Hi everyone! I here is chapter four of Kyle's Bar Mitzvah. Cartman's birthday is drawing closer and he wants his party to be perfect. However, his over-bearing mother doesn't quite get that he is growing up. Also, Kyle brings Bebe to his house for tutoring and gets his own dose of motherly embarrassment.
Disclaimer: I do not own South Park or the following quote.
Chapter 4: Mama Who Bore Me
"Mama who bore me, Mama who gave me no way to handle things, who made me so sad."
Cartman breathed a sigh of relief as he was finally let out of detention. It was stupid really. Detention for what? Butters was the idiot who went into the girls locker room, not him. He was merely joking. Butters as gullible and naive as ever and took it seriously and of course Cartman was the one who got in trouble. As he walked into hall he pulled out his phone to text Stan. Hey, can I get a ride home with you?
No response. Cartman figured he was still in football practice so he strolled over to the vending machine to get himself a snack while he waited. Cartman approached the vending machine and peered inside wracking his brain about what to get. After about a minute, he finally settled on some Nacho Cheese Doritos. He pulled out a dollar bill and inserted it into the machine and pressed the buttons for his Doritos. Just as he received his Doritos he heard a familiar sound. With his free hand, he pulled out his phone to see Stan's response. Sure, Fatass. Why did you get detention again?
Cause Butters is a fucking imbecile. Responded Cartman.
Really Cartman? That kid's been the butt of your stupid jokes since the third grade! Replied Stan.
But he's a loser. Argued Cartman, Plus I was only joking. I didn't think he actually be stupid enough to do it.
Cartman you are a such a dumbass! Butters takes everything seriously. Stan responded, I'm on my way out. Meet me out front?
Sure, whatever, you Veggie-Pussy. Replied Cartman.
Stan rolled his eyes and stashed his phone back into his pocket. He knew better than to respond when Cartman made fun of him for being a vegetarian. He turned the corner into the main hallway and there was Cartman about to walk out the front doors. "Hey, Cartman! Wait up!"
Cartman stopped and turned around, "Hey, Stan."
The two boys walked out the front doors and Cartman scanned the horizon for Shelly's lavender lexxus. A wave of dissappointment came over him as saw parked in front of the school was the old toyota that belonged to Stan's father, Randy Marsh. The boys walked up to the car and climbed in.
"Hi, boys" said Randy.
"Hey, Dad" replied Stan.
"Hi, Mr. Marsh" said Cartman, "Where's Shelly?"
"She's at home, Eric. She was too upset to drive this afternoon" explained Randy.
"Jesse break her heart?" Cartman asked.
"Pretty much" replied Randy.
"I knew it!" chimed Cartman, "I told you, Stan! I told you that bastard was no good!"
"Whatever!" cried Stan, "She always falls for guys like that. Don't worry about her, Fatass. She'll be back on her feet in a few days as usual" Stan paused, "I still don't get why you care so much."
"Who said I cared?" replied Cartman, "I was just being polite!"
"That's very kind of you, Eric" said Randy.
Stan leaned back against the seat and sighed. Cartman didn't do polite or kind.
Cartman changed the subject, "So, Mr. Marsh, did you hear about those people who got attacked on the outskirts of town by a mysterious animal?"
"Of course" replied Randy, "Do you what I think it is?"
"Oh god, not this again" muttered Stan.
"No, what?" Egged Cartman.
"A wild, feathered foozen beast!" exclaimed Randy.
"Dad!" cried Stan, "Stop embarrassing me! There's no such thing as a foozen beast!"
"That's what they want you to think, Stan!" replied Randy.
"Dad!" Stan turned to Cartman, "God dammit, Cartman! Did you have to get my dad worked up on this foozen beast crap again?"
"Are you kidding? This is hilarious!" laughed Cartman.
"Yea" retorted Stan, "Cause I'm the one who's embarrassed not you, right?"
Randy pulled up to Cartman's house, "Here you are, Eric."
"Thanks, Mr. Marsh" Cartman turned to Stan, "Pretty much, yea."
Cartman climbed out of the car and slammed the door on a fuming Stan. Cartman laughed to himself as he walked up the path towards the front door. His mood did a one-eighty when he went inside. He plopped his bag down by the front door and went into the kitchen. "Hey, Mom, I'm home! What's for dinner?"
"Hi, Poopykins!" said Ms. Cartman, "We're having lasagna."
"Cool and Mom, stop calling me Poopykins! I'm almost thirteen! It's embarrassing!" said Cartman.
"Sorry, Sweetie, old habit" said Ms. Cartman.
"Whatever" Cartman took his place at the kitchen table.
After a brief silence, Ms. Cartman spoke again, "I have a surprise for you, Eric."
"A surprise?" pipped Cartman, "Ooh! Ooh! Is it a birthday surprise?"
"Yes, it is" replied Ms. Cartman, "It's in those shopping bags over there. Go take a look!"
Cartman excitedly ran over the shopping bags but was soon disappointed, "Pin The Tail On The Donkey? Stickers? Board games? And the number of a clown?"
"Stuff for your party, Eric" said Ms. Cartman.
"But Mom! This is baby stuff! I'm turning thirteen not five!" whinned Cartman.
"But Poopykins, Pin The Tail On The Donkey is your favorite game." said Ms. Cartman.
"When I was five!" snapped Cartman, "I need a cool party, not a baby one!"
"Okay, what do you have in mind?" asked Ms. Cartman.
"A dance party, with a cool DJ and awesome lights and a disco ball and lots of KFC!" said Cartman.
"Sounds kind of expensive, Sweetie" said Ms. Cartman.
"But Mom! I need to have a cool party so the kids at school think I'm cool!" whinned Cartman.
Ms. Cartman was hesitant.
"But Mom! But Mom! But Mom!" Cartman whinned over and over again.
Meanwhile, the doorbell rang at the Broflovski's house. Mrs. Broflovski answered it. "Why, is this little Bebe Stevens?"
"Yes, Mrs. Broflovski" replied Bebe, "Is Kyle there?"
"Of course. You're so pretty like your mother! How is she by the way?" said Mrs. Broflovski.
"She's fine" replied Bebe.
Mrs. Broflovski motioned for Bebe to come inside, then turned and called, "Kyle! There's someone here to see you!"
Kyle came running down the stairs, "Hey, Bebe. Thanks, Mom, I'll take it from here."
"Alright, you kids have fun. Oh, I can't believe my little Kyle having girls over!" said Mrs. Broflovski.
"Mom! You're embarrassing me!" said Kyle.
Bebe giggled, "Kyle is tutoring me in math."
"I know, isn't Kyle such a sweet boy?" said Mrs. Broflovski.
"Mom!" whinned Kyle.
"That's my Kyle! Such a gentleman! Helping a pretty girl in need" said Mrs. Broflovski.
"Mom, please!" begged Kyle.
"Oh, Bebe, I can't believe how beautiful you grown! Gerald! Come here! Bebe Stevens is here!" said Mrs. Broflovski.
"What? Elli's little girl?" called Mr. Broflovski from the other room.
Kyle who was as red as a tomato grabbed Bebe's hand and started to pull her upstairs, "We'll be in my room. Later, Mom."
"Alright" called Mrs. Broflovski as they walked away, "But Kyle don't forget that you still have to do your homework and practice your hebrew!"
"Okay, Mom! I will! Bye!" said Kyle as he and Bebe disappeared into his room.