I Tried My Best to Be Guarded

Do I sit here and try to stand it?

Do I trust some and get fooled by phoniness,

Or do I trust nobody and live in loneliness?

Because I can't hold on when I'm stretched so thin

I put on my daily facade but then

I just end up getting hurt again

It took Blaine four days of debating with himself before he talked to Kurt again. Blaine had been homeless for a year and Kurt was the first person to find out about him, so even though it didn't seem like Kurt was going to compromise him, Blaine still couldn't decide whether Kurt now represented a bigger risk than before and what to do about it. In the end he didn't make a decision, he didn't even think, he just acted. He had a free period so he went to the library to study as he always did and was about to sit down in his usual spot when he noticed Kurt sitting by himself at a table, apparently absorbed in whatever he was reading. Blaine had a moment of hesitation then walked over and sat across Kurt, putting his books on the table and crossing his arms over them.

Kurt looked up at the noise and Blaine saw his face shift from indifference to surprise when he realized who he was.

"So, are we back to ignoring each other?" Blaine asked in a low voice so as not to disturb anyone or attract attention. Kurt blinked and opened his mouth to say something but Blaine beat him to it. "I'm just asking because this back and forth is kind of confusing me."

Kurt raised his eyebrows and his mouth quirked up as if Blaine had said something funny, "That makes two of us."

Blaine shrugged, having no idea what he was doing and feeling strangely detached from himself, as if something was overriding his brain and taking control, "I've never seen you in the library at this hour. I thought you had class."

Kurt didn't seem fazed by the abrupt change in conversation, "I usually spend it in the choir room but I need to finish this essay." He picked his pen up and tapped it twice on his notebook.

"History?"

Kurt nodded, "Yeah."

"I need to work on that too. What are you doing for that English project?" Blaine opened one of his books just to do something and to avert his eyes from Kurt, who seemed not to find anything weird in their exchange. It was a normal conversation but to Blaine it felt surreal, since he usually avoided any kind of unnecessary interaction.

Kurt huffed, "I haven't even started thinking about that."

"You're working with Tina, right?" Blaine asked lightly moving his fingers over the random page he had opened his book at.

Kurt made a displeased face, "No, Ms. Christie asked her to work with Brett to help raise his mark. She's too good to say no."

"Maybe we could work together." Blaine blurted out without thinking and they both stared at each other. It was only for a brief moment and Blaine didn't even have the time to chastise himself over where the hell had that come from before Kurt was looking away and spotting something – or someone – that made his expression darken.

"Maybe it's not a good idea for us to hang out at school." He didn't look at Blaine when he said that and Blaine instantly regretted ever talking to him.

"Right. Wouldn't want to be seen with me, huh?" Blaine moved to stand but Kurt grabbed his wrist to stop him.

"I didn't mean that! It's not safe for you to be seen with me." Kurt looked around, but the few other people in the library didn't seem to be paying them any attention. He immediately retracted his hand when Blaine sat down again.

Blaine studied Kurt's face for signs of lying but he couldn't spot any, "It's not like I'm joining glee club and dancing in the courtyard. It's just a paper."

Kurt nodded, "I know, but people are weird. I just don't want you to get slushied or worse."

Blaine frowned, "I thought you didn't care about what other people think. That's the one thing I knew about you before I ever talked to you."

Kurt gave a him a small smile, "I don't but this is not about me."

"How about we work on this paper and if anything goes wrong, we go back to ignoring each other afterwards?" Blaine shrugged, ignoring the feeling that he was making a mistake even allowing this small exception.

Kurt's smile actually reached his eyes, and Blaine couldn't help but think that it was genuine, "Okay."

They spent the rest of the hour in silence working on their own but agreed to meet the next day after school to start brainstorming for their English project. Kurt smiled at him before leaving and Blaine told himself he was only doing this because it was safer to keep an eye on the one person who knew his biggest secret.

~:~

The following day Blaine was in the library five minutes before the agreed upon time. He sat himself at a table and opened one of his books to look busy, but found himself unable to get past the first paragraph because he kept glancing up at the door to look for Kurt's arrival. It was ridiculous and he knew it, so he tried harder to concentrate on what he was reading. When he glanced up again he realized Kurt was five minutes late and he fought to keep at bay the feeling that he was just wasting his time. Blaine decided to give the boy a half hour to show up and if he didn't Blaine would leave.

The half-hour mark came and went without any sign of Kurt; by then Blaine was so angry he wanted to throw his book at the wall, but he didn't, instead he mentally berated himself for ever thinking – hoping – that this would go any differently. There was no place for hope in Blaine's life and he couldn't afford to forget it.

~:~

Blaine had spent two more hours in the library that afternoon to finish his homework, ignoring the English paper he was supposed to work on with Kurt and pushing aside every thought concerning the other boy. As much as he tried though, he was still in a sour mood the morning after when he found himself once again in gym class. Luckily for him Kurt was nowhere in sight.

"Hey, guys! Did you hear about Kurt's dad?"

Blaine looked up from where he was changing his clothes and saw Mike Chang approaching the other Glee guys, looking worried and wide-eyed.

"What about him?" Artie asked.

"Tina told me he's in the hospital." Gasps and various exclamations of surprise and worry followed this information but Blaine froze, listening intently.

"I don't know anything for sure yet. Tina overheard something about his heart but didn't get a chance to ask Kurt because Mr. Schue and Ms. Pillsbury immediately took him to the hospital. Nobody's heard from him since yesterday."

More chaos and questions followed, with Mike trying to explain he really didn't know anything more and Blaine heard Sam ask Finn if he'd heard from Kurt yet, "Your parents are dating right?" to which a flustered Finn mumbled Kurt hadn't called him.

Blaine didn't listen to anything else that was said. So that was why Kurt hadn't shown up and Blaine hadn't even given him the benefit of the doubt, immediately getting mad at him and himself for even thinking to maybe befriend the boy. A part of him knew his reaction had been justified – he had been disappointed enough times to last him a lifetime – and yet a different part of him had hoped Kurt was different. And maybe he was, Blaine only needed to give him a chance. If only he could find it in himself.

~:~

Blaine didn't see Kurt at all after hearing about his dad, so he was rather surprised to finally see him at his locker during lunch break the day after. Kurt looked distraught and Blaine's heart clenched a little at the sight.

"Hey." Blaine greeted softly.

Kurt turned to him, startled. "Blaine. Hi."

"I thought you weren't in school today."

"I only missed first period but I already have my homework and I have glee so I can't miss out on school." Kurt sounded exhausted, like he was doing everything on autopilot. "I'm sorry I didn't show up the other day-"

"I heard about your dad." Blaine interrupted him. "How is he?"

Kurt looked away, as if bracing himself, "He had a serious arrhythmia. He's stable now but he's in a coma. The doctors don't know if he's going to wake up."

"Kurt, I'm so sorry." Blaine spotted two of Kurt's glee friends exiting the cafeteria and frowned, "How come you're not with your friends?"

Kurt had followed his gaze and saw them too, "I needed to get away."

"Do you want me to leave you alone?"

Kurt shrugged, "Not unless you want to change my view on religion."

Blaine's frown deepened, "Why would I do that?"

Kurt shrugged again, "I wish I knew."

Blaine thought for a moment while Kurt finished putting his books away and closed his locker then he took a step back, his eyes fixed on Kurt, "Come with me."

"Where to?" Kurt asked, but he was already moving to follow Blaine.

"Somewhere no one will bother you."

Blaine took the stairs and started climbing them with Kurt on his side. "I wanted to text you, to at least let you know that I wasn't coming but-"

"I didn't give you my number." Blaine finished for him. He hadn't even thought about that until then and it was strange to think that Kurt might have spared even just a thought for him on any day, but especially not on the day his father had ended up in the hospital.

"Yeah." Kurt confirmed as they kept climbing. "Are we going to hide in one of the unused classrooms?" he asked when they got to the top floor.

"Nope." Blaine stopped in front of a door and opened it revealing a flight of narrow stairs.

"What is this?" Kurt asked peeking inside.

"This is the access to the roof."

"I didn't even know we could access the roof."

"I doubt we're allowed but no one's bothered to check this door in ages. The lock has been broken since last year when I transferred." Blaine shrugged.

"And you just walked around school trying every door?" Kurt asked with the smallest quirk to his mouth, like he couldn't help but find Blaine funny, which thoroughly confused Blaine.

"Pretty much." He gestured for Kurt to go up, "After you."

When they got outside Kurt tilted his head up to the sunlight and closed his eyes, basking for a moment in the unusual warmth for early November.

Kurt turned to look at Blaine, "Okay, this is pretty peaceful. I can see why you like it. Do you come up here often?"

"If it's not too cold or raining. Roofs are good places to hide."

Kurt tilted his head to the side, questioningly, "How so?"

Blaine shrugged, "People never look up."

Kurt thought about it for a moment, then nodded and turned to walk towards the railing. He crossed his arms over it and rested his chin on them, looking far away in the distance. Blaine followed him and mimicked his position. A moment of silence passed before Blaine spoke again.

"Are you two close?"

Kurt nodded, his eyes unfocused on something distant. Blaine could see the tears welling up in them. "He's all I have." Kurt whispered, a tear slowly making its way down his cheek. Suddenly he brushed it away and looked back at Blaine, "I'm sorry, I shouldn't dump this on you. You have your own problems."

"It's okay, I asked you." Blaine paused and they just looked at each other, "You can talk to me."

"I don't know what I'll do if I lose him." Kurt admitted in a broken voice.

Looking at Kurt, Blaine was struck by how open and honest the boy was. Blaine couldn't remember the last time someone had confided in him, made him feel like he cared, and Blaine knew that was a dangerous feeling. Letting people in usually lead to disappointment and hurt. But Kurt looked so vulnerable in that moment that Blaine couldn't bear to turn away from him, even though he didn't have in him any words or gestures that would make it better. All Blaine could give him was silent understanding and a place where Kurt could let his walls crumble without fear.