It took two hours to finish the dining room and kitchen and get a decent start on the living room. They worked in silence for a while, until James found a nest of rats behind the television and screamed for about thirty seconds.
"You really don't like those things, do you? No wonder you wouldn't go anywhere near Peter when he first pulled it off," Sirius commented somewhat stiffly, watching James back away like there was no tomorrow. He poured some of the acid James had invented in their last week at Hogwarts on the rats and they immediately began to smoke; one caught fire and the others tried to run, but only got a few steps before they keeled over dead. James stuck his tongue out and grabbed another chicken bone, throwing it in the bag like it too was a rat.
"I'm going to see if that old bat has one of those Muggle things that cleans the carpet," he declared, not realizing how stupid he sounded until it was too late. As soon as he turned, Sirius threw a bone at him and copied James' idiotic grin. "You're really asking for it."
"What am I asking for, exactly? You'll be asking for St. Mungo's when I'm done with you if you don't get your dirty, pathetic mind out of the gutter. Now go get the vacuum!"
"Oh, yeah. Is that what those things are called?" he asked, opening the same door Sirius had earlier and slamming it shut only seconds later. "I think I found it, but I found something else, too."
"Good for you. There's a broom over there you can hit it with. It think that's an acromantula in there, but what I don't understand is how it got in a Muggle's house."
"Who cares? If it bites me, I AM contacting the Ministry!"
"No duh, Prongs. Here's one thing you forgot: an acromantula can eat you in one sitting, so I would have to contact them in order to get you out of it, and I'm having second thoughts about doing ANYTHING like that for you because you're always threatening me. So enjoy your new temporary home and have fun trying to dodge the acid!" Sirius taunted, pretending to throw the burnt rat at James, who scowled in good humor and turned to the next door, nearly having to pry it off of the hinges because there were so many spider webs and other mysterious things that looked suspiciously like porcupine quills holding it in place. When he finally did manage to get it open, he decided that it was the entrance to the cellar. Against his better judgment of a good time, he shut the door quickly and vowed to drag Sirius down there later, more as a precaution than anything else.
"Have you found it yet?" he asked, and James walked around the corner to the next door and found that it was locked.
"No, but she seemed to think that there's something in this room worth hiding. That's probably where it is, she just doesn't want us to have an easy time cleaning this pile of garbage that she calls a house. I'll bet you a bag of Knuts that nobody else on this street knows that she lives here because of the army trench of trash her house is buried in. I wonder how long she's been living like this," James answered, deciding it best not to try Bombarda on the door and get himself expelled.
"Yeah, maybe. Still, however long this place has been like this has been too long!" Sirius replied, pulling a dead lizard out of the green brick fireplace that obviously wasn't supposed to be that color. He added it to the pile of miscellaneous objects in the bag and tied it shut, then threw it out a window he had opened a few hours earlier before they took their two hour break to try to get rid of the smell of the place. "Bloody pack rat, anyway. What would she want with rats, reptiles, and bugs, not to mention whatever that is in the closet?"
"I have no idea, but this place is still disgusting after all of this time. Okay, I'll admit that most of the trash is gone, but there are layers of mold, food, and everything else on the walls and the carpet's a goner, considering how much mystery concoction its met. For instance, that stain over there in that corner that's on the wall, ceiling, and floor looks like blood... Then Mum wonders why she's not married!" Sirius laughed at this discovery and had to admit that he was right; it did look like somebody (or something) had been murdered there.
"Hey, I was wondering, do you think we'd get away with leaving ickle Snapeykins out there in the mound of the unknown? He'd be gone for about a month while he tried to dig his way out and we'd put a memory charm on him as soon as he showed up, just erase enough to make him forget the incident and that he's not a three year old girl," Sirius suggested and the image of Snape doing a pirouette in a frilly, pink ballerina tutu appeared in both of their minds and stalled their work for a few minutes.
"We really should do something like that, you know? Next year when we go to Hogsmeade, let's get a love potion for him and put it in his food, then tell him Evans likes him. That'll avenge us for her turning us in to Morgan for trying to turn Filch's head into a mouse's and getting his stupid cat to chase him." James tried the next door and pulled out a mop and bucket, throwing them into the living room and nearly breaking the ancient television set. "I want to use the vack-um, so you do this." Sirius watched him dig around in the closet and, very surprisingly, come up with a new vacuum that was still in the box.
"No, Prongs, I'll do that because you're going to hurt yourself. Remember the last time you tried to use a Muggle appliance and I was stupid enough to let you do it?" he said as James started shredding the box like his life depended on it. "Maybe next time."
"Oh, come on! You're no fun!" James yelled, pretending to be mortally offended as the memory of him sticking his finger in the toaster about two hours ago and getting electrocuted ran through his mind. "I know not to mess with how it works now."
"So you do, but you'll probably just end up ripping up the carpet and destroying the house. How about you sweep and mop, then I'll show you how to use that thing." James looked confused and began searching the closet again.
"What's a sweep?"
"You really need to take Muggle Studies next year. Okay, you take a broom and..."
"You mean that they take perfectly good brooms and drag them on the floor?!?!" Sirius rolled his eyes and got up, grabbing the broom from James' hand and regretting not looking at the handle; something green and slimy was dripping down it and onto the floor. He looked into the closet and saw that there was a large hole in the ceiling, and through it dark gray clouds.
"This just keeps getting better and better. Do you want to get on the roof?" Sirius asked, wishing that he didn't have to offer such a thing to James Potter, the boy who thought that a Muggle broom could fly. "First you need to get some wood, preferably some that's cut and MEANT to be used in construction. I'll find the hammer and hopefully some nails."
"What? Nails are the sharp little things made of metal, right?" Sirius nodded glumly and started toward the tool shed in the far corner of the backyard while James went searching in the pile of trash closest to the front door. When he came back inside, James had a pile of thick wood that looked like it had been cut by somebody who didn't know how to use a saw.
"This'll work, right? The only wood I found out there was so rotten that it looked like the inside of an orange and smelled like Snape's hair."
"How would you know that? And that will hold as long as there aren't any huge holes and you attach it right. I'd go up there, but I have to see what's wrong with the plumbing system before the rain starts so the house doesn't end up flooded and I don't trust you to work on something that could mean we go surfing out the back door and into a swimming pool of rancid smelling... You understand, right?" Sirius doubted that James would be much help trying to tighten the drains and getting the four broken faucets to work. He already planned to have him clean out the drains if he had a chance, anyway.
"Why don't we just let the water come in here and clean the house for us? We wouldn't have to mop or mess up that perfectly good broom!"
"That wouldn't be a bad idea even if we knew she had flood insurance, she wasn't a psycho, and if she wasn't liable to take your family to court and take every cent you have for destroying her house. Oh, and another thing: that broom couldn't fly if it wanted to. It's just like yours except that it doesn't have any magical properties whatsoever. Now please don't take it up on the roof and try to make it fly like I know you want to." James grinned at this, considering the fact that he had actually planned to do something similar, except he wanted to do it from the top of the couch instead.
"Whatever, Mr. I-Know-Everything-About-Muggles!"
"I don't know everything about Muggles, but I know enough not to stick anything in something I've never seen before!" He handed James the hammer and a sandwich bag full of rusty nails and pointed to the door. "You take this thing and hit those into the wood after you put it on top of the house. Try not to hit anything else because you'll make another hole in the roof since it's probably rotten by now and you'll break your finger."
"Do you think this'll be enough wood?" James asked, walking outside and looking at the roof with a look of dull interest.
"Yeah, you're only covering the holes, not the entire roof. If it doesn't have shingles on it, then cover it because it's going to leak. You'd better hurry or you'll be having fun putting fans everywhere to dry the carpet!" He nodded and put the hammer and nails in his pocket, then started climbing up the vine trelis that was, of course, completely devoid of plants. When he got to the roof, Sirius threw the wood up to him and he started pounding the wood onto the roof, yelling three times before Sirius went back in the house five minutes later.
It took about an hour for James to finish patching the many holes in the termite infested roof and for Sirius to figure out what was wrong with the plumbing in all but one room and repair it. James came back in the house with his shirt soaked with rain and went straight to the kitchen to get the roll of cloth and tape from the first aid kit for his purple finger. It looked like a hurricane outside, with the trees in the backyard swaying viciously in the wind, barely visible through the mass of water and dirt being sprayed on the window of the door.
"That's going to be fun cleaning up," James muttered, opening the refrigerator only to be reminded that there was no food in it. He groaned and reached up into the newly mouse-free cupboard and grabbed a glass, only to find that Sirius hadn't gotten to the kitchen faucet yet. Dark brown water that looked like dirt but smelled otherwise poured into it and James just left it sitting in the sink with disgust. He went back to their bedroom and opened his suitcase, reluctantly taking out his bottle of water and draining the small amount left.
"Are you done yet?" Sirius asked, coming out of the room next to where James was, dripping from head to toe from his encounter with the broken toilet he had been trying to fix.
"Yeah, I think so. I don't see it raining in here, not yet anyway. It looks like somebody decided to make this little rut a swimming pool."
"Maybe, but I'm going to take a break from that mess in there and shovel a hole in the great wall of garbage so we aren't up to our necks in polluted water; if it doesn't have an exit then we'll be swimming with the fishes tonight."
"Do you need me to do anything right now?" James asked, falling over on the floor and acting like he was dead.
"Not really, but you can sweep if you want." He grunted at the thought of using a broom to clean the nasty floor and Sirius laughed. "There's a scrub brush in the kitchen you can use instead of the broom, but it's harder that way. Don't mop yet, though because I'll probably end up tracking in something unpleasant and you'll just have to do it again." James nodded and got to his feet, glancing at the mud covered window.
"I can't believe you're going out there."
"I have to," Sirius replied, opening the closet and pulling out the pair of boots that had the least number of cockroaches in them. "We're doing this after we tackle the floor." James started laughing at the expression, wondering how they would literally do it.
"You can, but I'll just watch you."
"Ha, ha. You're so hilarious. Do you want to go swimming with your little rodent friends out there?" He walked over to the laundry room across the hall and pulled out a rake, since that was all Estrella had. "I didn't think so, so you better shut it. When I go outside, lock the door or you'll have water all over the place. Yes, Prongs, you'll have to let me back in."
"Blah, blah, blah, I know the drill. Why would I let you run around in the rain like an idiot while I clean? How stupid do you think I am?" He unlocked the door and water immediately began leaking through.
"Just one more thing: stay out of the bathroom over there and don't mess with the kitchen. Oh, and don't touch the vacuum." With that Sirius threw open the door and ran outside, almost having to swim to get through the rising water. James locked the door and went over to the window they'd forgotten to close and shut it as fast as possible, watching him through the dirty glass.