Chapter 4: Dragon Tales
(And Nights Aflame)
A Parody By: Anda Faith
Eragon: (Sings) Happy happy birthday! Happy birthday to me! Happy happy birthday! Birthday, yes, for me! Morning Wilson…
Wilson:...
Narrator: So the most annoying alarm clock (coughEragonsingingcough) wakes everyone up in the house. They gather in the kitchen for breakfast…
Eragon: (singing) Sixteen candles! On a-
Roran: (roasting Sloan Pocket over fire, glaring at Eragon) Dude, you really need to shut up, some people like to sleep till noon!
Eragon: Hey! I don't stay up making noises till all hours of the night like someone I know and -(grins) - your Sloan Pocket is burning...
Roran: (eyes widen and he screams, blowing the smoke off the charred Sloan Pocket) It's edible… wait! (gasp) I burned Katrina!
Eragon: (horrified gasp) You did what!? (glares and points finger at him) Murderer!
Roran: (holds up Sloan Pocket) See – there's the face. Her eyes, and her mouth, and her pretty nose. Pretty Katrina! (hugs Sloan Pocket "Katrina") Did you give her my message?
Eragon: (nods) I gave it to Horst.
Roran: (shocked) You told Horst my innermost thoughts of Katrina? How dare you!? That was private!!
Eragon: (grumbles) I'm surprised that all of the Palancar Valley does't hear the noises you make when you 'sleep'….
Narrator: Thusly, breakfast was finished, and they went to tend to the harvest…
Eragon: I like pickles – pickles, pickles, pickles! Yeah! Pickles and dill – yes dill!!! Picking the pickles is what I do! Pickles. Pickles. pickles!
Narrator: We might not want to go into detail on what they harvested, Eragon may be determined to screech about every plant picke-
Eragon: Gourds! Gourds! Lovely, loverly gourds!
Narrator: Would you shut up!?
Roran and Eragon: It's barley time! Every body conga! (Eragon steps on a rake and falls flat on his back)
Roran: (points and laughs)
Narrator: We were lucky to harvest it all before the first frost… actually we didn't harvest it all since Garrow-
Garrow: (foot catches aflame in an act of spontaneous combustion)
Barley Field: (Fire!!!)
A Minute Later….
Barley Field: (Charred and Black)
Narrator: So ends the harvest, nine days later. It was nine days of pure torture, nine days of dancing, nine days of Eragon's prattle – nine days of hell…
Eragon: (excitedly) Caravan a commin'! (jumps up and down) Woohoo!
Narrator: Yes, the caravan had finally reached Carvahall, so they packed up their surplus items and Wilson to trade/sell to the caravan….
Roran: Why do I have to haul the wagon?
Garrow: (pats him on the head) Just think about Katrina and we'll be there in no time… We have to save the horse!
Garrow's eyebrows: (spontaneously combust and fall off)
Garrow: (sigh) I need to find a doctor who specializes in spontaneous combustion….
Eragon: (to Wilson) Now, I know we had a fun time together, but I must sell you. I must! I'm really sorry if you don't want to go.
Wilson: …
Narrator: And so they travel to the village, Roran miles ahead with the wagon and Garrow bringing up the rear. Actually, his rear was on fire...
Garrow: (Running past Roran screaming)
Eragon: (shouts) Stop drop and roll! Duh!
Narrator: Eventually, they made it to town. Carvahall was alive with excitement and danger! Children were running in the street with scissors! Men running next to them with their hedge clippers! Garrow's hair turned into a light show! Brom and his singing!
Brom: (singing) Yooow! I know they slayed my stupid beast! I exacted my revenge! So now I got your sword! And you have met your end!! Oh, yes, I! I will survive! As long as I know how to ride – I know I'll stay alive!
Narrator: (shakes head) I'll almost take 'musings of a pickle' over that… back at the ranc- I mean, back with Garrow and Eragon…
Garrow and Eragon: (knock on the tent flap of the jeweler's tent, then enter)
Tent Flap: (swishes)
Merlock: You rang?
Eragon: Ding! Yes, we did! (smiles widely)
Garrow: (narrows eyes) We have something you might want to look at… (This expression looks very strange because Garrow has no eyebrows or hair)
Eragon: (pulls out Wilson) Companionship! Meet Wil-
Garrow: (slaps hand over Eragon's mouth and whispers) We're thinking of getting him help….
Eragon: (muffled) Eeew! Your hand tastes like a burnt Hawt Pocket!
Merlock: (eyes Wilson) OOOOH! Preeety! Let me see! (grabs Wilson and pokes him with a knife) Not living, eh?
Wilson: (ting)
Merlock: Oh, you're hollow! But I don't think I would buy him – I'm in no need of a companion.
Eragon: Yay! (swipes Wilson out of Merlock's hands and hugs Wilson)
Garrow: (starts the tent on fire)
Narrator: And this chapter ends in a blazing…
Roran and Katrina: (heated embrace)
Narrator: Get the hell away from the burning tent you two! (throws water on them instead of the fire)
Eragon, Garrow, and Merlock: (emerge from the smoking tent flap, slightly burnt)
Garrow: (suffering most of the damage)
Tent: (burnt to the ground)
Narrator: And so this chapter ends… (pours water on fire)
Flames: (hiss)
Roran and Katrina: (still embracing)
Narrator: I said it ends! (douses the 'love birds' with copious amounts of water)
Katrina: Oh, my god! Like - my hair!
Roran: Pretty Katrina hair!