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"Forgive me for being slightly sadistic, but aren't you all alone? Eren Jaeger? Love, Lezly. 17th of the holy September."
"Dear Lieutenant Lezly Hennings
Now I know I'm not supposed to be sneaking notes to my superiors, but no one seems to care what I do or what I say in here. From the looks of it, it seems that Lieutenant Lidehwigh (my instructor) is solely permitted to beat me shitless in case I went rogue, not that I intend to anyway. But I decided to send you this *Letter* partly as a response to your hilarious earlier statement. Me, alone? That had me laughing my ass off. I also address you to prove once and for all that I am Literate (Some asswipe decided I can't receive letters, I have two in his possession currently and I'm pretty sure that denying me correspondence is not part of my deal with the Guarding Guild. I mean, what's up with that?) Christ, of course I am literate, my father was a fucking doctor, and I spent 3 agonizing years in Training camps struggling with Strategy Education. Jesus. By the way forgive the excess of cussing in this thing, I know you're supposed to be a lady and all, and I'm not supposed to cuss in the presence of a lady. I just don't give any more fucks. Yours, Eren Fucking Jaeger. 26th of the holy September."
"That was a long note. Love Lezly. 27th of the holy September."
"I know. E.J the 30th."
"But are you alone? L.H the 12th of the holy October."
"Stupid question, stupid girl. Eren the 20th"
"Let's play a guessing game. Lezly the 23rd of October."
"Did you know… Lezly the 24th"
"that.. Lezly the 25th"
"Lidehwigh is actually a man? Lezly the 26th"
"You are really sadistic Lieutenant. Dragging this astonishing information over 4 letters, and 4 days. Eren the 27th "
"Dear Titan kid
I saw the medic woman running the other day, and it was odd. She weighs over a hundred pounds, and speaking of which let's talk about you.
Is that bulk I see? Actual bulk? You know, Lidehwigh is told to be a woman for miracles, whose mind once set upon a task, she'd be adamant and go to the ends of the earth to complete it. It proved right, her will that is. She was dead-set about covering you in muscle, and here I am watching you get bigger and bigger with each passing day. I see you've beaten her challenge, and dragged that carriage all the way to the pond and up the hill. I also heard that she's forcing you into taking a dip in the pond every morning. Trust me, it's not so bad. I mean, we're in mid-December and the weather is severely cold, but she has to test whether your health is as restorable as your other limbs. Also, are you getting taller? Cuz I nearly can't recognize you anymore, it's those freaky titan hormones of yours huh? Did puberty finally kick in? Love Lezly, the 18th of the holy December."
"Dear Lieutenant.
With all due respect, I have hit puberty a long long while ago. The medic woman you saw running was there to check on me, and she confirms that it's Lidehwigh's training and my unique body structure that's shooting my height up a couple of inches every night. Soon, I'll be towering over Zach. Speaking of Zach, do you think he's lying with Lid-Lid. The walls in my room are extremely thin and are not voice proof. So please ask them to lower down and give me some fucking sleep. Eren. J the 23rd of December."
"Dear Titan kid
Please don't tell me that Lid-Lid is a short for Lidehwigh. Also, Captain Zachariya is a homosexual. Also (again) I'm pretty sure the voices you've heard were coming from my room, it's fairly close to yours. Lezly, the 26th of December."
"No."
"Yes."
"No."
"If you're going to keep this up, you can tell me in person. It's not like you're mute. Lezly, the 30th of December."
"Lezly, remember 5 months ago when I first came here and you guys locked me up in this dark cell? Well, I kind of sustained various injuries back then. Eren the 3rd of January 851"
"That's the point of it really. It's called psychological turmoil, or in simpler terms, Brainwashing. They make you suffer for the gravest, longest time and for no apparent reason. It's Lidehwigh's personal strategy to keep her followers following. She claims that violence can create an obedient person, better that that person is fueled by hate and hostility inwards its own master. Said Master could be obeyed still, because in spite of the cruelty the dog holds he would never dare to stray from the line of orders, so won't you. Lezly, the 5th "
"Yes, well, I'm pretty sure that Zach's gay now. The guy took his chance during your *psychological-(it's a long word) and cut my own dick off, twice. Eren J the 6th"
"*This note is a personal dedication to Eren Jaeger* Dear lord, Bless the Titan, and, bless his dick. May it rest in peace. Lezly Hennings the 13th of January."
"Amen. Eren Jaeger the 14th of January."
"Lezly, on another side though, what did you mean about the voices in your room. 'Cause I'm hearing them again. Eren Jaeger the 24th of January."
"You're actually 2 heads taller than Zach now. I'm proud of you. Lezly 25th"
"Lezly, answer my question. Eren, 26th"
"I'm pretty sure you're buffer than him as well, why don't we find out for sure. Come to my room at 4th February, 8 o'clock in the evening. Love, Lezly Hennings. Th 27th of January."
Eren lay on his back, the all too familiar harshness of his mattress digging into his flesh. His fingers were absent-mindedly twirling the latest note he's received from Lieutenant Hennings, a current of black thoughts spreading through his skull, murderous, lethal. He seriously wanted to strangle Lezly, just for making him stay up during his very limited sleep time. He kept a poker face though, one he mastered pulling on and off during the past 6 months. To guard your piss-poor ass, Lidehwigh had said. You don't want nosy people reading your emotions through your face.
She needn't tell him twice. Since the first day of his training, Eren's rage had consistently subsided. He sunk into an accelerated routine. Every day, starting his first week, he found himself lying in the ice cold water of the pond facing the castle. Each day, for the first month, he submerged his entire body in the shallow water and gazed up at a slightly lit night sky. He knew he must rejoice in its beauty, but every time he looked at the stars, he was vaguely reminded by the horrendous gap the absence of his close ones had left. He felt alone, so utterly alone, and he blamed the stars for his misery.
The stars were a new addition to a long list of people whom he would gladly kill in this shithole.
But eventually, that feeling got replaced with the dull machinery with which he did everything. He adopted a nonchalant and yet stoic behavior, towards his new comrades, towards his superiors and towards Lidehwigh. And he rarely, if ever, exploded. His tenacious nature was covered with layers within layers of new-born emotionlessness. He remained fierce though, fierce and ferocious and cruel. In the midst of a battle, Eren Jaeger never yields.
So he never backed away. He has never remained in that single spot, hidden within the thick current of the pond. He has always steeled up and came to his feet. He has always followed Lidehwigh, not complaining and uncharacteristically silent. He accepted whatever tasks she threw upon his weaving shoulders. Once she had asked him to drag that carriage, once she had asked him to push a rock twice his size to the top of the mountain (all while under her watch). It had been her enormous amusement, watching him play animal, watching him run for hours 'till he dropped, and observing his fighting style. She usually made him engage in wrestling spars with men thrice his size, and he obliged. At first, he dragged himself back at 11 o'clock of the evening with several broken bones, and a limb cut off, but he grew used to the training rhythm. For 6 months he worked to the bone, he exerted himself to the point of exhaustion and remained up for 20 hours a day.
But he beat it. He beat his weakness. He beat his guilt. He beat his helplessness. He beat his fiery spirit, for what was an ambition's worth if you had zero potential to compete with life.
Armin had potential, Jean, Sasha, Christa, they all had a certain aptitude in a certain domain. He had none. Mikasa had a god given talent, and her name still tasted sour on his tongue, all their names really. What set him apart from the rest of them, is that he built his own potential. After all those losses, hadn't he managed to flip each and every single one of his opponents over his shoulders? Hadn't he managed to beat them shitless without batting an eyelash? Hadn't he made Lidehwigh proud? He knew he made her proud, in spite of her apathetic features. He also knew he was stronger. He could inspect the line of thick muscle trailing from his arms to his hard abdominals to his severely trained legs. A looming figure had sprouted from that of a 16 year old Eren Jaeger, and now he towered over Lidehwigh, rejoicing in the greatness of a full 182 centimeters, only to remember that Lidehwigh has now permanent access to his balls and she can kick him there whenever she wants.
Which is what she'll probably do if he doesn't get the fuck up now.
He dully sat up and felt for the lamp by his cot. Once lit, he pulled his military pants, and the thick black T-shirt Lidehwigh had thrown for him to wear from his first day of training. It had been hanging loose over is badly nurtured body back then, but now, it firmly fit his every layer of muscle and it felt annoying to move in such confined clothing.
He stopped midway through lacing his boots, staring at the awfully lonesome stack of books by the foot of the wooden shelves. He had taken a habit of reading a little every now and then, whenever Insomnia hit him during his limited sleep time. He finished the casual lacing and firmly walked to the stack, bending over and scanning the volumes with narrowed eyes. He instantly frowned when he recognized the Monarchy's official letter to the superiors of the Guarding Guild, the one that condemned him to this place.
What was it doing there?
Not that he cared anymore.
He monitored his path through the maze of hallways and found himself in the Castle's gardens, the ones that stretched to acres and acres of tree covered land. Ever since Lidehwigh decided that security surrounding the Castle had be so expert that they needn't follow him everywhere, he enjoyed he tiny bit of freedom he obtained. His legs willed him to sprint into the usual 50 laps out of habitude, but he knew he should wait for Lidehwigh's arrival. He stood still as stone beside the gigantic door of the building, the freezing wind of January ripping through his thick dark hair. The cold didn't bother him anymore, not after he learned how to control his body temperature. He needed a haircut though, he thought as he scanned his surrounding through his bangs. His fingers slowly rose to feel the line of hair reaching midway to the back of his neck. He scrunched his nose in displease, thinking that he definitely needed a haircut; just as Lidehwigh's tall figure came into view.
And then the day went by, like usual. She led him to the pond, dipped him within. Steam sprouted from the pores in his flesh but she tied a boat to his neck, nonetheless. He was supposed to lead it against the current, so he expectedly dove in the ice cold water and swam. That specific activity was supposed to train his arms and legs, and he had repeated it nearly every day since the coming of winter. It had become so casual it was nearly boring.
But Lidehwigh proved to be as creative as ever, today. As she led him to the familiar arena, a sand covered narrow space circled with gigantic trees, she represented to him his new opponent, a Wild 7 feet bear.
"Our men barely managed to keep it alive for your own leisure, enjoy." She backed away, murmuring "we'll see how you handle your Titans."
Eren fixed his metallic green gaze on the monster thrashing and howling in the cage. He gave them 10s delay to set it free. 9,8,7, he cracked his knuckles and stood in position,6,5,4, his eyes met briefly with a golden pair, platinum bangs brushing a pale face and a playful quirk to a lovely smile, so she's here huh? 3, 2, 1.
The beast was finally free.
At that moment, all the soldiers retreated to the heavy foliage. He found himself alone, and he watched every step the prudent animal took in his direction. He should probably decapitate it's paws first, then break its jaw later. He ducked immediately as the animal went for an assault. He kept playing avoid, ducking and rolling away and willing to wear it down. The bear was hungry though. Eren knew that that made him tenfold as dangerous.
It's okay. That actually made them even. He was very hungry too.
The young man moved in the speed of lightning, rolling underneath the monster and grabbing a fallen tree branch. He swung his miniscule weapon at the beast, who complied, leaning into him with such ferocious growl that the ground beneath them shook. Eren saw his chance and dove into the Bear's wide open jaw, as it closed over him, Canines threatening to cut his head off of his shoulders, he permitted himself to recall the vague feeling he's had in a situation similar to this one; when diving in to save his friend Armin and getting swallowed immediately after his futile attempt, he's learned from that lesson. He will not play hero, he will not hesitate. So, he fixed the solid branch in a vertical arc. That way, the branch prevented the beast from closing its jaw. He's provided himself with a perfect momentum. He flung himself over its back and expectedly dealt with the animal's thrashing shoulder. Leaning onto adrenalin infused power, he nearly ripped the arm off, using a bigger stray branch this time. Once off, he lifted the pointy arm effortlessly and hit the animal's still struggling jaw with enormous force. He heard a crack, so he hit again and again and again, until the jaw fell slack to the ground. The animal was still struggling, but weakly. It lay in a pool of its own blood. Eren leaned in, pushing the bear's body onto its back. His hands felt for the weak spot in the chest and fisted into it like a stake. His bloodied hand came out clutching firmly at a still beating heart. Eren fixed it with a glassy stare, he then lifted in position with his mouth and bit into it, tasting the sour savor of blood and swallowing a mouthful of the acidic flesh.
That was another sort of torture Lidehwigh had provided him with. She had denied him the ordinary sets of food and instead offered him the raw and bloody heart of an animal. At first, he denied, but then he obliged, throwing up immediately after. Now, grabbing a mouthful from time to time became another habitude, one he was willing to do at that very moment.
He glanced at the bear's body. The thing had gone limp and was already slightly reeking. He sat atop it for a tiny while, enjoying the fresh smell of snow covered pine trees. He threw the decaying flesh of the heart in the foliage and prepared to prop the bear's slack body over his. With that, he managed to drag it all the way to the Castle. No one congratulated him, but for the first time, instead of seeing the usual hate and disdain in their eyes, he saw fear.
That made him grin from ear to ear.
Lidehwigh's head inclined backwards to look him in the eye. Eren's grin didn't even waver. Instead he dropped the dead body before her.
"Fine. You can take the rest of the day off."
When he closed his door behind him, Eren was laughing hysterically. He sat on his piled cot and grinned to the wall. "They're scared aren't they? Scared of who? Me?" he scoffed, and dove for the stack of books he'd seen early in the morning. He hadn't had time for himself in such a long time that he'd forgotten what to do with it. He could always read one of these volumes or write the millionth letter that he knew he couldn't send back home. Correspondence was taboo, and contacting the Scouting Legion was a mere impossibility. That was exactly why he'd been surprised when a neatly folded letter slid out of the book's cover. The paper even had the Scouting Legion's emblem on it, along with a tiny inscription. 'Tried delivering this safely to you as a favor, now you won't be as alone.'
He knew that writing. Lezly's. he quickly unfolded the letter, his eyes devouring its first sentences and then immediately scrunching the paper between his fists.
Armin Arlert.
They just couldn't stop trying could they? They couldn't cope and wouldn't let him cope.
Alright, next chapter will be Mikasa-centric, review if you guys like this. :)