Hai again gaiz :3
Thank you SO MUCH for all the favourites and follows so far; I'm so glad you like this story :3
I will be updating my Christmas story soon ( s/9959195/1/Merry-Christmas-Mr-Spock) with an extra bonus chapter or three, if people are enjoying it!
WARNING: MAJOR ANGST TO FOLLOW, I apologise if any feels are broken in the process…
ENJOY!
Spock strode down the corridor towards his quarters; tears still wet on his cheeks, but with burning akin to a fire in his heart. Poison spread through his body, chasing away any logical thought he contained within his being. Jim Kirk always took his breath away; it was not fair.
He fell. He fell for it every single damn time.
Despite his anger, Spock knew he would always pick up the pieces for Jim; always follow him to the edges of the universe.
Well, is that not what you do for one you love?
Dragging a sleeve across his face, Spock punched in the entry code to his quarters before promptly collapsing onto his bed, hugging the pillow.
The darkness was logical to him, and in some ways peaceful; however the lack of air was not. Huffing, he sat up straight, assembling his legs neatly into a meditation position. It had been a while since he had done this, yet it still came as naturally as sleep to the Vulcan…
"Engineering to bridge. Mr Spock."
"Mr Scott?"
"You'd better get down here. Better hurry." Montgomery Scott's voice sounded dead, void of all emotion.
My blood went cold.
No.
Leaping out of the captain's chair, I sprinted out of the bridge. I could hear Nyota's muffled protests as I brushed past her. There was no time for this.
I tore down the winding corridors of the Enterprise, barely noticing the damage, nor the looks I received from officers and ensigns. Pure adrenaline was driving me, almost a palpable substance within me, drawing me ever onwards.
I needed to get to Jim.
Before I knew it, I'd reached Engineering. Scott was standing by a coolant tank, his face ashen, eyes bloodshot, with a bruise blossoming on his cheek.
Wordlessly, he shook his head and gestured towards the glass door leading to the warp core chamber.
No.
Striding over to it, I was afraid to look; afraid to confirm the truth I already knew.
Jim was slumped on the floor, back to me; his breaths coming in short, shallow rasps as the radiation filled his body. Damn you, Jim. You would not be taken from me; not now.
"Open it." I commanded, fear magnifying my voice as Scott cringed backwards.
"The decontamination process is not complete; you'd flood the whole compartment. The door's locked, sir." Scott looked completely lost, dejected and alone.
Limbs shaking, I slowly crouched down until I was level with Jim's face. I pressed my hands against the glass, in the hope that somehow it would give way at my touch and that I could pull Jim into my arms.
No such hope.
With an inhuman amount of exertion, Jim turned himself around to face me. I almost recoiled at the sight. Blood was trickling out of his nose, his mouth and his ears as the radiation took him over. Clumps of his hair drifted out even as I watched, scattering on the floor. Almost tiredly, he reached up towards the control console, closing the door to the core behind him. His eyes fluttered open, searching for mine. As they locked on, I could once more feel his emotions; his pain, loneliness, anger and fear entwined with mine, magnified in my head. Clenching my teeth, I tried to keep it together as he gazed at me with those wonderful eyes.
"How's our ship?" His voice was barely a whisper; I could feel the physical effort this took him.
"Out of danger," I replied, trying to keep my voice level.
"Good." He almost smiled at this.
"You saved the crew." With every word, I could feel my barriers crumbling, emotion flooding into my voice.
"You used what he wanted against him. That's a nice move." Jim croaked, a hint of his old attitude creeping into his tone. I could feel his life slipping away with every laboured breath.
"It is what you would have done." I whispered, not trusting my voice to break. The strain was unbearable now. I needed to tell him-
He was looking straight at me, seeing straight into my soul.
"And this… this is what you would have done. It was only logical" He sighed, slumping down slightly.
Tears pooling in my eyes, I tried to keep my breathing even, feeling like I was trying to breathe lead through a straw. It seemed like his voice was coming towards me down a tunnel. I could still feel his emotions hitting me, but they were getting weaker all the time…
A sudden shuddering gasp emanated from Jim; red tinged tears trailing slowly down his cheeks.
"I'm scared Spock," he whispered. "Help me not be. How do you choose not to feel?"
Those words hit me like a freight train, and it was at that moment when I felt completely hopeless. I was meant to prevent this from ever happening, and yet here I was watching the only man I had ever loved die a terrible and painful death. Sobs began shaking my body, tears falling down my cheeks before I could control them. My breaths coming in short shuddering gasps, I managed to reply:
"I do not know. Right now, I am failing." Failing you, failing everyone, failing myself. I'm so sorry.
My heart was breaking.
'Spock.'
His voice echoed inside my head.
'N-no! Can't die yet. I- need to tell-'
"I want you to know why I couldn't let you die. Why I went back for you." His voice seemed to strengthen; his eyes locked onto mine, unfocused.
"Because you are my friend." That wasn't what I wanted to say. I wanted to say that I loved-
'Spock… please- I- I want to tell you…'
Slowly, he raised his hand, pressing it against the glass against where mine should be. Painstakingly, he shaped his fingers into…
A Vulcan salute.
The tears started flowing freely down my cheeks as I pressed my salute against the glass; taking with them all my heartbreak, the anger, the loneliness.
'Jim… please- don't leave me. I need you. Please-'
'I can't die! Spock, I-'
His eyes met mine.
'James! I love you.'
But it was too late. As quickly as the emotions had flooded into my head, they were gone, as swiftly as switching off a light. I was left alone, my hands pressed against the glass; tears streaming freely down my cheeks.
Don't go where I cannot follow, Jim. Please.
Shuddering, I balled my hands into fists. I crumpled, rage and sadness chasing away all signs of logic, coursing through my veins like acid.
Fury overtook me.
You will die, Khan. Be it through my actions or another, I have no wish to see you alive again.
I screamed the name to the heavens, barely recognising my own voice.
"KHAAAAAAAAN!"
Spock snapped out of his meditation state, sweat pouring down his body. Hands shaking, he dialled Jim's communicator.
Please pick it up.
"What is it?" Jim's voice sounded exasperated.
"Jim." Spock's voice was shaking slightly. Annoyed, he cleared his throat and attempted to make his voice sound more neutral. "Are you alright?"
"And why would my wellbeing concern you, Spock?" Jim asked icily.
"I-I just… I went into my meditation state, and I recalled when you… died. My apologies, I thought it was real." Spock said, almost meekly.
"Sounds like that bang on the head took more out of you than I first thought." Jim said coolly. "You might need to go visit Bones if you're seeing this. But that is in the past now; I'm fine. And don't forget about that mission tomorrow. Regrettably, your combat skills are second to none, and I need someone who knows what they're doing. But do not think that this changes things between us. Goodbye."
Spock sighed, partly in frustration, partly in sadness about Jim's demeanour.
See, he's alright.
Dread filled Spock at the prospect of spending an entire day on the planetoid with Kirk the next day. He pushed it down exasperatedly.
All he needed to do was reign in his Human side, just for now. Any attempt to try to talk to Kirk would no doubt compromise what they were there to do; just a simple survey of the planet's surface.
No more. No less.
Sighing and slipping out of his uniform, Spock slid into bed.
He could not help wishing that Jim was there with him, holding him close and telling him everything would be alright.
Sorry that this is a bit short, and mostly a flashback; I just wanted to get something out there for you guys :3
I have got the next chapter planned out… be prepared.
I'll be posting the next (bonus!) chapter for my Christmas story possibly tomorrow or Monday :)
As always, reviews are loved and appreciated. :D
The inspiration for this chapter was these songs by Within Temptation (I LOOOVE THEM :3): watch?v=EEq4ipHJ6Mo, OR watch?v=Dy6MpsDPKts (the inspiration for the title) - run it to when the music starts, then layer it over. :3
Play either one over this video with the sound turned off: watch?v=JlhtNfTHZCk
I think it works fairly well with the situation and the pairing, but that's just me :3
Byeee!~