Disclaimer: The usual
A/N: Here is chapter four. I hope you enjoy it. Tell me what you think. Thank you!
Chapter Four: Death and a Funeral
I was released from the hospital a few days later. There was no sign that there was any internal bleeding left and all of my test results came back normal. They gave me a prescription for pain medication and sent me home as long as I promised to relax and take it easy. I promised and was so happy to get out and smell the fresh air. John handed me my cell phone from the glove compartment and I stood leaning against the car, listening to my voicemail. I had several of them, all from Jim. I listened to them before dialing his number.
"Where've you been?" He asked when I answered.
"I'm sorry. I had a little bit of an accident." I told him.
"What?" He asked concerned.
"It was nothing. I'm fine. I'll explain later. Is everything okay with you?" I asked him.
"Yeah, I've just been worried about you. I haven't talked to you in a week."
"I know baby. I'm sorry. But I don't have a lot of time."
"What do you have going on?" He asked.
"It's such a long story. I don't have time to explain." I told him.
"Evy…"
"Jim…" I smiled.
"Evelyn Rose Connors." He said in the tone that always made me give into him. Usually for other things than an explanation.
"James Brad Mattfield…" I retorted.
"I'll be right there!" He yelled to someone.
"Do you have to go?" I asked him.
"Yeah, but I'll talk to you soon." He said softly. "I love you future wife." He said sweetly.
"I love you future husband." I smiled.
We hung up and I went through the pictures in my phone of him. Wishing me was here. I shut my phone and put it in my pocket. I turned around and all three of the men were looking at me.
"I'm fine." I said and got into the car. John and Sam got into the back as Dean got into the driver's seat of his Impala.
We drove back to Stones Throw and to the motel. We still had all of our things there. I was nervous going back but it needed to be done. Dean and Sam went to their room as John and I went to ours. There was blood on the floor where John was hit as well as where I was thrown. Everything was broken. I found my things and put them in my bag as fast as I could. Once I was done I left and soon John followed me.
"Everything's going to be okay." He said putting an arm around me.
"I know. I'm just a bit nervous is all." I told him.
"I know." He said and kissed my hair.
"What now?" I asked him.
"You wanna go home for a while?" He asked me.
"Seriously?" I said looking up at him.
"Let's go." He said and led me to his truck.
Soon the four of us were on the road for San Diego. I was so excited to go home. To see my city again. Maybe stop and see a few friends. I still felt tired most of the time and slept nearly the whole way but all in all I was recovering. We stopped at several small places along the road. Things had calmed down and they hadn't found another job yet. It gave me a chance to get to know Dean and Sam. Not only that but I could tell how happy they were to be with their dad again. He had been running for so long and they had been looking so hard that to finally see them together made me feel like I had truly done something good. That all of this was worth it. All the things I saw and did. It was worth it.
When we got to San Diego I went to the storage locker with all of Jim and my things in it. I went through a bunch of pictures and things that I hadn't looked at in months. The guys had found his playstation and the TV. I couldn't believe that there was an outlet in the hall but I let them do what they wanted. We were there a few hours, happy to see my things again. Able to sit on my couch.
When we were done I took them to the nearby park. It was full of kids and dogs playing. There was a nice walkway through the woods. It was a relaxing walk and the trees were beautiful. The only one who was truly up to it was Sam. Dean and John weren't too hip on the idea but I talked them into it. We were only going to be there a couple days and I wanted to do a few things that I used to do.
"Jim and I walked this once a week if not more." I told them as we walked.
"It's beautiful." Sam smiled at me.
"It is isn't it?" I said returning it.
"How long is this thing?" Dean asked.
"About five miles around. It comes out the other side of the park." I told him.
"You've got to be kidding me." He frowned.
"I told you that you didn't have to come." I retorted.
"Yeah, I'd like to sit in the car alone while the three of you walk five miles to the other side of the park."
"You're such a pain in the ass." I told him. "I told John he didn't have to come. The two of you could have found something to do."
"Yeah and leave you and Sammy alone." Dean retorted.
I rolled my eyes and frowned at him. "And what would be wrong with that? I enjoy his company. Your dad is overprotective and you're a jackass." I shot back at him.
"I'm not over protective." John told me.
"Like hell you're not." I told him.
"Sam, feel free to jump in any time now." Dean told his brother.
"I think you're doing alright." He replied with a smile.
Dean made an exasperated noise but was quiet after that. Around the next bend was the duck pond and we stopped for a short while and watched the several that were swimming around. Sam and I sat on a bench while John and Dean sat on another. I knew they weren't enjoying themselves but I was and I really liked talking to Sam.
"Do you plan on going back to school?" I asked him.
"Do you?" He retorted. I just looked at him. "Same here."
I wanted to go back to school but it wasn't in my plan. "How long were you and Jess together?" I asked next.
"A year. You and Jim?"
"It'll be seven years now." I smiled at him.
"Really?" He said sounding impressed.
I nodded. "I met him senior year. We got together and about a year later he joined the army but we stayed together and it's just been that way." I told him. "I can't wait to get married. You better come." I said pointing my finger at him.
He laughed. "Wouldn't miss it." He smiled. "He's a lucky guy." He said sweetly.
I felt my face flush. "Thank you." I said and took his hand in mine.
"Are we going to get moving?" Dean asked from the back of the bench.
"We can turn back if you'd like." I told him.
"Thank god." He said starting to walk back already.
I don't usually get mad, especially about things like that but he made me mad. "What the hell is wrong with you?" I said standing up, following him.
"What are you talking about?" He frowned.
"I realize that you didn't want to do this and noticing that I thought we'd just go back. I thought it'd be a nice gesture, but you are such an ass!" I yelled at him.
"Evy…" John said coming to my side.
"No wonder you need this work of yours. No one would be able to stand you. You're antisocial with only your looks going for you. How does your family stand you?" I yelled just staring at him.
No one said anything. I was going to continue but over his shoulder I saw two uniformed officers walking our way. They weren't scarce here but ever since Jim left I'd been nervous every time I saw them. This time was no different but my feeling intensified as they stopped just behind Dean.
"Can I help you?" I asked walking around Dean.
"Evy Connors?" One asked.
"Yes…?" I said folding my arms.
"We have news." They told me.
"Tell me Jim's alright." I told him. "Please say it." They looked at each other and the younger of the two lowered his eyes. "What happened?" I asked him
"Jim was called to assist after a car bomb several miles from his camp. On scene they tried to save the men that had survived. While there they were involved in dangerous gunfire. He was hit and killed." He paused. "It was quick." He finished. "His body will arrive tomorrow."
I just stared up at him. I lowered my eyes as the information started to sink in. I turned and went to walk to the bench but my knees gave out. Dean caught me, holding me against him. The sobs came in an instant. I turned into Dean and sobbed into his chest. He held me tight. I was unable to control myself. Dean and I remained on the ground for nearly an hour before I managed to stand up. The tears were still streaming and the two officers were still standing there. I thanked them out of politeness but needed Dean's support in order to walk out of the woods. I would periodically have to sit down and cry some more before I had enough control to keep moving. We went back to the hotel and when we went into the room I fell onto the bed and grabbed a pillow holding it tight against me. I cried into it until I fell asleep.
When I woke up Dean was asleep in a chair. I sat up and slowly got off of the bed, quietly going into the bathroom. I closed the door and put my hands on the counter. I looked up at myself in the mirror and had to laugh as to how bad I looked. I peed and washed my hands. My mind full of pain…so much pain. Jim's face was stuck in my head. As much as I wanted to see him it was the thought of having to see his body today that was going to be hard to bear. I walked back out into the room and Dean stood up, staring at me.
"What?" I asked him.
"Are you okay?" He asked.
I just looked at him. "Am I okay?" I asked him coldly.
"Sorry, that was a stupid question." He said dropping his eyes.
"Yeah, it was." I frowned at him. "Where's your dad?" I asked him.
"He and Sam went to the airport to…" He said but stopped.
I stared at him but knew what he was talking about. I nodded. "I see." I said and paused. "Shouldn't I be there to sign something or something like that?"
"I don't know." Dean said as his phone rang. "Dad…" He said and looked at me. "Okay…yeah…we're on our way."
"Told you." I said and grabbed my purse.
He sighed and raised a brow as he opened the door for me. He drove us to the airport and it didn't take much to get through and was led to a small office. Soon an officer and the airport manager came in. I sat there with Dean standing behind me. John and Sam had left to go back to the hotel.
"Ms. Connors…" The officer said holding out his hand. I shook it and smiled politely. "I'm officer Waltons. We have just a little bit of paperwork to go over. Jim had told his Sergeant that if anything should happen to him that everything went to you. He has a will and his lawyer will be going over that with you but we have the belongings he had with him here ready to be given to you." He told me and paused. I took a deep breath trying to take all of this in. Dean sat next to me and my hand found his. I was shaking and his hand closed tightly around mine. I needed support, even though he was not the one I would have pictured there. "This is his personal belongings." The officer said pushed a plastic bag over to me.
I pulled the bag over to me. His wallet, watch, his necklace with the silver cross looking at me, and a small black velvet box lay inside of it. I opened the bag and took out the box. We hadn't picked out our wedding bands yet but I had a feeling that he had found what we were looking for. I held it in my hand before lifting the lid. Inside sat two rings. They were gorgeous yet simple. His had three diamonds in it in a diagonal pattern. Mine was identical to his but prettier. I smiled at them before the tears started again. The pain and disbelief of Jim's death hit me hard again and Dean turned me into him. I buried my face in his chest and cried. I felt his hand caress the back of my head and felt his lips kiss it. When I pulled myself back together I put my arms on the table, my hands linked together, slightly bouncing as I shook.
"I'm sorry for your loss." The officer said and put his hand over mine.
"She doesn't need your sympathy." Dean shot at him.
The officer took his hand off of mine. He pushed a piece of paper over to me with a pen lying on top of it. "This signs his body over to you. You can then proceed with funeral arrangements." He told me. I quickly signed the paper, pushing it back over to him. He handed me a piece of yellow paper. "Take this to his base and all of this other things will be there waiting for you. They won't be here for a few days. The things I've already given you were on his person when it happened. As well as this…" He said and pulled an envelope from his pocket. "A friend of his told me to make sure you got this. He said it had more meaning than one would think." He said pushing the piece of paper over to me.
I picked it up and opened it. It was the picture I had given to him the day he left. "I gave him this before he got on the plane for Iraq." I told them. Smiling at the photo, running my fingers across his face. "This was my favorite of us. I told him to keep it safe. Telling him that since it was my favorite that he had to be sure to bring it back in one piece." I told them and laughed. "He was such a sweetheart." I said and paused. "He kept his word."
The tears started again but I pushed them aside rather quickly. I felt a hand on my back and I looked up into Dean's face. His eyes were sympathetic and the small smile he gave me was reassuring. We were there only a short while longer to finalize everything. By the time we were walking out the door I already felt desensitized. A haze had fallen over the world. I didn't remember getting into the car or the drive over to the hotel. I wasn't brought back to the world until Dean and I walked into the room to see Sam and John stop their pacing and look at us. John moved to me quickly and embraced me tightly. I closed my eyes and silent tears fell. I put my face into his shoulder until the tears had been soaked into his shirt before I pulled away from him.
"I'm all right." I smiled up at him.
"Liar." He grinned down at me.
I laughed and nodded. I was going to say something sarcastic but tears welled in my eyes and I just shrugged and took a deep breath. John hugged me again and gave me that look he always did to make me smile. This was no different. A smile creeped along my face and I managed to whisper 'thank you' to him. He winked and stepped aside as Sam came up behind him.
"I'm so very sorry Evy." Sam said hugging me tighter than John had.
"Me too." I said and put my face in his neck, taking in his scent. "Me too." I repeated.
Dean left shortly after we got back to get some take out. I took the cross necklace out and placed it around my neck. I looked at the rest of Jim's possessions a moment before placing them in my bag. I laid on the bed and faced the wall. I felt empty inside and all I wanted to do was fade away. Soon I felt the bed move and a body pressed up against my back. An arm wrapped around me and I laced my fingers with the large hand.
"It'll get better. The pain will always be there. But it won't always be this way." John whispered. "Believe me, I know." He told me.
"I know you know." I told him. "But you've lived with yours for twenty-two years. I've lived with mine for twenty-two hours."
"It'll be okay." He said and kissed my hair.
I fell asleep shortly afterward and slept straight through the night.
It had been a week since Jim's death. John and I were standing in the airport, waiting for Jim's parents to get off of the plane. The funeral was tomorrow and they wanted to be there for private goodbyes and to help with the last minute preparations.
"How are you doing?" John asked me, squeezing my hand.
I leaned against him. "Not well." I told him honestly.
"I think I liked the lying better." He smiled down at me.
"Why?" I smiled back.
"Because you hid how much pain you're in. Hearing you say how much hurts more." He replied.
"I'll be okay John." I told him. "After tomorrow the moving on process begins. It'll be hard, but Jim wouldn't want me to hold on." I said and paused. "He told me that." I said, feeling John's eyes on me. "He made me promise that if he died I wouldn't hold on to him. I'd move on as soon as he was buried. I promised, thinking that the day I buried him would be when we were eighty. Not when he was thirty."
"Evy…" He said putting an arm around me.
"I'll keep my promise." I said pushing tears out of my eyes, taking a deep breath. "He'll always be with me. But I don't want to be alone."
"You'll never be alone." John said and kissed my head.
I heard my name being called and soon I saw Karen and Robert rushing over to me. I left John's side and met them halfway. I threw my arms around Karen and felt Robert's hands on my arms. I cried into them. Hugging each of them as hard as I could. I kept saying I was sorry, they kept telling me that it wasn't my fault. When our sorrowful meeting finally ended I introduced them to John. They didn't seem at all curious about him. Their trust in me was unfaltering and I loved them for that.
"We fell in love with her the first time we met her." Karen was telling John.
"So did I." He said low.
"You have two sons?" Robert asked him.
"Yeah I do. Good boys." He replied.
"We only had Jim." Karen told him.
She started to cry and I couldn't help but feel the tears in my eyes start to burn. We drove to the funeral home so they could see their son. John and I sat outside the closed doors as they sat with Jim. He looked well in death. Just as handsome as he always did. I had spent my own time with him. I had cried more than I ever had before. My grief was great but I had John, Sam, and Dean. They were a great comfort to me.
When Jim's parents came out Karen looked like hell and Robert was as pale as a ghost. I hugged them, telling them that it was going to be okay. We drove to the hotel and they went to their room. John and I went to ours and the boys were sitting on the bed. Sam's laptop was open and there were papers scattered.
"Found something?" I asked.
"Just checking for things." Sam told me sweetly.
"We're going to head out tomorrow night." Dean told me.
"Dean…" Sam told him sharply.
I looked at John who was frowning at his son. "We need you here." He told him.
"You can't tell me that you are going to stay here more than a day." Dean told him.
"I need to finish everything and I need you here." I told him, tears in my eyes.
"You have our father. You don't need us. There are people out there who do. We've spent enough time here. We'll be here for the funeral. Then we have to leave." Dean told me.
"I said I'd think about it." Sam told his brother.
Dean seemed to be overruled for the moment and he left the room. I listened to him leave, trying to understand why he had to be so difficult. It was going through the worst thing in my life and I needed everyone I cared about with me. John was the one I needed, but the boys kept my mind off of things.
"It's okay." John said pulling me into a hug.
The next morning came fast. I had gotten little sleep. John lay next to me. We faced each other. He had stayed awake with me most of the night. He looked tired and my face was tearstained.
"Don't leave me." I whispered to him. "I couldn't bear you leaving me too."
"Don't worry." John said and gently caressed my face.
"I'm scared." I told him.
"Why?"
"I am so scared of being left. Of being alone. All of my hopes and dreams were wrapped around Jim and me. Now Jim's dead and I have nothing. I've been left with nothing." I cried.
"That's not true." John told me. "Everything of Jim's is yours. He even left you enough money to live comfortably."
"Money doesn't make me happy John. People make me happy. I wouldn't survive if I was left alone."
"You'll never be alone." He said and kissed my forehead.
I nodded and took a deep breath before rolling out of bed. I showered and made myself ready for the day that lay ahead. I left the room and wandered through the halls of the hotel. I just wanted to be alone with my thoughts. I wanted to cry, get it all out before the funeral. Before I had to say my final goodbye and put him in the ground. I went out the back and sat on a bench. I hadn't been there long when a familiar face sat next to me.
"Did you want to be alone or can I sit with you?" Sam asked me.
"Please stay." I told him.
"How are you holding up?" He asked.
"As good as can be expected I guess." I replied.
He nodded. "I know."
"I know you know." I told him. "It's depressing how well you and your family know what I'm going through."
"I know." He said and grinned at me.
He took my hand as we stood and went back up to the room. I walked into the bathroom and looked at myself in the mirror. My tears had caused my mascara to run and I gently wiped it away. Not wanting to worry about it later. I was staring in the mirror when John appeared and leaned against the doorframe.
"Are you ready?" He asked me.
I turned to him. "Look at you." I smiled. "All dressed up in a suit."
"I figured blue jeans and a button up was a little to informal." He smiled.
I tried to smile but tears filled my eyes. "Can you just give me a big hug and tell me everything is going to be alright?" I said as tears streamed down my face. He did just that. He held me tight and gently rubbed my back. "I'm so sick of crying but I can't make it stop."
"Everything is going to be alright." John whispered and kissed the top of my head.
The funeral was a blur. At one point the priest asked if anyone wanted to say anything and I went up to the podium, not knowing what I was going to say. I started out rocky but from what people said afterward I had given a pretty good speech. I didn't remember hardly any of it. I sat with the Winchesters' on one side of me and Jim's parents on the other. There was tons of his family and friends there and the time spent afterward having to shake their hands and say thank you to everyone. I was standing there staring off into nowhere as people passed by me. Every once in a while someone would touch me, bringing me back to reality. I'd smile and say 'thank you' to them.
When the crowd started to thin I went into one of the side rooms. I quickly locked the door behind me. I turned around and Dean was sitting on the couch. He had already un-tucked his shirt and loosened his tie. I sighed and just looked at him.
"How are you doing?" He asked.
"I've had enough." I told him. "I can't keep standing there and shaking everyone's hand. I just want this day to be over."
"Sit down." He told me.
I walked across the room and sat down. "I want this feeling to stop. I feel empty and I can't stand it anymore."
"What are you going to do?" He asked me.
"I don't know. Go wherever John goes I guess." I told him.
"He's not going to take you with him." He replied.
"Why do you say that?" I asked. "He's taken me with him so far. Why wouldn't he continue to?"
"He left me." He replied. "He left me and cut me off from him, to protect me. What makes you think he won't do the same to you?"
I looked at him. "Because he loves me. He loves me differently than he loves you. He'll take me with him. I need him to recover from losing Jim."
"You're not going to fall for him are you?" He asked with a small laugh. "He's twice your age."
A sudden feeling of anger rose inside of me. "What?" I asked him.
"It'd be kinda gross don't you think?" He asked with that boyish smile of his.
"What is wrong with you?" I said angrily, standing up. He stood up with me.
"I was just asking –" He started but I slapped him across the face.
"It sounding more like accusing to me." I told him.
"I'm just looking out for my dad. I just can't see him taking you with him when this is all over." Dean told me.
"Than you know nothing." I told him coldly.
He looked at me a moment before anger crossed his face. He shoved me up against the wall. I looked at him with as much hate as I could muster. Him looking at me the same way.
"You're hurting me." I told him.
"Good." He replied.
The next thing I knew he was kissing me. I started kissing him back. He still had my arms but he pushed himself against me. His hands moving to my face and I put my arms around his neck. I kissed him hard. He picked me up. I wrapped my legs around his waist as he walked me over to the couch. He threw me down onto it before lowering himself on top of me. He kissed me hard before his hand moved down my body and I felt him slowly pull the bottom of my dress up. I gave a short yell as he pushed against me. I dug my fingers into his back as we fell into rhythm with each other. I put my forehead against his, breathing hard. He continued to kiss me and then slowly stopped and lay on top of me. I lay there for a moment, kissing him gently. He gently rubbed my side and caressed my face. I looked up at him. For a moment I thought he was Jim. I came back to my senses and I quickly moved out from under him, disgusted with myself. I straightened out my dress and ran my fingers through my hair. I wiped the corners of my lips and reapplied my lip-gloss. I looked in the mirror by the door and decided that I looked fine to go face everyone again. I put my hand on the doorknob and turned back to Dean.
"Still think I'm after your father?" I asked him coldly and left the room.