Thirty Ways to Annoy Arthur Pendragon

A Guide from the Expert (Rules and Regulations, anyone?)

ONE. Pronounce everyone's name the way he does Merlin's. (Arthur, Uther, Gaius, Morgana…)

TWO. Call Gwen 'Guinevere' with lots of looks in his direction.

THREE. Ask if he ever regrets not killing his father that one time, all things considered.

FOUR. Refer to his sword as his "personal innuendo." (Come on, you know it's true… That sword, lol…)

FIVE. Beat up on Merlin. (This is greatly effective, as, you know, ONLY ARTHUR is allowed to try and kill his servant.)

SIX. Every time he looks at a woman, throw up your arms in frustration and cry, "That's it! ANOTHER LOVE SPELL! Go get Gaius, Merlin; here we go again!"

SEVEN. Say you're not sure any knight can be considered "good" if they can't even beat their own bed draperies… (Goblin's Gold)

EIGHT. Every time he stops and talks to Morgana, scream, "EW! INCEST! EWWW! STOP IT, PLEASE!"

NINE. Order him to take off his shirt at random times, like dinner, in Gaius's, while training with the knights, etc. If he ignores you, fuse in some warnings so he'll have to take it off: "Stop, drop, and roll! Fire!" (Not only is this great fun, but you entertain the fangirls.)

TEN. Ask him about his sleep attire: "No shirt at all, but your daytime pants? How is that comfortable? Who does that?"

ELEVEN. See how he likes having things chunked at HIS head from behind. (Hmph.)

TWELVE. Tell him Gaius wants to check him for brain damage after the number of times he's been knocked out.

THIRTEEN. Tell him he probably needs to lock his door more often, especially if he's going to keep very important things in his chambers and not wear a shirt to bed. "You don't even want to KNOW the number of people who've watched you sleep…" Including us viewers.

FOURTEEN. Give him a nightshirt for a birthday present.

FIFTEEN. If he doesn't want it, tell him it's to cut down on the Merthur fanfictions (And in the TV show, because there are times when I really wonder whose side those writers are on!).

SIXTEEN. If he starts a sentence with, "I think" cut him off and shout "YOU THINK?"

SEVENTEEN. Tell him he didn't kill the dragon.

EIGHTEEN. Tell him he didn't kill the undead army.

NINETEEN. Tell him that not only did he not kill the pixie/Sidhe thingy, he was too stupid to even notice it existed!

TWENTY. Tell him that Merlin's WAYYYY hotter than he is. If he fails to be impressed, sing Merlin's praises until he starts to run his fingers through his hair in that exasperated way he has.

TWENTY-ONE. Ask if he wants to talk about his feelings for Gwen.

TWENTY-TWO. Ask him how, if he's had those terrible reflexes in battle all his life (spears to his sideand back, anyone?), he managed to live past age 12?

TWENTY-THREE. When he says, "No man is worth your tears," respond with: "Yeah? No man? How about when Uther was dying and you 'just needed him to live'? How about then? WHY'D YOU CRY THEN! How about when you die? DO YOU WANT NO ONE TO CRY THEN? GEEZ!" (The Last Dragonlord.)

TWENTY-FOUR. When he gets knocked out, misses Merlin using magic, and then wakes up, meet him with the statement: "Oh, now you're just playing dumb to drag out the plot."

TWENTY-FIVE. Follow him around everywhere. When he asks what the heck you think you're doing, respond that you're waiting for the reveal… "It's coming any moment now… Surely they can't hold it off any longer?"

TWENTY-SIX. Ask if the reason he wants Merlin to learn to knock so badly is that he's hiding Gwen in his chambers somewhere.

TWENTY-SEVEN. Tell him Merlin's a lover, not a fighter! And that he's a little man, not big enough to fill his armor… If you can do this in Morgana's voice, it works better. (The Poisoned Chalice.)

TWENTY-EIGHT. Say, "Oh, you really, truly never saw the Morgana-taking-Camelot thing coming? Really? Because you missed the smirks thrown your way for A YEAR?"

TWENTY-NINE. Tell him he's his father's son. No other admonishment necessary. (A/N: Just kidding, I LOVE Uther. He's my favorite…)

THIRTY. Sic Sir Elyan on him, loaded full of rumors about Gwen and Arthur and other not-kid-show stuff he won't like hearing. Watch Arthur try to talk his way out of THAT one.

THIRTY-ONE. Ask if he judges the knights he'll accept to the Round Table by their attractiveness on the "hot scale" first, and swordfighting skills second.

THIRTY-TWO. Explain to him that the sorceresses in red are ALWAYS the bad guys, the ones who chuckle evilly usually ARE evil, and the ones who refuse to talk above a very creepy whisper are usually not too reputable either.

THIRTY-TWO. Laugh at him for not even noticing that I posted more than thirty ways to annoy him and number 32 twice. Oblivious much?

A/N: He's just too easy to annoy. Love him. Please, please review? I know Gwaine's is short, but I'd appreciate reviews for him too. :) I'll send more when I can. You'll probably get Morgana, too, I think...