Ch4

I was at Jade's front door. It was painted black and peeling. It could only be Jade's door, I thought. Even her door suits her. Ok, now I'm delaying. Just knock, Cat. Do it. *knock knock* Well done. Oh God, now I hear footsteps. She's coming to the door! Ohhh, nooo. Well what did you expect, you did knock!

"Cat, what the hell are you doing here?" She looks annoyed!

"I'm leaving!" I want to run, really badly.

"NO! Stay Cat, we need to talk."

"Ohhh okay."

She dragged me in. Her bedroom is scary. Really, seriously creepy. She has pictures up on her wall of relatives whose eyes watch you, and headless dolls lined up on her shelf. I sat on the edge of her bed, and I could feel myself shaking.

"So. You saw Beck, am I right?"

"Yeah, I… saw him."

"And he was quite friendly towards you, right?"

"Right! But I didn't want him to be." Was that a lie?

"That's fine. I'm not angry. With you anyway."

"But Jade, you broke up. I'm not saying I wanted him to, but doesn't he have the right now to kiss who he likes?"

"NOT when he kisses one of your best friends WHO HE'S SECRETLY IN LOVE WITH!"

I fell off her bed onto the floor. Her last sentence caused me to nearly have a heart attack. How is he in love with me? She wasn't there; she didn't see the way he yelled at me. I didn't know she thought of me as one of her best friends, aww that's sweet… oh wait. Jade, sweet?

"He's not in love with me. Trust me Jade, you weren't there, but he really…"

"He IS in love with you. We broke up because… he told me he loved someone else. Someone who makes him feel happy and who is crazy and funny and sweet. Someone who he's known for a long time, and has always had feelings before. Unless he's talking about that nub of a girl Tori, I think we know who that leaves."

"Err… who?"

"You! God you're so slow."

"No Jade, he hates me! He yelled at me and made me cry and he just walked away!"

"He wasn't walking away from you; he was trying to walk away from his feelings. I don't think he wants to feel how he does about you. He thinks of you as like a little kid, who he loves like a sister and wants to look after. God knows why I ever went out with him, soppy bastard…"

"You loved him! And now you're upset, and you want him back."

"No! I never want him back. Not now I know his true feelings."

"So you're saying he's in love with me, but doesn't want us to be because he wants us to be friends?"

"Well done. You've finally grasped the concept of listening."

"No need to be vicious! I think I need to go home, think about things."

"Think! Wow, that'll be a first for you."

"Please Jade, just drive me home!"

"Fine!" She grabbed her keys and I followed her to her car. As she drove there was an awkward silence in the car that I decided to fill with a song.

"You don't have to be afraid to put your dreams in action…"

"I hate that song!"

"Oh, well what do you want me to sing?"

"Nothing, look your home. Oh, and if you see Robbie before I do, tell him he's a tale-telling moron."

I left her car and headed towards my door. I looked behind me to shout bye to Jade but she wasn't listening. She seemed to be singing to herself as she started to drive off. I smiled to myself. Visiting Jade had made me feel happier. That's the first time Jade has ever made me feel happier. Now I am starting to make sense of everything.

I like Beck… Beck likes me. Ok, Beck doesn't want to like me, but I don't feel comfortable about liking Beck. Jade doesn't want to be with him any longer. Beck is as confused about his feelings as I am, but would it work out? I'm very different to Beck. But Beck was very different to Jade, and their relationship lasted over two years. Oh phooey, I am still confused. Should I make a move?

That night the same conversation kept playing over and over in my mind. Jade's voice kept ringing in my ears, "someone who makes him feel happy and who is crazy and funny and sweet". He must have really said that about me. They certainly weren't Jade's words. What do I like about Beck? I can sure make a list:

"He's relaxed. He can calm me down when I'm in one of my rages like nobody else can. He's always sympathetic, and listens to you. He's mega cute, and I love his hair. He has beautiful big brown eyes, like mine! Oh and he always smells nice, like fresh. He's really smart, and he's not scared of anything!"

I carried on talking to myself as if someone was listening.

"Ok, I love him. I really do. How could I have not seen this before? Am I really this dizzy that I miss what is right in front of my eyes? Oh gosh, Beck must think I'm so stupid, he will never want to go out with me now! I have to talk to him. If he's not in school tomorrow, I'm going round to his house. Yes, that worked with Jade, she didn't even yell, well, not directly at me anyway. I can go and see him."

Sure enough, the next day he wasn't in. I was feeling so nervous by the end of the day I felt physically sick and spent the last ten minutes of the last lesson in the toilets an inch away from throwing up. I heard the bell, and rushed out of the toilets up to Tori.

"Toooriii. Hi Tori, can I ask you a favour?"

"Where do you want to go?"

"Beck's house"

"What! No way Cat."

"Oh please, please you know I love you right? I'd drive you around if my therapist said I was allowed to drive!"

"Grrr, fine! But I'm coming in with you this time; I'm not just dropping you off."

"I've got to do this myself. I'm not a kid, y'know?"

The last sentence stumped her. It was a good sentence, for me anyway. It sounded all grown up and clever.

"Ok, fine, but you ring me if anything goes wrong, promise?"

"Promise."