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Chapter 3:

Bitter Bile

I went to my office after leaving McGonagall's. I figured I could always unpack after the feast or even in the morning. The hours slowly ticked away, but it wasn't the dull, boring sort of slow. I had plenty of work to occupy me. I was actually surprised that the hours didn't pass quickly because I had so much work. The benefits of working efficiently, I suppose.

I paused briefly around two for a tuna fish sandwich. My inner feline was very pleased at Glacier Peake with all the fish that was made readily available to guests. By four o'clock I was feeling fairly pleased with my progress. I had my lessons planned out for my first two days; I could sort the rest out over the weekend. My first class of the year would be a simple and pleasant one, with first year Gryffindors and Ravenclaws.

I was on my way back to my room to shower and get ready for the feast when McGonagall's Patronus came up to me.

The silver tabby said, "The Express has been delayed. It will arrive in Hogsmeade by five thirty."

The Patronus dissipated and I quickly sought out McGonagall for an explanation. She was in her office still.

"What's happened?"

"The students are fine," she said quickly. "Dementors stopped the train to search for Black."

"Dementors boarded the train? What about Jonathan? Harry?"

"Jonathan is fine," she answered.

"And Harry?"

"Harry took…ill, but he's fine now. I'm sure," she said quickly. "Our newest Professor acted swiftly."

"Our new…of course he did."

"The children are fine, Katherine. They will just be a little late. I suggest you return to your room and try to relax."

Right, relax, because all mothers were capable of relaxing when their child was potentially threatened by Dementors. I left McGonagall's office feeling agitated and ill at ease. I returned to my room as suggested and showered, but I was unable to relax. Fortunately, the hour and a half passed quickly.

I stood in the entrance hall dressed in my school robes as the students began filing in. A few of them paused their conversations concerning the Dementors to greet me as they passed. I did my best to smile and greet them back. At last I saw the group of friends arrive.

"Jonathan! Harry!" I placed a hand to each of their faces and kissed the tops of their heads. Jonathan immediately pulled back and tried to wipe the kiss away; Harry was more discreet about it.

"Are you both alright?" I asked.

"Yes, Mum," Jonathan replied, still brushing away the kiss and looking around to see if any of his friends had noticed it.

"Harry?"

"I'm fine, Professor Porter. You didn't have to worry about me."

"I'm afraid a mother never stops worrying about her children, Harry, even if they aren't really her children."

Harry smiled.

"Speaking of mothering kids that aren't our own, Professor McGonagall would like to see you and Miss Granger in her office immediately." Harry looked surprised, but Hermione seemed to be expecting it. "And Harry, I'm afraid she's going to mother you some more. It's best to just go with it."

As Ron proceeded on to the Great Hall, I turned my attention back to Jonathan. He removed the hand I still had to his cheek.

"Jonathan..."

"I'm fine, Mum," he said sharply. I sighed and closed my eyes. "Really," he added in a softer tone. "The new Professor was in our compartment. He was a bit brilliant back there."

"I would have thought it was more than a 'bit' brilliant."

His voice was instantly recognizable, even after nearly fifteen years. It sent a shockwave through me. As our eyes met my breath caught in my throat and time froze. You know how they say your life is supposed to flash before your eyes when you die? Well, I've nearly died, a few times, and that never happened. But it happened then. Every memory I had of him, the good and the bad, raced through my mind in the span of a single heartbeat.

He held his hand out towards me. His lips moved but with the roaring in my ears I couldn't hear a thing. Somehow it didn't matter; I knew what he was saying.

Remus Lupin.

I stood motionless. I was paralyzed by memories, from the first time he held out his hand to me to every time I held it thereafter. I couldn't speak. I couldn't breathe. Suddenly a sharp nudge interrupted my thoughts.

"Mum…" Jonathan said. His eyes flashed between me and Remus.

I quickly took his hand and smiled. "Kat…Katherine Porter. Sorry. I must be a bit dazed from the news of the Dementor attack still."

"I think she could use some of your chocolate, Professor Lupin," Jonathan said.

Remus began patting the pockets of his robes, looking for more chocolate.

"No!" I said a bit hastily. His eyebrows rose in question. "No…I mean, that's all right. I have a whole chocolate cake waiting for me at the end of the feast. Perk of being a teacher: we get to submit our favorite deserts every year.

"Oh! And speaking of the feast, Jonathan, you should get in there. You wouldn't want to miss anything." I began to nervously fiddle with his hair and he had to pull back.

"I think I'm good, Mum. The first years haven't arrived for the sorting yet."

"Well, I think I hear them coming. Best get moving then." I tried pulling him in for another kiss on the head, but again he pulled back.

"Not again, Mum, please. Someone might see."

"Perk of being of a mother!" I began as he walked away, "eternal humiliation of the child!" My eyes followed him into the Great Hall, so I didn't notice Remus walk up beside me.

"He seems like a good kind," he said. I gave a little start before looking over at him.

"He is… Most of the time…when he's not getting into trouble with the Weasley twins," I explained. Remus smiled and I felt a pang in my chest.

Fortunately, Flitwick chose that moment to arrive with the first years. I excused myself and entered the Great Hall for the feast.

XXX

30 January 1979

I flushed the contents of my now empty stomach down the loo and sat with my back against the cool wall. I hated feeling like I had no control over my own body. I breathed in deep and slow and tried to push aside the nausea that threatened to take hold again. When would this be over?

There was a gentle knock on the door followed by the concerned voice of Lily.

"Kate?"

"I'm…ug—fine." I called back, nearly choking on a gag. I pinched my eyes shut, desperately fighting the urge.

"Are you sure, Kate? I…I'm coming in."

"No! No…please don't, I…"

Too late the door was opening and I lost my battle. I quickly resumed my previous post over the toilet.

"Merlin's beard, Kate." Lily rushed over to my side. She held my hair back for me waited for the spell to pass. When I was able to pull back and lean against the wall again, she summoned a cup and filled it with water from the tap. I drank it carefully.

"Do you want me to go get Remus?"

"No," I whispered as I grabbed her sleeve. "Stay."

I could tell she looked uncertain, but she settled in next to me on the floor. She wrapped her arm around me as I gingerly laid my head on her shoulder. We didn't talk; we sat in a calm silence, a rarity in the war. Beyond the bathroom door we could hear the muffled laughs of the guys. James and Sirius could find the humor in any situation. As I sat with Lily, I couldn't help but think that it was nice to not feel so alone for a change.

After several minutes of silence, I finally felt stable enough to talk and move. I sat up slowly.

"Sorry for ruining your birthday," I said.

"You haven't ruined anything, Kate," she said.

Really? Lately, I felt like everything was being ruined and falling apart.

I tried pushing myself off the floor. Lily quickly jumped to her feet and helped me. I mumbled my thanks and stumbled to the sink to wash up.

"Why didn't you tell me you were sick, Kate? We could have rescheduled."

"It wouldn't have made a difference. I would have been sick then too."

"Have you been getting sick often?" she asked, looking concerned.

"In a manner of speaking," I said softly.

"Kate?"

I sighed. So much for keeping things to myself. I'd have to let her know now. Otherwise she'd think I was ill, like Mum and Dad had been before they died. I reached for the towel before turning to face my best friend.

"I'm not sick, Lily."

I eyed her carefully, willing her to piece it together on her own. I really didn't want to say it aloud. Lily was bright; I knew if she thought about it she would figure it out without my having to tell her. Slowly her eyes widened. There it was.

"Ohmigod! Kate, are you p…."

"Shh! Don't say it…please." I nearly chocked on a silent sob. Saying it out loud meant it was true.

Lily clapped her hands over her mouth and smiled. She let out a silent squeal before she threw her arms around me. Her excitement was contagious, and I felt myself giving the tiniest of smiles…before the depression seeped back in.

"Oh! This is so exciting! You must be thrilled! Why didn't the two of you tell us? We could have celebrated together! I'm so happy for you! I'm so happy for me! I can't believe I'm going to be an Aunt!"

I sobbed quietly into Lily's shoulder.

"I can't believe you didn't tell me sooner. Why didn't you tell me?" she asked again as she pulled back to arm's length. I was free to wipe away my tears.

"I haven't told anyone, Lily," I explained. "Believe me, you would have been the first…or perhaps the second. Definitely among the top three; you know how James gets when he's not the first to know something." My tone was far from enthusiastic and Lily picked up on it straight away.

"Kate? Why do you not sound as happy about this as I am?"

"Because…I was hoping I was wrong, but that is looking less and less likely with each day," I said with a sob.

"Aww. Kate, what's wrong?" Lily asked, turning sympathetic.

"I don't know….Everything… Remus and I aren't in the same place we were a year ago. We're not even in the same place we were six months ago! Do you know when we were last intimate? Let's see…Merlin! I can't even remember….Has it really been that long? I'm guessing about two months…when this happened!

"That's complete shite isn't' it? There once was a time where we couldn't keep our hands off each other, but now… We don't talk anymore; he shut's me out. And when we do manage to start a conversation, it somehow always turns into an argument where one or both of us walk away.

"You know, it all seemed to start falling apart when he started running with the other wolves. I really hate that he does that. I hate that Dumbledore asks him to do it. He seems to think he owes Dumbledore or something because Dumbledore took a chance on him by letting him attend Hogwarts. Now he has to pay him back by spending all his time with murderous monsters. I've asked him to stop, but he won't listen to me.

"I'm so sick of this war, Lily! I'm sick of it tearing everything apart!" I finally let out all the anger and frustration that I'd been holding in for so long. Lily gracefully allowed me to use her toilet as a place to vent such feelings, and I found myself in another Lily hug.

"Oh, Kate. I had no idea. I'm so sorry."

"But you wouldn't know, would you? We didn't want anyone to know we were having problems so we didn't tell anyone. We just put on a smile and pretend that everything is fine, when it's really anything but."

"It's just a rough patch, Kate. Every couple has them. It will get better. I'm sure he's already told Dumbledore that he can't spy on Greyback anymore, not with a baby on the way."

I looked at Lily again, willing her to figure out what I couldn't say.

"You…you haven't told him, have you?"

I shook my head and bit my lip as more tears spilled forth.

"Kate," Lily said admonishingly.

"I know, Lily, I know. It's just….I'm scared to tell him. He won't marry me; he won't give me his name because he's afraid of degrading me or some ridiculous shit like that. Do you really think that having a…that having a…that this would change anything?"

"Yes. Having a…" she mouthed the word 'baby,' "…changes everything. You'll see, Kate. You and Remus will sort this out, but you have to tell him first. He deserves to know."

I nodded. She was right; I knew she was, but that didn't change the fact that I was still scared.

"I will. I will. I promise, but not today, not around the others. I think it's something that we should do in private. Besides, today is supposed to be about you." I smiled feebly.

"Until I do," I continued. "Can you promise me you won't say anything to James?"

Lily bit her lip uncertainly. "He's my husband, Kate." She still blushed slightly when she said the word 'husband,' and it hurt more than she could ever know.

"I know, but you know James won't be able to keep this from the guys. And we both know that's not how Remus should find out."

"Alright, I won't say anything to James, but, please tell Remus soon. In the meantime, you know you don't have to go through this alone, right? We're sisters now, Kate. I'm here for you. If you just need to cry, or someone to hold your hair back, or…"

"Chocolate?" I suggested.

Lily laughed. "Or chocolate. I'm sure I have some in the kitchen somewhere. Let's go find it."

After checking the mirror to make sure the tear stains weren't too visible, Lily and I left the room together. We didn't make it far, however, before Remus walked around the corner. Unsure if he'd somehow be able to read the truth in my eyes still, I avoided making eye contact for very long. Lily was no help. Her eyes quickly flashed between the two of us.

"I think I hear James calling for me. Coming, Honey!" she called before quickly leaving the two of us alone. Some sister.

"I…I was coming to see if you were all right," he said.

"I'm fine," I said simply. I was afraid that if I spoke to him too much I'd start crying again. Or we'd start arguing. … Or both.

"Are you sure? You were in there for quite a while."

"I said I'm fine, Remus."

"Right. Sorry for asking."

We stood in the hall, still and silent. The way Remus was standing I wouldn't have been able to walk by him without touching him. And I thought it would hurt too much to touch him.

"You'd…You'd tell me if you weren't though? If you were…ill…you'd tell me, right?"

I paused a moment before nodding. "Of course." I tried smiling, but I don't think it worked.

"But would you listen if I did? You don't seem to listen to anything else I say." I mumbled the last bit under my breath, but he heard it anyways.

"God, Kate, please don't start that now."

"I'm not starting anything. What's the point of trying to start something when you won't talk to me?"

"It's because I can't tell you."

"You can, Remus. You can tell me anything you wish, but you choose not to. And I can't figure out for the life of me why you would choose to shut me out!"

Remus wasn't a volatile person, but the stress we'd been under was immense. He slammed his hand against the wall as he whispered angrily, "Do you really want to hear about how we sit around and discuss our attacks and brag about our victims? Or would you rather know how we plan for the next full moon?"

Remus and I had been arguing in hushed whispers, but his last words seemed to echo in a large cavern. 'Our attacks.' 'Our victims.' Not 'his,' not 'theirs.' Our. My legs threatened to give way and I had to lean on the wall for support.

"Oh God, Remus… You're not…" I couldn't finish my thought; it was too horrid.

"Making up stories? Lying my ass off to keep cover? Hoping beyond reason that they won't see through my fraud? Yes, Kate, I am."

Lying. Making up stories. Those things I could live with. The alternative to that? Never.

"Then why do you still do it? It's too risky. What if they found out? The consequences…" I knew the consequences if Remus were to be discovered would be death. And he knew he didn't need to say that aloud.

"I provide the Order with valuable intel. We need it."

I shook my head adamantly. "No we don't. We'll find a way to manage without it. I think it's more important that we come out of this war without losing sight of who we are."

"That's the catch, Kate. We might not come out of this war at all without the information I provide."

Despite our intentions to do otherwise, our voices had gradually risen drawing the attention of the others. I could see them standing at the end of the hall watching us. Before either James or Sirius could say anything though, a silver Phoenix flew in through the window and down the hall. It stopped in front of Remus to deliver a message. Dumbledore was calling him away again.

Remus turned to leave, and I reached out and grabbed his hand.

"Please, don't go," I said. "Please stay…for us."

His brow furrowed in confusion.

"For you and me, I mean. Can't you see what this is doing to us? Don't go, Remus."

"I'm sorry, but I have to."

He pried my fingers from his wrist and made his way up the hall. He paused in front of Lily to wish her a happy birthday. I closed my eyes and bowed my head as I fought a losing battle with my tears. I flinched when I heard the 'pop' of apparition. I looked up to find James, Sirius, and Peter all watching me carefully. Only Lily was brave enough to approach me.

"Kate?"

I locked eyes with her. I could see her sympathy. She longed to share in the pain with me, but truthfully there was little she could do. There was little anyone could do.

"I…I think I'm going to be sick again." I turned and headed back to the toilet; Lily was right behind me.

XXX

2 September 1993

I had another restless night as memories continued to plague me. If this was going to be the norm, I would have to see Poppy about a tonic. Due to my restless night I was late getting to breakfast. As such, when I arrived many of the students and staff were on their way out, including Remus.

"Good morning, Professor," he said with a smile.

"Morning, Professor," I replied a little stiffly.

"I'm afraid there might not be much left in there."

"You're probably right." The latest memory was still fresh on my mind, and I tried to shove it aside as I continued, "especially not with my son in there. He'd eat me out of house and home. Well, him and Harry. Between the two of them I've learned to keep a well-stocked pantry."

There was a slight pause before Remus spoke again. And when he did there was a slight hitch to his voice.

"Do you see much of him? Harry I mean?"

Ah! So that's what it was. He was feeling a bit of guilt for not being in Harry's life. But what about Jonathan's?

"A fair bit," I replied, trying not to sound like I was bragging (too much). "I live across the street from his Aunt and Uncle; he and Jonathan went to the same primary school."

Remus fell silent again, a pained expression on his face. I began to wonder which would be worse: to know Harry all his life like I had, but never be more than just his friendly neighbor, or to be a complete stranger to him. The answer was clear. I'd much rather be in Harry's life as his neighbor only, then to not be in it at all.

Now I felt slightly guilty for bragging.

"Well…I suppose I should get to class. I wouldn't want to be late for my first day."

He turned and began walking off, leaving me behind. I sighed, knowing I was about to regret doing what I was going to do. I chased after him.

"Who do you have first?"

"You're going to miss breakfast." He pointed back to the Great Hall, ignoring my question.

"It won't be the first time or the last. Eight o'clock breakfast is usually hard to make when the earliest I typically see my bed is somewhere between two-thirty and three."

He looked at me funny and I stuck out my hand.

"Perhaps we haven't met. Katherine Porter, resident mother and Astronomy Professor."

"Ah, I should have known," he said softly.

"Come again?"

"Never mind." He took my hand in his. "Remus Lupin, resident new kid."

"Pleasure. So who's your first class?" He pulled out his time table and handed it to me. "Ouch! Fifth year double lesson. Little tip, Fred and George Weasley are always up to something. You can multiply that if my son is with them. So I'd advise thoroughly searching the area the twins were in to make sure they didn't leave something for Jonathan to finish, since you have him in the class that follows."

Remus laughed. "Thanks for the advice."

"Anytime. Oh! And if you do find anything, would you mind telling me? I swear if that boy gets his first detention of the year before next Friday, I will give Filch permission to use those chains he's always going on about."

He laughed again. "I know the ones you speak of. My friends and I were threatened with them many times when we were students here."

Anger flared up inside me. How dare you speak of them! My heart cried out. His pained expression promptly returned but it did little to abate the anger this time.

"Thanks again. Will I see you at lunch?"

I swallowed the bitter bile that had risen. "Probably."

With a parting wave he continued on his way; I watched him leave. Why is it, I wondered, that he always seems to leave me behind? And why did I still care?

A/N: Ok, so a bit of clarification. No, Remus did not recognize Katherine. Why? Because he's never met Katherine Porter. Kate is literally disguising herself on a constant basis. Why? Well, that will all be explained in due time. For now, you can picture Kate as Zooey Deschanel, and Katherine as Emily Blunt.

SO.. I love all the love I've been getting. Keep it coming. :)