disclaimer-i do not own junjou romantica or egoist or the characters blah blah blah

..............

Hiroki laid there in bed the rain pounding against window, a feeling of anxiety was haunting him. He tried to fall asleep but he couldn't, a clap of thunder rang through his ears a flash lighting up the dark room for a split second. He felt like his heart was pounding in his chest, like it was becoming hard to breath. He cursed this he cursed it all. Why should someone....like him....have such power over him. Why should such a brat like Nowaki be able to do this to him.

He tugged the covers up over his shoulder trying to create a shield for himself, trying to escape from the cold unforgiving world outside. He let out a shaking breath, maybe Miyagi was right it wasn't good to keep all of this inside of him.....but he couldn't help it, it was in his nature to keep everyone outside. He frowned and let his hazel colored eyes drift downward.

What a pitiful way to live. He couldn't help it, his armor was apart of him, he couldn't discard it, it was impossible.

"Nowaki....why you, why did it have to be you" he asked in a silent voice as the storm raged outside lighting flashing across the midnight sky. "Why you of all people, why did it have to be you, why, why Nowaki, why you" he asked in a mourning tone.

He closed his eyes, he just wanted to sleep, to escape from this world he tried so desperately to hide from. Right now Hiroki wanted nothing more then to become invisible, it was his one and only true wish. To become something no one would notice, to blend in to the point were no one could see him. It was all he wanted.

He waited for sleep to overtake him, but it seemed as if it would never come. The truth of it all was now becoming impossible to ignore, the painful truth of it all was that his armor was shattering. His cover was fading away, and soon he would have to face the world, that was the part that scared him the most. That he could not let happen. So......Hiroki on that night finally came...to a decision.

The final decision to stop his pain, to make it so that the horrible truth could never happen......

he had to leave Nowaki.

.................

Nowaki meanwhile was still sitting on the couch thinking over his own thoughts. He didn't know what Hiroki was feeling. For he was never the one to hide from people, he spoke his mind and showed his feelings. He wished Hiroki would do the same but.....it seemed almost impossible.

How can you change a person, who's been like that their whole life. How can you change something thats become a part of you. This was the real question.

How?

How?

How was he suppose to do such a thing, such a deed that seemed in vain. Nowaki rested his head in his hand, the only thing he ever wanted was for Hiroki to be happy. He had promised him that, and he could not go back on his promise. Yet, how could fulfill it now.

It came down to one thing.......who was stronger......the armor.....

or him.

..............

That night during the storm both boys had suffered in their thoughts unable to fall asleep. It had been the worst night of their entire lives.

Once morning had come Hiroki seemed in a rush to get out of the house, he needed to think, to think over his decision. He ran out the door and started down the streets, he stared at the ground.

/How am I suppose to do this to him, how can I do this, it pains me to admit it.....but Nowaki is my one weakness....and some how I've grown to need him. So much so that I can't be without him, I hate him so much for doing this, and yet I love him. I hate him for that as well, and I love him. I can't stop hating him for what he does to me and for that same reason I love him, and I hate him for making me love him, and for that reason.....I can't help love him more./

Hiroki neared the University and walked down the deserted halls coming to the door of his office. He opened it and stepped inside.

"Kamijou, you look horrible, you look like you haven't slept all night" Miyagi said looking at the assistant professor.

"I assure you I'm fine" he replied sitting down. He looked down at his desk the same type of sorrow lurking beneath them.

/I love him....i love him so much and for that reason I hate him.....I hate him for loving me...and I love him because I hate him/

A feeling of anxiety and distress swept over him, he let his head fall in his hands. The sky was a dark grey color this morning. Miyagi looked at the younger brunette with a frown, sensing the younger ones distress.

"Kamijou, I told you you shouldn't keep everything to yourself all the time" he said. "If you do its going to tear you apart, if you keep it to yourself for to long it'll destroy you" he said. Hiroki looked down.

"What would you know about that professor" he asked a slight sound of spite in his voice. His brows furrowed slightly in a pained look. "How would you know a damn about how I feel right now" he asked his voice practically shaking. "You don't know everything about me......" he said. "My life is none of your business, so stop acting like you already know everything about how I feel right now.......you don't know a damn about how I feel" he said.

There was no reply thought from the older professor. He simply frowned at the man. This is why he urged the man to tell him his problems, for the others armor was only going to make him suffer. For the armor was made to keep everything inside, and this would be the end to him, because now nothing could come out, the armor would keep it in so that eventually it would kill him from the inside.

He turned around in his chair with a frown, he was only digging his own grave.

Hiroki sat there dealing with his inner conflict.

/I have to get away from him, it the only way......its the only way I can keep on living, if I keep him around, it will only end with my armor shattering to pieces. I love him so much, and thats why I have to leave him, no matter how much I love him, I have to hide form him, just like everyone else, if I stay with him any longer, he'll be the death of me. Thats why I must leave him/

Hiroki felt as if he could cry at his thoughts.

"Why.....why you" he whispered inaudibly.

"Why did it have to be you".

TBC

WAAAAA poor Hiroki hey by the way the music I'm listening to while writing this story really sets the mood nicely if you want to knwo what it is its from the soundtrack of Wolf's Rain its called "Rakuen"