Us From Now On
Chapter 4.
Summary: Why is it that we realize the importance of someone after they are gone? For it is hypocrisy and the human nature that blinds us to what matters the most.
AN: I screamed when Yui accidentally cut off her bangs. Now, that, is scary.
Disclaimer is on page one. Still needs BETA.
-"After months of having to live without you, I've realized I've lost me when I lost you."
The room was silent except for the soft breathing coming from the bed across from hers. The lights had been turned off, yet with the windows slightly open, the moonlight shone through and dimly light up a part of the small room.
Still wide awake and feeling that she won't be able to go to sleep again today, Akiyama Mio gazed upon into the night sky in boredom. Leaning against the wall and sitting up while hugging both of her knees, she lets her mind wander aimlessly. Night time was the best time to get sentimental and melancholic without worrying about anyone's scrutiny, which includes her closest confidante's and friends.
Her metallic grey eyes caught sight of the tickets placed upon her desktop, bathed under the soft beam of the moonlight and remembered the events that took place.
The air inside the recording room was particularly subdued this particular afternoon. After hearing Shingo's suggestion on replacing Ritsu and with him stating that he even had several new drummers to choose from…Mio lost control. She was really angry that someone could say it so easily like that! As though, Ritsu did not matter much to them! She could take it if her it were her friends who said that. But, if the one saying those things was someone who doesn't know any damn thing about their situation…! Ritsu was irreplaceable and she wanted the guy to know that getting a new drummer was the heaviest decision the whole band had to make probably in their whole short career!
She strummed a particularly angry bass note which trembled through the stagnant air and could feel her pick trembled dangerously under her very tight grip.
"Mio-chan," a gentle voice called out as scrapping of a chair was heard. Mio turned around to see Mugi dragging a spare chair and her (heavy) keyboard towards the chair where the bassist was currently sulking at "you know Shingo-san didn't mean it like that." Leave it to Mugi to know exactly what was bothering her, though it didn't really take a genius to know why the normally calm girl flared out in a fit without having anyone teasing her.
The bassist only watched silently as Mugi adjusted her keyboard so she could play it while sitting down as she talked to the distracted raven haired girl. Mugi glanced sideways to see their band's two guitarists heavily absorbed in memorizing the new chords of their new songs. Those two might not look like it, but they were also worried for Mio, and the keyboardist would be the one taking the brave step for them in confronting their bassist head-on. The blonde let out a smile as she saw the familiar scene of Yui having another of her genius moment that rendered her kouhai speechless.
"I know…"Mugi heard her raven haired companion answered softly and she turned her attention back to their conversation "I know he didn't mean it like that. But-but, it's just…I was- I don't know, the way he said it just makes me so- so angry somehow..."
"Don't you think you're angry at the wrong person?"
A widening of grey eyes and its owner whipped her head around to the one saying that. Clear blue eyes clashed back against hers unwaveringly and innocently.
Mugi lets out a gentle smile to let the bassist know that she was not disparaging her "I think you're just tired." The blonde knows very well how badly her friend had coped with their drummer's departure.
"No, I'm not." Mio's voice was trembling and was slightly louder that she'd meant it to be, for now Azusa and Yui were looking at them with worried eyes, afraid that another fight has broken out "I'm not tired-"
"You're not?"
"No! I-I'm hurt! I'm confused!" Mio was now standing in all her glory as she ranted, a usually rare sight for the others to see" I'm furious…I-I…" the raven haired girl calmed down as she notices her friends' worried looks and took her seat back "I'm a jumble…" she ended softly, her fingers whitening in a tight grip upon Elizabeth's dark form.
"I think you're heartbroken." Mugi said, lowering her tone to Mio's to not have their two friends worried about them and stop their practice.
Of all the unbelievable things Mugi could've said, this one baffled the bassist the most and snapped her out of her small rage "w-what? H-how can I be?" she was rendered to stuttering once again "a-and, how…?"
The blonde only gave a gentle know-it-all smile, making Mio even more flustered than she was now.
Broken hearted? Her? About whom?
"Anyway, Mio-chan, it's better to apologize," the keyboardist stood up and stretched "I think he's feeling really guilty about it."
"I know."
But what had happened next was not quite what Mio had expected. After their studio time was over, she went straight over to the front desk, only to find the long haired clerk busy on the phone. The bassist told her band mates to wait outside for her, since she wouldn't be able to apologize properly if anyone's watching due to her extreme shyness.
"Ah? Is that alright?"Mio could hear parts of Shingo's conversation on the handheld device and directed her attention to something else to make it less awkward "Yes! That's great! Thank you once again," the wireless phone was put back on its stand.
Now that Shingo's done, the bassist opened her mouth to apologize only to have the studio clerk beaten her to it.
"Are you free for the rest of the spring break?"
"W-what?"
"See, I feel really bad about prying into your personal business just now," Shingo grinned guiltily, though Mio know full well that that was her fault "so, I'll make it up to you guys. I just got 4 extra tickets to Hell Fest in Tokyo next week, backstage pass and all, and was wondering if Houkago Teatime would like to come along?"
Tokyo? Hell Fest? What the-?
Seeing the blank look on Mio's face, Shingo waved his hand towards the large flier on the info board "Hell Fest, where the band Intoccabile is going to play. 3 days straight of live performances and it's all on me. Well, except for the train fares, I haven't much money for that one," he added sheepishly.
The bassist was speechless.
And that was already yesterday afternoon. Tomorrow, they're going aboard the first Shinkansen on to Tokyo and probably watch their first indie band concert. The other members of HTT had different reactions when Mio had told them about the free tickets. She couldn't quite believe the band's stroke of luck to have endless free opportunities of going to different places. Like the yearly trip to the beach during High School and the free tickets Sawa-chan gave them to the Summer Fest. This trip might be good for their band, since watching the more experience bands in action gave them enough inspiration to continue their dream, which was and still is, to reach Budokan together.
Mio gave a small snort as she realized her thoughts. Well, for once, she's not feeling down and gloomy.
Her hands lowered from their previous position of hugging her knees and she gave a small start as her left hand brushed against a slightly rough material. Her eyes gazed down and saw a slightly worn out, frilly bright pink cell phone bag. Her left hand picked it up and her sharp eyes caught sight of the small figures of a badly sewn-on embarrassed-looking rabbit and a cheeky-looking squirrel with a slightly large forehead.
She had almost forgotten…
Pink lips curled up on both corners as she remembered that she had sewn on those animal figures during Home Economics class somewhere during middle school. The rabbit for her…and the squirrel for her best friend. Ritsu was a bit offended that her forehead had to be mirrored in her choice of animal and she had kicked up quite a fuss, demanding Mio to take it off and changed it so something cooler. Mio never did.
A quiet chuckle escaped pink lips as she took out what's inside of the bag. Her old pearl-white slide cell phone that she'd used back in High School laid on her palm, looking worn out- but still in a good condition. She didn't use this phone much anymore, since it now has a slightly different use for her.
Mio fingered the screen and traced the worn out keypads with calloused fingers, remembering when she had typed furiously on them as she texted her impatient best friend. The phone slides open, and the screen lit up before the wallpaper image appeared. The sight of it was bittersweet.
There, as the wallpaper, was the photo she and Ritsu had taken right after their class play of Romeo and Juliet had ended. The Mio in the picture had a slightly embarrassed look and a rather pink hue on her face. Her drummer best friend, on the other hand, was grinning so widely like all was fine in the world and had curled one arm around the bassist's neck. Both looked tired, mentally and physically, yet they're both happy. Very happy. Mio smiled as she went to the picture folder and browsed through it, seeing the old photos she'd taken during her high school years and dove into old memories.
This phone was now serving as a memory box to her. It held all the past memories she shared with her K-On! Club members, most especially with Ritsu. The picture folder on the phone held old photos during outings and random snapshots, the inbox still saved the hundreds of texts she'd received from her best friend with various topics. And in the notes…there were song lyrics, and most of them were incomplete since the departure of her muse.
Was Ritsu her muse? Probably.
Ritsu, with her endless teasing, gave her random inspirations that she usually puts down together into song lyrics. Like the song 'Pure-Pure Heart', some of the idea's she'd gotten for it were from of one prank Ritsu pulled on her during the way home from school. True, her lyrics were mostly girlish and too…um, fluffy for the drummer's liking. Mio just never told Ritsu that the reason that she'd gotten ideas for those 'fluffy girlish' stuff was all thanks to her best friend's pranks and play on words. Imagine the look on Ritsu's face if she did.
Her finger stopped when she reached a particular picture. It was a random shot Sawa-chan took during one particularly lazy time in the clubroom just before graduation. All the third years had received their final-exam scores and all that was left was the graduation ceremony, their University entrance exam results came out after graduation. In it, Mugi and Yui were both smiling widely at Azusa, who had the misfortune of being coaxed in wearing the nekomimi once again, and this time as a graduation present, Yui had said. Mio herself was also laughing at the three, her expression carefree and happy, not knowing what would happen just in weeks' time.
Grey eyes focused on a figure in the corner of the picture.
They said that pictures can sometimes show the emotion of its objects. Mio had never really believed in it, not until now. You see, ever since they'd become friends, Mio had come to know Ritsu as the energetic, happy girl. Never did she see her head-band wearing friend gets all down and gloomy unless she's down with a sickness. But here…in this last photo that had Ritsu in it…
She wasn't smiling.
The usually radiant pair of amber eyes was clouded with emotions. Lips that were usually curled up in a cheerful manner were upside down. And the expression she had on her face…was something the bassist had never seen before.
Painstaking grief was one word Mio could say about that expression. It was foreign on Ritsu's face. And it was very painful to see, especially when those eyes were directed at the unsuspecting Mio.
Ritsu…she never showed any expression like this. Not even after Mio's rejection! If it's even possible, after the rejection, Ritsu had become even kinder to her, to the point that she was the best friend a girl could ever have. The drummer stops being so obnoxiously annoying around her. She stops playing prank and teasing her for the fun of it like she usually did. Ritsu laughs less and smiles more and generally becoming subdued…
Something clicked in place.
Ritsu might seem okay on the surface, but she had changed on the inside. Now, 2 years later, the signs were brutally clear to Mio. The bassist had a feeling that something was off with the drummer then, but she had shrugged it off, simply thinking that her childhood best friend was finally maturing.
Mio closed her phone and buried her head between her folded knees as realization dawned upon her. That photo was taken days after the drummer confessed to her. Days after Mio turned her down.
How could she be so blind?
It was all her. She was the cause of Ritsu's grief and possibly, maybe, the reason why she had changed as well.
The signs were there, the warning signs! Ritsu didn't tease her anymore. She didn't poke fun at her mushy lyrics out of necessity. She didn't blurt out a 'boo!' and scared Mio shitless every chance she gets anymore…And it was really hard to contact Ritsu for a get-together after school...
And during graduation, right after the graduation ceremony, Mio could faintly remember that Ritsu had a heated agreement with Mugi near the school gates. She remembered being worried about them, but with her fan club going berserk around her, asking for autographs, photos and whatnots, Mio couldn't do anything but only to watch from afar.
What had happened?
What did they talk about?
Did Mugi know Ritsu was leaving them?
The bassist eyed her sleeping roommate, half-wishing that the blonde would wake up and answers the torrent of questions that was clouding her mind right now.
She shifted and fell limply on her bed, exhausted both her body and mind. White cell phone clutched tightly in her right hand, its screen went to screen saver and showed all the pictures it had in its folder. Fingers tightened around its plastic shell as its owner curled on her side.
Mio was tired, so damn tired of it all.
She was tired of being left in the dark, wondering and groping aimlessly for anything about her childhood's friends whereabouts… and tired of having all her past stupidities shoved right back in her face.
The bassist let out a dry sob.
It really hurts, so, very much. Her heart felt like it's breaking apart all over again every time she remembers Ritsu's abrupt departure.
Suddenly…Mugi's words came back to her.
"I think you're heartbroken."
With…Ritsu?
How could she be?
Didn't she reject Ritsu's confession?
It should be the other way around, right?
What she feels for Ritsu…was only friendship. That was clear enough, wasn't it?
This was all so confusing to her. Mio had written lyrics about break-ups and heart breaks before, but she also never had her heart broken so she couldn't be sure. And this feeling…here in her chest, that always came up when Ritsu flooded her mind, this suffocating feeling…what was it?
The sadness that came over her whenever she had thought that Ritsu had thought of her nothing less than a mere friend…
And-and even the smallest thought that the said drummer was now having the time of her life, somewhere out there, moving on and forgetting everything about her was enough to make her eyes burn.
This onslaught of painful loneliness that threatens fresh tears to pour out of grey eyes that had promised not to cry anymore…This suffocating feeling from being left behind by the person she held close…Never had she felt like this before.
These feelings were new to her, and they scared her as much as they confused her.
With her mind getting foggy, Mio knows that she wouldn't get her questions answered for the time being. The last thing that ran over her mind before sleep claimed her was that even though Mio doesn't know what this feeling was…one thing was crystal clear to her. She was missing Ritsu terribly. She misses the light Ritsu had brought into her life.
Ritsu was…and still is…the sunlight in the bassist's now dark and cloudy world. And she always will be.
I just realized that those people that usually wrote about love, heart breaks and break ups either had it happening to them right at that moment, had it happen to them in the past or was just imagining to be in the position of being involved in it. I think of Mio as the last, the dreamer and romantic she is, her muse of love songs came from the fairy tale romance she dreams about and yearns for. But reality's a bitch and they kept on bullying her.
A bit distracted during this chapter, hopefully this turns out okay. As usual, thoughts are appreciated.
Notes:
Why a squirrel to portray Ritsu? It's a pun on her name since Rizu means squirrel in Japanese.