Chapter 4. Douchebags and roses.

[Tweek]

Craig absolutely fucking hates me now. I`m sure it's because of my last episode. I must've scared him off pretty bad. I know I`m a weirdo, but what can I do about it? I feel so ashamed about that time, so I start avoiding my best friend, and well... I`m also pretty mad at him myself for ditching me like he did, when all I needed was his friendly support and attention.

That's why I decide to take part in the reality show which 'the douchebags' are having to choose their new friend. It's strange, really, how lots of kids will say they don't like the notorious troublemakers, but here they are. Here's Clyde and here's Token, and, to my surprise, Craig also joins the contest. I guess I was always right about his hate for them being one hundred per cent pretend.

The competition can actually be called "Who can kiss our asses best", and most of the guys are trying to impress 'the douchebags'. But not me, cause it's just too much pressure, so I`m just being my-loony-twitchy-paranoid-self. Which happens to somehow work and 'the douchebags' keep giving me the roses after every round of the contest. I gotta say it looks pretty gay. I wonder what Craig is thinking. I mean, considering all the scary crap his dad has put into his head about being gay he must surely be freaking out right now, right?

I haven't talked to him much lately, being still pissed, but we sometimes hang out with Clyde, Token and Jason. We go sledging tonight after the contest, but then Clyde has to leave early, so Craig and I end up walking home together, and that's the first time I've spoken to him this week. To be exact, it's mostly him talking and me simply nodding or humming in response, which is rare. I just don't feel like communicating at the moment, although I`m not really stressed out right now, just down, I guess.

"What do you think was the coolest ride in the amusement park yesterday?" he asks, as we're walking past Clyde's house.
"I don't really like amusement park", I shrug and twitch. "There's too much pressure."
"Which was the worst one then?"
"The scary house. NNNGAAAH!" I nervously shiver at the memory of it.
Craig sighs.
"I didn't go on that ride," he says. "I was all out of cash by the time we got to it."
Oh, right. "Did you have to open up your sacred stash to afford the park?" I ask him as I stop right in front of his house.
"Well, yeah..." He averts his eyes. I know why. He must be feeling ashamed. Well, he should be: he had no problem with me paying for his cinema tickets not so long ago, but once 'the douchebags' organize a trip to the amusement park, his savings don't seem to be that sacred any longer. This kind of attitude kinda sucks. Can it be that he was only hanging out with me because of the money? What if he's decided that it's not worth it, if he has to put up with my spazzy outbursts? Must be it, I think, and it's so fucking painful that I can't stand Craig by my side anymore. Well, alright, if he doesn't want to accept me for who I am, we don't have to be best buddies.

I start walking faster, leaving him behind, but Craig catches up with me.
"Tweek! Wait!" he calls. I don't want to talk to him, but he grabs my arm and makes me turn around. I shake his hand off.
"Sorry," he drops.
"What?" I frown and twitch at the same time, feeling this weird bitter feeling spreading over my chest. I feel used, betrayed, abandoned.
"Are you mad at me or something?" he asks. "Is it about 'the douchebags'?"

No, I think, it's about you ditching me in the middle of a goddamn episode, when I needed you so.

"What about them?"

I turn around and start walking again. Craig must have decided to follow me to my house. I guess I`m not gonna get rid of him tonight. I sigh. I twitch.
"Well, I mean, you know how I've always said I hated them and now I'm taking part in their stupid competition..."
"Yeah, that's pretty inconsistent of you."
"So... Are you mad at me because of that?"
"I`m not mad at you." That's a lie, but I decide not to disclose my true feelings. I know it'd probably be more fair if I just told him what I feel so bitter about, but I just can't make myself utter the words "You used me." Sounds so lame, so cliche`, I'd just die if I spoke them out loud. Yet it's exactly how I`m feeling right now, and I know I can't do anything about it, just wait for the emotions to die down. I need to get home as fast as I can, have some coffee, and then maybe it'll get better.

Craig doesn't seem to have believed me, but he doen't say anything, just walks me home silently.
"See you at Cartman's, I guess" he sighs, watching me walk all the way up to the front porch. I feel shitty leaving him like that, so at the last moment I turn around and wave at him.
"GAAAH! See you Craig!" I shout, twitching spastically. His face immediately brightens up with a wide friendly smile.
"See you tomorrow!" he waves back and runs away.

Why did I do it, I keep asking myself, as I come inside longing for a big mug of hot black coffee. I am still mad at him, aren't I? Well, maybe not that mad… Not after he smiled at me like that… Maybe I was just being paranoid? Maybe he wasn't so grossed out by my episode after all? Maybe he didn't hang out with me because of all the entertainment I had to offer for certain amounts of cash? Maybe it was all just in my spazzy head?
"JESUS! WHY DO I HAVE TO BEAR SO MUCH PRESSURE?! THERE'S JUST TOO MUCH! I WANT OUT!" I scream and bump my head into the wall.

"Welcome back, pumpkin!" I hear mom's voice from the kitchen, and I hurry there to get my evening fix of coffee.

Fuck Craig, I think, sipping on the hot steamy drink. Fuck the douchebags, fuck their stupid competition. For a moment I`m considering backing out from the game, but this idea, though promising more safety and way less stress, feels too lame. How am I supposed to achieve anything in life if I let paranoia dictate the rules? No, I decide, I`m gonna take my part in the douchebags' contest until they kick me out. I've made up my mind and I won't back off, even if that means seing Craig every goddamn day, which, I know, will only make me bitter.

"JESUS! WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE SO DAMN HARD?!" I twitch and spill hot coffee over my shirt.

Fuck Craig.

[Craig]

Tweek absolutely fucking hates me. And what's worse, I totally deserve it. I know it was fucking lame to cut him off like that, but I just don't know what else to do, because I`m still freaking out about that sudden desire to hug him which I had a couple weeks ago. What's even worse, it didn't disappear, no, it still lingers somewhere at the back of my brain, reminding about itself ever so often. I feel like shit every time I want to act upon this idea, and every time a little voice in my head (which sounds suspiciously like my dad's) tells me that I shouldn't do it, or other kids will see what a little faggot I am and start ripping on me. But I`m not a fag! I`m not! I just want to support my friend, that's it, right? Is it? Jeez, I don't know anymore…

I still wanna hang out with Tweek, but he seems so pissed at me, and I guess I don't have the balls to be myself around him and do what I feel like doing. That is, hug him… Oh, shit! Not again!

I know he finds strange me taking part in the douchebag's game, and I didn't really understand myself either until I finally got it today: I`m not doing it to try and fit in their stupid quartet! I`m doing the contest, because Tweek is in it, too. So this way I get to see him more often without asking him to spend more time with me. Why is it that I ashamed to just approach him and tell him how I feel? Well… I try not to think about it. Like… No, that's a no-go zone for me.

I am really happy, though, that I got to walk Tweek home tonight and talk to him. Although he still seems to kinda hate me, I hope that maybe tomorrow will be better. Maybe he'll melt a little and I won't have to explain him why I had to take a break from being his BFF? I still feel like shit, of course, because I know how lame and pathetic my excuses are. Maybe I am a chicken? Maybe I don't deserve Tweek as my friend?

Next day is a fucking disaster: the douchebags get tired of their competition, so they wrap it up by kicking everyone except Tweek out. I stand there as I watch Cartman hand him the rose. He twitches and shakes looking nervous, but somewhat proud, and I feel anger stirring inside. I really feel like punching something or someone.

I never thought Tweek would actually win. Not because he isn't cool, but because the douchebags never seemed to like him. After all, they were mean enough to lure us into that fight last year, which is something you wouldn't do to a person you like, right?
But here he is, standing tall on the improvised stage holding a red rose in his shaky hands.

"Alright," Cartman announces, "we've got our fourth friend, now everyone else can go screw themselves! Thanks again for joining our competition and fuck off".

I show him my middle finger, and take a glance at Tweek. His eyes meet mine, and I don't like the superior patronizing look he gives me, so I flip him off, too. For the first time in my life. His eyebrows go upwards in surprise, lips quiver, he twitches badly and shrieks.

Goddamn it! Why did I have to do it? I don't want to look at him anymore. A dark painful feeling is eating my guts from the inside: he doesn't need me as his BFF. He's got the douchebags now. Well, fuck you, too, Tweek! I don't want to be your friend no more! Enjoy your time with fatass and Co., you spaz!

I`m running down the street as fast as I can. I don't stop at my house, just keep running, because I need it. Because I know if I stop, I'll probably start crying, and boys don't cry, only pussies and faggots do. And I`m neither a faggot, not a crybaby. I. Am. Not. Going to cry because Tweek chose the douchebags over me. I`m going to act like I don't care. Because I`m not supposed to care. Because it doesn't hurt a bit.

Only it does hurt. It hurts a fucking lot. So much that I can't run anymore, because I`m sobbing and shaking, and I`m all out of breath. I look around: turns out I ran the whole way to Stark's pond. There's no one here, only a bunch of stray dogs, but I still hide behind a tree trunk in case someone goes by and sees me crying like a little whiny chicken. I don't want to cry, I feel ashamed, but I just can't help it: the tears won't stop no matter what.

So I stay there, curled behind the tree, and I cry so hard and so long that my chest and stomach start hurting badly. But I don't stop, because it feels like if I do, I'd have to accept the reality: my best friend ditched me, because I was being a dick to him. And it feels like if I keep crying, the world will just freeze and won't move on, and maybe a miracle can happen, and the douchebags will change their minds?

It doesn't happen, of course: the world won't stop spinning just because one little wuss cries his eyes out. Nothing will change.
Little by little I come to my senses. I`m still curled behind the tree, hugging my knees with my back propped against the trunk. I don't sob anymore, but my face is fucking freezing because of all the tears. I wipe them off with a sleeve, and get up. Surprisingly, it actually feels all better, and, though I`m still ashamed of being a crying pussy now, I`m also a lot more relaxed, and strangely, don't seem to care about Tweek and the douchebags anymore. I mean, it still hurts, of course, but now I`m angrier with Tweek than myself, because, let's face it: he isn't exactly an innocent little lamb here, with that look he gave me. I don't feel so sorry for flipping him off now. Hell, the spaz deserved it.

Fuck Tweek.

Hey, everyone! Thanks for reading.
Now, I know that this chapter isn't very positive, but I kind of think their relationship didn't always go so smoothly, even though they still like each other a lot. It was very exciting for me to write this chapter, because I wasn't exactly planning such an emotional twist for them, but somehow the characters took the plot into their own hands and I arrived at this chapter very unexpectedly. I also step away from the fandom stereotype of Craig being completely unemotional and cold. I actually think that there's a lot of going on inside him, he just doesn't know how to show it, and considering the family environment that he grows into, it's not surprising that he's willing to suppress all his feelings, in order to not appear weak.
Anyway, please, tell me what you think of this chapter, I`ll be so glad to get your feedback
Thanks again for reading :)