*Questions*

I got out of bed after an hour of tossing and turning. I was exhausted, but every time I closed my eyes I could feel him violating me all over again. It had become my nightmare that I could not escape...I thought about him when I was awake and I couldn't sleep without the crippling fear taking over.

I went down to the kitchen and my mom was making lunch. It was such a small thing, but there was something about the normalcy of walking in on my mom cooking that comforted me.

I wanted my mommie...I wanted her advice...and I wanted the comfort that she could provide, but if I told her what happened she would tell dad. Maybe there was a way that I could talk to her about what my father did to her when they were in college and hope that she didn't become suspicious.

"Mom, can I ask you a couple of questions?"

"Sure, what do...Madie what happened?" she asked as she turned around and saw my face.

"I slipped and fell on some ice last night...I'm okay...it looks worse then it is."

"That's a pretty nasty bruise, baby. Are you sure you're okay? Maybe you should put some ice on it."

"I'm fine mom, but I have some questions that I need you to answer."

"Okay, what's going on?"

"I have questions about dad and what he did to you at the spring fling." The look on my mother's face tore out my heart. She looked confused, and pain clouded her eyes and I instantly regretted bringing it up. I now knew what she must have gone through that night. How could I bring up such an awful night and make her relive the pain? "We don't have to talk about it mom. Forget I said anything," I stated as I walked away.

"Madi, come back here and talk to me. What do you want to know?" she asked.

"Why did dad rape you? I know that you and dad tried to explain that night to me and Matthew, but I still don't get it. If he loved you so much how could he force you into doing something that you didn't want to do? How could he sit by and do nothing while his friends raped you?"

"It's taken me a lot of years to figure out why your father reacted to my rejection the way that he did and in some ways, i'm not sure that I'll ever figure it all out. I think that at the time your father was afraid of his feelings for me. I was probably the first person that he had ever let himself care about and when I rejected him, I really hurt him and humiliated him and he wanted to hurt me. There is no excuse for what your father did, but he had a rough childhood and an abusive father that taught him that love equals pain."

"So he had a lousy childhood. A lot of people have lousy childhoods and they don't all grow up to be rapists. What he did to you was disgusting. How could you forgive him after the pain that he caused you?"

"Your father's changed from the abusive man that he used to be. He's haunted by what he did to me and in some ways I think the memory of that night is worse on him then it is on me. I've seen him struggle against his demons, memories, and self hatred. It's taken me a long time to forgive him and I think that the only reason that I was able to was love. I've always loved your father and eventually the love that I felt for him was stronger then the hate and the pain and at that point it came down to trust. Your father and I have worked really hard on learning to trust one another."

"How did you get over being raped?"

"I don't think that it's ever something that you completely get over, but with every day the pain fades until you're left with a scar. Did I answer all of your questions?"

"Yeah, thanks mom, I'm sorry that I brought up such a painful subject."

"It's okay baby, but is there a reason that you have so many questions?"

"Some kids at school asked me about it and I was just curious."

"When's lunch? I'm starved," my dad asked as he walked in the kitchen.

I stared at his scar and all I could think about was that he had hurt my mother the way that Nathan had hurt me. It was as if I could no longer see the father that I had once loved and adored, all I could see when I looked at him now was the monster that he had once been.

"What happened to you Madie?" he asked as he came near me.

"Nothing...stay away from me," I stated as I backed away from him.

"What did I do?" he asked.

"You raped my mother, that's what you did. Maybe she's forgiven you, but I sure as hell haven't."

"Madison, that's enough. Apologize to your father."

"It's okay Marty. She doesn't have to apologize to me...she has every right to hate me, but I am sorry about what I did to your mom, but I can't change it...all I can do now is try to be a man that's worthy of her forgiveness and maybe one day, you'll be able to forgive me as well."

"I'm not really hungry anymore. I'll be in my room," I stated as I walked up the stairs.

"She hates me," I could hear him saying to my mother.

"She doesn't hate you...she's just confused," I heard my mom reply.

My mom was right. I was confused...I thought that I had accepted my parent's violent history, but that was before I had walked in my mother's shoes and now that I really knew what my father did to her I didn't know if I would ever be able to look at him without thinking about Nathan and what he did to me.

XOXOXO

*Confrontation*

It was Monday morning and I laid in bed debating whether or not I should fake being sick to get out of going to school. If I went...Nathan could be there and I wasn't ready to face him, but at the same time I knew that I couldn't avoid him forever.

I told myself that I had to go on with my life...I couldn't stay in bed or hide in my house because I was too afraid of running into him.

I climbed out of bed and changed into a baggy sweater and some jeans. I went to the bathroom and tried to make myself look presentable, but it was useless. I was no longer the beautiful teenage girl that I once had been. My face was still black and blue from where Nathan had hit me. My eyes were bloodshot and I now had quite noticeable bags under my eyes from lack of sleep.

I splashed water on my face and headed out the door.

Hope gave Matthew and me a ride to school and I headed to my locker to grab my books for my first class. I froze when I saw Nathan coming my way.

I grabbed my books, turned away from him and tried to put as much distance between us as I could, but I wasn't fast enough. He grabbed my hand and he wouldn't let go.

"Madi, didn't you get my phone calls and text messages? Why are you avoiding me? What happened on Friday night?" Nathan desperately asked. I slowly turned around and he saw the bruise on my face.

"Oh my god...did I do that to you?" Nathan asked as his hand brushed against my face.

I couldn't speak and my whole body trembled as he touched my face. He looked so sad and worried, but I was afraid that if I told him the truth he would hurt me again.

"GET YOUR HANDS OFF MY SISTER," I heard Matthew yell. The next thing I knew he had shoved him against the locker. "HOW DARE YOU TOUCH HER AFTER WHAT YOU DID TO HER."

I had never seen Matthew this angry before. He had always been the calm, rational one, but now he looked like he could kill Nathan.

"What did I do?"

YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID...YOU BASTARD. IF YOU EVER COME NEAR HER AGAIN...I'LL KILL YOU," Matthew screamed as he banged Nathan's head against the lockers repeatedly.

"Matthew, remove your hands from Nathan right this minute," Cristian Vega stated.

Matthew released Nathan and stepped away from the lockers.

"If you have a disagreement this is not how to solve anything. I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to call your parents and report this to the principle. I need you and Nathan to come with me."

I watched as Cristian led them away. Everything was over now...everybody was staring and whispering about me and I knew that it was only a matter of time before the whole school knew that Nathan raped me.

"Madi, are you okay?" Hope asked as she ran up to me.

"I need to go home," I stated. I had to get away from all the pointing fingers and all the whispered speculation about Friday Night. I couldn't help but worry that Matthew was telling Cristian that I had been raped.

XOXOXO

*Living Nightmare*

"Madison, get your ass down here," I heard my father's shouts from downstairs.

"What's wrong?" I asked as I headed down the stairs. He was glaring at me with such hatred and contempt in his eyes...and worse was the shame and disappointment that was written all over my mother's face.

"Matthew told us everything. You lied to us about going to the movies. You went to the party dressed like a slutty whore and got drunk...then you went upstairs with Nathan and you teased and taunted him until he had no choice but to rape you."

"That's not how it happened. Yes, I lied about going to the party and went upstairs with Nathan, but it's not my fault that he raped me."

"Come on Madi, we both know that you were asking for it...just like your mother was asking for it the night that I raped her."

"That wasn't her fault that was yours and I wasn't asking for it either...mom...you've been in my shoes...tell dad that I didn't do anything wrong."

"You lied to us Madison. Your father and I told you that you were too young to go to parties without adult supervision. You were the one who drank...even after I warned you about the dangers of alcohol. Your father's right...you were dressed like a whore and went upstairs to be alone with a boy...what did you expect to happen Madison? Get out of our house...you make me sick," my mother stated.

"Please mom, don't send me away. I have nowhere else to go. I'm your daughter." I pleaded.

"We have no daughter, not after what you did," my father stated.

I headed out the door and my yard was filled with people pointing their fingers and laughing at me.

I opened my eyes and looked around...I was inside. My father and mother wasn't there with me. I was in my room...I realized that I must have fallen asleep after Hope left. I wanted to breathe a sigh of relief, but I couldn't not when my nightmare was becoming a reality. Matthew was probably telling my mom and dad all about the party and how Nathan raped me.

I wanted to believe that my parents wouldn't blame me for the rape, but I couldn't...not when I blamed myself. I was constantly haunted with what if's. What if I had stayed home that night? What if I had gone to the movies like I should have? What if I was dressed modestly? What if I didn't drink? If I had done any one of those things differently then I wouldn't have been raped.

I felt trapped inside a living nightmare and I wanted out. I didn't want my parents to hate me...like I hated myself. I didn't want to become the talk of the town. I didn't want to live with the pain, humiliation and shame of that night for the rest of my life.

There was only one way out for me...the only way that I could get out of this nightmare was to die. I headed into my mom's bedroom and stole her bottle of sleeping pills out of her medicine cabinet.

Once I had retrieved the bottle I went back to my room and took the remaining pills. I laid down on the bed waiting for the sweet release of death when the thought occurred that maybe I hadn't done enough to bring death to my room.

If I was going to commit suicide...I needed to make sure it stuck. I went into the bathroom and broke my hand mirror and slammed it against the counter. The glass had shattered into a thousand different pieces, but all I needed was one. I picked up the glass and sliced it against my wrists and watched as the crimson blood began to flow.

I could feel my eyes getting heavy...the drugs were fast and I laid down on the bathroom floor and closed my eyes.