-" Friz almost asked before the episode ended abruptly.
The End