Lister was sat at the table in his quarters, just below the Cat who was sewing his clothes, perched in Lister's bunk. He turned another page in the book and read out loud to his companion. He was just turning the page when Rimmer came in.

'Good book?' Asked Rimmer, upon entering the room.

'Yeah, it's alright,' Lister replied.

'I didn't think you read,' Rimmer replied snootily.

'Not much, but this is good,' Lister replied.

'What is it?' Rimmer asked out of curiosity.

'It's your diary,' Lister replied smugly.

'WHAT!?' Rimmer exclaimed.

'I didn't know you sent secret love letters to Carol McCauley,' Lister stated.

'Lister, that is my private, personal, private diary; full of my personal, private, personal things,' Rimmer scolded.

'It's gone public,' the Cat informed him.

'I don't believe it! You've been reading that to the Cat?' Rimmer exclaimed.

'Only the best bits!' The Cat justified.

' "Carol McCauley, your eyes are like two limpid pools in the mornings." ' Lister read from the diary.

'Shut up,' his orders fell on deaf ears as Lister continued.

' "Your hair is like a golden waterfall." ' Lister smirked as he read the poetry.

'Shut up,' Rimmer demanded.

' "Plus, those tight skirts you wear make me really horny." ' Lister finished.

'Lister, I order you to shut your face,' Rimmer said angrily.

'It's no big deal, you know. You can read my diary,' Lister told him.

'Who'd want to read your diary? It's full of puerile nonsense about Kristine Kochanski,' Rimmer stated.

'Ah, So you've read my diary,' Lister concluded.

'Yes, but at least I have the common decency to do it sneakily behind your back,' Rimmer defended.

'He's right. That is definitely the decent thing to do!' The Cat stated, clearly amused by all this.

'Anyway, my puerile nonsense about Krissy is nowhere near as bad as your crush on Teresa,' Lister stated. 'How come you never said anything?'

'Say anything! She thought I was a total smeghead! And what would you have done if you'd known? I bet you would have rubbed it in, teased me relentlessly about it, I bet you would have told her. You always were pally. You could have laughed at me together,' he cried out.

'I'd have never,' Lister replied. "I might have teased yeh but I'd never have told her or laughed at you. She was really cute, it's understandable.'

'Oh shut up,' Rimmer rolled his eyes. 'And keep your smegging hands off my diary!'

'I'm doing it for a reason anyway. Look what I found in Kochanski's quarters this morning,' Lister held up a picture.

'So?' Rimmer asked.

'Look at it!' Lister told him.

'It's a wedding photograph,' Rimmer stated, unimpressed and confused at the relevance.

'Yeah, And who is the incredibly gorgeous hunky beefcake she's marrying?' Lister asked smugly.

'It's you! But you didn't marry Kochanski!' Rimmer said in disbelief.

'Exactly! So how is this possible, unless somehow we go back in time?' Lister explained.

'What's this got to do with my diary?' Rimmer asked.

'It's this bit here about the mushrooms, on the day you thought Teresa kissed you, isn't it. You see, when you saw your head coming through the table, I don't think it was a hallucination. I think you were seeing you, now, arriving back in the past,' Lister explained.

'There's a wise old Cat saying which I think applies in this situation. It goes: "What are you talking about, dog-breath?" ' Said the Cat.

'Listen to what it said. It says; "The head came through the table and said, `I'm from the future. I've come to save your life. We found a stasis leak on floor sixteen.'" You see, I don't think it was a hallucination.' Lister theorised.

'What's a stasis leak?' The Cat asked just as Holly popped up on the monitor.

'Alright, dudes. What's going down in groove town then?' Holly greeted.

'Alright, Hol. Listen, what's a stasis leak?' Lister asked.

'Um, well, very, very basically, putting it as simply as I can for your average layman to comprehend, a stasis leak is a leak, right, in stasis, hence the name "a stasis leak." ' Holly replied.

'You don't know, do you, Hol?' Lister responded.

'No, I don't,' Holly replied.

'Well, I suggest we go down to floor sixteen and see what's there,' Lister stated.

'How come he never, ever knows anything? He's supposed to have an I.Q. of six thousand!' Rimmer complained.

'Six thousand's not that much. It's only the same IQ as twelve thousand car park attendants,' Holly replied in jest.

'But you don't know anything,' Rimmer said.

'Listen, I happen to be one of the sleekest, most sophisticated computers ever devised by man. I'm the nearest thing you can get to infullible,' Holly defended.

'Infallible,' Lister corrected.

'Exactly,' Holly nodded.

'I want to say thank you again, Kochanski, for coming to my aid like this,' Captain Hollister said as I stood just outside the shower while he stood inside, in a giant chicken suit.

'Teresa,' I said with a soft smile, hosing him down.

'Yes, Teresa,' he smiled back. 'It's not often I find myself in this situation, but I'm grateful you've agreed to help me and keep it a secret.'

'I'm just grateful you didn't punish me too severally when I hacked the announcement system. We're friends, let's say no more about it,' I told him as I started combing the paint out of the wet chicken's belly.

'Deal,' he replied and then turned off the water.

He stepped outside of the shower and I started blowdrying the front of him, paint now out.

'How did you get covered in this anyway?' I asked.

'I think Rimmer's gone bananas,' Hollister replied. 'Today he reported that Lister drugged him with space mushrooms and then later when I went to apologise for giving him PD he went off the deep end started painting my costume and yelling at me.'

'I think he must have thought you were a hallucination,' I laughed. 'I'm sure he'll be fine. I'll check on him after this, if you like. Arnold Rimmer doesn't scare me.'

'Would you?' Hollister asked.

'Course, anything for a friend,' I smiled.

'Hey, Lister have you seen Rimmer?' Teresa asked, no idea she was speaking to the Lister from 3 million years in the future.

'Um, no,' He replied and she turned to look at the Cat who was standing next to him.

'Hey!' She smiled enthusiastically and pointed to him. 'I bet I know who you are. You're going as Liberace to that party tonight, aren't you?'

'Yer he is,' Lister snorted and dragged the Cat out of the room. 'I'll see you around Teresa.'

'That's the one Goal Post Head was crushing on?' The Cat asked him.

'Yeah, that's Krissy's little sister,' Lister explained to his companion.

'I can see why, for once Alphabet Head and I agree on something, she's beautiful' the Cat replied and then yowled as he went down the hallway.

'Peterson,' I yelled as I jogged up the hallway to Lister's mate who was carrying the luggage of two female shipmates. I bet he knew where Rimmer was, he was always teasing him.

'Not now Teresa, I am assisting these two beautiful women,' he told me theatrically, probably trying to get laid.

'But Olaf,' I whined seductively. 'Remember when I was a beautiful woman you would assist?' I asked shoving myself up against him and resting a hand on his chest. 'Make love to me, Peterson, just one last time. I can't stand it, all those nights alone without you.'

'I can't Teresa,' he replied, turning his head away dramatically, catching on to what I was doing. 'Our time making love together is over, we can never be together again.'

'Don't do it Olaf,' I threw my head back. 'I need you.'

'No Teresa,' he said. 'We are over,' he pulled away and then threw his head up in the air dramatically as the girls followed after him, suddenly intrigued.

I ran down into the ship and caved, asking Holly because otherwise I'd be running around all day. He was reportedly in the medical bay for some reason. I ran down there as quickly as I could, fearing the Captains concerns were legitimate. Stories of horror running through my mind. Damn that smeg head.

'Excuse me,' I panted, reaching a medical officer. 'Captain Hollister sent me,' I gasped.

'What does the Captain require?' He asked.

'Information,' I replied, regaining myself. 'He spoke to Second Technician Arnold Rimmer several times today and..'

'He's been admitted, yes,' the officer cut me off. 'If the Captain was concerned about Rimmer's psychotic state, he was right. We've given him a stomach pump and a blood transfusion so there's no possible way for the mushrooms from Titan to still be in his system. You can see him if you like.'

'Mushrooms did all this?' I asked in disbelief.

'We think so,' the doctor replied. 'We'll find out after this I suppose.'

'I'm glad you can be so precise,' I replied sarcastically, walking with him into Rimmer's room.

'Mister Rimmer,' the doctor cleared his throat. 'You've got a visitor.'

'If it's Lister, tell him to go away, I don't want to see him. I don't want him anywhere near me,' Rimmer replied still laying down.

'It's Miss Kochanski,' the doctor replied. 'I'll leave you to it, Teresa.'

'Teresa,' Rimmer brightened, trying to sit up. 'God it was awful, I saw my own head come out of the table. He said he was from the future, that I would be dead in 3 million years.'

'Would you really?' I replied sarcastically.

'That's what I said,' he replied, still out of it. 'And then there was a chicken in my room, it sounded like Hollister.'

'It was Hollister,' I replied. 'There's a costume party tonight at the disco, you painted the Captain.'

'Oh smeg,' Rimmer replied in realisation. 'Oh no. No. No. NO.'

'He's not angry anymore,' I told him, perching on his bed. 'I spoke to him and now he's just concerned about your safety and wellbeing.'

'You spoke to him, on my behalf?' Rimmer looked at me surprised.

'Course I did, you're Lister's mate,' I explained. 'He's practically family. Any friend of his is a friend of mine.'

'That explains why Peterson and his cronies are so nice to you,' Rimmer replied. 'But Lister and I are not mates, he was the one who did this to me.'

'He didn't know they were hallucinogenic,' I defended. 'He'd never do that to someone, he won't even sleep with anyone when they're drunk, unless he's equally as drunk.'

'Well that fills me with comfort,' Rimmer replied sarcastically.

'Miss Kochanski, he's good to go now, you can escort him back to his quarters if you like,' the medical officer stated.

'Sure,' I smiled. 'Rimmer, do you want me to come with you?' I asked.

'You want to come back to my quarters?' He asked surprised.

'Sure, I promised the Captain I'd see you well,' I replied.

'The Captain wants me well?' He asked with the same surprise.

'The Captain cares about all his crew, even especially annoying smeggers like yourself,' I grinned and ruffled his surgical cap.

I walked silently by the orderly as he wheeled Rimmer back to his quarters and waved to passers by that I knew. I saw Peterson sneaking out of a room hair all disheveled and smirked. He winked at me and went on his merry way.

'So, they won't come back again?' Rimmer asked once we reached his quarters.

'Just stay calm, keep cool, and get some sleep,' the orderly replied.

'There he is. Sleeping like a baby. I'm going to get better, then I'm going to kill him,' Rimmer said upon noticing Lister. He then unstrapped him from his wheelchair and with my help got him on the bed.

'If you need anything, Call Holly,' he said. 'And good luck Teresa,' and with that he left.

'I bet this is better,' I smiled, sitting down next to him. 'Being in your own quarters, safe and sound instead of in that stuffy medibay.'

'Sure, back in the place where all this smeging stuff started,' he replied crossing his arms.

'You're not crazy Rimmer,' I smiled softly. 'Stop worrying they'll come back. Listen, I'm going to go get you something to eat, and then I'll come back and help you get to bed, alright.'

'Nothing with mushrooms,' he told me.

'No mushrooms, I promise,' I grinned and ruffled his surgical cap again. 'I'll be right back.'

I had no idea why I was being so kind to Rimmer, who, ordinarily drove me up the wall. But there was something about seeing him like this made me feel pretty bad. I went over to the nearest dispenser and asked it for Rimmer's favourite, and didn't take much notice as to what it was. The hardest part of the whole ordeal was remembering his crew number and quoting it to the machine.

'GO AWAAAYYYYYYYYYYYY!' I heard screaming from a few corridors ahead and frowned.

'Smeg,' I said and grabbed his food and a water bottle, running down the hallways and back towards Rimmer and Lister's quarters, hoping Lister could handle himself.

'What the smeg are you yelling about man?' Lister asked as I got through the door, huffing and puffing a little.

'What happened?' I gasped. 'I came as quickly as I could.'

'They came back again, this time there was two dead me's and two other Listers and a strange man with big teeth,' Rimmer replied.

'You mean the guy in the Liberace costume?' I asked. 'I saw him earlier. And there's only one Lister here now, why not sit back down and have some dinner? Hmm?' I soothed.

'You're probably right,' he nodded.

'You're just tired,' I told him and he nodded again, letting me come over and help prop him up.

'I don't usually eat in my bunk,' he stated.

'I know,' I nodded. 'Just this once,' I told him, setting up his food.

'Why are you helping me?'

'Hollister asked me to, I told you. You're still the smeghead you always were, you're just stressed.'

'You want any help?' I heard Lister ask from above. 'No, you're alright, Dave. I've got tomorrow morning off so I'll see Rimmer through this and then head off. You get some sleep.'

'Alright, you need anything just wake me,' he replied.

'I will,' I smiled up at the bunk above me. 'Night Dave.'

'Night Teresa,' he replied and it wasn't long before he was snoring away, loudly. I let out a quiet giggle, putting a hand over my mouth at the chainsaw level snores and pointed up at the bunk above us as Rimmer gave me a funny look.

'Why are you eating everything separately?' I asked, watching Rimmer eat everything methodically and only eating one thing at a time.

'I like to eat my food alphabetically,' he replied tiredly.

'And I thought I had OCD,' I laughed and watched him eat. I helped him open his water bottle and drink before heading to his cupboard, grabbing some pyjamas out for him.

'You finished?' I asked as I watched him try to get up. He nodded. 'Here,' I took the tray from him and put it on the table in the middle of the room.

I then went over to him and helped him sit up facing me, legs dangling over the front of the bed. I started pulling the trousers over his legs and pulled them up over his feet towards his knees were his surgical gown ended.

'Right,' I said. 'You pull them on while I work on unbuttoning your shirt,' I told him, getting up off my knees and turning away from him.

When I turned around again he was finished dressing, and I untied the gown from the back, tossing it into a laundry hamper nearby. Then I wrapped the unbuttoned pyjama shirt around his shoulders, getting one arm in and then the next. I looked down, about to start buttoning his shirt closed when I got momentarily distracted by his abs. I wasn't expecting such a smeghead like Rimmer to be built like this, even his arms are a little bit toned.

'What?' he asked and I shook my head.

'Sorry,' I replied going to button his shirt closed, trying not to touch them. 'There,' I smiled when he was fully dressed. 'That's better,' I helped him back against his pillows, pulling the blankets over him and tucking him in lightly.

'I still feel like this is all some kind of practical joke or a dream or something,' Rimmer said.

'Oh Rimmer,' I sighed, sitting beside him on the edge of his bed. 'You really need to lighten up. Stop being such a stickler for the rules and have a little fun every now and again. People will like you a lot more if you stop putting them on report for stuff.'

'You really think that's all it'll take? They hate me Teresa, they think I'm a smeghead,' Rimmer said.

'Stop acting like one then,' I told him.

'They hate me Teresa, everyone does,' he winged.

'I don't hate you,' I rubbed his arm, trying to assure him.

'You don't?' he asked sitting up to look at me.

'No,' I smiled, looking at him, just inches away from my face. I could feel his breath hitting me in the face and my eyes dropped down to his pale pink lips. 'No I don't hate you,' I breathed.

'No?' he asked, looking at me in an adoration I'd never noticed before.

'No,' I confirmed and shuddered as one of his hands came to rest on my upper arm.

I quickly closed the gap between us and connected our mouth, kissing the soft, plump lips that were usually twisted into a smarmy smirk and telling everyone he was putting them on report. They were surprisingly quiet as he kissed me back. A hand slid to the back of my neck, fingers knotting themselves in the hair at the nape of my neck. I dropped my hand to the bed beside us and his warm and much larger hand moved forward to hold it, intertwining with mine. I shifted forwards, moulding my torso into his and slipping my tongue between his lips, running it over the back of his teeth. He jumped in surprise but moved forward, tilting his head for a better angle and kissing me back with enthusiasm.

'Oh my god,' I breathed out in shock as he pulled away for air. I put my hand up to my mouth, heart hammering in my chest, pulse throbbing in my ears.

'That was amazing,' he replied.

'That was wildly inappropriate,' I replied shocked at my own behaviour.

'I mean,' he stuttered out. 'I know you're an officer and I'm a second technician but..'

'No it's not that,' I assured. 'No really, that's not what bothers me. It's just so wrong right now, for me to be kissing you. You just got out of the medical unit for christ's sake. I'm so sorry, I should have never taken advantage of you like that.'

'You've taken advantage of me?' He asked surprised.

'Rimmer, listen,' I backed up on the bed. 'You should get some rest, sleep this off.'

'Wait,' he sat further up. 'I feel fine, you should stay.'

'No,' I replied getting up. 'No, I shouldn't stay,' I told him and then softened, seeing his heart broken face. 'Come and see me, when you're better. We'll organise to go for a drink. Or we could have a tea in the cafeteria,' I assured him.

'You promise?' He asked.

'I promise,' I nodded.

'So that was a bit of a wasted trip,' the Cat commented upon entry to the drive room.

'It was nice seeing her again, just seeing her,' Lister replied. 'Even if she was with that plonk.'

'Lister that plonk was you,' Rimmer replied, thinking about that day, all those years ago. Discovering only now, that that kiss they'd shared wasn't a hallucination and she really had said she hadn't hated him, really had kissed him. It was real, and he'd been too terrified to do anything, and now she was dead. He'd been a fool.

'No I'm me,' Lister replied. 'He was different.'

'Yeah, he was you in five years you goit,' Rimmer replied. 'Now I wanna know if it worked.'

'You wanna know if your whacked out of your mind on mushrooms self decided to go into stasis?' Lister asked in disbelief.

'I can answer that one for you myself, not-buddy,' the Cat replied.

'What's happening dudes,' Holly said, hopping back onto the monitors and out of Lister's watch.

'Did it work?' Rimmer asked.

'Did what work?' Holy replied.

'Did I manage to save myself, is anyone in stasis?' He explained.

'Oh bugger,' Holly replied.