I want you so much but I hate your guts.

A/N: Inspired by the Song Landfill by Daughter. The whole song is a SaruMi song, and you can't tell me otherwise. If you haven't heard the song yet, listen to it and you will know what I'm talking about.

"You've done a very excellent job Fushimi-kun"
"You're amazing Fushimi-kun!"

These are the words that Fushimi would always hear whenever he associates with people. He's never gotten close to anyone else except for Misaki and because of this, people find him amazing when he offers them help. He's the the type to be really focused on his work and is very capable. But the only words that he always wants to hear was his name being spoken by his best friend.

"Saruhiko."
"Saru.."

Misaki says his name like no other. Fushimi closed his eyes as the dust and grime from the air swept through him. His face was full of dust and ashes because of the chaos that was going on. He was separated from his group and was alone standing amidst the rubbles as throngs of people passed by him, running, trying to get away from what they started calling as "hell hole". The buildings were destroyed and the streets were filled of holes made by the shells that were bombed at the city. Fire ate up most of the buildings and the nonstop screams and cries of people in pain had become a soundtrack. A dark atmosphere loomed over the place, it felt like God has already forsaken the cursed land and its people. It was obvious to see just by looking that there was no hope left for them. The air was filled with burning flesh, and the putrid smell of rotting corpse. The aroma of death and destruction was all over the place. The only missing was the scent of sulphur for it to become completely hellish. It was such a horrendous sight. It was as if hell ascended on to earth and Fushimi couldn't do anything about it.

It was clear that the country had can no longer retaliate. The government's military forces was in disarray, they became disorganised the moment that the Prime Minister died. The military lost its pride and with that along with the police force but those under the command of his commander didn't give up. That was how he ended up in such a state, he could've escaped like the others but he chose to stay and follow his commander and do his job until the very end. He wiped his face using the back of his hand and looked up at the sky. He noticed tiny flecks of vibrant red in the air. To his eyes, it looked like fireflies fluttering away. A fleck landed on his eyelids. The red thingies were only the ashes left by the fire. He took it and crushed it using his fingers. Its fragile structure disintegrate into particles of dust from just a little ounce of force he used. He opened his palm and let the ashes go. A gust of wind escaped his lips, how pathetic it all was. He closed his eyes and reminded himself who he was, he reminded himself of who he was supposed to be. The air blew stronger. It's coldness chilled Fushimi to the bones even though the warmth from huge fire still scorched him. He could feel fire and ice mingle on his face, he didn't like it one bit. Yet he wonders why it reminded him of someone.

"Misaki…"

Fushimi thoughts lingered on him for a while. He remembered how his friend just left him like that and went with his gang, forgetting him altogether, walking out of his life forever.

"Saru! Come with us.. even though you betrayed us.. you're still part of the gang".

He remembered Misaki plead. He came for him to invite him to runaway with them. But he was now part of the defense task force, he can't just leave and throw away his responsibilities. Misaki extended his hand out for Fushimi, expecting him to take it. Misaki couldn't read the other boy's expression but he was hopeful. Fushimi looked down, averting his gaze from his friend, it has been awhile since they both talked. In fact it was the first time in a year that they've talked since they had a fallout. Fushimi chuckled. His chuckle rose to a crescendo and burst into a guffaw. Misaki just stared at him dumbfounded, irritation starting to ignite within him.

"What are you saying Mi-sa-ki? Me? Go with you and your stupid gang? hahahaha. You're joking right?"
"Saru… you.."
"That's enough Misaki.. I won't go with you. Leave with that stupid gang of yours. Runaway! I don't care what you do."

That was their last conversation. He shrugged Misaki off and even when he looked back at him one last time he.. when all he wanted was for him to stay he shouted vile things at him. And when his back was before him, as his frame was getting smaller and smaller, he was barely keeping it all in. Don't you dare look back. Don't you dare look back. Walk away. He chanted to himself as he bit his underlip forcefully. He kept repeating those to himself as he was fighting back tears.

Fushimi heaved a sigh. Misaki's angry face came to mind and that put a crooked smile on his face. He always liked the angry look on Misaki's face, it always gave him the motivation to live on. But living was already too much for him now. Fushimi took a step. There was a booming sound coming from a distance like a stereo at full blast and then just meters behind him a shell fell, destroying everything in its path. His eyes widened with shock. Clouds of dust hovered at the site where the shell fell, flames burst and the people who were there were engulfed by the flames and killed by the impact. He could see body parts explode in front of him like minced meat. It was like hell. The shots, the shouts, the cries filled his ears. It was a cacophony. It was very noisy but it was all clear to him that he would die. He looked at his surroundings, there were a lot of dead bodies lying around. The cobblestones beneath his feet which was supposed to be compact were now cracked. The cracks formed fractals on the floor. These cracks he noticed were filled with red substance which he figured was blood. He ignored all of it and continued walking. He didn't know where to go, actually he didn't have to go anywhere. He didn't care about anything at this point. Everything was too late. It was too late to do anything but die. A wail came from a distance, when he looked over his shoulder he saw that a shell was coming towards him. At that moment he smiled. So this was the end he thought as his chest was suffused with an ache he never felt in his life. He didn't move. Before the ground he was standing on gave out, tears started trickling down his face, his heart was too exhausted already and with that he closed his eyes accepting the fate that await him.

Fushimi always thought that when a person dies, his thoughts would be blank, but why was he the last thing he could think of before a tear fell on the ground, before he was completely enveloped by the blinding white light? Why does he haunt him even in this last moment of his life?

"Misaki…"