"So J, where's the bargaining chip?" asked Two-Face. "Is it here?"
They were seated in a very fancy restaurant, and Two-Face wasn't exactly comfortable being seen here with the Joker. It was the kinda place you took expensive dates to, and most of the other people here were indeed couples who studied them curiously as Two-Face sipped his drink, and watched Joker devouring a plate of oysters with a napkin tied around his neck.
"It's coming later, Harvey," chuckled Joker. "And it's not the only thing!"
"What are you talking about?" asked Two-Face.
Joker checked his watch. "I'm gonna need to see you again in about five hours, Harvey," he said. "So why doncha go hang out at some bars, maybe take home a date, and meet me back here then?"
"This place will be closed in five hours," said Two-Face.
"Yeah. So? You ain't ever broken into a joint before?" asked Joker. "Call yourself a criminal," he said, shaking his head sadly. "Hey, garcon, can I get another plate of oysters over here?"
The waiter obeyed. "And perhaps sir would like something to drink?" he asked. "We have wine…"
"Nope, no alcohol, thanks, garcon," said Joker. "Can you just make me some herbal tea, with vanilla and ginseng?"
"Um…we don't have the facilites to make tea…" began the waiter.
"Ya need me to go back there and teach ya how to boil water, kid?" demanded Joker, rounding on him. "Because if you do, I guarantee half of it's going in your eye."
"No…Mr. Joker, sir, we'll…cope," stammered the waiter, hurrying off.
"Since when have you started drinking tea?" demanded Two-Face. "Bit girly for you, isn't it? Did the whole you being in love with Batman thing today turn you fruity?"
Joker chuckled. "On the contrary, Harvey," he said, smiling. "It's sharpened my appetite for the female body."
Two-Face suddenly put it all together. "You're gonna get laid?" he asked. "How is that gonna help anything? And how is that gonna get us our bargaining chip?"
"All will be revealed in time, Harv," said Joker, smiling. "You just enjoy your evening. I know I'll enjoy mine. And hey, pick up the check for this, would ya? Thanks, you're a pal," he said, standing up and leaving the room, clapping Two-Face on the back.
Two-Face stared after him as the waiter returned. "Um…he ordered tea?" he asked.
Two-Face sighed. "I'll take it. And then I'll tell Pammie I drank some of her babies. That'll show the bitch," he muttered, scowling.
…
"Harley, Ivy, I bought champagne!" exclaimed Steven, entering Ivy and Harley's hotel room and holding up a bottle. "Because this case is as good as won!"
"Did you see J's face?" giggled Ivy, throwing her arms around Steven's neck and kissing him. "Oh, that whole Batman thing was an added bonus! And he abused you right there in court, Harley! There's no way they can win now! And it's all thanks to you, Steven!" she sighed, kissing him again.
"No, it's all thanks to Harley," said Steven, pouring three glasses of champagne and handing Harley one with a grateful nod. "This is big, Ivy, I mean, this is really big! Have you seen how the papers are going nuts over this? I'm swamped with work! Everyone wants to hire me!"
"I'm not surprised – you beat the former DA," said Ivy, smiling. "You should run for it yourself now."
"I think my relationship with you would prevent me from winning," said Steven, kissing her. "Nobody wants a DA who's sleeping with a criminal, do they?"
"I do," murmured Ivy, grinning as she seized him by the tie and devoured his mouth.
Harley had slowly put down the champagne glass and was inching toward the door. "Where are you going, Harley?" asked Steven suddenly, drawing away from Ivy.
"Oh…just…y'know," stammered Harley. "Out for a walk…around the block."
"You really should stay here," said Steven. "The Joker's probably pretty angry at you. He might attempt an attack on your life if you go out alone."
"Oh, well…I'm sure I can handle him," said Harley, slowly. "Anyway, I should leave you two alone to enjoy your night. Y'know…celebrate in style," she said, smiling.
"Harley…"
"Oh, let her go, Steven," interrupted Ivy. "Just be sure to get some rest for tomorrow, won't you, Harley?" she asked. "So you can look good for our victory? You don't wanna look tired for all those pictures in the paper."
"Sure thing, Red," said Harley. "Night, you two."
She left the hotel and made her away across town to the Joker's.
"Mr. J?" whispered Harley, pushing open the door to his room.
"Come in, Harley," murmured Joker. He was seated in the shadows, smoking a cigar and smiling at her.
"I'm really not meant to be speaking to you like this," said Harley, entering the room and shutting the door behind her.
"But when Daddy says come, you come," he murmured, grinning.
Harley shivered in excitement at his tone, but tried not to let her face show it. "What did you want to see me about?" she asked.
Joker inhaled from the cigar, and then tapped the ashes into a tray. "I want you to drop this lawsuit, baby," he murmured. "I don't like airing our dirty laundry in public like this. Not when we could just make some more laundry dirty, if you know what I'm saying."
"Oh…Mr. J," gasped Harley, shivering again. Then she cleared her throat. "But…no. No. Red said I have to see this through to the end. She says it's the only way you're gonna respect me in the future."
"You don't want respect from me, Harley," murmured Joker, putting down his cigar in the ashtray. "And you don't deserve respect. But you do deserve a nice, hard spanking from Daddy for all this foolishness, and you want that too, don't you, you dirty little slut?"
"Mr. J…you shouldn't talk to me like that," whispered Harley. "You know what it does to me…"
"What does it do to you, baby?" he murmured, coming over to her and taking her in his arms. "Tell Daddy."
"It makes me wanna…oh, Mr. J," she whispered as he brought his mouth down toward hers. He enveloped it, and she let out a little moan of pleasure, throwing her arms around his neck and pressing him hard against her.
"Oh…oh, Mr. J, no!" gasped Harley as he shoved her down on the bed. "I can't…I gotta be good…Red says I gotta be…oh! Oh, puddin'!" she gasped, as he began undressing her. "Oh, puddin', yes! Oh God, I've missed you so much!"
"I've missed you too, my scrumptious little cupcake," Joker murmured. "And tonight I wanna make up for all the lost time we've wasted. I wanna do everything, and I wanna do it rough."
"Everything?" gasped Harley, excitedly. "Oh, Mr. J, you bad boy!" she cried, tearing at his clothes. She grinned at him. "Ok, then, puddin'," she breathed. "Hit me. Hard."
Joker grinned back. "My pleasure, pooh," he murmured, raising his hand. He looked up to check that the little red light was still blinking over the bed, smiled, and brought his hand down.
…
"Harvey?"
Two-Face looked up to see the Joker appearing from the shadows, holding up a tape. "Daddy J's got his bargaining chip," he murmured, grinning.