Chapter 4 - Doubt

A/N: I know what Izumi's mother is saying is confusing, but I think she IS confused. She has always loved both of her sons, but at the same time hate the Alice they're having. It's surely a complicated feeling she had. She doesn't know herself what she's saying anymore.

Chirping birds woke Izumi up. He didn't even know how he got to his bed, but it felt so soft on his bruised skin. Almost felt like he was flying on feathers. Immediately he widened his eyes. Of course, the blanket and pillow were filled with feathers and he shouldn't just sleep here but treat his wounds properly. Before anyone found out what happened, he took a pile of spare clothes with him and locked himself in the bathroom again.

His face was not damaged except for a cut on his cheek and it was barely noticeable. Like this, maybe no one would notice if he'd wear baggy clothes. Grateful for once that the guys avoided hitting his face, he got to change himself. His parents shouldn't be at home right now. Today he didn't have to go to work, so he just went down to make himself something to eat, but even sitting hurt his whole body. Izumi really should have laid down instead of moving even an inch.

In the refrigerator, he just put some cereals in a bowl and poured some milk in it. His head hurt a lot, maybe one of the guys hit him on the back of his head.

When he had finally eaten without throwing things up again, he wanted to take the post inside. Izumi almost forgot he sent a letter two days ago, so he didn't expect a letter with his name on it.

"Right… My big brother…", he thought lazily. His mind barely picked on but his hands automatically opened the letter.

"Dear Izumi

Oh well… Kazu-nii sounds so… unfamiliar… It takes me some time to get used to it."

This made Izumi smile and it felt like it was some time ago he had laughed.

"I'm sorry to hear that you don't have a good relationship with your parents. Thank you very much for your reply anyway, I appreciate it.

What happened between me and my parents was nothing; and maybe that was the problem. And didn't you ever hear that it's rude to ask people about their age? I can't tell you. I want to see you first before I tell you especially if it's something personal.

You wrote in your last letter that I wouldn't want you as a teacher in this Academy. What gives you this idea? Because you're in a motorbike gang? Because you smoke?

Don't think being a teacher is impossible. I'm willing to help you. If you just give up smoking, drinking and your gang then you can do it. It's up to you to decide your future, no one else's. I'm giving you a chance here to get a job, be independent. Just leave your old life behind and start a new one.

We could be a family and you would live healthier. Please, think about it again. Wouldn't it be better for you to be with me and have a steady job than be with your gang members or parents who hate you, as you say? If you decide to become a teacher you would live in the Alice Academy, live with me as you asked, yes and if you're strong and willing then your grades don't matter. Just give it your best and you'll be able to get the teacher's licence.

Kazumi Yukihira"

Izumi laughed a bit at the age thing. So his brother was sensitive about this? This was strange, since he thought only women were so sensitive. Still, he felt a sharp sting in his heart. It was the first time someone said he could decide his future. The more letters they shared, the more sympathy Izumi felt towards his brother, who almost seemed like a guardian or father. A role model, to be exact. What he wanted to be, ought to be when he was an adult. The young man sighed loudly. Whatever he felt inside, he had disappointed his brother with his last letter. Such a horrible feeling, to be disappointed by someone you had put trust into. Izumi felt really bad, especially as he realized how many people he had disappointed too. His life was shattered in thousand pieces. What was left was him broken and he didn't know anymore who he was. Being Izumi Yukihira meant something to him and to the people outside. And now? He was a good-for-nothing, exactly what his father was. Get the teacher's licence and he would be someone again, someone his brother could be proud of. Determination shot through him, giving him more strength. Now he only had to get out of this village. Screw his gang members and parents and job.

His heart thumped excited. Going to live with his brother and work as a teacher? Izumi could teach High school girls… He was sure it was them he could teach since his older brother was the High school principal. This was great. Kazu-nii was probably happy being the principal of high school girls too! At least if he was anywhere near his own character. A smile crept unto his face, his mood lightening up. So even someone like him could get a second chance. This was his chance to change his circumstances. He had always promised himself that tomorrow will be different, yet in the end tomorrow is way too often a repetition of today. What's the point of always living the same routine without changing anything?

In order to get the teacher's licence, he had to learn for the master's first. This was going to be hard. If Izumi had trouble with High school, then get the master's would be almost impossible. Where could he even get help from someone? Learning by himself was out of question considering his stupidity. Chewing on his lower lip, he jumped up to take a pen in his hand to write his brother back.

"Dear Kazu-nii

Don't worry, the more I call you "big brother" the more you'll get used to it!

Why won't you tell me your age? Are you that old? Everything that's personal should stay with us. I won't ever tell anyone else.

Thank you for worrying even though we don't know each other. That means a lot to me, maybe more than you'll ever know. I can try to be a teacher, but I'm pretty dumb, so I'd have to get some help to obtain the master's. But I'm trying, big brother, I'm trying my best. I'm sorry I made you angry but I was just scared I would disappoint you, when I don't turn out what you wanted me to be.

I can handle children pretty well since I like to play around. That's about the only thing I can bring from my experiences.

Hopefully we can meet soon, Kazu-nii

Izumi Yukihira"

All right, this will have to do. Send it tonight and then off to study for the Alice Academy. As strange as it may sound, but Izumi believed him. He believed some stranger who suddenly sent him a letter saying he was his brother and offered him a real job. It was a bit scary, because at any moment, he could just send another letter saying it was all just a joke or that he was too stupid to apply for a job in the Alice Academy. A shudder ran through Izumi as he imagined this situation…

"Yahoo! Deceived you! Sorry, Otouto, I never believed you would buy this lie!"

No, no, no, no. Izumi was so stupid; his older brother would never deceive him in such a childish matter. In all the letters, he sounded very serious and mature. It would be strange to suddenly see him jumping around, pointing at him and laughing. Just how did his brother look and what characteristics did he have?

Izumi was jumping from one foot to the other, nervously thinking about the possibilities. He was believing some stranger! This won't do, there had to be a prove, for example a picture or a copy of his passport, anything for Izumi to believe this man. His heart thumped heavily. He just had to have a reassurance. In order for Kazu-nii to trust him and send him a photo or anything, he had to prove his trust too. But how? His brother knew already what he looked like and read about him, so how could he make him understand?

"I know you said you want to wait until we see each other before you can tell me anything about yourself, something personal. But there's still doubt if you're serious about this. I don't know you. You could be anyone out to joke with me. Please, if you have anything to prove you're not just someone but really my brother, then send it to me. A picture, a copy of passport, anything. I know it's hard to just send something like this to me as you don't know me either, but you still know more about me than I know about you. Other than your name, there's nothing and it's unfair. I also want to know how exactly my brother looks like, what his likes and dislikes are. Isn't it only fair for you to tell me these things before I try to get the master's?"

Izumi added this passage to his letter, worried. Kazu-nii may withdraw completely after it. His brother did a lot for him by offering this job, but still; knowing nothing about him, and considering there's a possibility of someone trying to personate a brother is just too dangerous after all. The blond-haired loved danger but not to a price where he'd destroy his whole life.

This was so complicated for him! Izumi stretched himself before putting the letter in an envelope. But if Kazu-nii decided to put a photo inside… then he would know his appearance. Somehow though, Izumi had a feeling that, if his older brother said they "looked similar" , he also had blond hair and blue eyes. From his letters alone, Izumi had a feeling of him being pretty handsome.

If he offered his little brother to live with and work for him, then does that mean he wasn't married and had no children? The letters seemed a bit lonely and serious, but he was surely a handsome intelligent man, so why wasn't he married yet? Puzzled, Izumi thought about the possibilities, but there were a lot of men who just couldn't settle down, so his brother may be such a type of man.

He sealed the letter and went out to send it to the post. People kept staring at him, whispering, but he didn't care. His bruises and cuts weren't visible, so he got away with only the usual talk. From across the street he could see his gang members. No, they weren't his gang members anymore. They had abandoned him just like his parents. Just yesterday he was their leader, the one they looked up to and then? This situation was so similar to the one with his parents, it was ridiculous! Before they could take a look at Izumi, he turned around and went inside the post. It would be hard to avoid them from now on. Suddenly he was in the role of the victim and they would hunt him.

Quickly he got out after sending the letter and headed straight home. The day started very well with his brother's letter but ended in a frustrating way. Why the hell did he have to hide from them? It was not right. It was also not right to have to hide all the letters from his parents.

Arriving home, he went to his room and prepared to listen to music from his radio. Listening to music calmed him down and made him forget. Sadly, his mind decided to not forget but to remember his parents.

"Mom, Dad… I've heard some people talking, but I don't really understand. What is an Alice?"

His dream… was shattered with a simple question.

"Who do you think you are? An Alice is useless, is nothing! They are nothing but an excuse of the country to take our children away and bring them against us! It doesn't exist!" His mother was suddenly hysterical and his father was looking at the little child with cold eyes. Eyes which shouldn't ever be directed at their own child.

"You don't have such a thing because it doesn't exist! No child of mine has something like this! People who think they have an Alice are nothing but freaks, monsters!" His mother continued to shout, almost desperately wanting her child to think there was no such thing. Almost as if she wanted herself to believe it. His father put a hand to his wife's shoulder, trying to calm her down.

"You! Never mention this word again boy! Or I will end you!", said his father with a cold voice. The play ended…

"Don't ever look at me again, you monster! If you think you have such a thing, then you're not my son!" So hysterical, always shouting since then. They were always so nice people, so what went wrong? Why were they panicking about a word?

"My son, my son! He's away!" His mother sobbed in her hands, crying out for her son, a son who was right in front of her but at the same time was not.

"What are you saying? You want to give him to a foster family?", shouted the father.

"I regret it! I regret having this child now. I thought he was normal, that I don't have to send him away to the country, but… See what I mean? This boy has the exact same look in his eyes as Kazu-chan. They are the same, I can feel it. They are both freaks and I have to give him away too! Izumi-chan will leave us too, but not before I can send him away. This time they won't get him from me."

"You're talking nonsense! If you're sending him away, they'll take him from the foster family. If he really has an Alice, they won't ever retrieve. They'll just keep coming for him." The mother was crying again and trembling at her loss of one son. What did they do to him? Why didn't he ever contact her after 14 years? Was he even alive or did these Alice guys brainwash him to hate or forget his own mother? Alices were creepy. They thought they were better than normal humans and can do everything to them. Her child was away from her. Kazu-chan was probably happily living somewhere else, not needing her. Her heart broke whenever she thought of how her oldest child probably didn't even remember her. What if he was already married? By now he was 24 years old. She counted every day, how long she was separated from Kazu-chan, in hope to meet him once again.

"I just want Kazu-chan again… I want to speak or at least write with him. Why won't he answer our letters? He's our son, it's our right to contact him." The mother cried big teardrops while her husband stroked her back. Whether it was Kazumi himself who rejected any contact with them or the Alice Academy who refused to let letters through, he didn't know. Maybe the School itself was holding back all letters to their son. But he was not a little child anymore, he was 24 years old, an adult who could fight back. The only reason could be that he himself thought they had abandoned him, if the School is really holding back the letters. There was no way to contact him otherwise. The husband tried many times to explain this to his wife, to make her understand, that there was a possibility that Kazu-chan thought they had abandoned him because he never received their letters, but his wife didn't want to hear it. Didn't want to believe it. In her eyes, Izumi was the only son right now. Soon, she'd want to forget him too for having an Alice. This young mother was preparing to let him go, preparing for an Alice Academy member to come through this door at any moment. She was being paranoid, she knew it, but the fear was always there. Humans always feared that something horrible in the past may happen again to them. And to lose a child was the worst nightmare she has ever experienced.

"I can't bear to look at his eyes anymore… I just can't… Maybe it's just better to forget him."

Izumi didn't know what happened with his mother, but from this time on everything changed and she got very angry at him. There was just no way that she could ever love him, was what Izumi kept thinking. Even if it should have left him empty, cold – he shouldn't even care – it hurt when she ignored or glared at him. Feelings sucked! You can't even make them stop, they'll come at you at the worst times possible and make you vulnerable!

The Alice Academy; he would give everything to get into this school as a teacher by now. Briefly he still wondered, if his parents would miss him or remember him. Not as the delinquent, but as their son, who they used to love with all their heart…