Chapter 4

Feb. 21, 1889

My visit with Raoul has left me with mixed feelings. On the one hand, a singer should give everything over to her art, but on the other hand…feeling one's heart jump like that…

I'm not making sense.

Raoul and I were childhood friends. We met when Papa and I were wandering around in Bretagne, and the wind blew my scarf into the sea. Raoul, silly boy, jumped into the water and got it for me, and emerged soaking wet. Oh, his aunt (whom he was visiting at the time) was not pleased, but that was the beginning of our friendship. We would tell stories to one another, watch for spirits at night and terrify ourselves by telling the other that we saw them, and Raoul began to take violin lessons from Papa. That summer was the best time we ever had. I saw him again when I was fifteen, when he came to visit us, but I didn't seem him again until today.

He came, as he said he would, with a basket of fruit and more flowers. He was as handsome as always, and he still had the same smile. It turns out he has been attending the opera in his brother's box, and he's seen me on stage.

"I am so glad to see you, Little Lotte, but I'm very sorry you're ill," he said, handing me the flowers. "Shouldn't you be at home instead of here in the Opera?"

"Oh, I'm being taken very good care of here," I said, eager to lay his fears at rest. He would never have believed me if I had told him who had been taking care of me! Imagine, an angel bringing chicken soup!

Raoul and I chatted about commonplace things for a while, but suddenly he changed topics. He began to tell me how glad he was to see me, how he had never forgotten me, and how he had been so pleased to find me again.

Dear God! I thought. This is more than just friendliness!

It didn't end well. Feeling as if agreeing to keep company with Raoul was the wrong thing to do, I began to laugh at him and make little of his feelings. Oh, his face! I crushed him, and I felt as if I were the one being crushed! I agreed that yes, it was nice to see him again, and of course I had never forgotten my old playfellow, and weren't the games we used to play as children so amusing to think back on? Of course, when we had played at being sweethearts, that was all it had been, just a game.

I knew I had hurt his feelings. His eyes darkened, and he wouldn't look at me directly after that. When he left, it was with the understanding that we would see one another again, perhaps over a friendly supper with Mamma Valerius as a chaperone, where we could talk and be companions once more. I could tell that that was not what he wanted, but what else could I do? Raoul is a viscount, and I am an opera singer. There could never be anything more between us than friendship, and even that would be frowned upon without our long acquaintance behind us. People tolerate friendship if you were childhood friends, but two adults becoming friends is seen to be a romantic affair.

Oh, bother people!

Feb. 22, 1889

I think the Angel and I have quarreled, but we've also made up. I think.

After I wrote the last of my previous entry, I started to cry. I know why I cried, but I could never confess it, not even to this book. Seeing it in writing would make it too real, and in truth, it frightens me a little. I...I've never felt this way before.

The Angel came, and, seeing me in tears, asked me what was wrong. I poured out my feelings to him: how unhappy I was about Raoul, how I cared for my old playmate but had to discourage our association because everyone would assume we were lovers, and how miserable I was about the whole situation. After all, as children we had been allowed to play together without anyone thinking twice about it, but now that we were adults we could no longer be playmates.

"It isn't fair!" I finished in a wail. "He's always been my best, best friend, and now we can't see one another without people assuming the worst of us! And all I want to do is see him now, and I've had to drive him away!"

"Ah," the Angel said, sounding sympathetic. "This young man...are you sure he is only an old playmate?"

This question surprised me. "Of course!" I said, anxious to assure him, although I did not know why. I mean, why should I have hidden my feelings from him like that?

"Are you absolutely certain?" he continued. "You see, Christine, you must know your own heart. If you bestow your heart on an earthly love, then the only thing I will be able to do will be to go back to Heaven. You cannot have place in your heart for both divine music and a mortal man."

"He is only an old friend!" I protested. "That is all! Of course I care for him, but...well, he is only a friend, nothing more!" I was frantic to assure the Angel that this was so. Then, something else burst out of me. "Besides, even if I did care for him, there would be no chance of a match! He is a viscount!"

Did the Angel snarl at that? I can't be sure. Anyway, what he said next left me feeling as if he had taken my heart and torn it in two.

"Very well, Christine. It is clear you don't know how you feel. I shall give you three days to come to a decision. You may either love your mortal man, or you may love music. You cannot do both!"

And with that, he was gone.

If I had thought I had cried before, it was nothing to what I did then. I cried until I was half-senseless, and I have no idea what happened after that. I just remember feeling as if I were freezing and then burning by turns. My throat blazed with fire, and my head ached abominably. I was so afraid that the Angel had seen what my true feelings were and had convinced God to send me to Hell! I screamed, terrified that at any moment imps and demons would come to torment me, and when I opened my mouth again, I was certain I had seen flames coming from it! I kept screaming, despite the flames, and then I heard something that managed to drown my screams.

Kyrie, kyrie eleison. . .
Kyrie, kyrie eleison. . .
Christe eleison!

It was my Angel come to rescue me! I wept, happier than I can ever remember being. He kept singing, and all I could do was lie still and listen as Heaven's music intoxicated me.

Gloria in excelsis Deo!
Et in terra pax hominibus bonae voluntatis!
Laudamus te!
Benedicimus te!
Adoramus te!
Glorificamus te!
Gratiam agimus tibi propter magnum gloriam tuam!

I knew what the words meant, as any Catholic would. Lord have mercy, Christ have mercy. Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace toward men of good will. We praise Thee, we bless Thee, we worship Thee, we glorify Thee. We give Thee thanks for Thy great glory, O Lord God.

The Angel was singing part of the Mass.

Suddenly, everything was quiet, and my fears were gone. I felt a wonderful coolness laid on my forehead, and then the great warmth of the Angel's voice.

"Oh, child, I see now that you knew your heart after all. You have chosen Heaven's music, and I am glad. All of Heaven sings in joy."

I felt as if I were a part of that joy, and I wept again, this time from sheer ecstasy. Amazingly, I felt a hand take hold of mine, but it was too dark for me to see anything since the lamps had gone out. The lamps remained out, but I could actually hear him in the room with me. Before, he'd only been a voice, but now, I could hear him moving about. When I asked what made the rustling noise I was hearing, he said that it was only the sound his wings made as he moved.

Imagine! I've heard angel's wings!

When I asked why it was so dark, he said it was because he had banished the light so I would not be blinded by his heavenly light. His light in addition to regular light would ensure the end of my eyes. I understood this, and thanked him for being so kind to me and coming so close. He said that it was the least he could do for me since I had been so faithful.

After that, I was too sleepy to notice much. I remember being given something to drink and being covered with blankets. When I woke up this morning, the light was back, and everything was as it had been, except for the single white rose sitting on my vanity. It is gorgeous and covered with dew, as if it had been cut from the bush only moments ago.

So far, that's been all that's happened today. My fever is gone, and I am feeling better, and tomorrow, if the Angel permits it, I may go home to Mamma Valerius. What a strange time I've had, but I have never been happier since Papa died.