Thank you so much to Mackenzie L for the beta work and to kr2009 and texasunshine for pre-reading. And thank you to anhanninen and trepiditiousmusings for general hand-holding and for being excited even though I warned them about this chapter.

This chapter is dedicated to alexa-hallywell because if Tattlisle had a fan club she would be its president.

Standard warnings apply, but this chapter also does contains mild hard drug use.

I'm going to go hide somewhere now.

Disclaimer: All characters belong to their respective owners. The author of this story in no way profits from its use or distribution.

May 15, 2003

Columbus, OH

"When you were a kid what did you want to be when you grew up?"

I brushed my fingertips across Esme's cheek, sweeping her hair back from her face. She was staring absentmindedly at the stars from her spot on the ground with her head in my lap. I could tell she was fighting the urge to yawn, and I would have to get her home soon, but I couldn't stand to leave. I didn't want to share her.

It was bad enough that I knew she wasn't really mine.

"I've never really thought about it," I told her, before taking a drink of my beer.

She looked thoughtful for a moment before responding. "I think you would make a good teacher."

I choked on my beer.

"Teach? Esme, are you sure you're talking about me?"

She laughed and rubbed my arm where it lay across her chest. "Of course I'm talking about you. I think it's a good fit."

"How do you figure that?"

"Do you even realize how smart you are?" she asked.

"I don't exactly connect with children, Es," I pointed out.

She rolled her eyes. "I'm not telling you to teach kindergarten. You could be a college professor."

I leaned forward and kissed her. "It sounds like you've spent a lot of time thinking about my future."

"I worry about you, Carlisle."

"Baby, why would you worry about me?"

She glanced around and then waved her arm at our surroundings. "In case you haven't noticed, it's two in the morning. We're on a blanket in the middle of the country and there are beer bottles everywhere."

"Ah, but not all of those were ours," I pointed out.

She sat up and moved so she was straddling my lap, then leaned forward and kissed me gently. I knew she didn't have the same idea as I did, but I couldn't help but wrap my arms around her waist, pulling her closer.

"I love being with you, Carlisle. I don't want to see anything happen to you. I know I'm not innocent in any of this, and I'm not trying to sound patronizing. I just think you're so smart, baby, and I hate to see you waste it."

"I see," I said, nodding. "Knowledge comes, but wisdom lingers,"I whispered against her throat.

I felt her smile against my temple as her hand ran through my hair. "You just proved my point."

I pulled back and looked at her seriously.

"I'm not wasting anything, Es. And you're right you're not innocent in any of this," I said, pulling the rolling papers out of her back pocket. "You party just as hard as I do."

She tilted her head and smiled. "Okay, I had that coming. We're fucked up, baby."

I nodded, laying back and rolling us over so she was caged beneath me in my arms. "We really are," I agreed, leaning forward to kiss her again as her arms came up around my shoulders.

September 30, 2007

Seattle, WA

"Hi."

My head snapped up at the sound of a voice hovering above me. I had only been sitting there for five minutes and was already falling asleep. Perfect way to make a good impression on the first day of college.

When my eyes focused to the light I saw a girl in front of me. She squeezed through the space in front of my desk and took the one next to mine.

She was nice looking. She looked young, but then again I wasn't the standard eighteen-year-old freshman. She probably was.

Even though she was pretty hot she didn't look a thing like Esme. Her hair was blond and she was taller. Her chest looked fake, but still great.

She grinned when she caught me staring.

"I'm Kate," she said.

I cleared my throat. "I'm Carlisle."

"Carlisle? That's an interesting name."

"Yeah. It was my grandfather's."

"That's cool," she said. "So what's your major?"

"Huh?" I looked up from where I had been sketching stick figures on my notebook. "Oh, it's Literature."

Her eyes widened and she smiled. "Wow, that's awesome!"

"Yeah," I agreed, not really sure what was so awesome about it. I liked to read. It made sense to me to major in it.

"So where did you go to high school?" she asked.

"I'm not from Seattle. My girlfriend and I moved out here from Ohio."

Her face fell. "Oh… Well, that's cool."

"Yeah," I replied, not knowing what to say.

"So, how long have you and your girlfriend been together?"

"A few years," I replied. "Since our sophomore year."

"And you decided to go to college together?"

I laughed. "No, it wasn't like that. Uh, we just decided to move out here one day out of the blue." I didn't feel the need to tell the whole story to a total stranger. I hoped she wouldn't push it.

She looked confused. "How old are you?"

"Twenty," I said.

She smiled again, and leaned forward a little. Her tits were about to fall out of her shirt. I was sure she thought that shit was subtle.

The professor walked in before she could say anything. The lecture was long, but I tried to pay attention. Esme was the one who was excited about this. I was just along for the ride. I had to admit it would be nice to explore the books I had always read a little deeper, but I wasn't looking forward to the other classes I had to take.

The day we registered Esme was practically bouncing while we waited in line. I smiled, thinking about how much she loved all this. I had been promoted at the grocery store a month ago to a lead position in receiving. The increase in pay meant Esme could cut back her hours at the shelter and we could both go to school.

We got a good amount of financial aid and my dad had even chipped in. The day we registered, Esme was so excited she went all out and bought a bunch of school sweatshirts, and pens, and notebooks, and I was pretty sure there were more damn index cards in my apartment than I would ever use, but I wasn't about to argue against whatever made her happy.

The professor rambled for what felt like hours. All he really did was talk about the syllabus and explain what we would be learning. I was sure I could have figured all that out for myself.

I was relieved when class finally ended. I couldn't wait to get home and take a nap with my girl.

"That was interesting," Kate said. I was gathering my stuff and didn't look up but I hummed in agreement.

When I finally straightened I noticed she was watching me, biting her lip and looking nervous.

"Hey, so I don't know if it's really your thing, but there's a party this weekend close to campus. Wanna come?"

"I don't know," I replied, rubbing the back of my neck nervously. Esme wouldn't like it at all if I said yes. "I have to work, and I don't think my girlfriend would like it."

"Oh come on," she said. "Have a little fun. That's what college is all about."

I didn't feel like explaining to her that it wasn't about that for me. I was there to make myself a better person for Esme.

"Let me see your phone," she continued when I didn't respond.

I warily took it out and handed it to her. I assumed she was programming her number in, and was proven right when she handed it back with a grin, brushing her fingers over my hand before picking up her bag.

"I'll see you next class," she said. "Let me know if you change your mind."

I walked out of class, shaking my head, and made my way to the Jeep. I drove the short distance to the apartment, wondering what the fuck to do. I hadn't just hung out and partied in so long and honestly I missed it. Our lives were boring compared to what they used to be. I knew Esme was content, but I was getting restless.

I knew it would piss her off, though, if I said yes. Esme wasn't the jealous type, but going to a party that another girl had invited me to would make any guy's girlfriend angry.

I walked in to find her baking something in the kitchen.

"Hey, babe," she said. "How was your first class?"

"It was good," I told her. "Boring as fuck, but that's okay."

"Carlisle," she reprimanded. "Don't be so negative. The first day is always boring. It'll get better."

"I just don't see why I have to take all these classes that have nothing to do with literature."

She pulled a pan of cupcakes out of the oven and started mixing a bowl of what was probably frosting but just looked like a yellow mess to me.

"They want you to be a well-rounded individual," she said as she picked up a cupcake and started frosting it.

She looked so sexy in her tiny shorts and tank top, making cupcakes. I stepped up behind her and rubbed her shoulders, dropping my voice to whisper in her ear.

"But why do I need to be a well-rounded individual when you're already so well-rounded?" I moved my hands around from her back to cup her breasts.

She moaned softly before swatting at my hands. "Carlisle, I'm making cupcakes."

"I see that."

I reached out and scooped some frosting out of the bowl and onto my finger, bringing it up to her mouth. She grinned before taking my finger into her mouth and swirling her tongue around it, licking off all the icing.

I kissed a path from her shoulder up to her ear while running my free hand under her shirt and over the smooth skin of her abdomen.

"Carlisle," she gasped. "I need to get the cupcakes out."

"No you don't," I said before sucking her earlobe between my teeth. She gripped the counter with both hands as I pulled her against me.

"Do you want to burn the kitchen down?" she asked through gritted teeth.

"I don't care," I whispered against her neck.

"It's the last batch," she said. "Then you can help me frost them." She turned and kissed me, cupping my cheek before pulling back.

I reluctantly let her go, but I didn't let her get far. As soon as she turned off the oven and moved the cupcakes to the cooling rack, I had her back in my arms. I kissed her hard and lifted her off her feet. Her legs automatically circled my waist so that I could sit her down on the counter, never breaking the kiss.

I could hear the clatter of dishes and utensils that hadn't been put away yet, but I didn't care. I used my free hand to sweep away them out of the way so I could lay her back against the counter. I pulled her tank top over her head and tossed it over the bar, into the living room. She laughed as I placed my hand over her stomach motioning for her to lie back.

I grinned as I gathered more icing from the bowl onto my finger.

"Carlisle, what are you doing? You're going to waste all my icing."

"Shh," I soothed. "You can always make more."

She laughed, but let me continue.

I placed my finger on her exposed skin, the cold icing making her shiver. Her legs gripped my waist tighter when she realized what I was going to do.

I carefully began moving my finger, looping it over her skin, spelling out her name. She propped herself up on her elbows to watch me, biting the corner of her lip while she smiled. When I finished I brought my finger to her lips again and watched her tongue lick off the remaining icing.

I leaned forward and slowly licked the icing off her stomach, following the path of each letter. She moaned and tossed her head back, the sound causing me to push my hips into her.

"Carlisle," she gasped as I left a trail of kisses over the spot where the icing had been.

I smirked and straightened up, placing my hands on each of her knees and sliding them up her thighs to pull her shorts down. She removed her legs from my waist so I could slide them off and toss them into the living room where her shirt was.

"When did you get this?" I asked, running my finger over the top of the black lace thong I was certain I had never seen before.

"A few days ago after work," she replied. "It matched the bra."

"You're so sexy, babe. Do you even realize how perfect you are?"

She bit her lip again and covered my hand with hers. She pushed it lower so the tip of my finger now rested against her clit.

"Show me," she whispered.

That was all the encouragement I needed. It took no time at all to remove my own clothing, move her thong to the side, and slide inside her.

"Oh God, babe," she groaned, collapsing back against the counter.

Her eyes closed and she smiled when I began to move. My nails dug into her hips as she met every thrust with one of her own. I didn't know how long we stayed like that, but it didn't matter. I could have spent years loving my Esme.

"Harder," she murmured.

I picked up my pace, slamming into her, loving the sight of her spread out over the counter. I didn't know if I could hold much longer. When she moved her legs up to wrap them around my neck, I knew I would finish first. I hated it, but there was no way to avoid it now. I was too close.

She ran her hands over my arm and picked up my hand where it held her shoulder. She placed a kiss on my palm.

"I love you," she breathed.

I thrust even harder, unable to wait any longer, and came hard. Esme's back arched off the counter as I came down from my high. I pulled out slowly and moved my hand from her hip to rub slow circles over her clit.

She laughed softly as I dropped to my knees and kissed my way up her leg. She moaned when I came up between her legs and leaned in to taste her. One of her hands wound into my hair, holding me there. It wasn't long before her moans turned into a scream and her back arched off the counter again as her legs trembled on my shoulders.

I pulled her into my arms and set her on the floor, keeping a tight hold on her while she recovered.

"That was a nice surprise," she said, reaching up to kiss me.

"So were the cupcakes," I joked as I pulled my clothes back on and grabbed one before heading to the living room.

I sat down and turned on the TV, while Esme finished frosting the cupcakes. She brought me another one when she finished, along with one for herself. I slid my arm over her shoulder when she curled into my side, still wearing nothing but her bra and panties. I still wasn't sure what to think of my first day of class and Kate's invitation, but for now it didn't matter. I was content to spend the afternoon on the couch with my Esme. I would worry about everything else later.

Two days later I walked into class five minutes late. It was raining and I had to park on the far side of campus and walk the long way to the English building.

Great second impression.

"Hey," Kate whispered when I slid into my seat.

"Hi."

"You never called." She sounded hurt.

"Oh, yeah," I replied, again not knowing how to respond to her.

"So did you think about the party?"

I sighed and rubbed my hand down my face. "Yeah," I said. "I'll swing by for a little while."

I knew Esme was going to kill me, but I had no intention of telling her yet. I needed a night of not having to worry about our bills, and school, and work. I was stressed and needed to unwind. In the past Esme would have been right there with me, but she had changed a lot since we moved to Seattle, and I knew better than to think she would be interested in going. And I sure as fuck knew she wouldn't want me to go.

"Great!" Kate said. "You can bring your girlfriend if you want."

The fact that she mentioned Esme as an afterthought pissed me off, but since I wasn't planning on telling her anyway, I let it go.

"It wouldn't really be her thing."

"Well, I'm so glad you're coming."

I nodded and pulled out my notebook, making it obvious I wanted to pay attention to the professor. I really wasn't up for anymore awkward conversation.

On Friday night I told Esme that a kid at the store had an emergency and needed someone to cover his shift so I was staying late.

I hated that I lied to her, but I was looking forward to a night of freedom too much to let it bother me.

I went straight to the house where the party was after I left work. It was only two blocks over from the apartment complex so I knew if I needed to I could leave the car and walk home. I knew I wouldn't get that fucked up, though.

I couldn't go home to Esme looking like I had just been partying.

"There you are!" I heard a shrill voice call out. I turned to see Kate stumbling down the steps toward me. She was already completely wasted.

"Uh, hey," I said.

She grabbed my hand. "Come on, Carlisle. Let's get you a drink."

I shrugged and let her lead me to the kitchen. One drink wouldn't hurt.

She handed me a plastic cup with a beer in it and we walked over to the table where some guys playing beer pong. I watched for a while and even played two games. The more beer I had the more I realized how fucking stupid I was acting, but it didn't even matter anymore.

I wanted to party.

"You want some?" she asked, pulling out a bag of white powder and cutting it on the table.

"Whoa!" I said. "I wouldn't have thought this was your thing."

She grinned and winked. "I'm full of surprises."

It had been a long time since I had done coke. Not since we still lived in Columbus. I did one line, thinking it couldn't hurt since I was already drunk, and sat back in my chair.

Kate moved into my lap while she finished what was on the table. I was so out of it I hardly realized what was going on anymore.

"I like your tats," she said, rubbing my arm. She started to lean forward when a sharp voice cut through the fog in my head.

"Carlisle!"

I stood up suddenly, not even noticing that Kate fell off my lap. I swayed when I turned around, but two large arms caught me, and I thought a tiny hand slapped my face, but I couldn't be sure.

I barely noticed when whoever was holding me dragged me outside and down the sidewalk. I tried to fight the dude off, but his grip was tight.

"You're going home, Carlisle. And you're going to explain to Esme exactly what you've been doing all night."

Her name cut like a knife through the haze of alcohol. Esme. Fuck, I was screwed.

I fought harder, struggling to get away. I couldn't face her like this.

"No, Carlisle. You need to go home."

I vaguely noticed myself being helped up a flight of stairs, a weird clicking sound coming from somewhere behind me. I cringed when I heard banging on a door, and I shut my eyes when it opened, the light blinding me.

I was dropped onto the couch and could hear the sound of two female voices whispering from somewhere nearby, before the door closed with a bang.

I assumed I was home, meaning it was Esme who was banging around in the kitchen, the loud sounds of cabinet doors being slammed making my head hurt even more. My high was already coming down, but I was more messed up than I had been in a long time, and it hurt like a motherfucker.

"Sit up," she said in a harsh voice, kicking the side of the couch.

I moved as much as I could. I guessed it was good enough because she shoved a bottle into my hand.

"Drink," she said.

"Esme, I'm sorry…" I began, the words slurring together.

"Don't," she cut me off. "I don't want to hear it. Drink the Gatorade. You need to sober up right now."

I took a sip and set the bottle down.

"Drink it all, Carlisle. I won't wait forever."

I felt the couch shift, and heard more banging in the kitchen a minute later. She came back and shoved a banana into my hand.

"Eat it."

I sat in silence and ate and drank. Every minute I could feel more and more coming back to me from the night. I remembered the party, and Kate, and the coke. I vaguely remembered someone bringing me home but I was afraid to ask who.

I looked up slowly to see Esme sitting in the chair on the other side of the room. She was in a long t-shirt and had her glasses on. She had clearly been woken up by whoever brought me home. Her legs were crossed and she was bouncing her foot against the leg of the chair with her arms crossed over her chest.

She was definitely pissed.

"Jasper says you were at a party."

Oh, shit. I had never even seen them there. If he was there and had Alice with him, that explained the clicking on the stairs, and the voice whispering with Esme. Alice never missed anything. She had eyes like a damn hawk. She probably saw Kate on my lap, and I knew she would tell Esme about that.

"You lied to me, Carlisle," she continued. "I don't even want to think about what could have happened if Jasper hadn't found you."

Her voice was clipped and had a hard edge. I wasn't getting out of this easily. I took another sip of coffee before responding.

"I told you I was so-"

"I don't want your apology, Carlisle." She got up and turned off the kitchen light before turning to face me again. "You can sleep where you are. I don't want you in my bed." And with that she turned and walked down the hall, shutting the bedroom door.

The next morning Esme hardly said two words to me. Actually there were three words: Get off me, when I tried to hug her good morning.

I drank two whole pots of coffee and took several Tylenol. Eventually my hangover went away and I could see exactly how stupid I had been. Esme still wouldn't speak to me so I had no idea if she knew about Kate or not, but the fact that I had lied to her and gone to a party when I said I was working was enough.

I worked that afternoon and evening, and by the time I got home, Esme was already in our room with the door locked.

The next day was exactly the same, minus the hangover. I wasn't sure how long Esme was going to ignore me, but I was starting to get annoyed. If she would just give me two minutes, all I wanted to do was apologize. I knew I had hurt her, and I knew I had done it consciously. I wasn't trying to justify my actions – I knew I didn't deserve that.

All I wanted to do was tell her I was sorry and that I loved her. That night I brought her roses when I came home from work. I expected her to throw them out, but all she did was look at them for a minute before walking away.

That night I didn't assume I might be able to sleep in our bed. I pulled out the sleeper sofa and got between the blankets while she was still washing the dishes. She gave me a sad smile before turning out the light and going to the bedroom.

I laid there for a long time thinking about how badly I had fucked up. I didn't think I would ever be able to make it up to her. Looking back on that night I could see now how worried and scared she was, even above her anger.

I had never done anything like that. Sure, I had a long history of partying, but so did she. I had never gone behind her back and lied to her about it, though.

I had begun to feel restless in my life and acted out, but now I was paying for it.

And nothingwas worth Esme being disappointed in me.

I fell into a restless sleep, only to be woken several hours later by a sudden pressure on the side of the sleeper.

I opened my eyes and blinked a few times, before realizing Esme's head was buried in chest and she was clutching my shirt.

I tentatively rubbed her back, hoping like hell she was really there and I wasn't dreaming.

I kissed the top of her head, running my fingers through her hair. "I love you, Esme," I whispered.

Her head snapped up and she smiled softly, stroking my face. "I know you do, Carlisle. I know you do."

"I'm so sorry, sweetheart. I hate what I did to you. I was so stupid. I can't believe what a stupid fuck up I was."

"Carlisle, stop," she said, sighing deeply. "Let me speak. Then you can say whatever you need to."

She sat up, facing me, and crossed her legs. She took my hand and held it between hers in her lap.

"Baby, I know you're sorry. I knew it that night, but I was too angry to accept it then. I'm still angry. I cannot believe you would lie to me like that, Carlisle. That night…" she shivered. "I almost threw you out. It was hard not to let my anger get the best of me. Alice told me… She told me how much beer you had and that you had snorted a line, and a girl was trying to take advantage of your condition."

Good, I thought. Alice didn't realize I knew Kate outside of the party.

She took a deep breath before continuing. "I only want to know one thing from you," she said. "Why did you feel the need to hide this from me?"

I shook my head. "I don't know, baby. I swear, I was so stupid. I shouldn't have lied to you-"

"You're damn right you shouldn't have," she interrupted.

Her words cut straight through me. Esme rarely ever cursed. It only happened when she was injured or in bed. It was one of my favorite things about her. She was so fucking classy. Even a word like 'damn' was not normal for her. She was obviously still angry with me.

"I have no excuse, Esme. I won't make one up. I fucked up, and I'm paying for it now. I hatedisappointing you, baby; you have to know that."

She nodded.

"I do know that. That's why I don't understand. Who even invited you?"

I rubbed my face with my hands, trying to wake myself up more.

"A girl in one of my classes told me about it." She raised her eyebrows but stayed silent. "I felt like I wanted to really do the college thing, I guess. Babe, we used to do this all the time. I missed it."

"Is that how you want to live your life, Carlisle? It was one thing when we were in high school, but I thought we were going to school now to grow up and actually become something. Not to waste our lives partying."

I sighed. "I know, Esme. I know." I really didn't have anything else to say. Two days of the cold shoulder from the only person I loved had worn me down. I was tired.

"Can you accept my apology?" I asked.

She looked down and was silent for a minute. "I accept your apology, but I need you to understand how deeply you hurt me. What do I have if I can't trust you, Carlisle?"

"I don't know how many times I can tell you I'm sorry and that I messed up and that I hate myself for it before-"

"Baby, stop." She placed her hand on my chest.

"I didn't mean to sound like I was accusing you." She stretched out beside me and placed her head on my chest. "I'm sorry for sounding that way. I accept your apology. Can you accept mine, and promise never to lie to me again?"

I smiled. "Yes, beautiful."

"Are you ready to come back to the bed?"

I laughed. "God, yes. Why did we ever buy a sleeper? I hate this couch."

She smiled and took my hand and led me down the hall to the bedroom. I had made such a huge mistake and knew I still owed her so much more than a verbal apology, but for now all I wanted was to crawl into our bed and hold her for the rest of the night.

Don't hurt me, please! I know that wasn't easy, but this is a high drama story. I'm considering writing an outtake of the last part of this chapter from Esme's POV, so let me know if you would like to see that.