Life is hard. Decisions are difficult. But being with him is easy.
And this is why you're sitting on the edge of his bed, already dressed waiting for him to wake up, despite your mind warning you that you're going to screw up and regret having let him into the cold embrace that is your heart. Or what it used to be. These days, you're really not sure what you are anymore. To him, to anyone. To yourself, even. The girl who looks back in the mirror smiles more, laughs more- but she's still a whore.
A whore?
In love?
A paradox, maybe. But you're too dizzy all the time with feeling something, anything. It could be love, but you're too scared to say it out loud again for a second time, in fear that you might be telling the truth. And that could be dangerous. And what do you know, anyway? You've only known him for a few months- definitely less than a year.
It doesn't matter anyway.
It's warm. The birds are chirping louder in the morning than frat boys on a Friday night, and that's saying something. It appears that spring had peeked out.
You feel a warm body around your ankles, and look down as you stand, almost tripping over the fuzzy little kitten, just weaned, that Nepeta brought home last week. It's adorable, and you scoop it up into your arms. It nips at your earlobe and you can't help but giggle. It'd be nice if you could wake up like this every morning. But happiness doesn't last, and a dark cloud comes in the form of Eridan Ampora sending you a text message.
In the last few weeks, you've found yourself accepting less and less jobs. It's gotten to the point where you're making enough to get along, just barely making enough to pay for rent and food and your basic necessities- and of course, your weekly deposit into your savings account, filled with dirty money that will pay your way out of the filthy hell you reside in.
The filthy hell being prostitution and not your apartment, of course. It's a really nice apartment, one you'll probably have to leave soon between not being able to afford it and the hints from Kanaya that Rose might be moving in with her soon. You still stick with Ampora and a few of your other more wealthy regulars, but you've about given up picking up customers at clubs and the like.
CA: hey aradia
CA: i hope im not wwakin you up or anythin
AA: what is it, eridan?
CA: i kinda had a bad night and i was wwonderin if i could meet you later for a pick me up
AA: ab0ut that- im kinda busy t0day
CA: oh damn
CA: ill pay you twwice as much
CA: i really need to see you
AA: n0, amp0ra
AA: believe it 0r n0t i have a life 0utside of my j0b
AA: im s0rry
CA: ugh
CA: ill see you on our appointment
AA: ab0ut that
AA: im g0ing t0 have t0 cancel
CA: wwhat
CA: did somethin pop up
AA: kind 0f
CA: fuck
CA: i wwas lookin forwward to seein you
AA: s0rry again
CA: you knoww i only go to you
AA: yeah
AA: you told me 0nce when y0u were really drunk
AA: i l00k like this girl
CA: fuck
CA: did i actually say that
Poor, pathetic bastard. If he weren't such a douche, you'd feel bad for him. As it stands you almost do, but then you remember his jealous rages when you look at other men in the club and that small smidgen of pity is instantly wiped away. Equius stirs, and you hastily go back to your phone.
AA: yeah
AA: im s0rry
AA: i have t0 g0
CA: oh wwell okay
CA: ill see you
CA: wwhenever
AA: 0kay
AA: bye i guess
You push your hair back and drop your face in your hands with a low groan. Ugh. You need to start dropping your customers- and more importantly, go look for a job to replace yours. Why are you doing this? Your job is lucrative, convenient- soul crushingly shameful for someone who used to have such high hopes - but it pays the bills and it's your one way ticket to success, you hope.
It doesn't have anything to do with feelings you may or may not have for the man who sleepily sits up in bed, mostly naked.
That's what you tell yourself, at least. You're sticking with that story and you will until the proof is slammed into your face.
"What's wrong? You look extremely upset, Aradia."
You hadn't noticed him stand up. He's tugging on clothes now, probably late to his day job, but he looks at you with so much legitimate concern that it makes you tear up, nose stinging, you chest tightening as you realize just how much of a lying, cheating bitch you are. He cares, and his eyes show that he's really fucking worried. You know a lot of people, but you can count on your hands how many have ever really worried about you, and this man is one of them.
So you lie. It's how you deal with things like this.
"I just got a text from my manager."
"What did she have to say?"
"She fired me."
Equius stops halfway through putting on a shirt to crease his eyebrows inn worry. "I'm sorry, Aradia."
"Let go- bullshit. I guess she got some teenagers that'll take minimum wage to replace me."
"In this economy, people will stoop to new lows to save a few pennies." He pauses for a few seconds before he speaks again. "Forgive me, if I seem forward, but if you need a place to stay-"
He flushes before continuing (why he does that, even after having been together for a few months- if you could even call what you two had a relationship, you could never understand). "We could move in together, if you can't afford to pay the rent."
Oh dear god.
"Are you... serious?"
"Think about it. If you can't pay your rent- well, Nepeta is thinking of moving in with a few of her friends from her school, anyway, and I make more than enough money to cover everything- or, at least, you could stay until you got a new job... or longer, if you want?"
Holy shit. Holy shit holy shit holy shit.
"I'll see how stuff goes. I'll need to find a new job-"
"We can go job hunting today."
"But don't you have work today?"
"I'll go ahead and call in sick. I never call in sick, but this is more important than someone's flat tires. You're more important."
"You don't have to-"
"I know. I want to." He gives you a smile and as you mumble something about going to make coffee, he takes a hold of your wrist.
"You can still move in if you'd like. I hope I'm not moving too fast-"
You press a gentle kiss to his lips before finishes the sentence, and slip out the door before he can stop you. Fuck coffee, you're making a full out breakfast.
The apartment's small, but well laid out. The kitchen's down the hall, with the living room dividing the place in two. Nepeta's bedroom is on the other side of it, right next to the bathroom she shares with Equius. As you enter the kitchen, you see a certain little girl sitting at the table with a bowl of fruit loops. Speak of the devil.
"Hey there!" She smiles up at you, and again you feel that warm rush of feeling. Nepeta accepted you immediately, telling you that you made Equius happy, and the look she gives you is innocent- sure, she's got to be nineteen or twenty, but there's something childish about her. Childish and innocent, but fiercely protective and older than her years at the same time, like an older sibling protecting a younger one. Maybe it was the more like the other way around, and yet...
"Hi, Nepeta. I hope it doesn't bother you when I come over..."
"It's okay! I sleep with headphones on every night anyway." She smirks at you and you flush a bit, but then the smile drops from her face somewhat. "Sit down. I wanna talk to you. It's about Equius."
"Um, okay." You take a seat, suddenly paranoid, that she'd figured it out, that she was going to break Equius's heart, that you were going to break his heart.
""You know Equius is really, really introverted, right? Like, he used to be really antisocial and stuff. We've been best friends since were little kids, and he was always really awkward and stuff. He hit puberty early, got really big and muscular and sweaty. And I was kind of a total dork, really annoying- oh my god, my middle school weeaboo stage. Ugh, I was terrible. But we were each other's best friends- not even, more like soul mates, but totally platonic. I was always there for him to cheer him up when he was down, and he kind of watched over me.
"When I was in high school, I went out with this guy who was a stoner. And he was super sweet most of the time, but I found him sober one time during our prom in a closet and he tried to..."
Her voice trailed off, and she shuddered at the memory. "Anyway, Equius heard me screaming and pulled him off of me, beat the living crap out of him. Gave the guy a concussion, broken ribs, broken nose, etc. He was a rich kid too, his parents sued us, can you believe it? That's how he lost his scholarship to that school he wanted to go to, because he got suspended, and they wanted to expel him, and neither of us had much money, and it sucked because Equius was a really great student. And I remembered I was crying and I kept apologizing to him, and he looked me dead in the eye and told me he wouldn't ever let anyone hurt me, no matter what. And then he hugged me, really tight, and told me that I was his best friend in the world and I would always be."
"Oh my god." There were tears pricking at your eyes, but you hastily wipe them away before Nepeta notices.
"Yeah. He really is a great guy. But anyway, I might as well get to the point. Equius's has always been kind of a loner besides me, and I've never seen him so happy with anyone. You make him so happy, Aradia- you're sweet and funny and smart and kind... and he's my best friend.
"So if you guys want to move in together, that's totally great, and I give you my full support. But just remember-"
Nepeta's face shifts. One moment it's sweet, reminiscent and earnest, the next it's terrifyingly serious. Her face is a mask of dark fury that makes you flinch in shock. What happened to the cute little girl?
"Like I said, Equius is my best friend and he's saved me before. Don't hurt him, because I am fully capable of returning the favor."
She grins, showing a mouth of pointy teeth. You notice she has pretty long nails, and wince. The creepy grin slides off and her face reverts to normal. "Sorry about that, it's the whole stereotypical 'don't-hurt-him-or-I'll-make-you-pay' speech I'm required to do as his best friend. But don't hurt him, he means a lot to me. And you mean a lot to him. He's a nice guy and he deserves a sweet girl like you."
Ow. Ow. This girl was triggering you guilty conscience so much it actually hurt. "Thank you."
"The coffee's over there. Sorry we don't have anything more filling, like bacon. He's a vegetarian, but I'm practically a carnivore! It's kinda funny."
"Yeah, I know." You smile, despite everything.
"By the way, we're having a group of friends over in a few days. I think you'd get along really well with them! You should be here."
"I will, don't worry."
"So you're quitting? About time."
"Yeah. I mean, he asked me to move in with him. And I need to move on with my life."
"Be careful. You don't want those nasty skeletons in the closet haunting you. Lock it up, throw the key into a furnace. You don't want to break that kids heart."
"I think I love him. Dave, how do you know if you're in love with someone?"
Strider looks down at his lap, at the ring on his finger. "You know when you'd give up everything for someone. When you'd turn your back on what's easy and grow up for them."
"Hm. That sounds hard."
"It is. But sometimes it's worth it."
"is she worth it?"
He chuckled, twisting the ring on his finger. "Yes."
"We went looking for jobs today. I think Equius intimidated everyone into giving me an interview. There's a spot as a secretary at a museum. My interview is this Friday."
"Good job. I'm proud. Use your head to make money instead of giving it to make money."
You flip him off and scoff. He chuckles and rises, patting your head in some ironic paternal gesture. "I have to go. You have fun, but not too much fun, alright?"
"Fuck off and good night."
"Atta girl."
You slide back into your seat and sigh. Life was hard. Being with Equius was easy.
But good things didn't last.