AN: Wow, it has been forever since I last posted to this collection of oneshots – let alone to any of my other actual story stories. For anyone who has read my other works, I'm sorry, I've honestly had more important things going on in my life but maybe once things settle down I can get back to what I love (apparently family trips, high school, senior year, scholarships, a divorce, and getting ready for college take up time – who knew?)

Anyways, I was listening to the song Popular from the musical Wicked and this just hit me. It was like BOOM! The majority of the dialogue is actually the song (I took the song word for word) – so if you haven't heard the song you really should check it out on Youtube (it will make the story so much funnier if you know the melody of the song).

The only real part of dialogue (and story for that matter) that is original and belongs to me is what's in normal type. Anything in italics is either the name of the song and its source (on one occasion) or more likely the actual lyrics to the song.

So, in case you haven't figured it out by this long AN (and if you're still reading this) I suppose I must say that no, I do not own any of the characters, or places, or the song that are featured in this story. I really wish I did, but, alas, I don't. So don't send me to court! (No one would do that right)? Now stop reading this insanely long AN and read the stupid story!

~ Sincerely, Jillion Tealleaf

***Diner time in the Great Hall***

The mark of the Dark Lord burned into his skin – indicating that Severus Snape's master requested – demanded nicely actually – his presence was needed at the, now rundown, Malfoy Manor. Grumbling about having to leave his spotted dick, after all, being the headmaster at Hogwarts should allow for some…well, allowances on his master's behalf.

"Minerva, I have to go appease someone. Make sure these brats don't burn down the castle while I am gone." Snape said as he got to his feet and quickly – though evilly and dramatically – pranced out of the Great Hall and apparated away.

***Two minutes later in the dining room of Malfoy Manor***

Dropping to his knee, Snape bowed before the most evil and magnificent Voldemort, before quickly scanning the room. "My lord, you wished to speak with me? May I inquire as to where your other faithful followers are?"

"You may not. Now, Severus, how long have you been in my service?"

"For a total of eight years, split between your two separate and glorious reigns."

"They have been glorious, haven't they?" With a shake of his wrist the Dark Lord dismissed that thought and proceeded. "I called you hear today to discuss a matter that may be just as important to our war effort as the death of Harry Potter…your popularity. Sevy, now that we are friends I have decided to make you my new project."

"You really don't have to do that." Snape protested, looking horrified at his lord.

"I know…that's what makes me so nice…CUE MUSIC!" Voldemort yelled the last bit as Theodore Nott Sr. and Wormtail magically restrained him to a cushy armchair and leaned over him menacingly with their wands, some anti-greasing gel, and some combs and brushes.

With the tinkling of the bells the music from Popular, from the hit Broadway musical, Wicked, started playing as the Dark Lord pulled off his cloak to reveal Fluorescent pink and purple polka-dotted robes and started singing:

"Whenever I see someone less fortunate than I – and let's face it, who isn't less fortunate than I – my tender heart tends to start to bleed.

And when someone needs a makeover I simply have to take over; I know I know exactly what they need.

"And even in your case – though it's the toughest case I have yet to face – don't worry I'm determined to succeed.

Just follow my lead. And yes…indeed…you…will…be…Popular.

"You're gonna be pop-u-lar.

I'll teach you the proper poise when you talk to boys, little ways to flirt and flounce.

Oh!

I'll show you what shoes to wear and how to fix your hair – everything that really counts to be popular.

I'll help you be popular.

You'll hang with the right cohorts, you'll be good at sports, know the slang you've got to know.

So let's start because you've got a really long way to go.

"Don't be offended by my frank analysis.

Think of it as personality dialysis.

Now that I've chosen to become a philanthropist – or an adviser – there's nobody wiser when it comes to popular.

I know about pop-uuuuu-lar.

And with an assist from me, to who'll you'll be - instead of dreary - who you were, well are.

There's nothing that can stop you from becoming pop-u-lar…lar.

A dance line of deatheaters wearing florescent chorus girls outfits enters from out of nowhere doing the can-can while singing,

"Laaaaaaaaaaaa, laaaaaaa, laaaaaaaaaaaaa, laaaaaa."

During the "la las" the Dark Lord took a breath before continuing - with his can-caning followers joining in,

"We're gonna make you pop-u-lar."

Going to solo-mode again, Voldemort continued,

"When I see depressing creatures with unprepossessing features,

I remind them, on their own behalf to think of celebrated heads of states or especially great communicators," (Pictures of Dumbledore and Grinderwald were held up.)

"Did they have brains or knowledge?

Don't make me laugh!

Haha.

They were popular!

Please, it's all about popular.

It's not about aptitude; it's about how you're viewed.

So it's very shrewd to be very, very popular – like me!"

Voldemort finished his song with a very loud and off-key crescendo, before taking a bow and looking approvingly at his newly transformed deatheater before saying "Why, Mister Severus, look at you. You're beautiful. I really do think that the pink sundress with bright orange sunflowers goes perfectly with your long, curled, purple hair. You look far less drab – as if you have more pizzazz!"

"I…I have to go." Snape stuttered out when he saw his own image in a full-length mirror held up by Bellatrix. After forgetting to bow he turned around and practically ran out of the room screaming at the top of his lungs.

"You're welcome…

In the background the music started up again as Voldemort began doing his encore for the room of applauding – and gaudily dressed – deatheaters.

"And though you protest your disinterest, I know clandestinely….

You're gonna grin and bear it, your new found popularity!

Ah!

Laaaaaaaaaaa, laaaaaaaaaaaa, laaaaaaaa, laaaaaaaa!

You'll be popular – just not quite as popular as Meeeee!"

***Hogwarts Great Hall***

Severus Snape stormed through the huge doors leading into the Great Hall – once again interrupting the student's dinner. Once he got to his seat at the head of the staff table he shrieked "Each and every one of you little snot-nosed brats is getting five detentions for not electing me the most popular man in Britain! Now all of you off to bed!"

Raising his hand, Neville Longbottom half-rose out of his seat and said timidly, "But sir, it's still light outside and we have home-"

"BED! NOW! YOU UNFORGIVING LITTLE MONSTERS!" Snape half sobbed and half roared.

The entire student body filed out of the Great Hall, each barely daring to breathe. Once everyone had departed and was in their dorms Professor McGonagall turned her head and asked, "Severus, is that bright pink nail polish on your fingers?"

AN: Okay, so as I said, it has been forever since I have posted on . I know I have been neglecting my other stories – for like a year or two. It is really sad. Anyways, maybe this will give me the push to start posting again….maybe, we'll see. With starting college in 18 days I may focus more on that, but we'll see. Anyways, I hope you all enjoyed this. It truly was a 'spur of the moment' thing. Please review!