"Beginning"
Thane was nervous. He was never nervous. The hanar and drell instructors had trained him to deal with stressful situations, to assess conditions and adapt to changes. But they had never covered situations like this.
He stalked to the end of the hallway, then back again. Even in his agitated state, he made almost no noise. Aside from his pacing, the only outward sign of his anxiety was the staccato tap of his fingers against the heavy fabric of his pants. His entire life was upended, the carefully constructed pieces of his sense of order scattered to the winds and tide. Ever since his parents had given him to the Compact, he knew where he fit in the world, and he was good at it. His instructors, although they never said so directly, were pleased and sometimes amazed at his abilities. He was one of the youngest ever to be released to active duty, and he took pride in his work. For years now, he had lived his life with control as the defining characteristic, but now he could feel that control slipping through his fingers.
He shook his head. Who was he fooling? He had lost control in the space of a single heartbeat a year ago and never gained it back, no matter how hard he tried. He was no follower of Arashu, goddess of love and home life. His patron gods were Amonkira and Kalahira, the Lord of the Hunt and the Lady of Death. Even then, his religious convictions were tenuous, a holdover from dim memories of his parents. The instructors didn't encourage religion in their students. The danger of them questioning their roles was too high.
So why was he clutching Arashu's token so tightly that the points of the silver crescent were digging through the scales of his palm? He forced himself to walk over to a window and stand still. The building was in the center of one of the drell habitat domes built by the hanar centuries ago. A beautiful garden was laid out before him, but he stared at it with unseeing eyes.
Now he didn't even have the security of the Guild to rely on. He had asked permission to leave, and the hanar had granted it without question. They knew that when one of theirs had been lost to love, he could no longer fulfill his duties as before. The risks became too high, both for the assassin and for those who sent him out. It's why the Assassin's Guild was modeled on a monastic life and students were taught to deny their emotions and the demands of their body.
But the old gods had a way of making themselves known, and when Arashu had shown herself to Thane that night, he knew immediately that he was lost. Sunset eyes staring defiantly back at him through the scope. All the old stories his mother told him came to life that night. Stories of sihas, the warrior angels of Arashu. Even though she couldn't see him, she looked straight at him and claimed his heart.
He had wandered aimlessly for hours afterward, ignoring the calls from his handlers. He was sure it was no accident when he looked up and found himself outside Arashu's temple. He entered and touched the salt water from the sacred bowl at the entrance to his brow. What do you want of me, goddess, he asked silently. The answer came immediately. Find her, confess, seek absolution. He bowed his head in acceptance.
It took him three weeks to find her. In the meantime, his hanar handlers tried to talk him out of his obsession, as they named it. His drell instructor had talked to him for ten minutes, then nodded, bowing to the goddess' will. The hanar were much more difficult to convince. It wasn't until they sent him out on another mission, and he failed to complete it because of his distraction, that they, too, accepted that he had been lost to them.
When he found her, he had dropped to his knees before her. Without even knowing her name, he begged her forgiveness, called her siha. Miracle or Arashu's will, but she took his hand in hers and granted it. Green scales against light orange. A gentle soul that nonetheless possessed a core of strength equal to his own. Arashu blessed them again a few months later, and now here he was, stalking the hallways of the hospital, clutching the goddess' token and whispering prayers for the safety of his wife and soon-to-be-born child.
Without the Guild, without his profession, he had no idea how he would provide for his new family, but he pushed that worry aside. For now, it would be enough to have a family to call his own, something that he had never considered possible in his young life.
Finally, when his patience had been strained to the breaking point, the nurse came to get him. The smile on her face told him all he needed to know. He ran into Irikah's room, then stopped dead when he saw her cradling their newborn in her arms. "It's a boy," she whispered and pressed a kiss against his tiny brow. "Kolyat." She held out a hand to Thane and gave him a brilliant smile. He sank onto the bed next to her, touching the tiny cheek in awe.
When she handed the babe to him, he was more afraid that he'd ever been in his life. "What if I..."
"You won't drop him," she reassured him with a laugh. "You're his father. Everything will be fine, Thane. We're a family now."
A family. A wife and child. It was all so different from everything in his past that he was still struggling to understand his place in this new world. But holding his newborn son in his arms and with his wife at his side, he was ready for his new beginning.