The Booshy Horror Show Chapter 4: Learn the Score, Vince Noir, a mighty boosh fanfic

Length is a word thrown around all too often these days, or at least it is on the sites I frequent. But this is an example of length we can all enjoy. I've also noticed an excess of Bs in this chapter- it had Bad rhymes, Bestiality, BDSM, Bob Fossil, Borderline dub-con, Bryan Ferry, and healthy amounts of Bottom-squeezing. I hope you enjoy it. I certainly did.

Bob Fossil sits in his office.

Fossil: There are some people that say that life is an illusion, and that reality is just a figment of our imaginations. If this is true, then it wouldn't really matter if you went to bed with me or not because you, me and the bed aren't really there and nothing's going on, so you might as well give it a try. It's just down the street from here, or if you prefer there's a nice hotel not far away-

A sound is heard from the walkie-talkie. Fossil picks it up, holds it to his ear and listens. Then he turns back to us.

Fossil: Life is not an illusion. That also has the extra disadvantage of meaning that Vince and Howard definitely weren't safe, especially when the other guests left, their host disappeared to make big perverted bouncy-bouncy with the guy that used to be dead, and they got shown into separate rooms.

In the castle, Vince gets shoved into a soft pink room. He removes his robe, noticing the camera positioned over the bed and makes a sexy pose for it, before he gets into bed and settles down for the night. The room gets darker as a while passes, and then a knock is heard on the door.

Vince: Who is it?

The door opens and Howard appears in silhouette.

Howard: Shh, it's only me, Vince.

Vince (giggling): Oh, Howard, come in.

He moves the covers aside and Howard, still silhouetted against the bed curtains joins him in bed, immediately getting on top of him and kissing him.

Vince: Oh, Howard!

He giggles in a very obviously aroused way. Their silhouetted figures move in the bed, inviting us to wonder whether they are still just kissing.

Vince: Oh, god, Howard, yes! But what if-

Howard: Don't worry, Vince. Everything's going to be okay.

Vince: Oh god, oh, Howard…

Vince grabs Howard's hair as they make love, only to squeal as it comes off in his hand. Howard lifts his head up, revealing that he is actually Dennis.

Vince: You!

Dennis: I'm afraid so, Vincey. But isn't it nice?

He gets down to pick up where he left off, but Vince pushes him and pounds him away until Vince is in a sitting position and Dennis is knelt on his legs.

Vince: You bastard! What have you done with Howard?

Dennis laughs, mockingly.

Dennis: Nothing. Why? Do you think I should?

Vince: You tricked me! I wouldn't have- I couldn't-

Dennis: I know. But it wasn't all bad, was it? I think you found it quite pleasurable. Just like you used to. Didn't you, Vince? You've missed this. You've missed every little movement feeling so soft, so sensual…

He leans back over Vince, pushing him back into a lying position, and kisses Vince's cheeks before moving down to his neck and chest.

Vince: No- stop! I mean- help! Howard!

Dennis desists kissing Vince's navel and puts a finger to his lips.

Dennis: Shh! Howard will be asleep by now. And would you really want him to see you…

He grabs Vince's ankles and pulls them up, so Vince is lying on his back with his legs in the air.

Dennis: … like this!

Vince sits up and pounds Dennis again.

Vince: Like what? This is your fault! I've been saving myself ever since Howard took me to that church and made me do that born again ceremony!

Dennis kisses Vince.

Dennis: Well, I'm sure you're not spent yet.

He leans in to kiss Vince, but Vince holds him back.

Vince: Promise you won't tell Howard?

Dennis: Cross my heart and hope to die.

He pushes Vince back down, making him squeal and kick his legs up in the air. Up in Dennis' lair, Naboo and Bollo are watching them on a screen. Bollo, without interest, pretends to push a mop around, Naboo just stands there. He glances over to Saboo, who is sleeping, chained to the large bed through the curtains. He smiles conspiratorially at Bollo, who smiles wickedly back. Slowly, he approaches the sleeping Saboo, takes a carved candelabrum from beside the bed and roughly prods Saboo with it. When Saboo wakes, alarmed, Naboo shoves the lit candles into his face. Saboo tries to turn away, but Naboo runs around the other side to torment him further. Unsure how far Naboo will take this, Saboo gets up and tries to run, breaking free from his chains and jumping down the lift shaft. Naboo chases him, and as he reaches the lift shaft, he holds the candelabrum out to Bollo, and the two of them pelt him with candles, laughing. When Saboo has gone, Naboo and Bollo elbow sex, and then Naboo leaps at Bollo, kissing and sucking at his chest. Meanwhile, Howard is sleeping soundly in his room, until he is awoken by the slam of the door and a silhouetted figure jumping into bed with him.

Vince: Howard! Howard! It's no good here! I want to leave!

Howard reaches up and pulls him down onto him into a cuddle.

Howard: Don't you worry, Vincey. We'll be away from here in the morning.

Vince: Oh, Howard, you're so strong and protective…

Howard laughs, rubbing his hands along Vince's body, coming up to his head, where he is distressed to find that Vince's hair has come off. Vince lifts his head, once again revealing himself to actually be Dennis.

Howard: You!

Dennis: I'm afraid so, Howard. But isn't it nice?

Dennis leans down on Howard again, but Howard pushes him away, a little more roughly than Vince did earlier.

Howard: Why you! What have you done with Vince?

Dennis: Nothing. Why? Do you think I should?

Howard: You tricked me- I wouldn't have. I've never- never… never…

He looks away, ashamed.

Dennis: Oh yes, I know. But it wasn't all bad, was it? Not even half bad.

He leans down, pushing Howard into a lying position and kissing his face, neck and chest, exactly as he did with Vince.

Dennis: I think you really quite enjoyed it. So soft, so sensual…

Dennis moves down to Howard's navel.

Howard (gasping): No! Stop, stop! Oh, Vince… (Suddenly shrieking.) Vince!

Dennis stops immediately and shushes him.

Dennis: Shh! Vince is probably asleep by now. Do you want him to see you…

He grabs Howard's ankles and pulls them up as he did with Vince, so that Howard is on his back with his legs in the air.

Dennis: … like this?

Howard shoves him away.

Howard: Like this? Like how? This is your fault! You're to blame! I thought it was the real thing!

He holds a finger threateningly in Dennis' face, only to pull it back when Dennis sexily tries to bite it.

Dennis: Oh, come on Howard, admit it. You liked it, didn't you? There's no crime in giving yourself over to pleasure.

He leans his face to Howard's.

Dennis (seductively): Howard… you've wasted so much time already.

He holds Howard around the waist and trails kisses down his neck and chest.

Dennis: And Vince needn't know. I won't tell him.

He moves his kisses down lower, down to Howard's navel.

Howard: You promise you won't tell Vince?

Dennis moves his kisses right down to Howard's cock.

Dennis: On my mother's grave.

Suddenly, a bizarre alarm sounds, and Naboo's voice interrupts the scene.

Naboo: Oi, Dennis. Saboo's broken his chains and vanished. Your new playmate's loose and somewhere- Bollo, get off!- and somewhere in the castle grounds. Bollo's just- oooohhh!!!- Bollo's just released the dogs.

Dennis groans.

Dennis: Alright, I'm coming!

He looks back down at Howard, before bearing down on his cock once more. As this is happening, Vince has run from his room and is pelting through various rooms of the castle.

Vince: What's happening here? Where's Howard? Where's anybody?

He stumbles into the lift to Dennis' lair, on the verge of tears.

Vince: Oh, Howard, darling, how could I have done this to you? After you went on about it so much.

The lift rises and he enters the lair.

Vince: If only we hadn't gone to see Bryan Ferry! If only the car hadn't broken down! If only we were amongst friends! Or sane persons!

Fossil is in his office, with the dictionary open.

Fossil: "If" and "only"- two small words, that I can spell- words that kept repeating themselves on Vince's thoughts. But it was too late to go back now. Incidentally, that isn't a situation that applies to us. I'm not allowed to interrupt the story to take you home, but it'll be pretty late when I'm done, but if you're up for it… give me your number, okay.

In Dennis' lair, Saboo enters behind Vince. They spin to face each other, both skittering nervously.

Saboo: Oh. It's you. Look, I'm trying to hide from my creator and… the others. They scare me. I feel that all is not well here. I have been thinking a lot about… Joey. I have a feeling of foreboding.

Vince: It's all like some terrible dream.

Saboo: Is it true you don't like men who are almost as pretty as you are?

Vince: Well…

Saboo: Have you got any lip gloss?

Vince passes him some, and Saboo applies it, looking at his reflection in a strange screen, which is switched off.

Vince: I'm engaged to Howard, just like Leroy was to Lester Cornflakes. But Dennis overwhelmed me with an ecstasy I thought I'd forgotten. Hot, burning kisses… and I could see Howard's face in front of me and my mind screamed "No!"- but my lips were hungry, and my body was hungry, too hungry. I wanted to be loved, and loved completely, like I was before. Like Howard won't, not till… Oh, Howard, how could I?

Saboo: This room is like a womb to me.

Vince: Yeah, there you go, you see- it's instinctive. You come here for one thing- security. Oh, where's Howard? Howard, what have they done to you?

He goes to the screen and pulls a switch on it. It slowly comes into focus, to reveal Howard and Dennis banging like bunnies in heat.

Saboo: You can't trust anyone.

Vince: Howard… how could you? You… hypocrite!

He punches the screen, doing his best to mask how much this hurts.

Fossil is now looking at a detailed shot-by-shot breakdown of Howard's encounter with Dennis. He sits, staring, for several minutes before he notices us and finally speaks.

Fossil: Oh, yeah. Um, basically, when you've humped someone and you feel really bad about it, because apparently that happens. I've never felt it myself; maybe it was bad sex. I'm easily pleased. So, y'know, don't be scared or nothing. But when you do that, you'd think that you'd be okay if someone else humped somebody who wasn't you, but you won't. Don't I know you won't. And that's why I'm not married any more.

Back in the lair, Vince is staring at the many cuts and dog bites on Saboo's body.

Vince: I'm sorry. I didn't notice you were hurt. Did they do this to you?

Saboo nods.

Vince: Here, let me get it for you.

He rips a strip of material from the bottom of his underskirt and wraps it around Saboo's arm, continuing to rip until there is very little underskirt left. The four Phantoms have reappeared, and are hanging around the rafters watching the scene.

Phantoms: Tell us about it, Vince!

Vince (singing): I was feeling done in,

Couldn't win.

I'd only ever kissed since him.

Phantom 1: You mean they…?

Phantom 2: Uh huh.

Vince (singing): He said there's no use getting

Into heavy petting;

It only leads to trouble and

Seat wetting.

He breaks into a sly grin and leans closer to Saboo.

Vince (singing): But now all that I need

Is to feel-

I've tasted blood and I want more.

Phantoms (singing): More, more, more!

Vince tears another piece from his underskirt, leaving no front left on it.

Vince (singing): I'll put up no resistance.

I want to stay the distance.

I've got an itch to scratch-

I need assistance!

He jumps on the altar and throws his arms around Saboo.

Vince (singing): Toucha toucha toucha touch me!

I wanna be dirty!

Thrill me, chill me, fulfil me,

Creature of the night!

Vince gets up, hooking his fingers under Saboo's skintight tunic and advancing on him raunchily.

Vince (singing): And if anything grows

While you pose,

He moves his hands up to Saboo's chest, fingering his nipples and rubbing any bare skin he can get his hands on.

Vince (singing): I'll oil you up and rub you down.

Phantoms (singing): Down, down, down!

Vince (singing): And that's just one small fraction

Of the main attraction.

You need a friendly hand,

And I need action!

Vince continues to grope Saboo, and Saboo clamps his hands around Vince's backside, squeezing eagerly.

Vince (singing): Toucha toucha toucha touch me!

I wanna be dirty!

Thrill me, chill me, fulfil me,

Creature of the night!

The Phantoms pair off, mockingly groping each other, doing anything to get into each other's t-shirts. They sing a mockery of Vince's earnest attempt at seduction.

Phantom 1 (singing): Toucha toucha toucha touch me!

Phantom 2 (singing): I wanna be dirty!

Phantom 3 (singing): Thrill me, chill me, fulfil me!

Phantom 4 (singing): Creature of the night!

Vince and Saboo are now wriggling around on top of each other on the altar, holding, squeezing, groping, rubbing, kissing, spanking, sucking, biting, thrusting.

Vince (singing): Toucha toucha toucha touch me!

Oh, I wanna be dirty!

Thrill me, chill me, fulfil me,

Creature of the night!

Saboo (singing): Creature of the night.

Phantom 1 (singing): Creature of the night.

Phantom 2 (singing): Creature of the night.

Phantom 3 (singing): Creature of the night.

Phantom 4 (singing): Creature of the night.

Vince (singing): Creature of the night!

Later on, the lift rises again. Naboo exits first, crying out as Dennis follows, smacking him with a whip. Howard stands behind them, not seeming to react to anything.

Naboo: Ow, Dennis, get off you ballbag!

Dennis whacks him again.

Dennis: How did it happen? I understood you were to be watching.

He whips Naboo.

Naboo (wincing): I was only away for a minute… (scornfully) master.

Dennis whips him again.

Dennis: See if you can find him on the monitor.

Dennis sends Naboo off with one final lash. Howard looks faintly shocked. Naboo messes with the screen, and gasps as he sees someone outside.

Naboo: Dennis, have a look at this.

Dennis and Howard both cross to look at the screen. Howard grins.

Howard: Hey, Bryan!

Dennis and Naboo stare at him suspiciously.

Howard: It's Bryan Ferry.

Naboo: You know this person.

Howard: Of course I do. He happens to be a friend of mine. He adopted Vince as a child.

Dennis: I see. So this wasn't simply a chance meeting?

He pokes Howard roughly with the whip.

Dennis: You came here with a purpose.

Howard: I told you; my car broke down. I was telling the truth.

Dennis: I know what you told me, Howard, but this Bryan Ferry; his name is not unknown to me.

Howard: But he was a singer, from Roxy Music. He went solo in the eighties, until he started a dubious business selling young people as manual slave labour and construction supplies.

Dennis: And now he works for your government, doesn't he.

Howard: What?

Dennis shoves Howard with the whip handle with every word.

Dennis: He's attached to the Bureau of Investigation into that which you call the Black Arts! Necromancy, curses, summoning, nigromancy, thought control, reanimation- he would have all of my powers stripped from me! Isn't that right, Howard?

Howard: It might be!

Dennis raises the whip.

Dennis: Is it?

Howard: I don't know!

Naboo: He's got into the building.

Dennis: Shit- he'll probably be in the Zen room.

Bryan Ferry looks around a smoky room- less a Zen room, more of a warehouse. He examines the label on a crate of poppers, seeming to find something incriminating there. Back in his lair, Dennis grins wickedly and picks up some shamanic artefact.

Dennis: Shall we enquire of him in person?

He recites some strange words, and Bryan Ferry is suddenly pulled from the Zen room by an invisible force, moving through the house, up staircases and around an unconcerned-looking Bollo, who is smoking and reading a gorilla-porn mag, and Tony, who is making some attempt to paint Bollo's toenails. Eventually he is pulled straight through the wall of Dennis' lair, coming to a stop at Dennis' feet.

Dennis: Excuse me, I seem to have buggered that up a bit.

Bryan: Dennis, the self-appointed Head Shaman. We meet at last.

Dennis coldly regards him. Howard rushes up to meet him.

Howard: Bryan Ferry!

Bryan: Howard? What are you doing here?

Dennis: Don't play with me, Ferry, you know perfectly well what Howard Moon is doing here. It was part of your plan, was it not, that he and his little boyfriend should check the layout for you. Well, unfortunately for you all, the plans are to be changed. I hope you're adaptable, Ferry. I know Howard is.

Bryan: I can assure you that Howard's presence here comes as a complete surprise to me. I came here to find Joey.

Howard: Joey? He was here-

Dennis: What do you know of Joey Moose, Ferry?

Bryan: I happen to know many things. You see, I took Joey on as a sort of surrogate son after he escaped the zoo he was mutated in, after my last adopted child became an insufferable brat and had to be sold on.

Vince (from under a sheet on the altar): What d'you mean, "insufferable brat"?

Dennis strides over to the altar and pulls off the sheet, revealing Saboo still lying there with his tunic hitched up and Vince, knickers down and one bra strap off his shoulder, lying on top of him.

Bryan: Vince!

Vince: Bryan!

Howard: Vince!

Vince: Howard!

Dennis: Saboo!

Bryan: Vince!

Vince: Bryan!

Howard: Vince!

Vince: Howard!

Dennis: Saboo!

Bryan: Vince!

Vince: Bryan!

Howard: Vince!

Vince: Howard!

Dennis: Saboo!

Saboo: Piss off.

Dennis: Listen- I made you, and I can break you just as easily.

He is interrupted by the bang of a huge gong, held up by Bollo, who is wearing a short sheer dress which leaves nothing to the imagination.

Bollo: Dinner ready.

Dennis (grimacing): Thank you, Bollo.

He glares at Vince.

Dennis: Given the circumstances, formal dress is to be optional.

Fossil sits in his office with a bucket of KFC.

Fossil (with mouth full): Food has always been pretty important to life's rituals. Throwing bread at geese, that last meal my brother had when they found out what happened to his wife, the licking of the chocolate sauce off you later… yeah, and then they all ate some food in the castle.

Dennis sits at the head of a table, opposite Bryan Ferry. Howard and Vince sit on one side, Saboo and Tony, who is on top of a large pile of cushions, on the other. Bollo shoves open the doors, and he and Naboo wheel in a dinner cart. Naboo removes the cover from the plate, revealing a huge hunk of some unidentifiable meat. He dumps it on the table before Dennis, who cuts it with his bloody ceremonial knife. Naboo goes around the table filling various vessels with wine, not really caring where he spills it, and Bollo dumps meat on everyone's plate, beginning with Dennis and moving around so that Vince is last.

Vince: Erm, cheers, I'll just have the vegetarian, thanks.

Howard: Vince, don't be ungrateful.

Vince: It's my one principle, Howard. You're always going on about principles, and now you put down the one principle I've actually got. You're such a hypocrite.

Howard: Well it's a very on-and-off principle, isn't it. You know what's in those sweets?

Vince: No.

Howard leans over and whispers in his ear. Vince's face falls in shock and disgust.

Vince: You're joking?

Howard (smirking): Sorry, little man.

Vince stares down at the meat in front of him.

Vince: I'm not eating that.

Howard: You'll eat it, my darling. I don't like to think what they might do if you don't.

Vince: I don't care what they do. They know nothing about fancy dinner parties. Look, they've got me drinking out of a used jar.

Howard: That doesn't matter. It's the atmosphere that's important.

Vince: What atmosphere? The funeral of someone you didn't even like in the first place?

Howard: Vince, shut up.

He reaches down and smacks Vince's thigh. At that moment, Dennis holds up his glass, which incidentally is the only proper wine glass in the room.

Dennis: A toast; to absent friends.

The others, muttering "to absent friends" raise their mugs, jars etc and drink a toast.

Dennis: Shall we?

Everyone except Vince digs in. Vince sits there, prodding his meat with a fork a little bit and trying not to become too annoyed by Howard's angry poking.

Bryan: We came here to discuss Joey.

Tony (excited): Joey?

Dennis none-too-carefully waves the knife in his face.

Dennis: That's a rather tender subject. Another slice, anyone?

Vince has begun to cotton on to what's going on, and puts his fork down. Howard hesitates, but carries on eating. Tony shares an apprehensive look with Vince across the table, who nods.

Tony: Excuse me.

Tony launches himself from his chair to the dinner cart and rides it silently out of the room. As soon as he is gone from view, there is a mournful cry.

Tony: Nooooooooooooooooooo, this is an outrage!

Bryan: I knew Joey was in with a bad crowd, but this is worse than I thought.

(singing) From the day he was changed, he was trouble,

He was the pain in his father's arse.

I tried in vain,

But he never brought me nothing but shame.

When he left me it was like a bad stage farce.

And from the day he was gone,

All he wanted

Was extraterrestrial porn and a saxophone.

Shooting up junk,

he was a low-down cheap little punk,

Taking everyone for a ride.

Bryan/ Naboo/ Bollo/ Howard/ Vince/ Saboo (singing): When Joey knows he really wants to blow ye

You know he was a no good kid,

But when he threatens your life with fangs, claws and a knife…

Dennis (singing): What a guy.

Vince (singing): Makes you cry.

Bryan (singing): And I did.

Outside, Tony is sitting on the cart feeling sorry for himself.

Tony (singing): Everybody shoved him,

I very nearly loved him.

I said "Oi! Listen to me!

Stay sane inside insanity!"

But he locked the door and threw away the key.

Bryan (singing): But he must have been drawn into something,

Making him warn me in a note which reads-

Howard, Vince and Saboo rush over to him to see his note.

Howard/ Vince/ Saboo/ Naboo/ Bollo (singing): What's it say, what's it say?

Bryan (singing with an uncanny impersonation of Joey): I'm out of my head,

Oh, hurry, or I may be dead.

They mustn't carry out their evil deeds.

AAAAAAAARRGGHH!!!

Bryan/ Naboo/ Bollo/ Howard/ Vince/ Saboo (singing): When Joey knows he really wants to blow ye

You know he was a no good kid,

But when he threatens your life with fangs, claws and a knife…

Dennis (singing): What a guy.

Vince (singing): Makes you cry.

Bryan (singing): And I did.

Bryan/ Naboo/ Bollo/ Howard/ Vince/ Saboo (singing): When Joey knows he really wants to blow ye

You know he was a no good kid,

But when he threatens your life with fangs, claws and a knife…

Dennis (singing): What a guy.

Naboo/ Bollo/ Howard/ Saboo (singing): Whoa-oh-oh…

Vince (singing): Makes you cry.

Naboo/ Bollo/ Howard/ Saboo (singing): Hey hey hey…

Bryan (singing): And I did.

Naboo/ Bollo/ Howard/ Vince/ Saboo (singing): Joey…

Naboo and Bollo move in closer as Dennis gets up. Bollo is about to say something, but Naboo shushes him and Bollo groans. Calmly, Dennis pulls away the tablecloth, revealing Joey's mutilated corpse. Bryan shrieks. Vince looks at Howard with a slightly ill look on his face.

Vince: Gutted.

Howard reaches out to hold him, but Vince pushes him away and runs for Saboo instead. Saboo holds him smugly.

Dennis: Saboo! How dare you?

He runs up to them and throws Saboo off Vince. With Saboo out of the way, Dennis rounds on Vince and slaps him brutally across the face. Vince runs away and Dennis gives chase, with Howard, Bryan and Saboo following after. Naboo and Bollo hang back, laughing their heads off.

Naboo: Bollo, shut up.

Bollo keeps on laughing. Dennis chases Vince up the stairs, putting his arms around him to trap him between Dennis' body and the banister.

Dennis (singing): I'll tell you once,

But no more,

You better learn the score, Vince Noir.

You're not so sweet, you little whore,

You better learn the score, Vince Noir.

Vince punches Dennis in the cock and runs away. Again, Dennis gives chase.

Dennis (singing): I've laid the seed,

It should be all you need.

You're as sensual

As a pencil,

Wound up like an E or first string.

When we made it,

Did you hear a bell ring?

He chases Vince into his lair, via the hole in the wall.

Dennis (singing): You think you're worth it-

Well you're a chore.

You better learn the score, Vince Noir.

Howard and Bryan, followed by Saboo and then by Naboo and Bollo, run into the lair and rush to Vince's aid. Dennis takes some small linen dolls and binds their feet, leaving Vince, Howard and Bryan unable to move.

Dennis (singing): When I see you winding looser

I'll seduce ya.

Vince: Shit, I can't move my feet!

Howard: It's as if we're glued to the spot!

Dennis: You are.

Vince: We're trapped!

Dennis (singing): It's something you'll get used to.

The mental mind-fuck will be so nice.

Bryan: By trapping us here, I presume you mean to use never-before-seen powers of psychokinesis to keep us away from anyone who could stand in your way.

Dennis: You'd better believe it, baby.

Vince: You mean he's going to send us to another world?

Dennis returns his attentions to Vince, touching and groping him as Vince protests. Dennis tries to slip down Vince's bra and put his hands inside Vince's knickers, neither of which Vince is happy to let him do.

Dennis: World, schmorld, boygirl, I'm gonna take you to another dimension.

(singing) You better learn the score, Vince Noir.

You better learn the score,

Get yourself out a little more,

You better learn the score-

Fossil stares at us from his office, pressing the button on his Dictaphone.

Fossil's voice (from Dictaphone): And then he screamed-

Vince (shrieking): Stop!

Dennis leers at him.

Dennis (singing): Don't get hot and flustered.

Use a bit of mustard.

Howard (singing): You're a daemon,